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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dp is hiding something...

301 replies

Cluedon · 02/10/2022 10:47

I dont know what it is. There is no obvious evidence. 4 yrs in and to be married with 2 dc. He is cagey with his phone. If I come near him he hides it. He is aloof with his money. He has debts that I know his money goes towards but his expenses never add up and he never has money. Dp has an addictive personality and he also is heavily webbed into stocks/shares. He says he doesn't buy any anymore but is constantly watching the stock market (apparently he is holding some for a family member).

He isn't intimate with me either. Has been for nearing a yr now. If we do anything its just a quickie. We have brought this up many times together and in counselling to no avail. He says he wants sex with me but does nothing about it and when I confront him about his contradicting actions he always has an excuse, dc, tired, not in a good place. You get the picture.

No he isn't having an affair because he is with me pretty much all the time other than work. His choice. So what is it? My gut has been telling me something is majorly off. Its been eating away at me to the point im becoming mentally unwell (anxiety). I don't know what our future looks like as im constantly doubting the present. Nothing feels genuine anymore and I cant trust dps words regarding how he feels about us and our lack of sex life as he does nothing to change it. It leaves me feeling undesirable.

I have pleaded with dp, asked him, spoken to him. I have said just be honest, that I deserve that much, that I will be okay if he admits to what ever (be it not sexually attracted to me, gay, hiding more debt, got a stock addiction) and every time its met with the same response. An eye roll and a sigh. He goes "oh dont start that again. There is nothing to hide. It's in your head". It feels incredibly manipulative and almost like gas lighting.

What could it be

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 02/10/2022 11:55

Cluedon · 02/10/2022 11:48

@Pixiedust1234 it does matter to me. Because it proves my sanity that im not finding issues that aren't even there

The point i was trying to make is that you will never know. He will never explain himself as you are not important enough (in his eyes), so you need to let it go. It will only eat you up.

Focus on what you want and if you can achieve it by yourself. Dont rely on him changing or explaining. If you have been truthful in your op then many of us will tell you that you arent imagining it. Why? From our own experience unfortunately

Knackeredandstressed · 02/10/2022 11:56

Online gambling or a bitcoin scam. XBIL lost all their savings on a scam and they almost lost the house over it.
Your DP ought to be reassuring you. The fact he won't show you his finances and is defensive gives you all the 'evidence' you need.

YesitsJacqueline · 02/10/2022 12:01

Op you are torturing yourself trying to find anything out because he's making it his life's work to hide things from you.
All you can do is look at what is in front of you: a man that has checked out of the relationship. What happens now is down to you and it shouldn't depend on what story he decides to tell you.

Peridot1 · 02/10/2022 12:07

@Cluedon - yes stocks is another form of gambling. Most people are not consumed by it and on their phones constantly checking. That’s the gambling addiction rather than controlled investment in stocks and shares. He may be conning himself that it’s not a gambling addiction but his behaviour shows otherwise.

At the end of the day he is being dishonest and you can’t trust him. His money is going somewhere. He hasn’t enough respect for you to sit down with you and show you his finances. He hasn’t enough respect for you to be honest.

forinborin · 02/10/2022 12:08

OP, if he has fallen to some of the "leveraged" investment scheme (where he was coached into borrowing money on fixed interest and put it into stocks), it is likely to be money worries, as there has been a complete bloodbath in the stock market in 2022, and he might have ended with massive debts and not much to show for it at the moment. It is very common on "stocks boards", you register and you immediately get dozens of PMs from "brokers" who prey on new joiners.

SandyY2K · 02/10/2022 12:09

We have brought this up many times together and in counselling to no avail.

What does the Counsellor say about it?

Motorbike311 · 02/10/2022 12:09

Sounds like his day trading, that's why his always checking stock prices. His essentially gambling, his lost a lot of money and is trying to get it back. About 5% of day traders make money.

magicstar1 · 02/10/2022 12:11

From what you’ve written, I’d say he’s invested in meme stocks - AMC / GME etc. There are forums on Reddit and Twitter feeds dedicated to them. There’s also a lot going on right now which would explain why he’s so caught up in it.
I have some myself, but DH knows all about them and what’s happening. Your DP should be talking to you.

inheritanceshiteagain · 02/10/2022 12:16

your need to know is clouding your thoughts on the actual relationship. This need is something that may never be resolved, but its enough to know it is detrimental to you. Many people feel the same, they just want answers, but they rarely get them. Its human nature, but honestly just get out.

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 12:16

@magicstar1
@Motorbike311 could you both please explain more. I have seen things on his phone but cant work out what any of it means.

Is it possible instead of him "taking the shares out" he has lost them and accumulated debt and this is why he has none left and now has to pay it off?

OP posts:
Carlycat · 02/10/2022 12:19

I'd throw this one back. He's a wrong 'un

GetOffTheRoof · 02/10/2022 12:19

This screams "cryptocurrency".

pudcat · 02/10/2022 12:29

I wonder if he has fallen for a crypto currency scam

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 12:31

@pudcat when did this happen and what is it

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 02/10/2022 12:36

OP I'd stop trying to figure it out. He doesn't want to be intimate surely that's enough to walk away and find someone who values you.

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 12:52

@Hankunamatata i guess... I'd still like to know if he has lost money and thats why we have been living off my non existent salary for the most part

OP posts:
magicstar1 · 02/10/2022 13:39

Cluedon · 02/10/2022 12:16

@magicstar1
@Motorbike311 could you both please explain more. I have seen things on his phone but cant work out what any of it means.

Is it possible instead of him "taking the shares out" he has lost them and accumulated debt and this is why he has none left and now has to pay it off?

Meme stocks are companies that have been shorted by hedgefunds. People have bought these stocks and have been holding them until the price goes up. It’s a long term thing. There are two camps....those who think it’ll erupt in price (short squeeze), and those who think it’s absolute nonsense. With the volatile stock market, prices are tanking, so the only thing to do is hold anyway. If you see the term MOASS (Mother of all Short Squeezes) then this is what he’s doing.

unsync · 02/10/2022 15:06

Why are you wasting your life with this man? I don't see what benefits there are for you being with him. You should ask him to leave.

TheCatterall · 02/10/2022 15:18

You will never win with this man @Cluedon. you will never gain enough insight into what’s going on with him to satisfy you.

you have nothing to prove with his wrongdoings. At the end of the day he’s being secretive, making you unhappy and not suitably dealing with money issues that are causing issues for your family unit.

by staying and insisting you must find the root cause/reason you are prolonging the inevitable, inviting more depression and anxiety into your life and just making it worse.

you aren’t happy. He’s doing fuck all to improve stuff. He doesn’t need to as you are just letting him behave as he wishes with no ramifications.

he will be deceitful to the end.

think of how much better a life without him life will be for your children. When they have a mother who isnt fraught with worry and anxiety about what their father is doing.

Shittytittybangbang · 02/10/2022 15:24

It is evident from his behaviour that he has invested in markets- otherwise why check them constantly. He probably has terrifying debt. If you love him, demand full and immediate disclosure- go through phone, look at bank account on-line, credit card debts, check any credit cards in your name online. He pron feels too guilty to have sex.

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 18:34

So I have asked to see his bank details. He started off saying its fine. Then start saying he doesn't see why I need to and its pointless, and now apparently he has "gone through them for me" and wrote it all down. I am standing my ground though and saying its not enough. He can keep trying to push but I will push back

He is acting like a man who has something to hide.

Also caught him out in admitting he had shares when he said he didnt. When i called him out on it he said oh its just the 1 i forgot. Bs

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 02/10/2022 19:38

Get a look at his bank statements then get rid.

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 20:14

I found out what it was. And its bad. Thanks everyone. I dont know what now. I feel numb

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/10/2022 20:16

You don't have to make a decision straight away. Tell him you need time and ask him to stay somewhere else for a few days if you need to.

QOD · 02/10/2022 20:20

Oh no - what’s he done? Bloody hell