Dp is hiding something...

[Cluedon]

I dont know what it is. There is no obvious evidence. 4 yrs in and to be married with 2 dc. He is cagey with his phone. If I come near him he hides it. He is aloof with his money. He has debts that I know his money goes towards but his expenses never add up and he never has money. Dp has an addictive personality and he also is heavily webbed into stocks/shares. He says he doesn't buy any anymore but is constantly watching the stock market (apparently he is holding some for a family member).

He isn't intimate with me either. Has been for nearing a yr now. If we do anything its just a quickie. We have brought this up many times together and in counselling to no avail. He says he wants sex with me but does nothing about it and when I confront him about his contradicting actions he always has an excuse, dc, tired, not in a good place. You get the picture.

No he isn't having an affair because he is with me pretty much all the time other than work. His choice. So what is it? My gut has been telling me something is majorly off. Its been eating away at me to the point im becoming mentally unwell (anxiety). I don't know what our future looks like as im constantly doubting the present. Nothing feels genuine anymore and I cant trust dps words regarding how he feels about us and our lack of sex life as he does nothing to change it. It leaves me feeling undesirable.

I have pleaded with dp, asked him, spoken to him. I have said just be honest, that I deserve that much, that I will be okay if he admits to what ever (be it not sexually attracted to me, gay, hiding more debt, got a stock addiction) and every time its met with the same response. An eye roll and a sigh. He goes "oh dont start that again. There is nothing to hide. It's in your head". It feels incredibly manipulative and almost like gas lighting.

What could it be

Thanks for the advice. I've done a credit score check awaiting a further email. Whilst I was filling out the details i was questioning to myself if this is even necessary as I find it hard to believe he could use me like that.

But now I just don't know anymore. It feels like I don't know him or his capabilities.

This feels so final. I just don't know how there is any coming back from this especially after everything.

I'm going to try to sleep because its all really taking a toll but I will be back tomorrow.

Upon further thinking im starting to even doubt the figures and "truths" he has given me are the whole truths again or just more selected half truths because things still dont add up. I dread to think he actually has more debt than he has confessed to tonight given its already doubled.

Could he really be having an affair OP? Maybe whilst at work?

IMHO, your trust in him is as dead as a doornail and there's absolutely NO going back. He is a liar and a thief. He isn't sorry he stole from his family/friends, he's only sorry he got caught! If you hadn't caught him, he'd carry on doing it! You're only lucky that he hasn't ruined you financially. At least as far as you know!

If I were you, I'd tell him to leave and I'd tell those he's fleeced exactly why you've done so. They deserve to know the truth and he does NOT deserve to be 'covered for'. You need time and space to digest everything, heal, and then plan for your own future. And you won't be able to do that with him moping around feeling sorry for himself. You'll be better off emotionally AND financially without him around.

As far as what your brother said, tell him that he's welcome to let this waste of breath move in with him so he can 'help' him!!!

Listen sweetheart, you just need to get rid. There is no coming back from this. Love and hugs x

You need to end this now. Sorry, but this man has an absolute addiction to gambling and stocks and shares etc. And he will take you down with him.

Get out now, for your mental health and your finances. And your self respect. This man has no respect for you.

Do NOT marry him.

Don’t trust anything.tell him you need to see every money related sheet.but still don’t beleive him.backed into a corner an addict will do anything to hold onto that last bit of safety you might not be aware of yet.he will want to be able to go back if he needs it.and it will get worse now he is exposed.

I am so so sorry this has happened.
to have ruined your own mental health is just fucking awful.it must feel son overwhelming.
addiction is an illness.it’s terrible for all involved. But bad people can have addictions.just like bad people get cancer etc. is this man a good person. Is this an addiction or greed.
people outside of these type of things won’t t get it.they will say leave now. It’s unfortunately never that simple with addiction.
can you come back from this.is he showing anything that can save this for you?
either way he has hurt you massively and been a cock along the way.
you need to make sure you and the kiddies are safe now.
I don’t no how to help you.it must feel like your going to explode then fall then rage then stop breathing.have you any support in rl.
there is lots of us here.
try to keep sleeping.keep eating.you need to keep your strength.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’ve been where you are to an extent (no dc though) and it was just awful. For months he subjected me to mental cruelty, convinced me I was mental, I even very stupidly lent him a large sum of money (still haven’t had it back 14 years later). Gambling is the devil. Be it going into a bookies or pretending you’re some high powered stock broker in your own mind. It’s all one and the same and so often the people that get hurt are the women and children who inadvertently lose everything.

Do not waste any more of your time with this man. It’s all very well your DB telling you to support him but that’s not his decision to make. You said yourself this will be the third time now. He will do this again and again. He will never change and he will become more and more desperate. My mums friends husband went to prison for fraud because he’d got himself in such a mess due to gambling. I saw a friend in town the other day who still moves in the same wider circles as my ex. He is still gambling. Apparently his girlfriend is sick and tired of it but they’ve got 3 DC now and she doesn’t know what to do. I wish I could just call her up and tell her to leave. Instead, I’ll tell you. Leave this man. He won’t change. He’s stolen from family. He may have run up debt in your name (I wouldn’t be surprised). Gambling is a drug. The addict gets more and more desperate and the damage just gets worse. If you stay with this man he will break you. He’s only told you half a story to satisfy you. I bet the mess and the debt is double. He can cry and sulk all he wants. That’s not your problem. Start making plans to leave unless you want to be reliving this again in a few years time x

My ex did very similar. He didn’t change after I found out. He was in too deep to choose his family, it was always one last bet.

OP I’m sorry if you’ve already answered this, but do you own a house together? I know you said you don’t have any joint finances, but what about the home? X

So true tabitha. ‘One last bet’ is always going to get them out of the mess isn’t it 🙄

Wise words.

I am so sorry he has done this to you xx

Op I have read all your replies and I wanted to give some opinions. Most of MN will not agree but I have tried to view it from both sides.

In stocks and shares, you buy at a certain price and will only loose in 2 circumstances, either the asset you invested in goes liquidated/bust or it drops/plummets/looses its current value and during this time you want to sell.

Your partner sounds like he invested a sum of money and the the price dropped, so each share lost its current resale value, that does not mean he has lost any thing he still has the original share he purchased its just the resale value has gone if he wanted to sell and get his money back.

He at that point had two options, one hold out and hope the value returns at some point in the future (days/months/year`s)and sell get his money back or if he is lucky make a profit or do what they call leveling down.

I suspect he was borrowing money to level down, keep buying more shares as the price drops and it levels out the overall price you paid for the original ones. So if he bought x amount of shares for £1 and they dropped in price to 0.50p per share, and he bought a lot more at 0.50p, his over all shares would drop to around 0.85p each and his loss would lessen at the expense of investing more money in shares. But this is a risky tactic if they do not rise again and can turn out very expensive.

I suspect you partner have been borrowing and lending money, leveling down in the hopes that his initial shares will rise and he can pay every one back and buy you the things he promised. Right now he has a decision to make, sell them all now for a guaranteed loss or hold on as long as possible and hope the value returns/rises. Its a gamble yes, but as long as he holds them their is a chance to recuperate the loss.

No doubt this is very stressful for him and I suspect he feels very gullible, guilty and upset at his loss and inability to recuperate the loss as its out of his hands. No doubt he is riddled with guilt and most likely has depression he is truing to hide from you reading most of your post.

Most of MN done believe men can get depression but its a real illness and this will be making it 100% worse.

I'm not excusing anything just trying to throw a bit of light on his behavior.

He isn't even sorry. He was hanging his head down in shame and whimpering but there were no tears. The most and best he came out with was "im sorry I didnt tell you." not sorry for lying, for gaslighting, for stealing, for betraying or deceiving you, heck not even sorry for what i've done!

It was just a classic caught in the action response. I felt no real remorse. Even till now all he is fixated in is his ego and reputation being hurt if he gets found out. There is no room for feelings towards me is his self pity party.

How on earth did it get to this

@rummybunns he has no more shares to sell. He said he has maxed them out. All of his families and friends. The most horrific part of it all was that HE was the one that put them all onto it. He introduced them to it. He convinced them (elderly parents) it was going to be this massive money making thing. For ages he told me, parents, friends that it was only a matter of time before it rocketed and he became well off.

I knew that was the dopamine talking quite alot and through all his fanatic preaches about how it was going to be the thing that saves us out of a financial rut and changes our lives I tried to keep a level head about it all. But this, I never saw coming. It makes me wonder if his intentions to get others onboard with it all was just to use them or were good.

He has mentioned nothing about being able to wait it out and let them rise again because from what i can understand he has literally used them all

Do you mean he has sold them and kept the cash, or that he still has them but they are currently worth very little?

Hi Cluedon,

I would ask him what he has done with the shares, as there is no such thing as use them up? if he has purchased shares with all the money, he still either currently owns a lot of shares with no current resale value, to get the money he spent back or he has just sold them all at a loss and owns nothing. If he is still checking stocks and shares web sites i would guess he currently owns a lot of shares with little resale value.

You need to approach him and find out which it is from a purely financial approach to find out if you can recuperate any thing. I'm just trying to remove the relationship advice from my post and focus and getting you some help with the possible financial loss 🤔

@BadNomad from what i can understand he said all the shares are gone. I think he sold them out as cash to buy more shares. The shares flopped as now he has no more shares to rely on to get himself back up

@Cluedon I’m so so sorry this has happened to you.
Can you move on without him?
A Grandfather in our family grew up with a gambling father, and said it was awful.

Real times of poverty despite the gambler being a skilled tradesman.

The Grandfather said as a little boy he’d be sent off to buy the Paper to get the racing results-
And how sick he’d feel on the way home, because it was so often a loss.
He said it affected his family very badly.
The tempers and arguing between his parents over it.

This relative always drummed it into me never to gamble.

Your partner sounds deeply addicted.
Dopamine hit is right.

I’d get out of the relationship asap.
Especially as he has form for this.

So why is he still constantly checking his phone?

I’m sorry it’s worse than you thought.

We went through something similar as a family with my sister a few years ago. It was horrible. Her husband had no idea because he left all the finances to her. She conned us and my Dad out of money. Lied to our faces. More than once. She is bipolar so it was all part of that. None of us will ever forget it. And none of us trust her.

My advice to anyone would be to not be in a relationship with someone with an addictive personality - it is only ever going to lead to misery one way or another.

He has basically stolen all his family and friends money to feed his gambling habit as he's basically been gambling on the stock market. Now you're having to prop him up by paying for everything and he is in huge debt. You cannot trust a word he says, he's not protecting you by not telling you and others, he's only trying to protect himself. He probably still believes, even after all this, that if he only had a bit more money he could make it all back. He is only ever going to drag you down in life, you do not have to stand by him, please don't feel any obligation - just as he feels he has no obligation to be honest with you or put his family first.

He's a bad'un. Whatever you do please, please , please do not ever marry him.

PS Always, always trust your gut.

@Peridot1 from what I can gather he has 1 mini share. And i guess because he is so obsessed by it all that even if he had sold out all his shares he is too deeply taken by it all to stop. Im quite sure he is just waiting to get money to buy himself back in.. He most likely already does which is why I dont trust that what he told me was the total sum of money he has lost is even true

He’s been an idiot. He needs to get some proper financial advice (a bit late), make a plan, and prioritise people he needs to pay back first. Plus address his addiction and work on his relationship with you, if this has any future. He may in fact find that having some structure in his life is better for him after all this juggling and lying. It’s a shame your DCs early childhood will be marred by money worries or by a breakdown in their parents relationship. And, of course, the toll on you :(

Can you speak to a solicitor?

@LadyWithLapdog the thing is we did get proper financial advice when it came out about his debt originally. I spoke to an advisor who gave us a budgeting plan but of course we have struggled to stick to this and now I know why. At this point I think he is completely beyond it all and the things he has done to the people he has done it to has disgusted me. He did not once think about the effects and impact it would have on our family. Just himself and his precious ego.

I dont even have the confidence that he truly understands how bad this is. I wish you could of seen his reaction. It was all so unnatural. He wasnt upset about how he has wronged others only upset for himself.