AIBU to expect lodger to ask before regularly having new boyfriend stay overnight

[PonderingAIBU]

I've been renting 2 rooms in my flat to 2 lodgers for the past few months. We get on well and both are very lovely, friendly, and love my cats which is a huge bonus (all feels amazing after a bad experience with a previous lodger a while ago).

Both are about 10 years younger than me and I'm in my 40s, so feel like dating days are a bit behind me.

Both have previously asked if family can stay and I've said yes, I'm totally happy with that from time to time. I even offered my bedroom to lodger 1's mum when I was away for a longer visit.

Lodger 1 now has a new boyfriend and the first time he stayed, she announced he was staying over without asking or discussing how me or Lodger 2 feel about it. It's all very new but since then, he's stayed over for abut 2 nights a week for the last couple of weeks. (Not a huge amount).

But I'm not sure if I'm unreasonable to feel a teeny bit bothered by the fact that he's started staying over without her giving me a heads up or asking if that's ok first? I feel a bit unsettled with someone I don't know wandering around my flat when I'm working from home or him sitting in the kitchen (by himself). I'm not sure if I would have been bothered by any of this if I was 10 years younger, so I'm not sure if I've just become an old fart who feels unsettled by strangers in her home or if I'm being unreasonable?

So as not to drip feed, she's really lovely generally but I've been a bit bothered by a coupe of things, like when her mum stayed in my room, she cleared space in my cupboard without telling me and threw my clothes on the floor and the top of my cupboard (with no explanation or apology when I came home), she's also taken personal things out of my storage space and used them (I would have said yes if she asked but she didn't), and doesn't clean or put away washing up. Plus a few guests previously - like on my birthday when I felt pushed out of my own home (although to be fair I hadn't told her it was my birthday - but a heads up would have been nice). Or when she asked to stay a few days for free before she moved in, when I didn't know her yet.

I'm generally very laid back and hate bringing things up in case it upsets anyone, but boyfriend has turned up again and I'm in bed wide awake and generally feeling a bit unsettled by it, wondering how long he'll be staying and if I'll be able to use the kitchen over the weekend. It's not necessarily a landlord question, rather than it would be nice for both me and the other lodger to know who is in our home and feel safe and consulted etc (the 2 lodgers do get on very well but I get the feeling lodger 2 wasn't loving finding the new random boyfriend hanging out in the kitchen by himself when she got back from work).

I realise she's paying rent and is entitled to start a new relationship. And I don't want to be unreasonable about it. But I'm not sure why I've got a knot in my stomach when I heard the boyfriend walk in again. :(

AIBU to even be bothered by the not asking about the boyfriend staying over. And should I just let it slide because we get along well and otherwise, she is lovely and friendly to have around? Sorry for the long post.

Obviously, that doesn't mean they should put up with anything but it sounds as if OP gets on well with the lodger so why would she want to throw her out without trying to come to an agreement regarding the boyfriend staying first?

Put up with anything?
Like having her clothes thrown on the floor, her living room furniture rearranged without permission, and having lodger's boyfriend staying whenever and for however long it suits them.

OP getting on well with lodger?
By being a total doormat and letting her lodger get away with the above?

Trying to come to an agreement regarding boyfriend staying?
It is clear from her posts that the OP simply doesn't have the backbone to enforce boundaries.

She needs to start anew with a new lodger. Assuming she is able to learn how to clearly define and state, and enforce, her boundaries...

I think the lodger should be given notice to leave. Seems the boyfriend issue is not the only lack of courtesy as it were.

With the shortage of rentals available in the UK I'm sure the OP could fill the room ten times over within a month. There's all the renters who don't have a huge income or a guarantor, for a start, those who would find it a struggle to even get an assured shorthold tenancy. OP doesn't need to worry about lengthy eviction procedures, with lodgers if they don't pay it's a short notice period then they're out on their ear. For the same reason it's in the lodgers best interests to have good manners, consideration for those they live with and to make themselves pleasant company.

Movie watching in the living room is actually another teeny issue. I work from home a lot from the desk in my bedroom and then in the evening, both lodgers or just one will often watch box sets together without asking if I want to watch too, or watch something else that I wouldn't watch. So I end up often being in my room all day and having to be in my room in the evening too. That's definitely something that's beginning to bother me.

Lodger 1 started watching a movie with her boyfriend, after I told her I had plans to watch something so I just went in and changed the chanel when they went to the kitchen to collect their dinner. But the other lodger is also constantly using the living room TV, even though she has her own TV and has a very large ensuite room the size of a studio. Mine is very small in comparison, so it's frustrating feeling like I can't use the living room.

On the other hand, I did say they were welcome to watch TV when they moved in. So again totally my fault. I just assumed it would be once in a while or we all watch something together ocassionally. Rather than me being shut out of my own living room 5 nights a week.

Yes, I'm obviously a pushover and yes, I can see that lodgers aren't the most amazing idea for someone like that.

I'll suggest maybe a TV rota if that's needed, so we all get a chance to use the space. But again, super awkward snd really not the kind of conversation I want to be having or person I want to be who sets odd rules like that.

I'll suggest maybe a TV rota if that's needed, so we all get a chance to use the space. But again, super awkward snd really not the kind of conversation I want to be having or person I want to be who sets odd rules like that.

Oh dear. Rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic comes to mind.

TV rota? In your own home?

Super awkward? Because you want to watch TV in your own home?

Odd rules? FFS, give your head a wobble!!

She is a lodger, not a flat sharer. There is a difference. She does not have equal rights in the property in the way that three people sharing a flat would have, she rents a room and is given reasonable access to other rooms eg kitchen, bathroom, sitting room, but need to respect the fact that this is your home and it is organised in the way you want it to be organised.

You do not have to feel that you have to allow her and any random visitors access to your home. You need to sit down with both of them and explain :

A)If they want to have occasional visitors to stay over then they need to clear it with you first because this is your home and you want to know who is in it.

B)You do not expect occasional visitors to be in the property if the lodger is absent , so they leave the property when the lodger does.

C)You also need to make it clear that having a boyfriend/partner to stay regularly for several nights a week every week is not the same as “having an occasional visitor to stay over” and is not covered by A.

D)Your belongings are off limits in terms of using/ borrowing/ moving with the exception of kitchen utensils.

E) Finally say you are very sorry you did not make this all clearer when the lodgers moved in , you should have done so, and you fully understand if they now prefer to move out rather than live in your property in the way you have outlined.

( I know the other lodger is an innocent party, but it would be awkward to target the other one directly)

Might you be more comfortable OP if you just move out and rent a room somewhere so you don’t have to have a difficult conversation with the CFs who live in your home? Honestly, pull yourself together.
Do you know why she rearranged the furniture? I’m fascinated by that.

And why aren’t you in the larger en-suite room ffs! It’s is your house, you are paying the mortgage, insurance, repairs, maintenance, utility payments, broadband… you deserve the perks. If the smaller room isn’t to the lodgers liking they can move. Get a decent tv in their rooms and link them up to Netflix. Please wipe the doormat inscription off your forehead!

Sorry, my last post was in response to the poster who mentioned her lodger making the lounge his private space :)

It does depend on rental cost if "the rules" mean that being living as a lodger is nowhere near as good as being in a flat share. As you say the lodger can move out but that means that the owner is not getting the money they probably need to pay the mortgage. They won't necessarily be able to get another lodger quickly if cost is the same as flat sharing.

Stop being so wet, it's your home, they're lodgers. They should be tiptoeing around you if anything, not you feeling like your home's not your own.

Overnight visitors only 2 nights a week, no visitors left home alone, wash up and clear up after themselves, don't touch your stuff, don't move furniture, they can use the living room tv when you're away or join you watching something if invited, otherwise fuck off to their own rooms.

With flat shares you're all jointly liable for the rent, so if one of you has cashflow problems and can't pay or if someone moved out and stops paying the rest of you are still liable for all of the rent. Ditto utilities and council tax, which will be an additional cost on top of the rent along with TV licence and broadband etc. If I'm sharing with random strangers I'd far rather be a lodger.

In the majority of house shares where I live the bills are included in the rent and tenants are not usually liable for each other’s rent.

My step daughter is a lodger who has a no overnight guests rule from the outset for this reason.

I used to rent a room and felt really uncomfortable in the same situation. The thing for me was I “vetted” my lodger, but had no idea who her boyfriend was. I also only wanted female lodgers and you end up with a male lodger by association which changes the dynamics in the house. My biggest pet pev was him being home all day, on his own. This total stranger just hanging out in my house and presumably using my lodgers key. I asked that he leave when my lodger left in the morning.

Bloody hell OP, please grow a backbone, they're renting rooms from you, not a whole house.

I’ve seen lodger agreements that do stipulate no guests and I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable if that’s made clear from the outset. Even in a hotel you have to provide the name of everyone staying. This is a private home.

Are you for real OP? 😳

How difficult or hard it is to get somewhere to rent depends on what area of the country OP is in. OP would probably prefer to live with someone with an income who isn't desperate to live anywhere regardless of whether rules are reasonable because no one else will accept them as a tenant. The best tenants aren't going to be so desperate that they will accept anywhere.

They're treating you like flatmates and have eroded your boundaries over time - please be firm, it will be easy enough to get new ones.

The more you post, the more it seems like you have 'teensy' issues with practically everything in this situation. Do you actually need lodgers or are you just uncomfortable living alone?

I don’t think you are cut out to be a landlady 😵‍💫

OP, sorry, but this is crazy. It's your home! Why are you hiding away in your room and letting these people act like they own the place?

I would sit both of them down in the morning and say this is no longer working for you and they both have a week's notice to leave.

If you think you'd like more lodgers, then use that week to draft a list of house rules and make sure your new lodgers sign up to them before you move them in.

@PonderingAIBU I am not going to put the boot in and reiterate what others have said but...
For the love of god put your furniture Back. It's like she is a cat and marking her territory.
Pull them both (and I would speak to both your lodgers) back into line.
Or find others.
You are too nice!

Hi OP, I had lodgers for about 8 years until recently (different lodgers over that time!) and I also had some bad experiences.

I think having your sister to stay, and a lodger having a boyfriend stay are quite different in that the sister staying is an occasional event rather than a regular one. If one of my lodgers wanted a few friends over at the weekend I'd expect to know about that in advance, but I would never expect to know when their partner was staying. It's generally accepted that adults in relationships spend time at each other's places, I wouldn't want to interfere with that.

I think the actual problem is that you're feeling a lack of control over your space (feeling frustrated with their use of the living room etc). This is part and parcel of having lodgers! My god I can relate to the frustrations however it's the price you pay to receive that monthly income.

Since these seem to be good lodgers, my advice would be to keep your frustrations to yourself and hold on to them!

Since these seem to be good lodgers, my advice would be to keep your frustrations to yourself and hold on to them!

in what way is someone who rearranges the OP’s furniture and let’s her mum Chuck the OPs clothes out of her wardrobe a remotely good lodger? 🤔