Feel used by step kids

[Strugglinsm]

Hi, first time post, please be kind, but I could do with an outside view.
Basically I have been in relationship with my partner for almost 6 years. He has 4 children and when we first met, eldest was at uni, middle 2 lived with him and youngest was 50-50 between him and his ex. All was fine for 4 years, I had my own flat, visited him mainly at weekends, he would come to me mid week if youngest child not around, it worked great. When I was at his house I was always polite and respectful to the kids, interested in what they were doing, even used to bake cakes to take round, helped with cooking, laundry, lifts out etc. But I always had my own place to go back to, my little cave!
I should probably say that I do not have children of my own, and we are both in our 50s.
Anyway, 2 years ago, third child left for uni and his ex pushed for the family home to be sold, she wanted her money. The agreement had always been that he could live there with the kids until the eldest 3 left home so it wasn’t unexpected. He moved in with me to my 2 bed flat and I sacrificed my study to become a bedroom for youngest child to be able to continue to visit with his dad. When older kids came back in uni hols they had to stay with other friends or relatives, their mother being in the same position as us.
Last year his ex moved to France taking youngest child with her and we moved out of the flat and bought a house together.
My issue (sorry it took so long to get here!) is that now, all 4 of the kids turn up to ‘visit’ usually at the same time/overlapping and often at short notice. There was at least one of the here for the whole of July and august…10 weeks..I hate the way they treat me and the house. They treat it like a b&b, never sit with us to eat, bring friends back to stay over, help themselves to food and drink without asking, never replace anything they’ve used, towels all over bathroom floor etc. I guess it’s good they are comfortable and treating it like home, but it stresses me enormously. I hate not knowing who’s in the house….I hate meeting total strangers in the kitchen in the morning because one of them got lucky the previous eve….I hate my car being blocked on the drive by one of their mates who leaves it there when they go out….I hate being told ‘to chill’ when I complain about them leaving dirty dishes and laundry everywhere. I can’t relax, I’m tense all the time and I do snap at them, its causing problems between me and my partner as he is just pleased to see them and have his family around him, but it’s not the new family home…it’s my home and his and they are guests…These are not children, the eldest 3 have all now graduated and are over 21, even the youngest is 15 but he copies the elder siblings. I feel like they just use us as a free hotel. I admit I am not used to sharing my space with others, but I do not think it unreasonable that when they visit they are polite and respectful, not just coming in the door and upstairs to their rooms without even saying hello. I view them as selfish, when their father was in hospital, none of them came to visit him, nor did they ring me to see how I was coping.
Now they want to come to stay when we have plans to be away. I have said no, but their dad sees no reason why they can’t just stay here alone. AIBU in feeling upset and unsupported? I do not want people I don’t trust staying in my house while I’m away.

They're adults. They'll have their own partners soon and children of their own. It would make sense if they could pick up after themselves for starters, wash up, wash laundry, that kind of thing.

It's a very valuable lesson for a parent to teach their adult children.

Just doing everything fo them, or getting your female help-bot to do it, isn't doing them any favours (or their future partners).

It doesn't matter if their parents sold up before they were fully fledged or if their treating the house like their own home here.

They are ADULTS in their twenties,they are old enough to clear their own shit up after themselves,replace food they've used or at least contribute to the cost of said food,ask if they can invite friends over,tell friends not to block people in on the driveway,not to bring strangers home for sex to the OP's house and treat their dads partner with some damn respect especially as she's also paying to put a roof over their heads when they are there.

@Oaktree55

aye, they’re not children though are they

Posted too soon - male children are allowed to behave as they please - because the female children will be expected to grow up to pander to them. What century are we in ffs?

The alternative is we all live in a squat. Well not me no way! My DSD and DH are expected to keep our home tidy, Im not a servant nor hotel chambermaid. DSD is much better - still rough edges - but at least knows basic rules and pretty much sticks to them on her EOW visits. I'm liking her more and I think shes warming to me too - actually got a card for my birthday first time in about 8 years!

But then shes female so maybe has inbuilt tidiness which just needed bringing out?

I think the problem is basically that they are not your children. If they were, their behaviour would irritate you and you would complain about it but it would be different. They aren't your children. They aren't your problem and you don't want to live with them. That's fair enough. I wouldn't either. They are your DH's children. He does want to live with them. It's a difficult one. Best solution is probably for him to get them to behave in a way that you would find more tolerable. Even then nobody in their 50s really wants to live with an extra 4 adults they are unrelated to.

Standard adult child behaviour… if you don’t actually want to be a proper step mum, just say that.

of course they are gonna stop by, that is where their dad lives! Imagine making an appointment to see your parent.

if you are not up for that you should exit stage left. Dont get in the way of his relationship with his children by grumbling about normal behaviour

Forfukzsake · Today 20:28

I think the problem is basically that they are not your children.

No the problem is theyre basically messy rude inconsiderate humans. Why would the lack of biological link make rude behaviour ok?

My point was more that it's one thing to be driven insane by your own children's behaviour - but another thing entirely to be driven insane by that of children to whom you are not related. I wouldn't have the patience or the interest to put up with this. Hence, as I said, I would never be involved with a man with semi-dependent children. Blended families and step-parenting are not for me. If you go down that route, you have to expect it not to be plain sailing.

@Energydrink Nope. Not standard adult behaviour unless you are completely pathetic and wish to clear up after other adults forever.

Im sorry for the pigsty you live in if you think thats normal behaviour, what OP says they do. One night stands brought to her home, car parked in, mess everywhere etc etc etc. Not normal for me and a lot of other people. But you have your family as you wish - hope youre not living near me, I imagine your garden full of junk, loud music, other cf-ery.

Also, as someone has actual experience of, I definitely suspect if the OP wasn't around he would sharply move somewhere too small where he didn't have to deal with his rude messy adult children.

"if you don’t actually want to be a proper step mum, just say that."

What exactly is a 'proper step mum'? Servant? Dogsbody? Slave? Sub-human with no rights?

If the OP is to sell the house, she doesn't need his children coming and leaving their mess everywhere.

So in THAT context, no more visits, I wrote no more visits, clean up the house and sell it.

These young adults will be exactly like the selfish partners that posters write about.

It takes some arrogance and disrespect to treat a house that isn't your own.

As for being blocked in by their cars?

They are a disgrace, as is your partner for allowing it.

If you don’t feel comfortable with them staying there in your home whilst you are away I would stand my ground and say no, if they treat your home like that when you are there imagine what a state they’d leave it if you weren’t there! I think his children sound very disrespectful, your partner should discuss this with them. Can he not see it is causing you grief? It’s your life, and your home. Don’t make others make you feel uncomfortable in your own space.

Sell. Get a one bed flat again for yourself even if it’s tiny. He can go to his own place when the kids return and/or let them use it alone as they wish. You can have your sanctuary.
As a woman without her own kids I am not at all surprised you don’t want the mess and randomness that teens and young adults bring. It’s hard enough when it’s your own but at least then you do feel like you want them to view your home as theirs. You shouldn’t have to feel like that.

It was a bit naive perhaps to assume his kids would suddenly act as visitors when seeing their Dad but I would get out of this now before it ends your relationship.

@Energydrink

this!

'Proper step-mum' = woman-bot

I dont consider the behaviour what you describe "normal young behaviour". Its bloody rude for anyone behaving like this.

To be honest, this sounds like normal family life to me. But it’s completely understandable that it doesn’t work for you.

@Energydrink

its not standard behaviour

Who cleans up after them all, picks up, washes up, does their laundry, and replaces the food & drink, out of interest? Your husband? Does he do it all?

OP, you are not being unreasonable. As others have said, it's a shame you gave up your own flat situation as that would've been ideal. But that done, it's not unreasonable for the adult DC (and the teen) to show some respect towards the house.

Many years ago now but I had divorced parents and a stepmother who had never had children. I wouldn't have dreamed of treating Dad and her house like you describe your stepkids do. Tbh, I wouldn't have done at our main house (mum's and stepdad) but might've been a bit more relaxed at home.

I would always have asked if it was ok to visit, basically treated the place as if it was a very close friend's, not my own home. I had a great relationship with my dad and stepmum, still do.

I think you need to get your partner on board and lay down some house rules if they are too bone-headed/selfish to be considerate off their own bat. And partner needs to support you. Jeez, I know teens can be selfish but are we supposed to put up with entitled behaviour into the 20s? I don't think so.

”It’s not the new family home”... so where is their family home?

It's a difference of expectations.
They are treating it as their family home.
You want them to behave like guests.
It's a big leap for you and I bet you are longing
for your previous little cave! You've gone from having total control of your own space to a bustling family home with DC you aren't related to and perhaps have no strong connection to.
Where do they live when they are not with you? Are they students?
I think there has to be compromise on both sides your OH will clearly always want to welcome his DC , they are still young and probably dont have another home as their mum lives abroad.
So I think there needs to be some ground rules about tidying up after yourself etc but I think it's reasonable for them to stay, even when you are on holiday.
How you feel is understandable but
I think it's the price you pay for being in a relationship with an OH with 4 DC who although maybe teens - young adults are still not fully independent.

"Where do they live when they are not with you? Are they students?"

They are uni grads except 15 yo, so 20s not teens. Where they live we dont know OP didnt say.