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Original poster

Dp is hiding something...

301 replies

Cluedon · 02/10/2022 10:47

I dont know what it is. There is no obvious evidence. 4 yrs in and to be married with 2 dc. He is cagey with his phone. If I come near him he hides it. He is aloof with his money. He has debts that I know his money goes towards but his expenses never add up and he never has money. Dp has an addictive personality and he also is heavily webbed into stocks/shares. He says he doesn't buy any anymore but is constantly watching the stock market (apparently he is holding some for a family member).

He isn't intimate with me either. Has been for nearing a yr now. If we do anything its just a quickie. We have brought this up many times together and in counselling to no avail. He says he wants sex with me but does nothing about it and when I confront him about his contradicting actions he always has an excuse, dc, tired, not in a good place. You get the picture.

No he isn't having an affair because he is with me pretty much all the time other than work. His choice. So what is it? My gut has been telling me something is majorly off. Its been eating away at me to the point im becoming mentally unwell (anxiety). I don't know what our future looks like as im constantly doubting the present. Nothing feels genuine anymore and I cant trust dps words regarding how he feels about us and our lack of sex life as he does nothing to change it. It leaves me feeling undesirable.

I have pleaded with dp, asked him, spoken to him. I have said just be honest, that I deserve that much, that I will be okay if he admits to what ever (be it not sexually attracted to me, gay, hiding more debt, got a stock addiction) and every time its met with the same response. An eye roll and a sigh. He goes "oh dont start that again. There is nothing to hide. It's in your head". It feels incredibly manipulative and almost like gas lighting.

What could it be

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 18:05

It's like watching my life shattered before my very eyes. All hopes and futures out the window. I cant believe after everything we have been through its come to this. I know its foolish of all things but im just thinking about christmas and birthdays. How everything is going to change. What this now all means. My children wont grow up with both parents together. I wanted to give them that at least but I had no control over this.

The most heartbreaking part of it all was all he had to do at any point was be honest to me and all of this could of been different.

OP posts:
minidancer · 03/10/2022 18:07

All these things will bother you now, I felt the same when I split from my sons dad. Felt like I'd never have a 'proper' family. It's amazing how all these things workout in your head once you are happy again. They don't seem like huge problems anymore ....... I promise, in time, things will get better

dontputitthere · 03/10/2022 18:08

I'm so sorry. But I think you're doing the right thing.

And it isn't your fault. He could have stopped this.

You're doing amazingly. Honestly. You've been strong and decisive making the best decisions for your family. Flowers

Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 18:20

Being alone tonight is going to be so hard

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/10/2022 18:23

I don't know if I am strong enough to do this all on my own

Oh yes you bloody are!

You're bloody brilliant!

Don't let him drag you back in by being all sorry puppy eyes and bollocks like that.

This mean does not deserve a woman like you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/10/2022 18:24

Man not mean!

wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 18:29

Cluedon · 03/10/2022 18:20

Being alone tonight is going to be so hard

Is there anyone, a friend or family member, who can come over for some support and also to distract the kids if you need to have a cry (which would be completely understandable, I can't imagine how painful this must be).

And if not, I know it sounds silly because we are strangers but we will be here!

I posted years ago when I was having a panic attack and was really kindly talked down for a couple of hours until I felt I could cope again.

Could you tonight make a bit of a sleepover in the lounge all together? Duvets and pillows all brought downstairs, some films on the TV to distract them a bit (I know it's easier said than done) and maybe a takeaway if you can.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but you are absolutely doing the right thing IMO. You're putting your children first. Growing up with any addict is so, so damaging for children and this man is sadly on his third addiction. You've given him lots of chances but you can't prioritise him over you children and staying would be doing so.

Especially because gambling / finance addictions don't 'just' mean losing health or wellbeing, they mean potentially losing your home and your children's financial security.

He has not prioritised them. You have to. Keep remembering that Flowers

dontputitthere · 03/10/2022 18:37

You are strong. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment. I'm sure everything right now feels crazy. But You've got this. And I know it's a rubbish cliche it will get better over time.

Second the brilliant idea of a sleepover. Stick together. Film night and popcorn. Lots of snuggly blankets.

I don't know how you are with the radio or podcasts but I find having something on in the background very comforting. Or when the kids are in bed an old box set. Something you know and is easy to dip in and out of.

Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 18:40

@wellhelloitsme im trying to see if anyone can come over really dont want to be alone. He tried to hold me and say he was sorry but I shrugged him off as it only makes it harder

Thing is I thought to myself today if he approaches me with a plan of action, with incentive and initiative to do the right thing. Then maybe there is a glimmer of hope. But he just tried to act like everything was normal and when I addressed it he said he couldnt expose himself because he wasnt "mentally ready" but he never once consider my mental health! So yet again to the very end it was all about him. He would rather break his family than break himself. That is something i can never get over

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 03/10/2022 18:42

He is an addict. You’ve dealt with it in the past but he’s not changed. You can’t live like that, never knowing what is going to happen to you and your kids. You are strong, because you’ve put you and your kids first, you are protecting them. He has destroyed the future you had planned, not you. I’m so very sorry you are going through this x

FlowerArranger · 03/10/2022 19:12

@Cluedon - you're in total turmoil right now.
There is no getting away from the fact that this the most earth shattering experience you've gone through in your entire life.
All you can do right now is try and ride it out as best you can.
This WILL pass.
You absolutely WILL feel so much better once he is gone.

Everything will gradually become clearer and less overwhelming.
For now, sit with your feelings, and focus on and look after your inner child.
Tomorrow you'll feel stronger and better able to face all the practicalities of your new reality.

FourExcellentQuestions · 03/10/2022 19:14

I hope you can find someone to come. It will help.

I know it's hard but try to keep distracted even with just mindless things. I am sure your mind is racing but don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to make every decision and solve every problem now.

dane8 · 03/10/2022 19:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 19:24

Been sitting by the toilet feeling physically sick. Thank you everyone its really helping right now

He didnt even say anything before he left.

No i love you.
No i dont want this.
Let me make it right

Just a simple I will let you text me when you are ready.

How can someone be so cold after so long

OP posts:
dane8 · 03/10/2022 19:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FlowerArranger · 03/10/2022 19:39

How can someone be so cold after so long

You cannot comprehend this. Because you are a normal, kind person. Someone who will always take other's feelings and needs into consideration.

He is completely focused on himself and his wants. I suspect he is narcissistic. He doesn't see you as someone who has value in herself. To him you serve a function - almost like an appliance.

And now the appliance isn't working any more - so you are of no use to him.

Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 20:29

I have a friend coming to stay tonight. Being alone is insufferable

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 20:37

@FlowerArranger I dont think he can see past himself at all. And that is why we are in this mess

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 03/10/2022 20:41

Cluedon · 03/10/2022 20:29

I have a friend coming to stay tonight. Being alone is insufferable

This is great news OP.

For what it's worth you're being fucking brilliant.

You should be really proud of yourself.

You're doing what a parent should do.

You're putting the children first.

ThreeRingCircus · 03/10/2022 20:50

I'm glad you've got someone with you tonight OP.

Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 20:51

@wellhelloitsme my friend may not come. May have to bare with it alone tonight. I feel so ill. Stress does this to me. I dont know if he is taking this seriously. How do i stay strong when im so upset and resentful

OP posts:
Cwharf · 03/10/2022 20:58

You focus on your kids, and that however hard it is, you are putting them first.

Doing what is right is rarely easy.

dontputitthere · 03/10/2022 21:14

Try and get some rest. Are the kids in bed?

Can you speak to your friend who's abroad on the phone? Or message some friends. (And of course stay here and chat to us)

I always find when my minds racing to try and focus it into practical stuff. What needs doing in terms of housing, money, paperwork etc.

Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 21:24

Funnily enough all my friends have gone quite in my hour of need. Not intentional of course but just bad timing

Thing is I dont even know what i want. I have friends that are available but I just dont really want their company if that makes sense. They are the sort of friends for situations like these. I dont think anyone or anything will comfort me right now

I wish he hadn't done this to us. I wish he had gone about things differently and didn't lie. I wish he didn't bring me to having no choice but to let him go. I don't want this. I feel so lost and sad

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 03/10/2022 21:35

Do your friends know what is going on with you right now?
This is the time to reach out!

I know you wish that this would just go away.
But try to reframe what is happening:
If you had not found out now, it would only have got worse.
He does not think like you and all his energy is invested in focusing on HIS priorities.

There is no way you would ever lived happily ever after with this man.
**
Be glad it happened now, when you can still walk away and start again.
So many women spend their entire lives pretzeling themselves to try and meet their selfish/narcissistic/whatever partner's needs, only to realise one day that, whatever they do, it'll never square the circle of being a cog in the wheels of his craziness.

Do what someone else suggested:

when my mind is racing to try and focus it into practical stuff

Not tonight though. If you have any Benadryl, take one - it'll calm you down and help you sleep. And tomorrow is another day 💐