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Original poster

Dp is hiding something...

301 replies

Cluedon · 02/10/2022 10:47

I dont know what it is. There is no obvious evidence. 4 yrs in and to be married with 2 dc. He is cagey with his phone. If I come near him he hides it. He is aloof with his money. He has debts that I know his money goes towards but his expenses never add up and he never has money. Dp has an addictive personality and he also is heavily webbed into stocks/shares. He says he doesn't buy any anymore but is constantly watching the stock market (apparently he is holding some for a family member).

He isn't intimate with me either. Has been for nearing a yr now. If we do anything its just a quickie. We have brought this up many times together and in counselling to no avail. He says he wants sex with me but does nothing about it and when I confront him about his contradicting actions he always has an excuse, dc, tired, not in a good place. You get the picture.

No he isn't having an affair because he is with me pretty much all the time other than work. His choice. So what is it? My gut has been telling me something is majorly off. Its been eating away at me to the point im becoming mentally unwell (anxiety). I don't know what our future looks like as im constantly doubting the present. Nothing feels genuine anymore and I cant trust dps words regarding how he feels about us and our lack of sex life as he does nothing to change it. It leaves me feeling undesirable.

I have pleaded with dp, asked him, spoken to him. I have said just be honest, that I deserve that much, that I will be okay if he admits to what ever (be it not sexually attracted to me, gay, hiding more debt, got a stock addiction) and every time its met with the same response. An eye roll and a sigh. He goes "oh dont start that again. There is nothing to hide. It's in your head". It feels incredibly manipulative and almost like gas lighting.

What could it be

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 03/10/2022 21:45

I hope your having your friend around this evening will help. At least you found out now rather than further down the line. You’ve done nothing wrong in all this situation and you’re protecting your children from worse financial fall out in the future (if you went ahead and got married and debt would be shared etc).

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 03/10/2022 21:51

@Cluedon
Have yourself a wine/gin/whatever your guilty pleasure. Then get yourself some sleep.
Tomorrow is a new day, embrace it and spend some good quality time with the children.
Take each day a little step at a time.
We are all here for you ❤️
I keep checking this post throughout the day today and each time I do I am that bit more prouder of you!
You're a boss mom. You have done your time trying to get this man on the straight and narrow. Now it's time for him to sort himself and I really really hope he does, you've done your bit. And this might be what he really needed to sort him out too xxxx

Macaroni1924 · 03/10/2022 21:59

@Cluedon im so sorry this is horrible and difficult for you. Everything has just shattered for you and it will take some time to process it all. My mums best friend had a similar situation with her DH. They once followed him in a car as they thought it was an affair. Thought they sorted it all only for him to do it all again a few years later. Borrowing money from friends, family, even his DC’s friends to never pay it back. They lost their house, their marriage and he lost all respect. She has went on to have a fantastic life, the kids have little respect for their dad but obviously love him. Over the years he’s had several beatings from loan sharks. Sadly I think when some people are in this deep it’s too hard to change. It may not feel like it now but you have done the right thing to secure a safe and apply future for you and DC.

wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 22:01

Funnily enough all my friends have gone quite in my hour of need. Not intentional of course but just bad timing

Please let them know it's important OP.

Give them a call and if they don't answer message them to say you're sorry to call late but something has happened that is serious and you need to talk if they are able to, or even better, if you feel ok doing so, message and say outright 'I found out (ex) has been doing things I cannot forgive and he's left, I really need someone to talk to are you around?'

Please ask for help Flowers

Adelyra · 03/10/2022 22:04

He's gay?

He has a gambling addiction?

He has depression and therefore can't connect?

wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 22:47

Adelyra · 03/10/2022 22:04

He's gay?

He has a gambling addiction?

He has depression and therefore can't connect?

OP has now found out what's going on and things have progressed a lot.

If you click on 'read all' on the desktop version on any of OP's posts or select the funnel icon at the top right on the app and select the OP's username, you'll be able to see all the posts by an OP in a thread.

dementedmummy · 03/10/2022 23:50

Former wife of a compulsive gambler here. First of all, massive hugs. This is shit and will probably get shitter before it gets better but I promise you it will absolutely get better so hang on in there. Mines is a similar story to yours. Knew something wasn't right but couldn't get to the bottom then something twigged and I pulled a thread and kept going. He continued to lie as I pulled up his credit file. You cannot fix your gambler. This is a mental illness and there is zero you can do until the gambler is ready to acknowledge he needs help (and unfortunately it doesn't look like he is there yet). First things first, Look up Gam Anon, it's a support group for people dealing with a gambler and in my case was a complete life saver in more ways than one. There will be no judgement - just lots of people who understand for you to vent and get tips on how to deal with him and the financial fall out. Second of all, his debt is not your debt so don't even think about trying to pay it off - all that happens is you have the burden of debt repayment and he gets off free of consequences of what he has done. It's hard but far less hard than the stress of trying to repay. Third, shore up your finances. Change your passwords on your finances. Work out what you need to keep a roof over you and your children's heads. Have those bills that you can manage switched into your name and paid from a sole account. Check if any debt has been taken out in joint names and have no hesitation throwing him under the proverbial bus if he has taken anything out in your name. File the charges with the police.deal with the bank's fraud team. If nothing else, it should make him hit the much needed rock bottom to start to deal with the problem. Focus on you and your kids - take one day at a time. I promise you this too shall pass and you will have peace once more. One day you will look back and think wow! I survived that. Lastly be kind to yourself. Your gambler wasn't/isn't able to acknowledge there is an issue therefore there is nothing you could have done or do to create a different result. Until he is ready to face up to the issue, he will remain a gambler. Whether you chose to stay or go is up to you but from what I have read from you so far, you are a super strong woman so you will absolutely get through this....even if you don't want to have to deal with it. Massive hugs x

Billybagpuss · 04/10/2022 06:34

What is rock bottom? Is this an gambling term

not necessarily just gambling, it means you have no lower to fall as all that is below you is rock.

how are you feeling this morning? You’re doing so well. You mentioned in one of your posts that you are a sahm, are you still? And do you jointly own your house? It’s good your finances are separate.

wellhelloitsme · 04/10/2022 09:12

Morning OP, woke up and thought of you. Did you manage to get any sleep? You made it through THE hardest night, well done Flowers

Original poster
Cluedon · 04/10/2022 09:37

@wellhelloitsme hi everyone thanks for the check up i really appreciate it. Last night felt tortuous. My friend didn't end up coming to stay but another one came over for a while which distracted me a bit.

At one point I was crying so hard and freaking out over what I have done. I juat cant comprehend that 4 years can amount to nothing and be over so quickly. I was thinking about my dc not being able to experience their parents together and it was breaking me. I nearly just called him just so the pain would stop.

Its so odd because its not just a break up its a loss of a life and a future for all 4 of us. He was my home and family despite the wrong doings he inflicted on me and the kids. I feel like I'm grieving and its hard to remind myself that im doing the right thing and why I'm doing it when I am so upset.

Reading your posts do help and having people irl tell me the obvious does help.

I am just so angry that he isn't texting me saying he will do anything to fix this. That he is just rolling over and letting this happen. Is this what he wants??

I know I will have my good moments and bad and pushing through it will get easier but my gosh its just so much and even if someone else came into my life they will never be able to provide me with the life we could of all had together

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 04/10/2022 09:47

Oh OP wish I could give you a hug!

I am just so angry that he isn't texting me saying he will do anything to fix this. That he is just rolling over and letting this happen. Is this what he wants??

Would it help you to frame this in the way they reflects most positively on him and might help you on the path to closure?

Maybe he knows that he can't control this addiction and / or that he is likely to get another one to replace it if he does.

Maybe he knows that how he is isn't conducive to living in a family home and being entrusted with the emotional and financial responsibilities of that?

I have a feeling he will probably end up messaging saying he wants another chance at some point so you need to believe those things yourself in case that happens.

But maybe he knows that this isn't fixable and knows you're such a good mum that your only choice is to put the kids first and that means ending the relationship as a couple completely and cutting financial ties as much as logistically possible.

And please be relieved he isn't texting making promises and saying he'll harm himself etc because that would have made last night even more horrific for you and potentially set you back Flowers

Schnooze · 04/10/2022 09:55

You can’t see it yet, but he’s actually doing you a favour by not calling etc. If he did, you’d take it back, sort this mess out and the whole cycle will begin again until next time. And it will happen over and over until you yourself hit rock bottom.
Let this be your very own rock bottom. There is no where else to go with your addiction to him. You can’t possibly stay in a relationship and fix him, so your only real choice is to drag yourself up and move on without him.

The alternative is to try again, until it happens again. Are you at your rock bottom yet?

Original poster
Cluedon · 04/10/2022 10:07

Can I ask in terms of my dc how should I go about visitation knowing he is an active gambler? Do i have any ground to stand on protecting them? I dont want him not to see them or be in their lives but I want him to be the dad they deserve to have and do better by them. I can walk away but they can't.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 04/10/2022 10:13

What @Schnooze said. It's better for you if he does not get in touch. Right now you are not strong enough to resist any empty promises he might come up with.

You are grieving the life you thought you'd have. The life that would be possible if only he did this and didn't do that...

But you know that life was never possible with this man. However, you have the power to create a good life for yourself and your children. A life where you won't be forever on the lookout for his next betrayal.

dontputitthere · 04/10/2022 10:43

Hey I was thinking about you last night.

Glad you had someone to distract you for a bit.

I can't help on the practicalities of visitation with gambling. Maybe someone else will be along soon.

But I also think it's good he hasn't contacted you. Give you some headspace.

I think it also shows how he just isn't the person you thought he was now. Whatever is going through his head he's shown you can't rely on him to help you or your family.

Do the kids have nursery or school? Just wondered if they have a routine. I think it's good for everyone to keep things as normal as possible. I know it's not easy. But again it's a good distraction x

LadyWithLapdog · 04/10/2022 12:32

How are you doing, OP? Can you have a nap this afternoon for a rest and to make up some time from last evening? How are the kids? You’ll get through this. You can only trust yourself and it’ll be harder like this. But the alternative is giving DP another chance and the threat of this happening again being always there.

Rumplestrumpet · 04/10/2022 13:45

Just wanted to say I really admire how strong you've been OP. I know it may not feel like it now, but you've got this far and you just need to take it one day at a time.

Ignore family members who don't know what a healthy relationship is - you need to do what's right for your kids, and living in a toxic environment with a serial addict in denial is not what they need. You know that.

Adelyra · 04/10/2022 13:48

Addicts will do anything to feed their addiction. The stealing and lying is shocking but it's exactly the same if he was addicted to coke, alcohol etc.

Get help from Gambling Addiction charities and forum. gordonmoody.org.uk/friends-family/

Facing the music for him will be the only way to recover from his addiction. You could come out the other end together if he's able and willing to get help.

Consider telling his family and friends. It might seem like a betrayal but right now it's probably the kindest, most loving thing you can do.

Original poster
Cluedon · 04/10/2022 16:55

The kids are asking for their dad. What do I do

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluedon · 04/10/2022 17:01

He hasnt even messaged to see dc. Its getting my back up

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluedon · 04/10/2022 17:19

The more I think about it maybe I should tell his family. I didnt before and all it did was enable him

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 04/10/2022 17:20

What do they know so far?

girlmom21 · 04/10/2022 17:27

Presumably the kids are very good? Tell them he's had to go away and you're not sure when he'll be able to get in touch

girlmom21 · 04/10/2022 17:28

Young not good ffs