My DC missing for 4 hours after school.!!

[Highfivemum]

had no intention of putting this up for discussion but after call today I am livid and would like some opinions
so my DC summer born started high school beginning of the month. Just 11 so young in year. He catches the coach from our village and has done this since he started. All fine up until yesterday when he was not on the coach when I waited for it after school. Tried his phone and it was turned off. Frantic drive to school with other DC and he was no where to be found. School did not have a clue where he was. Caretaker and head teacher called back into school ( they had both left premises when I got there) they both insisted he got the coach etc as all year 7 were taken to the coach stop at rear of school and escorted on the coach. For info it is a small high school. And only runs 3 coaches to surrounding villages.
Cutting a long story short that seemed like days for me my DC was discovered to be on another coach and was in another village, sitting by the coach stop. We eventually were reunited over 4 hours later.
my DC was distraught. He said his teacher let them out of lessons late and took three Dc to the back of the school and put them all on the same coach. This was the only coach left at school as the others had left. He said no time to collect their phones from the office. This was the wrong coach. When the coach arrived at its final destination my DC who was to upset to say anything got of the coach ,And there he sat till the error was discovered and we collected him.
the school today have said my son was at fault and he should have spoke to the driver and not got off the coach.,,, yes I get that but they have not admitted any mistake with the staff at all.
I am livid. Am I being unreasonable. What would anyone else think/ do. My DH took our DC to school today as they didn’t want to go.

As much as I think the school are at fault I also think your son needs to take some responsibility for saying nothing. He could have said to the teacher that he wasn't on the other kids bus, he could have said something to the driver at any point but he didn't. It worked out well in the end but I would be teaching him some strategies for "if XYZ happens I do ABC" for the future.

Firstly the teacher should have been checking which bus the children needed and not just putting them all on the same bus because it was there but secondly the school should not be having such a tight turn around time for the school buses that a single class being a few minutes late means children are left stranded.

I used to work abroad and all the children got a school bus to the school site so at the end of the day there would be about 40/50 school minibuses lined up outside. Every child knew which bus to get on but also the bus didn't leave until every child who was supposed to be on the bus was sat in a seat, even if that meant sitting for 20 minutes while they were found.

Yes I agree, my DC uses a shitphone for school and it stays charged for ages. The one issue is it doesn't keep credit but you could just put it on the cheapest possible tariff.

I'd be fuming.

Can you get a cheap brick phone and hide it in his bag so he doesn't have to hand it in? You can get a contact for a couple of quid a month and at least he'd have access to a form of communication.

Why didn't he tell the bus driver? He could have phoned someone

Well, @alanabennett, the OP says there are no signs on the front of the bus and it was the last one there, so he didn't know he was on the wrong bus till the end of the line, when presumably the adult driver told him to get off. It's all very well making the OP feel crap about her kid's life skills but most children are - shock - imperfect in one way or another, even yours I expect. And being compliant is a quality that at many other times we are eager to encourage.

I’d be really cross about the phone situation. Why are their phones locked away? When I was at school my phone was kept in my locker or turned off in my bag, anyone using them in school would have been in big trouble but it did mean if there was an issue with my bus I could call my mum. Their draconian policy took a mistake and made it something potentially dangerous rather than just irritating (being on the wrong coach).

11 years old? He must have known he was on the wrong bus.
Perhaps he needs to be more assertive.

Thank you.
yes I sobbed nearly all evening and most of today thinking of him there by him self. It’s the what could have been feeling now. Thank god he was ok.
when the school emailed today I was so so angry. I feel it’s a cop out in their part. My DH is going to go into school after taking him tomorrow.

Their fault.

If they take the child's phone from them (which is parents property) then they are returned at end of day so they can contact parents.

They essentially stuck a child on a coach a parent is expecting to go to village A with a child with a phone that went to village B with child and no phone.

They placed him in immediate danger.

Write a bullet point email. Ask for a response in 5 days with answers to what they will now do to ensure this never happens again.

I'd go as far as to point out that if worst had happened could school imagine the headlines

"School puts 11yo on coach alone to wrong village and doesn't give them their phone back before hand"

Why can't they just have phones off in bag? Most schools manage that rule

I would add, and I probably don't have to, but please downplay this in front of your DS. I think he deserves a treat for being such a brave boy, again, I don't think you need to be told that.
Of course the teacher is going to blame your DS. An adult blaming a young boy. Shame on him.

Mine have gotten on wrong bus but big difference is they all had their phones as they are allowed to keep them.on them. Iv got my youngest an apple watch cellular so I can call him even if he doesnt have his phone and I can also track his location.

Something like this would be ideal.

Definitely keep his phone switched off in his bag.

I have a tracker on my DS phone which has proved very useful when he has lost the bloody thing....and finding him when he's got lost 🙄

It was also how l found out my XH was having an affair as we all had it installed.... but that's for a different thread!

Life360

The school do understand. They just hope if they pretend they don't then you will be intimidated and not take it any further.
YANBU to complain. They know the new starts need support that's why they accompany them to the bus. I'd also be requesting they put a sign on the dashboard showing where the bus goes, and they need a process for when teachers keep DCs so late that they miss the bus.

I think the teacher needs to be named in an email to the Head and a request that all staff should be careful not to overrun at the end of the day. Your son's plight should be mentioned to all the staff. What would the teacher have done if all 3 of the buses had left?

I’ve just got my son to learn my phone number after reading your post. Hope you and he are ok, and you’re having a well deserved 🍷

He didn't have his phone, because he was let out too late to collect it.

I guess he panicked.

I am sure you are perfect.

Oh believe me, my kids are plenty imperfect 😀

Not trying to make OP feel bad about her sons life skills (she seems very proud of him for staying at the bus stop for the best part of four hours without thinking to tell the driver, one of the other kids or walk to a store to ask for assistance) but really, at 11 a child really needs to be a little less helpless. I'd have been surprised and a little disappointed if my (flawed, typically average) 8 year sat on a bus he knew was the wrong one, and didn't have the common sense to tell the driver or one of the kids there was a problem.

I am glad the boy is OK and understand the irritation with the school, but the effects of the error (putting him on the wrong bus without his phone) could have been mitigated hugely, if not entirely, by a high schooler saying to the driver, "Excuse me, I'm on the wrong bus."

The school definitely fucked up OP, that's undeniable, but it is utterly ridiculous that at 11 your son didn't say to the driver "I'm at the wrong stop, can you please call my mum." Didn't you ever teach him what to do if he got lost?

At 11years old he really should be able to say ‘this isn’t my stop’ to the bus driver, rather than just getting off.

I understand this was scary for you but it’s secondary school.

What a great kid though with such remarkable faith in you!!!! "I knew if I waited you'd find me".

The teacher is out of line and made a number of errors:-

1. Not having him back in time to get the correct bus

1. No ensuring the child had his phone

1. Not checking it was the right bus given most had left & the fact the child had no phone

The teacher had 3 missed opportunities to reduce this. If the child had the phone, the consequences would be less. If the teacher had checked the bus, it wouldn't have happened at all. First mistake forgivable but this was a host of mistakes.

I do agree that maybe your son might need to be encouraged to be a little more assertive but expect this incident will cause that to happen naturally.

Take good care, both of you will feel better in a few days I am sure. It was a scary shock and four hours is a long time.

Think it is good your DH is going in, I hope he will be very stern and serious with school. You can complain formally when you are ready.

Honestly, I think so many of you must be fundamentally very conflicted or anxious about your own parenting - or perhaps you think of parenting as a zero-sum game, where someone else's failure means that you are more of a success? It's the only explanation I can think of for the gleeful jumping to harsh judgement of both parents and children that I see on here these days - it's got so much worse. There used to be one or two low-empathy sneerer on each thread, now it often seems to be half and half.

It's so horrid, this beady-eyed watching of others to make sure they're not getting anything they don't deserve. We've become a nation of much smaller, meaner people over the last ten years.

Gosh I’m crying reading this! My dd would have been exactly the same, not able to speak up and absolutely terrified. Your poor son! And you must have had a horrific time 😦

The good thing is everyone is okay.

I would be absolutely livid with the man who put him on a random coach with no phone. At the very least I would want a meeting with the school head and would also inform ofsted and the council.

Hope your son feels better.