Do I chase RSVP? Aibu to leave it. Assume it’s a no show?

[Charliehaus]

Hello Mn,

Originally posted on wedding forum but for traffic I’ve moved it to here…. we are getting married soon and our RSVP deadline for has now gone.

i have a ‘friend’ who i feel is purposely keeping me hanging and not replying. Tbh she makes zero effort and i wouldn’t have invited her but it’s to make one of my bridesmaids happy. We used to be good friends but it’s all one way effort which I have given up on.

She lives in the states with her husband and I heard nothing from her so I thought she may not have received our invite.i messaged her yesterday, a lovely message and asked if she received our invited. She replied ‘yes’
but still no rsvp (by now she surely would have had to book flights and know if she’s back in the uk). I do try and keep in contact but she ignores my messages most of the time and makes it very clear she’s bored etc

But I hear from my friend/bridesmaid second hand that she’s booked flights and coming to the wedding which I think is entitled if she has been off with me and hasn’t rsvp’d us. It’s also awkward and makes me feel crap that I hear this second hand. It’s like I’m not good enough to be spoken to directly.

the question is what do I do? Do I message her again and ask her to rsvp?

I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m quite uncomfortable with her and feel like I’m begging her to come or at least make a thing of it which I don’t want.

im no longer close to her and she always manages to make me feel silly and shit about myself.

I obviously need final numbers

if it wasn’t for my bridesmaid I would have completely broken off the friendship and just sent a message if at all to say the deadline has passed.

thank you x

Good luck! She sounds like a right cow xx

@HavfrueDenizKisi 's message is the one you need.
Don't leave the door open for her to say yes now. You know she's not above standing you up on the day, you won't relax and it will be the final insult in your wedding day.
Draw a line now, let the bm know so you are above reproach from bm, maybe it will help bm recognise the battyness of you aren't going along with it all.
Get this frenemy out of your hair.

That's exactly what I was going to say! She sounds like she is both entitled and has a massive chip on her shoulder and is probably upset at not being a bridesmaid. Definitely send the excellent text about having had to firm numbers and that you're sorry they can't come.

You need a flag for that wet blanket club you and your BM are running😳

It's your wedding and you are inviting someone who obviously hares you and you hate them to please another people pleaser. Adult up, have some pride and take control

I would email/text the following:

Dear Guest

We have not heard from one or two of you whether you will be attending the wedding. I am therefore extending the RSVP deadline by 48 hours (or whatever). If we do not hear from you by (exact date) we will assume that you will not be attending so that we can offer the place to someone else.

That way it’s minimising her importance in the scheme of things (she doesn’t have to know that everyone else has replied!) and if she doesn’t reply then you have an answer. Repeated messaging of “are you coming or not” isn’t going to work, because a) if she doesn’t answer you’re no better off and b) you’re making her think she’s more important than she actually is.

Definitely all of this. If she hasn't contacted you (personally, not via someone else!) by then stick to your word and take her off the list and assume she isn't coming.
If it turns out she has indeed booked flights etc, it's tough shit isn't it as she should have told you she was coming, it wouldn't be your fault.

Next question- we hope your able to make it?

She is very rude. She's trying to keep the BM onside with all the excited chat, but be spiteful and hurt you by ignoring you when it is your day. Take back the power that she is throwing around. Pp have suggested good messaged to send her. I would go with one thats uninviting her. You really don't want her there after all this awkwardness. She's actually shown you she isn't your friend, and you don't want that on your special day. Best of luck.

Shame you didn't go with this one OP, I liked it the best. Particularly because there's no reason for you to be buying her dinner and drinks, not having her in the way on your special day. If the bridesmaid can't come then that's weird, but just get a new bridesmaid too. Only the best friendships need saving, the ones where the other person actually cares about you.

I bet she doesn’t respond to that!

saying that you’ve drawn a line under it and understand she can’t attend is the best approach - you take control. The above puts everything back to her (as it continues to be passive) and if she doesn’t respond you’re no further forward.

the fact that she hasn’t responded to any of your invites is a bit telling.

Good answer Op. I hope she doesn’t come. Enjoy your day!

The message you said is “perfect” just gives the impression that lots of people haven’t RSVPd. Like she’s one of many who can’t be arsed to reply. Why is that perfect? And why is that the impression you want to give? So weird!

You seem to have no problem with comebacks to
posters you disagree with. So why not use that energy into actually sorting the situation out with a person who doesn’t like you who you seem desperate to have at your wedding?

Op I think your problem is actually that she’s a frienemy rather than a friend with the added complexity of her an BM’s relationship.
The danger here is that she’ll go crying to BM when she realises she’s been disinvited and you’ll look like the evil bitch to BM.
be very careful duo how you play it, I’d make sure that BM is aware of everything before you send a message.
I think this woman is playing games, probably has no intention of attending but possibly out to damage relations between you and BM.

With a person like this you need to handle her firmly and directly ‘Are you coming to our wedding?, need to know by (time) today as the rsvp is already overdue and catering about to be fixed. If she doesn’t reply then a follow up text with ‘sorry you won’t be attending, unless your dead in a ditch I really don’t see why it’s been so difficult for you to behave like a decent human being but not to worry, there’s now room for better people to share in our special day.’ Or adapt if you’re not as savage as me!

You only get one wedding (hopefully!) don’t let people like this ruin it for you.

OP, it sounds like you just want to have a bitch about her and enjoy the drama. This isn’t a big deal. You don’t like her -we get that- so just tell her using one of the excellent messages here that she can’t come to the wedding and move on. This isn’t a big deal.

I would actually just be honest and say “hi, you haven’t rsvp’d to my wedding so I wasn’t expecting you to come but I’ve heard from x that you are coming. I don’t mind if you come or not but please rsvp by the end of the day as I have to confirm numbers”

Why are you being so passive? You come across like a teenage girl, secretly loving all the "drama". Either text her or don't, but clearly she isn't coming. And you don't even want her to come! Stop ruminating on it.

God I'd have zero time for this.

I wouldn't include her in the numbers and if she did somehow decide to show up on the day, i'd be like WTAF are you doing here??!!!

You're a mug, OP

Starting to think OP also likes all the attention on this thread -

Don’t give her any more chances to rsvp. You had a cutoff date, stick to it. Use the original message suggested about that and being not included in final numbers etc…

if you keep giving her chances she could say ok I’m coming then just not turn up and you’d be glaring at her empty space all evening instead of enjoying your wedding

Do this! She makes you uncomfortable. See it as a blessing that she’s messed you around.

@Charliehaus this is good - but add on ‘I know you have mentioned flights to X but I’ve not been very well and I want to be sure in case things have changed as next time I speak with venue, it will be to confirm absolute final totals etc. Hope you can make it, it seems to have been going on ages’

@Charliehaus ps I know you hope she doesn’t come but this way you can actuslly talk to your other friend and say “I know you two have spoken but I need to hear it from her; she hasn’t said directly to me that she’s coming and of course seems to think I was off with her when you know I was really poorly’ etc. Hope you get a straight answer and worst case if she says yes and doesn’t come, you can stay friends with other friend and ditch this one!

You've still left the power with her! You still haven't taken the decision out of the hands of a woman you don't want at your wedding.

Send another message saying "On 2nd thoughts, I'm taking you off the guest list. You haven't been a real friend to me for xxxx years & foolishly I continued to invite you to my wedding just for BM's sake. You haven't had the decency to respond to my invitation. The date for RSVPs has passed & I am happy my special day will go ahead without me worrying about you, someone who clearly doesn't care about me at all. I'm blocking you now."

Some people think that RSVPing is a formality and that it's taken as a giving they will be going, especially if they've participated in convos about the wedding. They think RSVPing is for more distant family members.

Where I live (in the US), it's just the opposite: if you receive no response, you assume they aren't coming. But it is a good idea to double check.

The danger here is that she’ll go crying to BM when she realises she’s been disinvited and you’ll look like the evil bitch to BM.

This will happen anyway.

If OP gives her the chance she will come to the wedding if she feels like it - this will depend on what she thinks will upset OP the most - coming to the wedding and passive-aggressively causing disruption, or not coming and thinking gleefully of the empty spaces at one of the tables.

If OP doesn't give her the chance she will go whining to the BM who is her BFF and complain that she spent all of they money on flights etc, and was disinvited. She will swear blind that she responded and there is nothing OP can do or say which will prove her a liar and that she didn't (you can't prove a negative).

Whatever OP does this manipulative frenemy will twist it to her own advantage.

I know what I would do - working on the theory that you may as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb, I'd tell her that I was sorry she hadn't replied, but that obviously she wasn't intending to attend so her place at the reception has been cancelled.

She may still come to the service and spread a little malice, but there's nowt anyone can do about that. (She may even still come to the reception - if so, give her a glass of prosecco to toast the happy couple and then make it clear that there isn't a meal for her. Set your dad and the best man on her OP.)

I