Do I chase RSVP? Aibu to leave it. Assume it’s a no show?

[Charliehaus]

Hello Mn,

Originally posted on wedding forum but for traffic I’ve moved it to here…. we are getting married soon and our RSVP deadline for has now gone.

i have a ‘friend’ who i feel is purposely keeping me hanging and not replying. Tbh she makes zero effort and i wouldn’t have invited her but it’s to make one of my bridesmaids happy. We used to be good friends but it’s all one way effort which I have given up on.

She lives in the states with her husband and I heard nothing from her so I thought she may not have received our invite.i messaged her yesterday, a lovely message and asked if she received our invited. She replied ‘yes’
but still no rsvp (by now she surely would have had to book flights and know if she’s back in the uk). I do try and keep in contact but she ignores my messages most of the time and makes it very clear she’s bored etc

But I hear from my friend/bridesmaid second hand that she’s booked flights and coming to the wedding which I think is entitled if she has been off with me and hasn’t rsvp’d us. It’s also awkward and makes me feel crap that I hear this second hand. It’s like I’m not good enough to be spoken to directly.

the question is what do I do? Do I message her again and ask her to rsvp?

I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m quite uncomfortable with her and feel like I’m begging her to come or at least make a thing of it which I don’t want.

im no longer close to her and she always manages to make me feel silly and shit about myself.

I obviously need final numbers

if it wasn’t for my bridesmaid I would have completely broken off the friendship and just sent a message if at all to say the deadline has passed.

thank you x

Or - as somebody suggested, make sure that there is a child's meal that she can be offered if she does turn up - and sit her behind a pillar on a deckchair.

This is perfect.ends it.
and if she is as manipulative as you say she won’t not be able to reply back as her plan hasnt worked.
but do it now.no more over thinking this.
you also don’t need to panda to your bm. This is your wedding.
your once again factual and say to her you waited to hear for numbers and she didn’t rsvp so you had to take her off.

Why don't you just pick up the phone and ask her if she is coming or not?

The danger here is that she’ll go crying to BM when she realises she’s been disinvited and you’ll look like the evil bitch to BM.

If I were OP, I would far rather that than pay out £240, I think it was, for the pleasure of worrying whether someone will continue to play games and not turn up on the day, or whether they'll be pleasant if they do.

She's not a friend. If the BM is a friend, she will understand that not everybody has to get on, and Rude Friend was given the opportunity to come but wasn't grown up enough to say yes or no and live by it.

"I would message and say, Hi, I assume you are unable to attend as the RSVP date has passed and I have not heard from you. I need to confirm numbers with venue. I am just double checking with the non repliers before I remove them from the final list."

I think this is very good but could be better - OP said the RSVP deadline has already passed, so say

Hi, I have assumed you are unable to attend as you confirmed you received my invite but the RSVP date has passed without your reply. I have confirmed numbers with the venue and have removed you from the final list.

Next time your in town perhaps we could meet up for drinks. All the best, Charlie.

But this ISNT a hard job, it’s your wedding, and it’s an honour to be invited, if she’s playing silly bitch grab it like the gift wrapped excuse that it is and take charge!

im glad you’ve texted her with that firm message, she deserves a lot less respect than you’ve given her, but how you feel about this is the important thing. You’ve been strong and true to yourself.

Oh and tell your BM that you don’t appreciate going out on a limb for someone so rude and that you won’t be entertaining this person in your life again. If BM wants to lob £hundreds at her, crack on.

i hope she doesn’t come

In which case it's quite simple: she doesn't come. Remove the power from her to play head games - if you're inclination that she's doing so is right - by informing her the deadline has passed.

You don't want her there anyway. You've conceded to your bridesmaid by issuing the invitation in the first place, to which she hasn't responded. End of story. And on the subject of the bridesmaid, I've had numerous friends marry, some to which I'm very close. At no stage in my life have I ever assumed any jurisdiction whatsoever over their wedding guest lists, nor they over mine.

Sack her off: the BM can hardly complain.

I think after the wedding you need to have a frank conversation with your bridesmaid explaining that as far as you are concerned your friendship with the other girl has ran its course as you find her too difficult to deal with and she plays mind games.

You respect that she still wants to be friends with her but you won’t be inviting her to anything else.

I'm not sure why you chose to send the message that still gives her the option to say she's coming rather than the one that tells her that final numbers are now final and sorry she's not coming that doesn't give her that option. Sounds likely she'll say she thought it was a given and come when that's clearly not what you want?!

We had an invite recently and the card said very clearly that only confirmed RSVP's would be catered for on the day due to cost for both day and evening guests. They also set up a wedding day whatsapp group where they clearly reminded people that they only had 14 days then 7 days to confirm.

They then sent a message saying that all the catering numbers had been given to the venue and thanks to all of those who'd replied. A few stragglers asked if it was too late and were told that yes it was!

Exactly all this messaging is crap at times.

I’d reply to her “yes” message . With a “thank goodness you received it, I thought you had missed the deadline for the RSVP because of postal delays, it’s sad that you aren’t coming, but hopefully catch up soon”

I wouldn’t want someone at my wedding who treated me so poorly. You’ve done right by your bridesmaid by inviting her, job done- don’t bloody pay for her to come as a guest

I agree. I’d just say: I’m sorry you couldn’t make the wedding, catch up another time.

Then if she says she’s intending to come, you just say: ‘I inferred from the non-response that you weren’t coming and the numbers are now finalised.’

@Charliehaus
I'd reply back with "that's great you've got the invite however we are on a deadline with the venue to finalise numbers and so if I don't hear from by tomorrow I'll assume you aren't coming"

Job done

You don't want her to come. She didn't RSVP by the required date. Just take her off the list!!!!

If you give her another chance, and she says yes, you'll just spend from now until the wedding wondering whether she'll ditch you at the last minute.

Save yourself the time and the headspace, and just say "sorry you couldn't make it, I've given the final numbers to the caterers. Maybe we can catch up another time"

The only change I would have made to your message, would have been to give a final deadline for her to reply, perhaps 24/48 hours. How long are you willing to wait for her response?

I'd message her and say thanks for confirming you got the invite. The deadline for getting back to me with your rsvp has passed so can you let me know by x if you're attending and what meal choice you'd like otherwise we'll take it that you aren't able to make it. Then I'd say to the other bridesmaid that she's friendly with the same thing, that she needs to rsvp to you directly or you'll take it she isn't coming.

Email saying you're sad she can't come, but you understand.

What did she say?

A text has not been sent!

Jesus.

I think she has sent one @Tippexy , from the sounds of this here.

How do you message this woman? Can you see when she has read messages