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Original poster

Dp is hiding something...

301 replies

Cluedon · 02/10/2022 10:47

I dont know what it is. There is no obvious evidence. 4 yrs in and to be married with 2 dc. He is cagey with his phone. If I come near him he hides it. He is aloof with his money. He has debts that I know his money goes towards but his expenses never add up and he never has money. Dp has an addictive personality and he also is heavily webbed into stocks/shares. He says he doesn't buy any anymore but is constantly watching the stock market (apparently he is holding some for a family member).

He isn't intimate with me either. Has been for nearing a yr now. If we do anything its just a quickie. We have brought this up many times together and in counselling to no avail. He says he wants sex with me but does nothing about it and when I confront him about his contradicting actions he always has an excuse, dc, tired, not in a good place. You get the picture.

No he isn't having an affair because he is with me pretty much all the time other than work. His choice. So what is it? My gut has been telling me something is majorly off. Its been eating away at me to the point im becoming mentally unwell (anxiety). I don't know what our future looks like as im constantly doubting the present. Nothing feels genuine anymore and I cant trust dps words regarding how he feels about us and our lack of sex life as he does nothing to change it. It leaves me feeling undesirable.

I have pleaded with dp, asked him, spoken to him. I have said just be honest, that I deserve that much, that I will be okay if he admits to what ever (be it not sexually attracted to me, gay, hiding more debt, got a stock addiction) and every time its met with the same response. An eye roll and a sigh. He goes "oh dont start that again. There is nothing to hide. It's in your head". It feels incredibly manipulative and almost like gas lighting.

What could it be

OP posts:
magicstar1 · 02/10/2022 22:53

What has he invested in? Are you sure they’re worthless?

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 22:55

@magicstar1 he has lost all his shares and made a loss. Sounds it to me

OP posts:
Somethingneedstochange · 02/10/2022 22:59

Could be have fallen for a scam?

Cwharf · 02/10/2022 23:00

magicstar1 · 02/10/2022 22:53

What has he invested in? Are you sure they’re worthless?

You should also find out not only what the shares are, but what the underlying investment is. If he has just bought standard shares/cryptocurrency the losses may be restricted to what he has taken and lost - but there are investments which allow you to leverage what you have as effectively a deposit on a larger stock purchase. In that event - any investment has significantly bigger gains and losses than the market - and this has been a bad week for most markets.

Some of the trades may also have been hedges/time bound given the description of checking the markets regularly - so they may have been "lost" completely when they came due (eg you can hedge that the usd/gbp exchange rate will be within certain parameters at a specific point on time, oe a share will be within a certain range value).

Point being he may not be holding shares worth what he has spent, and they may be close to nil value.

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 23:01

@Somethingneedstochange to me it sounds like he got greedy, to a stupid risk, and unfortunately it didnt pay off. I did mention the crypto scam to him but he said there were no scams involved. Just poor self serving decision making

OP posts:
Goldpaw · 02/10/2022 23:09

Cluedon · 02/10/2022 10:57

@ZekeZeke the problem is that he is om alot of online forums that are all completely based on these stocks ect. Maybe one of the people he talks to on there has got him down a rabbit hole that isn't great. I genuinely know very little about stocks to know how shady it can get

If he's down any kind of rabbit hole, OP, he is the one who needs to get himself out of it. You cannot help him, please don't think you can, or even think that you'll try, he'll only drag you down with him.

Confusion101 · 02/10/2022 23:14

I know you are heartbroken he has lied but honestly, gambling (I would consider stocks in this manner a form of gambling) is the worst type of addiction! It is so invisible, there are no physical signs like you might have with alcohol or drugs. He is completely addicted and is doing anything he can to get money for more. Unfortunately you cannot help him until he is ready himself which you have said he isnt. Do not bail him out with money to fix his debts, it will just further feed into his addiction. Sorry you have found yourself in this situation. ☹️

Whyareblokesonhere · 02/10/2022 23:30

gamcare is a good place to start and credit reports for you both - he will still most likely be hiding even more than he has told you, be kind to yourself - you will get through this, you do not to make any hasty decisions, other than how to protect yourself and you need to do that tonight

Feelingconfused2020 · 02/10/2022 23:31

I'm so sorry OP this must be heartbreaking. I have experience of a loved one who was an addictive gambler and it's really dreadful. There are online communities which you can join for support and that may really help you. Speak to your DP about his options. He can see a GP and get help and he can get counselling.

Don't throw money after his debts and don't feel you have to stay with him if you don't want to. You can support him without living with him. Equally though remember addiction is an illness. He has acted selfishly because of the addiction he isn't addicted because he is selfish. If you have money and he is open to it perhaps you could offer to pay for some private counselling as obviously NHS counselling will be on a waiting list. If he isn't ready to do anything then don't waste money though.

As for making him tell his family members I get why you think that's important but I think that might be for further down the line. Telling you would have been a massive step for him.

Confusion101 · 02/10/2022 23:34

Equally though remember addiction is an illness. He has acted selfishly because of the addiction he isn't addicted because he is selfish

Excellently put. 💕

Whyareblokesonhere · 02/10/2022 23:39

gambling addiction isn't necessarily an illness though, the addict has a choice.

I'm an addict, I was active for more than 20 years and have not gambled for more than five years.

Op, I'm happy to answer any other questions you might have,

For me, just for today I am choosing to not gamble

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 02/10/2022 23:41

What were the other two addictions, drink and drugs?

Three addictions, stealing money off his own family and living off you for such a long time. He's a prince, isn't he?

I would have a very very good look at all your belongings and your bank accounts to see whether he has been taking anything from you. Check any jewellery. Is every single thing in the house there? It wouldn't surprise me if he'd sold things off.

Feelingconfused2020 · 02/10/2022 23:46

@Whyareblokesonhere respectfully all addicts have a choice but that doesn't mean it's not a form of mental illness. Alcohol addiction is thought to be about 95% mental and only 5% physical so actually the fact that gambling has no physical addiction does not make it easier.

I'm so glad to hear you haven't gambled in that long. Congratulations.

dane8 · 02/10/2022 23:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

sjxoxo · 02/10/2022 23:54

How do you manage your finances? You’ve got two dc together if I’m correct so I imagine there is some shared finances??

Honestly I think he’s not worth the stress this is causing you. I think it would be a better life for you without him in it… I expect if you marry him, he will lie to you about various things. I’d strongly advise not marrying him and running in the other direction xxx

MadeForThis · 02/10/2022 23:56

He hasn't admitted he was in trouble. He hasn't asked for help. He has been caught.

You can't fix him. You can't fight his addiction. You can only protect yourself and your dc.

Walk away. Give him the time to get better. And if he does, you can decide if you want to take the chance on him again. But you will never truly trust him again. And you shouldn't.

FlowerArranger · 02/10/2022 23:57

@Cluedon - please read allow @Cwharf's posts very carefully and follow her advice.

In particular you need to check your credit reports NOW.

I'm concerned that he may have been opening credit card accounts in your name and has run up huge debts. If so, you need to contact the CC companies and credit referencing agencies, and the police, immediately.

senior30 · 03/10/2022 00:05

OP I can talk from my own bitter experience, this won’t end here. He will lie and cheat and deceive you all over again if you allow it. I’m so sorry you’re living through this but if you can find the strength to leave then your life will be better for it.

Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 00:14

@MadeForThis i think this is the most heartbreaking part of it all. He didnt even confess out of the goodness of his heart. I cornered him and he his hand was forced. He would of kept the lie going to save himself

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 00:15

And he would of allowed me to suffer at the expense of it all

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluedon · 03/10/2022 00:18

Even his presentation of himself. How dedicated he was to us. How much of a family man he is. It was all fake. Everyone said how devoted he was to work all the time so i could be a sahm. And it was all just going towards his stocks whilst I was financially holding us above water. He told me he would of got his debt cleared by next year. Another lie. He told me we could move to a lovely house of our own.. Also another lie!

OP posts:
Schnooze · 03/10/2022 00:24

As pp say, check your own free credit report on Experian

Cwharf · 03/10/2022 00:26

I appreciate this has been a very difficult evening for you. Your perception of your current situation and future prospects have changed dramatically in a few hours - and I genuinely sympathise with how difficult that is.

You must however start some of the practical stepa forward in this thread, to be confident the impact is limited to what you are currently aware of. Before that though, id try to get some rest.

Whether you choose to progress as a couple or on your own, you must take immediate steps to be clear of your own situation, for both your own sake and that of your kids.

Icanflyhigh · 03/10/2022 00:37

So sad OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Please check your own financial history. My ex ran up almost 60k on credit and store cards in my name, all opened online with a fake email address. 6 years and an IVA later - I'm debt free, but it hasn't been easy.

LicoricePizza · 03/10/2022 00:38

So sorry OP - devastating. Surround yourself with supportive people if you can. And don’t let your DB sway your decision making as he is biased & not living the reality you have been.

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