AIBU to expect lodger to ask before regularly having new boyfriend stay overnight

[PonderingAIBU]

I've been renting 2 rooms in my flat to 2 lodgers for the past few months. We get on well and both are very lovely, friendly, and love my cats which is a huge bonus (all feels amazing after a bad experience with a previous lodger a while ago).

Both are about 10 years younger than me and I'm in my 40s, so feel like dating days are a bit behind me.

Both have previously asked if family can stay and I've said yes, I'm totally happy with that from time to time. I even offered my bedroom to lodger 1's mum when I was away for a longer visit.

Lodger 1 now has a new boyfriend and the first time he stayed, she announced he was staying over without asking or discussing how me or Lodger 2 feel about it. It's all very new but since then, he's stayed over for abut 2 nights a week for the last couple of weeks. (Not a huge amount).

But I'm not sure if I'm unreasonable to feel a teeny bit bothered by the fact that he's started staying over without her giving me a heads up or asking if that's ok first? I feel a bit unsettled with someone I don't know wandering around my flat when I'm working from home or him sitting in the kitchen (by himself). I'm not sure if I would have been bothered by any of this if I was 10 years younger, so I'm not sure if I've just become an old fart who feels unsettled by strangers in her home or if I'm being unreasonable?

So as not to drip feed, she's really lovely generally but I've been a bit bothered by a coupe of things, like when her mum stayed in my room, she cleared space in my cupboard without telling me and threw my clothes on the floor and the top of my cupboard (with no explanation or apology when I came home), she's also taken personal things out of my storage space and used them (I would have said yes if she asked but she didn't), and doesn't clean or put away washing up. Plus a few guests previously - like on my birthday when I felt pushed out of my own home (although to be fair I hadn't told her it was my birthday - but a heads up would have been nice). Or when she asked to stay a few days for free before she moved in, when I didn't know her yet.

I'm generally very laid back and hate bringing things up in case it upsets anyone, but boyfriend has turned up again and I'm in bed wide awake and generally feeling a bit unsettled by it, wondering how long he'll be staying and if I'll be able to use the kitchen over the weekend. It's not necessarily a landlord question, rather than it would be nice for both me and the other lodger to know who is in our home and feel safe and consulted etc (the 2 lodgers do get on very well but I get the feeling lodger 2 wasn't loving finding the new random boyfriend hanging out in the kitchen by himself when she got back from work).

I realise she's paying rent and is entitled to start a new relationship. And I don't want to be unreasonable about it. But I'm not sure why I've got a knot in my stomach when I heard the boyfriend walk in again. :(

AIBU to even be bothered by the not asking about the boyfriend staying over. And should I just let it slide because we get along well and otherwise, she is lovely and friendly to have around? Sorry for the long post.

I can see a hitch in your "only one set of overnight guests at a time" proposal.
Whose guests would take preference? Hers or yours?

Those of the owner.

I think you’ll need to call a house meeting.

Er no. House meetings are for house sharers and imply discussions with everyones views carrying equal weight.
Lodgings are a dictatorship- the owner gets to set the rules.

I would have thought the difference between a house share flat and being a lodger is fairly obvious.

As a lodger you don't have joint responsibility for the bills or the rental, you solely pay for use of your room. Shared spaces would be at the discretion of the home owner.

And yes I would imagine it is a lot cheaper, or even if not you can't be held responsible if one of your housemates doesn't pay their bills or quibbles over their share of them.

@Sandra1984
😂 give me a male lodger any time over a female lodger
female lodgers tend to ( in my experience) want to practicality move there boyfriends in

male lodgers are much easier to live with in terms of them having partners

she would have had a warning the minute she rearranged my living room. Did you not say anything to her at all?

I do worry your far too passive and if your unable to tackle lodgers in your home you maybe shouldn't let rooms as you will be walked all over.

Your lodger seems to be lacking boundaries.
So I would tell her:
To put the furniture back where it was
That whilst you don't mind her bf staying over occasionally, you don't want him making use of the facilities when she is not around, eg hanging out in the kitchen , and you would like notice as you might be wandering around in your night clothes. It's an all-female household and so you may well be dressed differently and behave differently to how you would in a mixed household. That may be old-fashioned(?) but it is your house and your choice.
Further, if there is only one bathroom, 3 people using it on regular basis is quite enough, more is overcrowding in a small flat.
And if she asks for her Mum to use your room again tell her no, not after the way she behaved the last time throwing your clothes on the floor etc.

You are being too NICE OP!
I am shocked she moved your furniture and you didn't immediately ask for it to be returned to how it was. ( could she have spilled something on the carpet and is trying to hide it?

I’d ask for that to be done TODAY tbh before the general chat you are going to have - her reaction to this will give you a steer on how she’ll react to your other points re boyfriend staying over etc

There are a couple of comments on here re the difference between lodgers and a flat share, maybe she thinks she is in a flat share?

If I were lodger 2 and you arranged a "touch base catchup" I'd be mightily pissed off because Lodger 2, as far as you've said, hasn't done anything at all to warrant such a catchup.

You sound like an awful manager I had a while ago who pissed everyone off because she wouldn't deal with a team member who was treating the rest of us like she was the manager. Over a relatively short space of time we all left and the manager still seemed clueless as to why despite us all telling her how annoyed we were!

She should have been out on her ear at the point when she threw your clothes on the floor. How disrespectful when you'd let her use your own room.

Sorry to say, op, but you have desperately got grow a backbone. You allow yourself to be treated like a doormat. If you can't handle being firm and laying down the law, don't have lodgers. You have got to maintain control and power at all times. This lodger you have thinks she's your equal.

I know it’s your house but it’s basically like you’re housemates isn’t it? And you are also the landlord. I don’t feel like a landlord can demand no overnight guests, whether or not they also have a room in the house. At uni one of my friends technically owned the house but we all lived there together, and there’s no way she wouldn’t could ever impose a rule like no overnight guests, or 12 hours notice or anything. I think you have to suck it up!

Uni housemates is a totally different kettle of fish than older adults who lodge.

OP absolutely doesn’t have to suck it up. People who pay to be lodgers have to suck it up that they don’t get to have constant guests or move furniture as they’re lodgers - not tenants.

I think I’d feel similarly unsure about doing the ‘right’ thing, but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I was someone’s lodger once and we ended up great friends, but she told me straight when I’d overstepped a boundary, and that was fine. It’s still your home.

Completely agree.

To say I would be pissed off if I was lodger 2 is putting it mildly.

"Not only are you really poor at managing lodger 1, you are a CF to think you can lecture me when I have done nothing wrong but put up with lodger 1's bullshit."

You are prepared to risk offending lodger 2 to protect CF lodger 1.

Are you intimidated by lodger 1, because it reads that way.?

Cut the wine out.

Write out a new list of rules.
Hand it to nr 1 and tell her move the furniture back, keep her sex life out of your hair, get with the programme or move out.

If I was lodger 2 I'd be looking around because you have zero boundaries.

Lodger 2 should be able to live in her space without this man hanging around.

You should be looking after lodger 2 by keeping your home a nice place to stay, instead you are allowing lodger 1 take the piss.

You are not laid back, you are selfishly putting what is easier for you ahead of doing the right thing.

I can only imagine what lodger 2 thinks of you privately, allowing lodger 1 make a fool of you like this.

Your house , your rules. They are not in a flat share, if they want the freedom that renting provides then they need to move out and rent.

You are quite within your rights to state that a boyfriend should not be there if they aren't in themselves. You have a right to safety and security in your own home.

Also, they are paying for 1 room, 1 person and you can't have another person there using the water and electric etc.

You have given a key to the lodger for their own use and nobody else's. Maybe you need to amend the agreement to state that they must not give it to anyone else to use.

Regarding the furniture, tell them that you did not want it moved and ask them to help you move it back to where you want it.

It is YOUR home. They are renting a room and getting use of communal facilities, that does not give them the right to move stuff around.

Regarding cleaning up after themselves, again it should be in the agreement. So mention it and remind them that neither you or the other lodger are there to clean up after them. If they want to live in a mess and leave it, then they need to go rent their own home

Yes she’s taking the piss.

All of this. She sounds far from lovely. Give her notice and find someone who respects you and your home.

On overnight guests, imagine if she moves on from this BF and decides to bring a string of Tinder dates back. You have to decide what you will and won’t tolerate and set house rules. Time to toughen up. Good luck!

You’ve clearly been hurt before which is leading you to take on too much bullshit op.some of the rings can be excused for you perhaps jot setting clear boundaries from the start.
I bet she thinks she’s landed on her feet. Which for some this might be the case. But for you this clearly isn’t working.
thisbisnt a house share,you re jot flat mates and tbh unless she is new to this she would no this and is taking you for granted.and some of the things are just darn disrespectful and you wouldn’t do.
I would say her actions are very much doing what she wants as if it’s a shared flat.moving furniture.inviting guests etc.
you need to have a chAt.and you need to be clear.you don’t need for it to become confrontational.but it might have to be if she is not going to listen and then live by your rules as her landlord.
you have to just tell her you’ve realised a few things aren’t working.and could you go through together how things need to be.
it might feel uncomfortable but op you can’t make yourself hate your own bloody home! Which you will do if you have to live in this state.
at the end of the day you can within certain reasonable bounds have any rules you like.if a person can’t live like that then they don’t live in YOUR home.

Are you a new landlord? Never cross the boundary of friend / landlord - you should never have let her mother stay in your room. Keep your boundaries.

You need ground rules. There is no right and wrong as different places function very differently and the only right or wrong is what you decide for your house and your lodgers. That is hard to change once they are already there. In future, you need house rules that are part of the rental agreement.

It doesn't depend on rental cost. It depends on what rules OP wants to set. If people don't like OP rules or charges they don't have to live there. As for why, lots of reasons. Although lodgers have less rights than someone flat sharing with an assured shorthold tenancy (or whatever it's now called) they also have less responsibilities, the freedom goes both ways. All it takes to end a lodgers tenancy is 1wk notice by either party (unless landlords rules state otherwise), with a flat share you could be tied in for upto a year. With lodgers the utilities and council tax etc is generally included in the rental cost, so one fixed price and you're responsible for only your own rent. If someone racks up the utility bills it's not your problem. Likewise if your landlord is subletting and doesn't pay the rent, you'll get evicted but that's it. With flat shares you're all jointly liable for the rent, so if one of you has cashflow problems and can't pay or if someone moved out and stops paying the rest of you are still liable for all of the rent. Ditto utilities and council tax, which will be an additional cost on top of the rent along with TV licence and broadband etc. If I'm sharing with random strangers I'd far rather be a lodger.

OP I'd give her notice. There's plenty others out there looking for a home. You'll find someone who's a better fit. I'd have a rule about guests being gone by 10pm and not there without their host too. If guests are there all day when everyone else is out at work your utility bills are going to sky rocket.

Abso-bloody-lutely !!!!

And this:

I do worry your far too passive and if your unable to tackle lodgers in your home you maybe shouldn't let rooms as you will be walked all over.

@PonderingAIBU - you absolutely need to grow a backbone and get rid of this lodger, because there is no way you'll be able to get her to respect you and your boundaries. Up until now she has pissed on you, and you have lapped it up!

This situation CANNOT be rescued. Give her a week's notice and take some time to work out whether you're suited to having lodgers.

If you do decide to continue letting rooms, you need to learn to be assertive and also have a clear, written agreement of what you will and will not accept.

House meetings are for house sharers and imply discussions with everyones views carrying equal weight.
Lodgings are a dictatorship- the owner gets to set the rules

This is a perfect explanation, and the reason I have only ever lived with a lodger.

OP, OMG you are annoying me with your passivity. Stop being a mug. Stop letting this cheeky fucker of a lodger take over your home and take the absolute piss out of you, and for the love of god, stop being so lame!

I take it that this boyfriend takes a shower ehen he stays is she paying you extra? Also using your gas or electricity in the kitchen. I would lay down some ground rules about asking permission its your home and you should feel safe and relaxed. If she doesnt like it she can go.

Anyone would think from this thread that people rent out rooms in their house out of the kindness of their hearts. Lodgers pay money for the room and people usually rent rooms out because they need money to pay the mortgage. Obviously, that doesn't mean they should put up with anything but it sounds as if OP gets on well with the lodger so why would she want to throw her out without trying to come to an agreement regarding the boyfriend staying first? She probably won't get another lodger straight away so she will lose money and she won't necessarily get on well with the next lodger.

When I had a lodger I put it as a condition - no regular guests and if you must have someone overnight, I don't want them hanging around the kitchen all day after.

I was open about it before people moved in. The room was never empty more than a week or so between lodgers.