Do I chase RSVP? Aibu to leave it. Assume it’s a no show?

[Charliehaus]

Hello Mn,

Originally posted on wedding forum but for traffic I’ve moved it to here…. we are getting married soon and our RSVP deadline for has now gone.

i have a ‘friend’ who i feel is purposely keeping me hanging and not replying. Tbh she makes zero effort and i wouldn’t have invited her but it’s to make one of my bridesmaids happy. We used to be good friends but it’s all one way effort which I have given up on.

She lives in the states with her husband and I heard nothing from her so I thought she may not have received our invite.i messaged her yesterday, a lovely message and asked if she received our invited. She replied ‘yes’
but still no rsvp (by now she surely would have had to book flights and know if she’s back in the uk). I do try and keep in contact but she ignores my messages most of the time and makes it very clear she’s bored etc

But I hear from my friend/bridesmaid second hand that she’s booked flights and coming to the wedding which I think is entitled if she has been off with me and hasn’t rsvp’d us. It’s also awkward and makes me feel crap that I hear this second hand. It’s like I’m not good enough to be spoken to directly.

the question is what do I do? Do I message her again and ask her to rsvp?

I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m quite uncomfortable with her and feel like I’m begging her to come or at least make a thing of it which I don’t want.

im no longer close to her and she always manages to make me feel silly and shit about myself.

I obviously need final numbers

if it wasn’t for my bridesmaid I would have completely broken off the friendship and just sent a message if at all to say the deadline has passed.

thank you x

@Charliehaus have you heard back ?

Easy, just send:

Hey friend,
Urgent question: are you coming? I need to let the venue and catering know final numbers.

That's all you need to send. Stop beating around the bush, no point nudging for an answer as it clearly doesn't work.

So? Any reply? Threads like this are infuriating …

No, as a message wasn’t sent in the first place, and isn’t likely to be, either.

OP is long gone…

This is your wedding day and you have some douchebag you're feeling this way about?! If I could go back to my younger self I would tell myself to put what I want first in the most polite diplomatic way possible and stuff everyone else. Why are you inviting this person who makes you feel so uncomfortable - just for the sake of the bridesmaid? It's your wedding day.

I really like the suggested polite but assertive and clear message wherein you ask for specifics, are you coming, great if so, or not , and that you need to confirm by x time. Give them a limit of 48 hours. If no reply make no more contact and remove them. You don't even need to explain a single thing to the bridesmaid. You feel incredibly uncomfortable about the way this person communicates - or fails to. That's all you need to say if anything. Listen to your own discomfort and act accordingly. Hopefully they won't come and you'll have a much better evening without them. Enjoy your wedding!

I can sniff these threads out at 20 paces! 😂

Why invite someone you don’t like or have contact with to your wedding? This is your day not your bridesmaids!

Also are you really asking if you should ask someone who has said they have received their invite if you should ask them where their RSVP is? That ‘ have you sent your RSVP/are you coming should have been part of the ‘have you received your invite’ message & it should have gone…

… ‘hi X, just checking if you received the invite to my wedding & wondering if you are coming.
The date for RSVP to be returned was dd/mm/yy & I haven’t heard from you yet so if I don’t have confirmation from you I can’t keep your name on the guest list’
end of message.

It’s your wedding not your bridesmaids., and aren’t the bridesmaids supposed to support you not the other way around? I’d do what makes you happy here.

I'm probably way way behind decisions etc., But if you are still trying to find out whether this 'friend' from USA is coming, could you call her? It would be much harder for herto prevaricate. If she does the 'not sure' maybe suggest that really you need an answer now so you will cancel her place and look forward to seeing her next time she's in UK.

I agree with this too. She makes you feel shit. If you have her at your wedding you'll regret it in the future.

I would simply reply Ok great! I didn’t get your RSVP and they deadline was on XYZ. I will let my caterer know tomorrow that you can’t make it. I totally understand, it’s a long way to come for a wedding.

People are bizarre.

Why not reply? If someone I didn’t like that much invited me to their wedding half way round the globe the decline would be in return post 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

I've voted YBU simply because I genuinely don't understand the capitulating and hand-wringing over someone you can't even stand. Why are you making yourself so anxious over someone where there is no love lost? And to please a bridesmaid? I wouldn't even engage with her. Just tell your bridesmaid that her friend isn't coming because she didn't reply and you'd to confirm numbers.

You are only being silly because you invited her, she didn't respond, you called her to ask her, and still she didn't respond. Therefore, don't count her as a guest. No seating for her, no meal for her, nothing. If she hadnt rsvp by the datr, then assume she isn't and act accordingly. Be sure bridesmaid knows that's what's happening.

Quite a few people are strange about replying to wedding invites. It more about her lack of consideration and is likely not so much about you. Her thinking you were lying about Covid is because that’s what she does.
Let us know when you have finalised!!

It’s your day. Just take her off the list , then tell her the date has gone for replying. As for this bridesmaid asking you to invite someone you don’t really like, I would tell her what has occurred and how rude this person is. Then get on with your life. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

I wouldn't....... this gives her the chance to say she is coming and then not turning up, or worse still turning up!

From what you have said this woman isn't your friend and you don't even want her there, she sounds toxic. I would assume she isn't coming based upon her lack of response and look at her rudeness as a gift horse!

I would contact her and say " Just to clarify, as you did not reply to the wedding invitation, we have now finalised the guest numbers without you. Sorry you aren't coming".

It's your wedding, not your bridesmaid's. Unsure why you have invited the non-responder in the first place.

YABU simply for inviting someone who makes you feel terrible about yourself and then after doing so not actually asking her if shes coming.

She ain’t coming. And she’s rude. Ditch.

Yes agree with this, she's rude and I wouldn't be begging her for a decision, do it now and forget about her.

Excellent advice here. Love the generic to the point message. And yes absolutely let us know when you've done it.

Did she respond?

Some people genuinely don't know how important rsvps are for a wedding. It's crap.