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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dp is hiding something...

301 replies

Cluedon · 02/10/2022 10:47

I dont know what it is. There is no obvious evidence. 4 yrs in and to be married with 2 dc. He is cagey with his phone. If I come near him he hides it. He is aloof with his money. He has debts that I know his money goes towards but his expenses never add up and he never has money. Dp has an addictive personality and he also is heavily webbed into stocks/shares. He says he doesn't buy any anymore but is constantly watching the stock market (apparently he is holding some for a family member).

He isn't intimate with me either. Has been for nearing a yr now. If we do anything its just a quickie. We have brought this up many times together and in counselling to no avail. He says he wants sex with me but does nothing about it and when I confront him about his contradicting actions he always has an excuse, dc, tired, not in a good place. You get the picture.

No he isn't having an affair because he is with me pretty much all the time other than work. His choice. So what is it? My gut has been telling me something is majorly off. Its been eating away at me to the point im becoming mentally unwell (anxiety). I don't know what our future looks like as im constantly doubting the present. Nothing feels genuine anymore and I cant trust dps words regarding how he feels about us and our lack of sex life as he does nothing to change it. It leaves me feeling undesirable.

I have pleaded with dp, asked him, spoken to him. I have said just be honest, that I deserve that much, that I will be okay if he admits to what ever (be it not sexually attracted to me, gay, hiding more debt, got a stock addiction) and every time its met with the same response. An eye roll and a sigh. He goes "oh dont start that again. There is nothing to hide. It's in your head". It feels incredibly manipulative and almost like gas lighting.

What could it be

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 08:51

@ZekeZeke no i am not thank goodness

OP posts:
Cwharf · 03/10/2022 08:54

Just to reiterate a few things people have said. It is not a crime to trust somebody, even if in hindsight it has not worked out well. You may have been a little naive in some respects, but almost everybody has at some point in their lifes and these things always catch us in our blind spots where we feel safest.

The nost important thing for you is to not ket too many external opinions in, which is hard on a message board and when you have family with a different perspective.

As others have said, family will have their own biases and it is always easier to say somebody needs support from a distance. Cynicaly the people telling you to stay are also most likely to be your support network if you leave, so there is always a bit of self-interest in those discussions.

Work out what the damage actually is, to the best of your ability, work out your own position and then work out the options for you and your kids. It may be that your options are limited by your financial situation, it may be that you have more options than you think. As hard as it is, your next steps - for your kids sake - have to be based on facts, and what you think is best for them, however hard that is.

I genuinely wish you the best of luck with it.

NOTANUM · 03/10/2022 08:55

I would personally move out with the kids. You’ve given him chances before and this will be worse as his family and friends will hold it against him (understandably). They may think you know or enjoyed the fruits of their hard work. I couldn’t bear it - I’d leave.

Not that it matters but it could be NFTs as the value has plummeted very quickly.

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 03/10/2022 09:00

This is awful for you and your family but as others have said. Gambling is an addiction, it's an illness which consumes you, like heroin. They become to addiction and not themselves.

I know someone who died by suicide through gambling.

Your partner needs professional help asap. And as much as you are hysterically angry with him right now, he only has you to support him to get that help he needs. Even if you want to leave him and you've made your decision to, can't you just try and find it within you to support him to get the ball rolling to get the help he needs. He won't do be able to do it alone.

FabFitFifties · 03/10/2022 09:00

Do your family know you have already supported him through substance addiction? They may be speaking from a place of kindness and understanding, but their top priority should be protecting you and your children. You need to lay all bare, and if they still expect you to support him, harden up and ignore them. He will drag you into the gutter. Also, given his situation, it is highly unlikely you will lose your children 50% of the time. Your children are not his priority, no matter how he protests.

DragonflyNights · 03/10/2022 09:07

I’m sorry to say OP but i’ve not a couple of people whose husbands were gambling addicts and the legacy of that was total financial carnage, becoming worse the longer they stayed.

Your posts sound like he’s still deeply in denial and not only that his true worry is how he looks, not the pain he’s caused you and will cause his family when they find out (as well as the financial losses for people). He’s clearly nowhere near rock bottom and not ready to truly face what he’s done.

In your shoes i’d leave asap.

oviraptor21 · 03/10/2022 09:09

OP I do think you need to distance yourself or your DP will continue to be enabled by you and to avoid the issue.
You say you have your own place. Can you move there even if temporarily while he 'sorts himself out' - assuming he bothers?
You can give him the access to the DC that you think appropriate and if he wants more he has to seek mediation or get a court order.

Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 09:14

@FabFitFifties yes my family know about his history and previous addictions.

@ijustcouldntthinkofausername to be honest this has all taken a mental toll on me. I dont think have the emotional strength to support him and have anything left to keep myself afloat. Its selfish but it is precisely how he has been towards me so I wont feel bad for it. I also fear it would all be wasted time and energy just for his addiction to take over in a different form in a years time. Its a consistent cycle and clearly my support over the yrs hasnt been and wont ever be enough to change or break that

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 09:17

@DragonflyNights you have hit the nail in the head and this is what is most deeply disturbing for me. He only cares about himself even now up until this point. I dont even think he is truly sorry. Just sorry he has been caught and couldnt buy him self enough time to sort it.

What is rock bottom? Is this an gambling term

OP posts:
MaChienEstUnDick · 03/10/2022 09:19

Don't listen to your family. They are invested in you continuing to support him and the relationship, which could be for a number of reasons - in bad relationships themselves, projecting what they would want in a similar situation, or just steeped in a societal expectation that a woman should stand by her man. But this is your life, not a Country and Fucking Western song.

The way you're describing his current behaviour - I see a free falling addict who will stop doing whatever he's doing for a couple of weeks, then fall into another addictive cycle. He hasn't hit rock bottom and isn't able or willing to do any of the really hard work to address his behaviours. He may well stop doing the trading, but he'll be off seeking the dopamine hit from somewhere else.

A friend of mine had a gambling addicted husband, he 'dealt' with things by giving her all his money, didn't even have a debit card. Still got addicted to a stupid phone game. My DH would leave for work at 5am in the morning and see him sitting in their lounge with the phone lighting up his face. No way to live.

ThreeRingCircus · 03/10/2022 09:29

I would personally move out with the kids. You’ve given him chances before and this will be worse as his family and friends will hold it against him (understandably). They may think you know or enjoyed the fruits of their hard work. I couldn’t bear it - I’d leave.

I agree with this. The fact that he doesn't have remorse and only told you when you forced the situation would mean it was over for me. He has lied to your face, risked the stability of your family unit and your children's futures and has lied to his own family members and essentially robbed then because he was arrogant and thought he was big and clever. He's not big and clever, he's an idiot and a liar.

madasawethen · 03/10/2022 10:10

Save yourself and your DC. None of you deserve this.
You've put up with enough as it is. Ignore your toxic family and the people telling you to stick around and help him. Women aren't free therapy for messed up men.

He'll just continue to drag you down until you're destitute and have physical symptoms.

What he's done is abuse, financial abuse at the minimum.

Connect with your therapist as an individual, contact women's aid, find out what benefits you're entitled to when you ditch this lying schmuck.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Flowers

Crazykatie · 03/10/2022 10:33

If he is hiding his phone and you’re not having sex there is a woman involved somewhere, if it’s not an affair is it escorts, it’s much easier to pay an escort than entertain a mistress.
Is he gambling, or playing the stock market secretly, he does not sound a good prospect for a continuing relationship.

Peridot1 · 03/10/2022 10:54

You might want to read more than the OP’s first post @Crazykatie. Things have moved on a lot.

@Cluedon - ‘rock bottom’ is a term used in talking about any addict. For a alcoholic it might be losing their job or home. Or for a drug addict it might be the same. Or ending up homeless from spending all money on drugs. It’s the absolute bottom where from there the only thing to do is face the addiction and admit it. It doesn’t sound as if your DP is there. I think with gamblers it is probably hard to see their rock bottom. Tends to be more obvious with drink or drugs.

Figgygal · 03/10/2022 10:55

How much are we talking here op?
Is there any chance of recovery? If not he needs to be honest with everyone affected that would be a requisite for me. In fact you need to consider your position carefully as you do not want to be seen as complicit here

MelodyPondsMum · 03/10/2022 11:17

Tell his family what you have found out. Then leave.
You can't help an addict. They need to want to change. He doesn't. Not yet. Possibly not ever.
Maybe losing you and the DCs will be the shock that he needs but for addicts, losing everyone often isn't enough. It's hard but you need to draw a line.

Longdarkcloud · 03/10/2022 11:34

OP it’s at least fortunate that you aren’t married and have your own separate finances so won’t be expected to pay off his debt.
Im guessing your parents don’t want to have to worry about your situation if you separate. My ex mil disliked me but as long as I was around she could expect me to carry the burden, as it were. Denial of just how bad someone else’s situation is, is not unusual.
Once you have left your family may be more supportive.
You seem a strong sensible woman with integrity and you will be fine once this initial shock has worn off. You will even be able to feel the weight of all the worry you’ve been carrying lift from your shoulders.
One day at a time.
Good luck

Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 11:43

Its hard because some peoples posts says about staying through it and others wouldn't.

I suspect his debt is somewhere around 20 to 30 grand. Which may not seem a lot t to some but for us is

OP posts:
RealBecca · 03/10/2022 11:47

I take no pleasure in pointing out that he is addicted to gambling and you are addicted to him. You KNOW you have no future, you cant possibly think its sensible to financially tie yourself to him at any point in the future. You know this is the third time in 4 years. How many times do you want to go through this. A future with him will be harder than one without him. For your own sanity dont keep throwing good after bad time and hoping he will change. You know he wont. Don't be swayed by family and friends with far less skin in the game.

Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 11:49

@MelodyPondsMum i think I will pass on telling his family. His family have a massive habit of refusing to see/accept the wrong he does and will instead try to find blame in me to justify and excuse him.

They will also refuse to acknowledge the extremity of it and down play it massively. They always do. In their eyes he can do no wrong. Heck they will most likely try to fix it all for him. If he wants to be honest and address it with them that is up to him. But im hurt enough without having anyone tell me "you should support him more or its not that bad really". They will most likely get him out of it so he learns nothing and just reaffirm to him that want he has done really isnt that bad

OP posts:
HazelBite · 03/10/2022 11:52

Gosh OP I really feel for you, whatever decision you make its just all difficulties and trauma in the future. In the immediate future it is awful, but will ultimately improve if you leave/call time on your relationship but if you continue with your DP its going to be the constant worry of "what next?" and the trauma of when "next" happens.
He hasn't reached rock bottom and appears to only worrying about himself. Do you have a good friend you can turn to as a sounding board/advice because you need to extricate yourself from all of this and need advice on the best way forward however awful this is going to be.
Good luck x

Wheresthebeach · 03/10/2022 11:54

It sounds awful OP. Seems like he moves from one addiction to the next and is enabled by his family.

You need to look after yourself, and your children before you're completely broke.

BellePeppa · 03/10/2022 12:00

I hope you’re not still thinking of getting married 😬 Don’t live your life with a man you can’t trust because they are too mysterious and cagey and for goodness sake don’t marry someone with an addictive personality.

Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 12:04

@BellePeppa that is the last thing on my mind. As i said before i actually called our engagement. I guess I always knew and was setting myself up/protecting myself. In a strange way it feels slightly relieving and liberating knowing i have done all i can and tried my hardest in this relationship

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 03/10/2022 12:06

Haven’t RTFT, sorry, but I suggest not marry him. If you do then his debts, current and future debts due to addictive personality, will affect you. Right now if you split your finances are completely separate and the debt is his . If you divorce the debts will be part of the marital/household finances.