Dp is hiding something...

[Cluedon]

I dont know what it is. There is no obvious evidence. 4 yrs in and to be married with 2 dc. He is cagey with his phone. If I come near him he hides it. He is aloof with his money. He has debts that I know his money goes towards but his expenses never add up and he never has money. Dp has an addictive personality and he also is heavily webbed into stocks/shares. He says he doesn't buy any anymore but is constantly watching the stock market (apparently he is holding some for a family member).

He isn't intimate with me either. Has been for nearing a yr now. If we do anything its just a quickie. We have brought this up many times together and in counselling to no avail. He says he wants sex with me but does nothing about it and when I confront him about his contradicting actions he always has an excuse, dc, tired, not in a good place. You get the picture.

No he isn't having an affair because he is with me pretty much all the time other than work. His choice. So what is it? My gut has been telling me something is majorly off. Its been eating away at me to the point im becoming mentally unwell (anxiety). I don't know what our future looks like as im constantly doubting the present. Nothing feels genuine anymore and I cant trust dps words regarding how he feels about us and our lack of sex life as he does nothing to change it. It leaves me feeling undesirable.

I have pleaded with dp, asked him, spoken to him. I have said just be honest, that I deserve that much, that I will be okay if he admits to what ever (be it not sexually attracted to me, gay, hiding more debt, got a stock addiction) and every time its met with the same response. An eye roll and a sigh. He goes "oh dont start that again. There is nothing to hide. It's in your head". It feels incredibly manipulative and almost like gas lighting.

What could it be

Well done. 👍

Op how old are your children?

Hadn't realised you'd been through it a few times with him already now so it's understandable it's taken it's toll on you. At least your finances are separate thankfully. It's probably time for you to leave with the children and make a fresh start ❤️ sending you hugs and strength

I'm worried all this has already broken me. I don't know if I am strong enough to do this all on my own. I want to be. Its just all completely overwhelming even though I do have a plan in terms of practicality as well

No op. You're one of the strongest posters I've seen on here. I believe in you

I'm just annoyed you don't appear to have any real life back up. Any friends? You really need someone who's going to put your best interests first.

What do you need to get your practical plan in action?

One tiny step by tiny step. You'll get there.

I think this is a LTB from me. Rare from me, but just nope. Don't invest any more time or effort into this relationship, I think. It will be easier to build yourself and your finances into a good picture for you in the long run if you do it soon and if it is large debts and gambling or losing lots of money trying to trade Forex etc. (most people do on those platforms, there is a statutory warning on them) they could come and bite you on the bottom and make you and your children potentially homeless very quickly. While marrying the father of your children is a good move if the relationship is on balance healthy enough, do not marry this man.

You are strong enough and Mumsnetters can and will help you on here - try Relationships for ongoing support. Try to build some real life support, if not for actual support at this stage as such, friendships or acquaintanceships outside of the relationship so you have something fledgling for you.

@dontputitthere thanks I dont feel it. I feel like i've been made a fool out of and worse of all allowed it to happen. I have one good friend but she is in another country. I do feel quite alone in this which makes it that bit scarier. This thread has been amazing though so far I really appreciate all the advice and support!

You didn't allow it to happen. Somebody with an addiction will find ways to feed their addiction regardless of what barriers are put in place. There is nothing you could've done to stop this, and there's nothing you can do to help really until he is ready to help himself!

You’re in no way to blame for what he’s done and in no way responsible for fixing it or ‘supporting him’ through it. You can’t support someone who has no remorse and unwilling to stop. Fuck him and his family.

you can do this op one step at a time. he clearly is just an addict whatever it maybe and he won't change. 3 times in four years is just too much

Be very careful not to get pregnant.

@Rainallnight pregnant how have you not read my op?! He doesn't touch me and hasn't done for a long time

In your OP, you said ‘If we do anything its just a quickie’. People can get pregnant from quickies.

@Cluedon perhaps the one way you can help him now is by telling him to leave. Supporting him out of two previous addictions has not stopped him getting into this one, and it's taken so much out of you that I'm not surprised you can't do it again. Perhaps you stepping away from him will help him turn that corner for himself, perhaps not, but at least you can take care of your DCs and protect them from the effects of it on their lives.

Im shocked he called me and spoke to me like nothing is wrong. He had me second guessing last night even happened

You must get him out of your life as a matter of priority and urgency.
Are your credit reports clean?
Focus on sorting the practicalities. Everything else will fall into place.
The emotional stuff will be easier to deal with once you've left.
His mess is not your responsibility.
Look after yourself and your children.💐

And what did you do? Say?

He probably is going to try and pretend none of this happened. Be prepared. Maybe write everything that you've found out down.

How are you? How old are your kids? (Apologies if I've missed this) have they noticed anything?

Once again I'm sorry you're going through this. Keep talking here if it helps. I was wondering if getting practical steps laid out would help. Just even having a plan is psychologically a strong place to be x

You are brilliant OP. You feel broken but look at what you’ve accomplished with your tenacity in spite of family not supporting you.

There is zero relationship with no trust. It will be a miserable existence.

I really need a handhold right now if anyone is around. I told him its over. Dc are asking for dad and trying to cling to him whilst he packs

This is breaking my heart

You are so brave and completely doing the right thing. Can you not just tell the kids he is going for a few days? Sending a huge hug

I’m so sorry about the disruption to your & your kids life. These are dark times for you but things will start looking better in a week, a month, a year. It’s very painful now.

Oh so sorry to hear that OP. I know that it's hard but you are doing the best thing for you and for your children.

It's absolutely ok to cry. It's such a difficult time. But you will be ok.