Feel used by step kids

[Strugglinsm]

Hi, first time post, please be kind, but I could do with an outside view.
Basically I have been in relationship with my partner for almost 6 years. He has 4 children and when we first met, eldest was at uni, middle 2 lived with him and youngest was 50-50 between him and his ex. All was fine for 4 years, I had my own flat, visited him mainly at weekends, he would come to me mid week if youngest child not around, it worked great. When I was at his house I was always polite and respectful to the kids, interested in what they were doing, even used to bake cakes to take round, helped with cooking, laundry, lifts out etc. But I always had my own place to go back to, my little cave!
I should probably say that I do not have children of my own, and we are both in our 50s.
Anyway, 2 years ago, third child left for uni and his ex pushed for the family home to be sold, she wanted her money. The agreement had always been that he could live there with the kids until the eldest 3 left home so it wasn’t unexpected. He moved in with me to my 2 bed flat and I sacrificed my study to become a bedroom for youngest child to be able to continue to visit with his dad. When older kids came back in uni hols they had to stay with other friends or relatives, their mother being in the same position as us.
Last year his ex moved to France taking youngest child with her and we moved out of the flat and bought a house together.
My issue (sorry it took so long to get here!) is that now, all 4 of the kids turn up to ‘visit’ usually at the same time/overlapping and often at short notice. There was at least one of the here for the whole of July and august…10 weeks..I hate the way they treat me and the house. They treat it like a b&b, never sit with us to eat, bring friends back to stay over, help themselves to food and drink without asking, never replace anything they’ve used, towels all over bathroom floor etc. I guess it’s good they are comfortable and treating it like home, but it stresses me enormously. I hate not knowing who’s in the house….I hate meeting total strangers in the kitchen in the morning because one of them got lucky the previous eve….I hate my car being blocked on the drive by one of their mates who leaves it there when they go out….I hate being told ‘to chill’ when I complain about them leaving dirty dishes and laundry everywhere. I can’t relax, I’m tense all the time and I do snap at them, its causing problems between me and my partner as he is just pleased to see them and have his family around him, but it’s not the new family home…it’s my home and his and they are guests…These are not children, the eldest 3 have all now graduated and are over 21, even the youngest is 15 but he copies the elder siblings. I feel like they just use us as a free hotel. I admit I am not used to sharing my space with others, but I do not think it unreasonable that when they visit they are polite and respectful, not just coming in the door and upstairs to their rooms without even saying hello. I view them as selfish, when their father was in hospital, none of them came to visit him, nor did they ring me to see how I was coping.
Now they want to come to stay when we have plans to be away. I have said no, but their dad sees no reason why they can’t just stay here alone. AIBU in feeling upset and unsupported? I do not want people I don’t trust staying in my house while I’m away.

Yes @mswales , their parents were really heartless to sell their home as soon as the elder children were at university. Going to university is not leaving home, and I feel a bit sad that they had to stay at friends houses when they weren't at uni. They seem to have grown up into entitled brats, but I do wonder if they're partly acting out, because they were treated so badly by their father. Even so, it's not OPs mess, but selling up is probably the best solution.

This! How rude and inconsiderate!

also I wouldn’t care if they eat with me or not, but being respectful of house rules and cleaning up after themselves would be more important. As much as I hate to say it I’d prob sell and find my own place again. All of that would leave me angry, anxious and depressed

hang on, mother demanded father sell family home so she could have her half and clear off to France. He might be lazy and neglectful of OP but not to blame for sale of family home.

And the mother has essentially washed her hands of them, dumping them totally on their father, what a selfish woman!

There was a thread last weekend about a dp trying to move into a lady's home with her two young dc. She had a six bed house. There were issues with the man's dc. I didn't see an update, perhaps it was pulled? I hope this lady sees this thread. It is a warning if nothing else.

@Strugglinsm you have lots of support on here.
Take your time to think about what you want to do.

No, I think she was a pretty sensible woman. Sounds like years of her then DH not disciplining messy sons finally got to her so she left. Why shouldnt he have them, why is the woman expected to have them?

@WickedStepmomNOT well yes, their mother really does not come across well does she? Insisting on the sale of their home, then buggering off to France. But it sounds like they lived with their father, not their mother, she didn’t have custody. So even if he didn’t want to sell the house, he should really have moved somewhere where they could at least all stay, rather than moving into OPs flat, and depriving them of a home. I’d wager he knows he’s been a bit shit, and that’s partly behind his reluctance to challenge their behaviour.

Your post should be called 'Feel used by my partner'
Because you are dumping all this anger and resentment on these young people while you are saying absolutely nothing to your partner.

It's not your house though entirely. 50% of it belongs to a man with 4 children.
That man allows his children to behave like this.

Have you expressed your dissatisfaction to him about how his children are behaving?

Maybe you are afraid of upsetting him, is that it?

Not sure if OP is still reading or not as we're 8 pages in and she hasn't updated.

Just wanted to say that we currently have 3 "young adult" children who live with us. 2 come and go to uni and one works from home.
None of them would bring friends back without first letting us know.
They all wash up after themselves and generally tidy up.

If you are still on here OP maybe you could sit everyone down and impise some sort of law and order.

@Hayliebells makes me wonder why they broke up - if dad is a slob like he allows his kids to be, then she waited til they were old enough and then left. Starting to feel sympathy for her - why is she expected to stay with whats probably out of control OH and kids. His kids too, she did her bit then ran. Your probably right about reluctant to change there behaviour now hes got OP where he wants her. OP should run too...

Yes @WickedStepmomNOT , given what we’ve learnt about the OPs DP from her post, it really wouldn’t surprise me if he was really quite a shit husband and father.

......and she's not their step mum.

She naivly bought a house with a partner whose children were away at Uni.

They now use the house as their doss house base and her as a skivvy.

She is NOT their step mother.

Nothing wrong with setting the boundaries that even parents who are together would agree to with their adult children - no ONS, contribute to keeping the house tidy etc, be respectful of each other.

Exactly, @Survey99! I would never have brought a ONS home to my parents’ house, and I didn’t make a mess when I stayed, I made them meals and helped them with chores.
Personally, I don’t think it’s OK for 20-something’s to expect adults 30-plus years older to run around too much after them.

Your DH needs to set some ground rules for these young adults, they can do better than this.

Rarely me tbh because I work full time including 24 hour shifts and spend a lot of time doing disabled ds’s washing (he doesn’t live with us). If the others leave their stuff next to the washing machine I’ll Chuck it in but otherwise they’re on their own. But do carry on the with ‘everyone must have a tidy house or it’s a moral outrage and surely the woman is running around tidying’ line.

The point is that for me damp towels just don’t feature as something to get stressed about. Nor does makes emptying the fridge (3 boys/men, can’t keep up) & we all rub along okay because it is our home & it works for us. It doesn’t really matter if someone else sees it as horrendous, they’re not living thereZ

anyway my point has always been that this is a difference in expectations. I’d not be able to live with someone who got really stressed about an untidy house when my adult Kids were visiting and who saw them as guests. That’s Okay. Likewise it is okay for OP and her dh to have different expectations - it might just make living together difficult.

I can't stand damp towels left on the floor. They get a musty smell and it never leaves. It also means they don't dry overnight and the person is using another clean towel the next day, instead of being able to get 3 uses from them. So I make my children hang their towels, in our family home.

I don't see why a stepmother or partner should have less rights than a mom to insist that occupants hang their towels to dry, don't bring one-night-stands as overnight guests, tidy up after themselves in the kitchen, throw away empty containers and leave a note saying we need eggs (or whatever you used the last of), and don't block me into the driveway.

Letting the adult kids eat the house food, on the other hand, seems like welcoming family behavior to me.

I would have different rules for the 15 year old, because time at your home is contact time with his dad, and they are entitled to contact time with each other whether the 15 year old is polite or not.

i don’t think a stepmother should have different rules either. I strongly suspect I wouldn’t give much of a damn if stepkids left towels on the floor either because for me that just goes with young adults in their own home. Like empty fridges (I send them out to buy food if they empty it). I’m married to a man who feels the same so it’s a non-issue.

In this case OP feels it’s her house and the stepchildren should behave like guests (my kids do not leave damp towels on the floor when they are guests, nor do they help themselves to the fridge, being a guest is a different vibe than being in your own home). Her husband sees it as the kid’s home and it sounds as if he has different expectations for behaviour from kids within the home. That’s not a match made in heaven. I personally would not be able to live somewhere where my children had to be guests when they visited - that’s my line. It won’t be everyone’s - but if I share a house with anyone then we need that same line. Otherwise it won’t work. Neither right or wrong - just need to be the same.

@Strugglinsm has the thread helped you? Despite the usual mn bickering it’s pretty unanimous that this set up doesn’t suit you and DH needs to take that into consideration or you need to find a more drastic solution.

I think the difference for OP might be that she is the 'housewife' and does most of the cleaning, cooking and shopping.
Therefore she is put out by the extra work when DH should be doing it. But we don't know if that is the case.
She hasn't grown up living with the children(now adults) so they are not like close family plus there are various other strangers staying.

By all means set boundaries but it is their home too and you need to recognise that. Incredibly selfish of the parents to sell up before they all had their own homes .

If you really can't deal then sell up but all the adults should have thought all this through in the first place.

My heart really goes out the children who seem to not have had a very stable home life. If they are a bit self-preoccupied and lacking in grace then I would say that was expected. They were parented predominantly by their father and their mother essentially turfed them out of their family home.

I really wonder what the future generation are going to be like as all the adults these days seem incapable of putting their children first and have unpredictable relationships. Even the situation of the father and the OP isn't truly stable. The OP has given a lot, but at the end of the day, they're really just casual partners, with the OP able to walk away, leaving the children to adjust to yet another change of circumstances without a solid home or fallback option.
They have nowhere settled to assume they can call home. They can't even stay over while the OP goes away. Likely in future they will end up renting together and never really grow up properly, as young men increasingly don't do these days.

It's not the OP's fault, I couldn't put up with that behaviour from other people's children either. I put the blame on the Dad for choosing a partner that was best for him (and his housing prospects) without consideration for whether she was really able to put up with 4 children and the mother for sodding off at the fastest opportunity and neither of them teaching the children consistent manners.

Hi all, thanks for your input, I really had no idea how many people would respond. I am a bit bemused by the number of people who think I should leave, without any discussion or knowledge about the state of my relationship with my OH.
I posted this as a 50 something woman who is experiencing ‘parenting’ young adults for the first time and I was wondering what is considered normal in todays world. Responses seem a bit split on this, many say that what I am seeing is pretty normal, many say that a tightening of the boundaries would be fair, all agree that unknown overnight guests must stop. That’s great, that’s what I needed to know, so I can talk to my OH and kids without fear of being told I’m just old fashioned and out of touch.
In response to some of the assumptions, comments and questions……yes, the mother was an evil witch who left my OH and the 3 eldest children, he had to cope with being a single dad to them, cooking, cleaning, taxiing, emotional support, academic support, financial support and everything else that is usually shared by both parents. He also had the youngest 50% of the time. She contributed nothing……at all, never saw the eldest 3. Oh….and he worked full time of course, to make all this happen. He is a good man, loyal, kind and generous, he made it work. He put 3 kids through uni, to the extent that they all finished without any debts or loans. The ex had a hot shot lawyer who got it written into the divorce agreement that he could have the house until child number 3 had finished compulsory education, eg A-levels. The witch actually arranged for estate agents and viewings to take place whilst child 3 was revising for A-levels, that’s how little she cared about them.
The eldest 2 now work, child 3 graduated this summer and started work in Sept, child 4 is in France with mum. At no point have I said that I don’t want them visiting or seeing their dad, of course not, it’s the length of the stays and the lack of consideration. I accept child 4 will comes from France for extended stays in the school holidays, I have no issue with that and he is actually a delightful, polite kid on his own. When the others are around he tries to be part of the gang! Child 3 graduated this summer and had 2 months to fill before work began in Sept…..again, fine, no problem with her being here as such, as others have said, she has nowhere else, but she was so bloody rude and disrespectful, refusing to eat with us, insisting on special food being bought, friends round at random, going out without locking doors, in 2 months I think I had one civilised conversation with her, every other communication was either her demanding something or me nagging. And then we come to the other 2, who work and live in shared houses many miles away……they both have jobs with employers who are happy for them ‘to work from home’, this means they don’t need to use annual leave to come to us, they just rock up with their laptops and stay indefinitely. I get that they want to see their little brother and I get that they haven’t had a family base for a while…..but what I can’t get my head round is how they think it’s ok to ignore me and use the house like an air bnb.
I will speak to my OH again, he tends to put his head in the sand, he’s caught in the middle. He loves us all, wants his kids to feel welcome but doesn’t want me to be unhappy in my own home, he is just exhausted from the last few years (divorce, Covid lockdowns and then a stroke). When the kids aren’t here, we are very happy together and grabbing our chance at a new life. From what I’ve read here, I think towels etc may have to be lived with. Children who are earning and stay for more than a few nights should contribute to food and drink. Guests should be announced and say hello to us. And no, no one will be staying here whilst we are away.
Thanks for your help.

Try giving them their own towel for a week and hiding the rest. This is what we did. Worked really well!

@Strugglinsm, I think earlier you intimated that you do most of the clearing up after them all, most of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc?

He is a good man

You've got him on a pedestal.

He's not a good Dad and nan in that he hasn't taught his kids how to act with respect, consideration and manners, and now you're suffering as a result.

Note that the "witch" is probably sipping a glass of wine in France while you're posting on here , stressed out by their kids.

You've deified him and are compensating/suffering for both of their lack.

he tends to put his head in the sand

Again, not the trait of a truly good man.