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Original poster

Dp is hiding something...

301 replies

Cluedon · 02/10/2022 10:47

I dont know what it is. There is no obvious evidence. 4 yrs in and to be married with 2 dc. He is cagey with his phone. If I come near him he hides it. He is aloof with his money. He has debts that I know his money goes towards but his expenses never add up and he never has money. Dp has an addictive personality and he also is heavily webbed into stocks/shares. He says he doesn't buy any anymore but is constantly watching the stock market (apparently he is holding some for a family member).

He isn't intimate with me either. Has been for nearing a yr now. If we do anything its just a quickie. We have brought this up many times together and in counselling to no avail. He says he wants sex with me but does nothing about it and when I confront him about his contradicting actions he always has an excuse, dc, tired, not in a good place. You get the picture.

No he isn't having an affair because he is with me pretty much all the time other than work. His choice. So what is it? My gut has been telling me something is majorly off. Its been eating away at me to the point im becoming mentally unwell (anxiety). I don't know what our future looks like as im constantly doubting the present. Nothing feels genuine anymore and I cant trust dps words regarding how he feels about us and our lack of sex life as he does nothing to change it. It leaves me feeling undesirable.

I have pleaded with dp, asked him, spoken to him. I have said just be honest, that I deserve that much, that I will be okay if he admits to what ever (be it not sexually attracted to me, gay, hiding more debt, got a stock addiction) and every time its met with the same response. An eye roll and a sigh. He goes "oh dont start that again. There is nothing to hide. It's in your head". It feels incredibly manipulative and almost like gas lighting.

What could it be

OP posts:
bakebeans · 02/10/2022 21:57

My husband was having an online emotional affair. Sorry OP, I hope you find out what is going on.

Sparagmos · 02/10/2022 22:00

Sometimes it is worth pushing it to find out before you commit fully. Horrible, but necessary. He is not someone you could ever truly rely on.

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 22:08

By doing what he has done and he has prioritised him and only him over me and dc and our family. Yet he always wanted to remind me how he is invested into us and sacrificed.

I just can't get over the fact that he lied for so long and of all the people he has hurt along the way to save face I was in the first one in the line of fire

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 22:09

I dont really know what to do. I feel so much disdain and just dont even want to see his face right now yet I dont want to be alone.

Im scared for what comes next

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 22:10

@Sparagmos i do not regret pushing. I just regret I didnt so it sooner.

I wanted so badly for it not to resort to that. But he wasn't going to be truthful unless it was done

OP posts:
OnTheBrinkOfChange · 02/10/2022 22:13

I can understand you not wanting to give details but was it a financial issue?

Have a look at cognitive dissonance. This is exactly what he's been doing to you. You sound really strong and I hope you end the relationship now. It's not good for you at all.

itsahealthone · 02/10/2022 22:14

What has he done OP?

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/10/2022 22:18

GetOffTheRoof · 02/10/2022 12:19

This screams "cryptocurrency".

I was about to say this. Crypto or day trading.

Stock market investing isn't necessarily like gambling. It can be very dull business: large institutions putting money into stocks and just sitting there waiting for them to accumulate. If you are doing this you don't need to be checking prices all the time. This is investment professionals who know what they are talking about.

Someone who is behaving like your DH does is probably doing a much riskier sort of stock investment pursued by spivvy amateurs who read a lot of chat boards and convince themselves they know what they are talking about. And yes it is basically gambling. At this end of the market its dodgy, you are very unlikely to make any real money and it frequently fuels the sort of obsession that makes people gamble.

I would cut your losses. You're not married and don't have kids. He doesn't love you, doesn't fancy you and doesn't respect you. If you get married you're tying yourself financially to a gambler. There is literally nothing to gain and everything to lose by marrying him. It doesn't matter really why he's doing this and you will torture yourself by trying to find a motive. Just accept that the relationship is over, chuck him back and breathe a big sigh of relief. You will be dodging a bullet.

doitwithlove · 02/10/2022 22:19

@Cluedon there are lots of helpful addition forums that can point you in right direction.

purpliee · 02/10/2022 22:19

@Thepeopleversuswork They have 2 DC.

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 22:22

@itsahealthone he has basically stolen off family who lent him money for his debts and gambled it

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 22:23

And stolen money that isnt his. Money that people have entrusted him with. I just dont know him anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 22:25

He lied about how much his debts are too. I knew it was bad but i just didnt think it was this bad. He has wronged so many people that care for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 22:25

Im devastated.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 02/10/2022 22:26

I'm so sorry Cluedon.
I assume that this spells the end for you.
Are all the debts in his name only?

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 22:28

@oviraptor21 they are. This just all feels so surreal. He has stolen off parents, friends, siblings. All for his personal gain. Just because he wanted to make a winning.

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Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 22:32

What I can get my head around the most is when I asked him why he didnt tell me, his response?

Because he didnt want to worry me!!!!

Worry me??!! And yet he allowed me to mentally crumble infront of him constantly worrying about what it was he was hiding. It ate away at me for so long till there is hardly anything left. It has caused so much damage in our relationship.

I told him he isnt fooling me. The only thing he was worried about was exposing himself. Not me

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 02/10/2022 22:37

I’m so sorry to read this. He needs help with his addiction. Your relationship may or may not recover from this. For the immediate future you need to look after yourself and your DC and allow time to process this mess and betrayal.

Cwharf · 02/10/2022 22:38

I am very sorry to hear you are in this position. I appreciate it isnt easy, there is clearly a lot of anger and frustration at the moment.

You do however need to check a few things on your own account very quickly to ensure this issue is confined to your partner. This individual has more than enough information and access to open accounts in your name or jointly, and to prevent you knowing.

You need to go to experian or equivalent and get a credit report, which will show you all of your open lines of credit and usage.

Addiction is a horrible thing, and there will be decisions you need to make about your family and relationship, but start by being clear and confident on the facts of your own position (for example if loans or cards are in your name, you may have challenges renting or buying elsewhere if you choose to leave).

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 22:39

@oviraptor21 no. At the moment he is in a deep "woe is me" state. He cant see past himself and has sulked off. When i asked him what he is going to do about he said he doesnt know.

When I told him he needs to tell his family the truth he said he cant.

I said he needs to relinquish all shares but at the moment he wont.

Thing is my db is saying that I should help him and try not to be angry but he has betrayed my trust and lied to me. He has made decisions that have actively harmed our family. I have stuck by him through two addictions already and I just dont know why or how I could do it a third time. What about me? Im suffering too. Where does my remorse stop. It gives him a constant get out jail free card.

OP posts:
twoandcooplease · 02/10/2022 22:45

Thank goodness you trusted your gut
I'm so sorry he has broken your trust again. You must be so hurt xx

TooHotToTangoToo · 02/10/2022 22:48

Does your db know this is the third addiction you've been through with him. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me as the saying goes.

Original poster
Cluedon · 02/10/2022 22:49

@TooHotToTangoToo yes.but my db has always been very understanding/forgiving of dps actions

OP posts:
Cwharf · 02/10/2022 22:49

You have also (unfortunately) now also been put in a position where you are aware of potentially criminal activity.

You need to be confident that any support you provide does not get you into any trouble with the law if he will not come clean to family and friends etc.

You also need to be very mindful of who is in that wider impacted circle, as they may be people you need support from moving forward.

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