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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do I chase RSVP? Aibu to leave it. Assume it’s a no show?

277 replies

Charliehaus · 02/10/2022 10:17

Hello Mn,

Originally posted on wedding forum but for traffic I’ve moved it to here…. we are getting married soon and our RSVP deadline for has now gone.

i have a ‘friend’ who i feel is purposely keeping me hanging and not replying. Tbh she makes zero effort and i wouldn’t have invited her but it’s to make one of my bridesmaids happy. We used to be good friends but it’s all one way effort which I have given up on.

She lives in the states with her husband and I heard nothing from her so I thought she may not have received our invite.i messaged her yesterday, a lovely message and asked if she received our invited. She replied ‘yes’
but still no rsvp (by now she surely would have had to book flights and know if she’s back in the uk). I do try and keep in contact but she ignores my messages most of the time and makes it very clear she’s bored etc

But I hear from my friend/bridesmaid second hand that she’s booked flights and coming to the wedding which I think is entitled if she has been off with me and hasn’t rsvp’d us. It’s also awkward and makes me feel crap that I hear this second hand. It’s like I’m not good enough to be spoken to directly.

the question is what do I do? Do I message her again and ask her to rsvp?

I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m quite uncomfortable with her and feel like I’m begging her to come or at least make a thing of it which I don’t want.

im no longer close to her and she always manages to make me feel silly and shit about myself.

I obviously need final numbers

if it wasn’t for my bridesmaid I would have completely broken off the friendship and just sent a message if at all to say the deadline has passed.

thank you x

OP posts:
Musti · 03/10/2022 00:43

Op I don’t understand why it matters to your BM that she’s invited. I mean she lives in the states! So I would assumed that someone would only go to the expense and hassle over someone very special to them!

it is your wedding and you invite who you and your fiancé like. Your BM can invite who she wants for your wedding.

however, whatever message you send her, make sure you give her a firm deadline to respond or you will assume she’s not coming and remove her. Then your conscience is clear.

BigDaddio · 03/10/2022 00:55

Message her a final time and say I hear you're NOT able to join us - maybe next time I am US we can meet up ? (Obv you're not going to actually do that....)

CuriousMama · 03/10/2022 10:31

Badger1970 · 02/10/2022 17:36

We had an invite recently and the card said very clearly that only confirmed RSVP's would be catered for on the day due to cost for both day and evening guests. They also set up a wedding day whatsapp group where they clearly reminded people that they only had 14 days then 7 days to confirm.

They then sent a message saying that all the catering numbers had been given to the venue and thanks to all of those who'd replied. A few stragglers asked if it was too late and were told that yes it was!

Good for them. It's ridiculous behaviour of stragglers.

Tippexy · 03/10/2022 10:33

DatingIsDifficult · 02/10/2022 23:53

I think she has sent one @Tippexy , from the sounds of this here.

It says that “this is what I am” sending her. It’s an intention, something vague that may or may not happen in the future tense. It doesn’t say “this is what I have” sent her.

A message has not been sent…

ChimChimeny · 03/10/2022 11:39

I just can't understand the logic of giving the 'friend' another chance to come to the wedding but at the same time hoping they don't come. And because the bridesmaid asked 🤔

DatingIsDifficult · 03/10/2022 13:29

Tippexy · 03/10/2022 10:33

It says that “this is what I am” sending her. It’s an intention, something vague that may or may not happen in the future tense. It doesn’t say “this is what I have” sent her.

A message has not been sent…

Ha ha very true!

TootsAtOwls · 03/10/2022 13:55

I think that message is perfect. It gives her the chance to grovel about having booked flights already. If you say "You're not coming now" she'll twist it to make you sound like the bad guy.

Cotonsugar · 03/10/2022 17:51

Why do you need to make your bridesmaid happy? It’s your wedding. This “friend” is certainly not making you happy so I would assume she’s not attending after maybe asking her, once more, is she attending the wedding or not, as in a previous reply.

IWantAShitzu · 03/10/2022 17:57

Hi OP,

Did you get a reply? I hope she ignores you and then you don’t have to deal with her! She sounds awful.

just a little side note - I remember when planning my wedding, lots of situations caused me stress and looking back on it I feel as though I did waste a lot of my energy on stressing. I do regret it now. Looking back I wish I had kept things as simple as possible and didn’t worry about upsetting other people. The main thing is I am married to the most wonderful man and we share three beautiful children together - that’s the bottom line. Focus on being happy. I hope you have a beautiful day and wish you all the happiness in the world ❤️

Oldbutstillachild · 03/10/2022 18:07

On a practical note, weddings are expensive. Do not waste your money on accommodating people you do not want there just to please others.

On an emotional one, weddings are days you want to treasure. Don't feel you have to include people who make you unhappy or uncomfortable to please others. Your bridesmaid should understand.

Slv199 · 03/10/2022 18:33

As the deadline has passed I'd just message and say I'm sorry that you can't make the wedding but don't worry I understand it's a long way. If she really wants to come she could say so at this point, but this way she knows you aren't expecting her and you've not been rude.

Silvers11 · 03/10/2022 18:37

Charliehaus · 02/10/2022 12:24

Copied and pasted and this is what I am sending her
I think this is perfect
thank you
I will wait and see the response
I wonder if she’ll simply ignore me (hopefully 😅)

I would have added onto that very good message. 'I'm sorry but if I haven't heard from you by tomorrow I will have to go ahead and assume you aren't able to come'

Otherwise if she decides not to reply you will be no further forward......

AndJustLikeThis · 03/10/2022 18:41

Id probably send her a message saying I'm so sorry that she can't make it. Tell her Bridesmaid friend that as she hadn't RSVP by the date, you have concluded that she couldn't make it.

Sorry but if she wanted to attend, she would have let you know by the requested date, like I imagine the rest of the guests have.

leamington66 · 03/10/2022 18:42

She is living in the US would she understand RSVP? May not be as obvious as you think

SenecaFallsRedux · 03/10/2022 18:44

leamington66 · 03/10/2022 18:42

She is living in the US would she understand RSVP? May not be as obvious as you think

Yes. RSVP is very commonly used in the US.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/10/2022 18:44

Christ, why all this passive aggressive crap? Why did you invite her in the first place if you don't like her?

She hasn't bothered to reply to you, you don't need to contact her. She is not in your wedding.

DixonD · 03/10/2022 18:44

She may live in the states but could be British/non-American. My brother lives in USA, but he still speaks “English” English.

DixonD · 03/10/2022 18:45

Even if she didn’t understand RSVP, surely she knows you need to respond to an invitation?

Emotionalsupportviper · 03/10/2022 18:48

I'm watching this thread for the next three months in the hope that she tries to get into the venue and the bride gets the ushers to throw her out.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 03/10/2022 18:48

Tippexy · 02/10/2022 12:31

Absolutely no text is going to be sent today!

Or any other day. It seems you were right @Tippexy

What a waste of everyone’s time.

SenecaFallsRedux · 03/10/2022 18:48

If she doesn't understand RSVP (highly unlikely), do you suppose she knows how to google?

Maryminx · 03/10/2022 18:59

Send a message to this girl in US
saying “Hi, as the rsvp date has now passed, I have now given the two places to others. Best wishes .
Do explain at same time to your bridesmaid.
From what U say this “friend” in The States makes u feel uncomfortable
and your bridesmaid puts up with this bad behaviour.
Be straight to the point and enjoy your day x

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/10/2022 19:14

Blowthemandown · 02/10/2022 15:01

@Charliehaus this is good - but add on ‘I know you have mentioned flights to X but I’ve not been very well and I want to be sure in case things have changed as next time I speak with venue, it will be to confirm absolute final totals etc. Hope you can make it, it seems to have been going on ages’

Why would you add all that?
Don't add all these apologetic justifications just so the BM will approve of you. its lowering yourself to Abroad Friend's standards.

Don't apologise for being firm with a person who has:

  1. already refused an RSPV to your first invitation
  2. Rudely refused to say yes or no to your second invitation
  3. has said in front of you laughing that she used covid as an excuse to avoid someone else's wedding on the actual day.

She was deliberately telling you so that you would be worrying about whether she would turn up or not on the day. She's playing games with you.

Be honest with the BM. Someone should. As we've already establish abroad friend as a CF who you don't even like I'm betting that "I've already booked flights for the wedding "is either garbage or not for the reason of the wedding at all, but further manipulation of the BM.
Who pays for flights without making sure the event is definitely on and without letting the host know? As pps have said if she has genuinely booked flights offer to meet for a drink. She won't come.
She knows that the BM is feeding you all this info and so she's pressurizing and manipulating you by proxy - from across the sea.

Would it really be so bad if you said to BM, I know you are disappointed but I've had to draw a line on the guest list. She ought to communicate with me directly herself as its hard to figure out if she really means to attend or not. I think its rather rude and its causing me lots of stress. If BM can't see that Abroad Friend's behaviour is unreasonable, she must be completely under her spell.
As your BM she must know other people there. What's the worst that could happen if you did that? If the friend doesn't like it, so what? And also I think the friend is jealous that BM, a person she pushes around, has a central role at your wedding and is trying to spoil the day for both of you.
If the BM doesn't like your perfectly reasonable action, its your opportunity to say to her that its a lot of pressure on you, the fact that she is people pleasing for friend but dragging you into.
Its not an ordinary party its your wedding and as your BM she should be supporting YOU. not the friend from abroad.

Everyone would know where they stand. Best of luck.

Cotswoldlife90 · 03/10/2022 19:21

Think she just wanted attention...very clear she likes the drama and had no intention of sending a message otherwise it would of been done within a few hours of posting on this forum

GettingItOutThere · 03/10/2022 19:27

has she replied OP?!

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