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Original poster

Dp is hiding something...

301 replies

Cluedon · 02/10/2022 10:47

I dont know what it is. There is no obvious evidence. 4 yrs in and to be married with 2 dc. He is cagey with his phone. If I come near him he hides it. He is aloof with his money. He has debts that I know his money goes towards but his expenses never add up and he never has money. Dp has an addictive personality and he also is heavily webbed into stocks/shares. He says he doesn't buy any anymore but is constantly watching the stock market (apparently he is holding some for a family member).

He isn't intimate with me either. Has been for nearing a yr now. If we do anything its just a quickie. We have brought this up many times together and in counselling to no avail. He says he wants sex with me but does nothing about it and when I confront him about his contradicting actions he always has an excuse, dc, tired, not in a good place. You get the picture.

No he isn't having an affair because he is with me pretty much all the time other than work. His choice. So what is it? My gut has been telling me something is majorly off. Its been eating away at me to the point im becoming mentally unwell (anxiety). I don't know what our future looks like as im constantly doubting the present. Nothing feels genuine anymore and I cant trust dps words regarding how he feels about us and our lack of sex life as he does nothing to change it. It leaves me feeling undesirable.

I have pleaded with dp, asked him, spoken to him. I have said just be honest, that I deserve that much, that I will be okay if he admits to what ever (be it not sexually attracted to me, gay, hiding more debt, got a stock addiction) and every time its met with the same response. An eye roll and a sigh. He goes "oh dont start that again. There is nothing to hide. It's in your head". It feels incredibly manipulative and almost like gas lighting.

What could it be

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/10/2022 10:48

It’s a pretty clear sign not to marry him

Brigante9 · 02/10/2022 10:48

Gambling? Porn addiction? I take it you don’t share finances?

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 10:49

@Shoxfordian I have called off our engagement. Its broken me but I cant proceed with the way things are

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/10/2022 10:50

I definitely think this sounds like a money issue.

Peridot1 · 02/10/2022 10:52

To be honest the why doesn’t matter. His behaviour has made you very unhappy. And yes it seems he is gaslighting you. I would say he has a gambling problem but he won’t admit it. It also doesn’t sound like he is particularly happy.

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 10:54

@Brigante9 i've only ever, on the rare occasions that I get a glimpse of his phone, am able to see stock related things. He is completely immeresed in it all and constantly watches it. I know thats what you have to do with stocks but it comes across to the point where it is all consuming and not healthy. Be it that has died down abit we have had many arguments about how his head is always buried in his phone.

In terms of porn I have caught him watching it and said that until we have a healthy sex life resume and I do not feel its fair or comfortable that he watches it and invests into that and not me. He says he doesn't watch it anymore and I do believe him as I dont know when he would find the time.

OP posts:
TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 02/10/2022 10:54

@Cluedon I'm sorry you're going through this.

I wouldn't have at the time, I admit, but I'm older (& a little wiser now) & I'd tell him to stop gas lighting me, it's not 'all in my head' and I'm fucking fed up with it so he needs to GO. Unless he wants to stay and be responsible for the kids (he won't).

you don't have to have his agreement, you don't have to put up with this shit. Stop letting him control things.

be strong, tell him to FO.

the kids will be better with you living apart than living like this. Don't 'stay fir the kids' it doesn't work for them or the adults.

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 10:55

@girlmom21 it does but to what degree?

@Peridot1 isn't stocks kind of like gambling

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 02/10/2022 10:55

Gambling

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 10:57

@ZekeZeke the problem is that he is om alot of online forums that are all completely based on these stocks ect. Maybe one of the people he talks to on there has got him down a rabbit hole that isn't great. I genuinely know very little about stocks to know how shady it can get

OP posts:
pinkpotatoez · 02/10/2022 11:00

Well he has to put a certain amount in to the stock. Do you have a lot of savings he has access to? Maybe he's put down a large sum and feels guilty

affor · 02/10/2022 11:03

Affair. You'd be surprised what you can do without ever seeming to be away from a spouse (personal experience)

SacredDeer · 02/10/2022 11:11

Sounds like he's addicted to investing in stocks, which in itself is a form of gambling as stocks are extremely risky. He could potentially be losing a lot of money (or devils advocate gaining lots but then buying different shares) it's a vicious cycle if he already has debt he's silly to be so engrossed in it, but from what you say this could be the crux of the matter, it could be stressing him out so much that he's lost his sex drive (Are the debts he has a lot more significant than you are aware???) but that is no excuse for him gaslighting you.

Clearly there's something amiss and unless he's willing to open up to you, I don't see where you can move forward together on this. You mentioned counseling hasn't worked. He is shitting you out and it's not sounding like a good place for you mentally.

SacredDeer · 02/10/2022 11:12

*shutting you out. (Bloody phone)

Poptart4 · 02/10/2022 11:14

You've no sex life, you don't trust him, you know he lies and is gas lighting you, the relationship gives you anxiety.... OP your only 4 yrs in, this should still be the honeymoon phase.

It doesn't matter what he's doing, you are not happy. End it. I know that's easier said than done but take it from me, he won't change. Don't waste years like I did.

For what it's worth I do think he has a gambling problem, yes stocks & shares are the same as gambling.

girlmom21 · 02/10/2022 11:17

Cluedon · 02/10/2022 10:55

@girlmom21 it does but to what degree?

@Peridot1 isn't stocks kind of like gambling

I'd say pretty severe if everything's a bit shit

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 02/10/2022 11:20

You say he has an addictive personality so if it isn’t the stock market it’ll be gambling, or drink, or something else.
I think the stocks he’s “minding for a family member” are his own.
There’s a recent post on here about a husband who’s lost £30k in a Bitcoin scam. Addictive personalities get more and more reckless so this could well be his future.
Id start planning for a life separate from him.

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 11:21

Db insists that I should demand he shows me his bank account. We dont share any finances. I have happily shown him mine when it comes to us trying to find out where our money is going. He didnt offer me the same courtesy back. Thing is he gets defense if I challenge him whether its about sex or money. But the alternative is allowing him to pull the wool over my eyes

OP posts:
Upsidedownagain · 02/10/2022 11:26

If I was in this situation and had no children, I'd just walk away. This is no life for you, whatever his issue. If he can't confide in you it will just keep driving you crazy. With children, it must be 100 times harder, but still worth it in the long run. Maybe breaking up would be a wake up call to him, maybe not.

girlmom21 · 02/10/2022 11:28

Presumably you live together so can you just ask to sit down together and review incomings and outgoings with the increased cost of living and ensuring that you're both contributing a fair amount to the household?

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 11:30

I just really want to know what the hell it is. Or am I actually going crazy and is this all in my head

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 02/10/2022 11:36

Cluedon · 02/10/2022 11:30

I just really want to know what the hell it is. Or am I actually going crazy and is this all in my head

It doesn't matter what it is. It could just be "because he can".

Your relationship doesn't make you happy. He refuses to change. This leaves you with two options.

Put up with all the shit and unhappiness until it makes you so ill you are really trapped OR you leave and be happy. Which future do YOU choose?

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 11:48

@Pixiedust1234 it does matter to me. Because it proves my sanity that im not finding issues that aren't even there

OP posts:
properdoughnut · 02/10/2022 11:53

Leave him. Don't stress about it more than you need to.

supadupapupascupa · 02/10/2022 11:54

Then an ultimatum. You leave unless he proves it's not in your head. He can prevent you leaving by showing you. If he doesn't you were right snd leaving us a good call.

You know this

What's stopping you is the pain and trauma of breaking up the status quo.

But you have nothing to lose because staying if you are right is just pushing the inevitable down the road