Dp is hiding something...

[Cluedon]

I dont know what it is. There is no obvious evidence. 4 yrs in and to be married with 2 dc. He is cagey with his phone. If I come near him he hides it. He is aloof with his money. He has debts that I know his money goes towards but his expenses never add up and he never has money. Dp has an addictive personality and he also is heavily webbed into stocks/shares. He says he doesn't buy any anymore but is constantly watching the stock market (apparently he is holding some for a family member).

He isn't intimate with me either. Has been for nearing a yr now. If we do anything its just a quickie. We have brought this up many times together and in counselling to no avail. He says he wants sex with me but does nothing about it and when I confront him about his contradicting actions he always has an excuse, dc, tired, not in a good place. You get the picture.

No he isn't having an affair because he is with me pretty much all the time other than work. His choice. So what is it? My gut has been telling me something is majorly off. Its been eating away at me to the point im becoming mentally unwell (anxiety). I don't know what our future looks like as im constantly doubting the present. Nothing feels genuine anymore and I cant trust dps words regarding how he feels about us and our lack of sex life as he does nothing to change it. It leaves me feeling undesirable.

I have pleaded with dp, asked him, spoken to him. I have said just be honest, that I deserve that much, that I will be okay if he admits to what ever (be it not sexually attracted to me, gay, hiding more debt, got a stock addiction) and every time its met with the same response. An eye roll and a sigh. He goes "oh dont start that again. There is nothing to hide. It's in your head". It feels incredibly manipulative and almost like gas lighting.

What could it be

All you need to do is what is right with you, this might be his dirty little secret but it isn't yours so you can tell whoever YOU want to.

That said, it really does need to be about you, not because you want to hurt him, get revenge etc, the best response you can have is going on to love your best life, maybe that's different from one you dreamed of before but it can still be a great, happy life.

You certainly don't have to chase him around contact with the children, that is on him, his relationship with them will be based on HIS choices, just try not to be too obstructive, however tempting so the children always know you never prevented them from having a relationship with him.

Be kind to you, drink water, cry if you need to, vent on here whenever required, none of this is your fault, you cannot fix him, you can only do you.

It's very clear how important your children are to you, keep being that awesome role model, you have most certainly got this.

I think you have to think about yourself first and foremost when it comes to telling his family, figure out which scenario will mean the least fallout for you and do that. In an ideal world it's best that everything is out in the open because it forces him to focus on the actual issue (the mess he's made) instead of all his energy going on twisting and turning to try to cover up what he's done.

Which is what he will be doing now and is the reason he's not fighting for your relationship, he's still stuck in 'the game' and hasn't yet realised the game is, in fact, up. He will emerge at the end of all this looking shellshocked and pleading ignorance as to how he appears to have lost everything, you included, he is completely immersed in his addiction.

But at least that confirms what you already knew, you can't go back, he is destroying everything in his path and you have to keep yourself and DC out of the firing line. He is an addict and unless he faces that and takes the time and considerable effort to work through that in therapy he will always be an addict, and therefore always a risk to yours and DC's security and stability.

You're doing really well OP.

I second the suggestion of Gam-Anon to connect with other loved ones of addicts. You can find a list of meetings here:
gamanon.org.uk/?page_id=30
There is a zoom one tonight. Please consider joining if you can. You can just sit and listen.

Just being around other people who "get it" is so very, very helpful.

You have done the right thing in asking him to leave - allowing him to stay and supporting him in active addiction would actually be harmful to him, because you'd enable him to continue burning down your family life with zero consequences. His actions and words make it clear he is not sorry and has no intention of stopping.

When it comes to loving an addict, remember the "3 C's" -
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Only he can help himself. And your priority right now needs to be protecting yourself and your children.

On a practical note, I would suggest signing up to a credit monitoring service such as Experian or Credit Karma. A basic account is free and will allow you to see any credit taken out in your name - it will also alert you if a new credit search is performed. (For example I signed up for a new mobile phone contract and
Credit Karma emailed me to say "Were you looking for something?" - if someone had tried to take out credit in my name I could then have taken action.)

The reason I say this is because your ex is not only still in active addiction but you have now (in his mind) caused him to be in desperate straits - his addiction will drive him to get more money to feed it in any way he can, which could include using your details to get loans and credit cards.

You can get through this, one step at a time. I know you are strong - the temptation to stick your head in the sand and not question him (especially in the face of his gaslighting) will have been strong. But it was not stronger than you. You can get yourself and your children to a safe, calm and stable life. Never doubt it.

How are you today @Cluedon ? X

anyone still on here. Really struggling can do with some advice

Hi @Cluedon - how are you doing? Is there something specific you want advice on?

I'm still here OP, what's up?

You poor woman.

I know a lot about gambling through supporting my friend whose sister was married to a gambler.

After 25 years their family home had to be sold.

He had held down a good professional job and had covered his gambling by telling her that he was investing for early retirement.
They lived on her good salary while he gambled his.
He was a very nice man.

It all came out as his losses increased.
Their lovely home was sold.
She now lives in a small house and he rents.
He has finally gone for help.

It devastated their two adult children and they have struggled with it.

You are so brave to have forced his leaving.
He is a thief and a gambler.

Men like him put families in the gutter.

You will never know peace with a gambler.

Stress is a huge trigger and with the ease of online gambling/buying shares, it has never been easier to plunge yourself into serious debt.

My friends sister chose to stick her head in the sand even though earlier in their marriage he had some gambling debt.

She feels so stupid and has paid a high price for never facing her suspicions.

She is now in her 50's having worked very hard her whole life, and very little to show for it, bar a tiny house.

He has gambled hundreds and hundreds of thousands, and more, over the past 30 years.

Gam Anon is full of women in their 70's wishing they left earlier and they always advise younger women to get the hell out.

Contact them.
They will really understand and empathise with you.

However hard it is now, wasting your life on him would be so much worse.

Stay away from your brother and family who will encourage you to ruin your life by staying with him.

They must be very stupid people to suggest that you support him.

You need to ruthlessly continue to do what is best for you and your children.
Living your life with a lying gambler is not in your best interests.

Not all gamblers steal from family like yours did, but it does tell you just how dishonest and deep his addiction is.

NEVER trust him or a word out of his mouth again.

Why on earth are you with him?

This won't end well.

I'm sorry.

What is your living situation? Rented or owned?

What family support do you have other than your brother?

You cannot ever trust that man again. He's not the one needing support, you are.

Contact Gamblers Anonymous. They've seen it all before and are the best people to advise you.

Hi OP, just catching up on the thread.
Glad to see you know what’s going on now, as hard as it is you were being broken slowly but surely before.

I just want to reassure you that it’s not hard being single compared to the gas lighting and second guessing you were going through before. I mean what was he bringing to the table? Nothing! Not even sex or comfort or anything.

Your kids will adjust, it will be you that finds it the hardest as you think it’s better to keep the family unit together and sometimes family font help as they like others to be paired up neatly. But better your kids grow up with a strong mum than a mentally broken one. Always keep that in mind.

Hope you’re ok @Cluedon

Hi everyone thank you for checking back on me sorry I didn't reply sooner I've just been feeling so mentally drained keeping me and dc afloat that by the end of the day i didnt want to talk about everything even on here.

Exp has not been seeing dc since the brake up. I have to constantly ask him to come and see them and he only saw came to put them to bed once the whole week. I have explained to him that dc, especially my 2yr old, are really struggling. 5 Yr old isn't too bad but because I can't explain to my 2yr I'm finding he is lashing out with his frustrations. He is not attacking me and having worse tantrums and I know its because of everything as it only started when exp left.

I have tried to explain to exp how it's affecting the kids and its really important he spends time with him. I've told him he could take them or come here and I can leave the house. Whatever I have to do to make this work. But lots of times exp says he will come then will walk out the door out of spite claiming "its not his house anymore" or that "I'm not wanted there". I told him that isn't the case and it doesn't matter what is going on between me and him the children come first regardless if we are on good terms or not.

It broke my heart everything he would just leave after he was meant to do the bedtime routine with them and they would cry/call for him. I know he is hurting me through hurting them. I told him if this continues he can take me to court as I'm not having be an inconsistency in dcs lives. They deserve stability especially after losing their family unit.

I made a schedule for him to stick to and said he must commit. He said yes so the first day of this routine I rang him to make sure he was actually coming. I decided to speak to him on netural terms as the last time he heard "attitude in my voice" he refused to come see the kids. Well because of that he came to the house and I think he interpretated that as me forgiving him. So he tried to be all sweet, touching me, talking to me as normal. He asked me for a hug. He said he was so "so sorry for not telling me the truth and hopes moving forward he can give me the honesty I deserve".

I find it offensive how he clearly expects me to forgive him. Shows how much of a wet flannel he thinks I am and how after all these years he has taken my forgiving nature as a weakness to exploit. He has done nothing to earn my forgiveness or show he is sorry. He clearly just thinks a few words are enough.

How do I navigate this going forward though. If I so much as upset him he won't come see the kids. Yes that is his problem but its also mine. The break up I can do but I'm really struggling seeing the kids breakdown over him and not being able to comfort them or be enough for them.

Dc2 attacking me has completely devastated and deflated me. Dc used to be so cuddly and now has aggressive outbursts that just make me feel like giving up.

I was barely staying strong but this I can't manage.

Aw op that sounds bloody awful. Your poor dc

Even if the break up wasn't his fault, how just how can someone leave their kids and not try everything to spend as much time as possible after being with them 24/7. I don't understand. It feels like giving up but why is it you and dc who has to suffer after what he's done!

Shows how much of a wet flannel he thinks I am and how after all these years he has taken my forgiving nature as a weakness to exploit
I really love how strong you read here

Sorry, wasn't his fault as in it wasn't him who called time
I didn't mean it was your fault - sorry I wrote wrong

For someone to live this kind of double life & lie like this, likely means you & the kids are just things to him. Not actual real people with feelings.

He sounds like he is all about his image, which suggests he is quite shallow

You can't force someone to see their kids.

Ultimately it is up to him if he decides to show his kids just what a weak character he is.

You can't control him or make him be the person you want him to be ultimately.

I'm so sorry your kids are having to go through this. I would stick with your assertion that this is inconsistent and he can take you to court as he can't keep dropping in and out as he feels.

Stop allowing him to visit at the house, it's probably causing more issues than its solving.

Might be an idea to find some kids books to read with them about different families to try and help them understand what's going on.

Gambling

or he’s in debt with some kind of nasty loan sharks/Ddealer types !!

That sounds so hard.

You need to be strong with consistency. Don’t allow the visits at the house it blurs the boundaries. If he hears ‘attitude’ and doesn’t come, just say ok, your next scheduled visit is Sunday at 2 I’ll have them ready for you then.

Document everything especially the no shows, and put all your energy into your dc. It might be worth chatting with your gp about the eldest so you can get any support or at least documented in case you need support later.

I know DH’s phone pin because he told me it.

He said he’s happy for me to check his phone any time either on demand or without me knowing because he wants me to feel 100% secure.

As it is, I’ve never checked because I trust him but the fact that he leaves his phone lying around and would have no issue with me looking at it is quite reassuring.

How did it even come up? Did you not feel 100% secure?

And let’s be honest, not exactly difficult to get a second phone is it?

Gambling

Is there a way you can get his mobile and passcode? Awful but sounds like it's needed

It was a conversation about one of my friends whose bf is very jumpy and private about his phone. I said he was probably having an affair or it was full of porn.

DH said “we’ll you’re welcome to look at mine any time you like- you don’t even need to ask”. I already know his PIN as I’ve used his phone many times before when my battery has died.