My DC missing for 4 hours after school.!!

[Highfivemum]

had no intention of putting this up for discussion but after call today I am livid and would like some opinions
so my DC summer born started high school beginning of the month. Just 11 so young in year. He catches the coach from our village and has done this since he started. All fine up until yesterday when he was not on the coach when I waited for it after school. Tried his phone and it was turned off. Frantic drive to school with other DC and he was no where to be found. School did not have a clue where he was. Caretaker and head teacher called back into school ( they had both left premises when I got there) they both insisted he got the coach etc as all year 7 were taken to the coach stop at rear of school and escorted on the coach. For info it is a small high school. And only runs 3 coaches to surrounding villages.
Cutting a long story short that seemed like days for me my DC was discovered to be on another coach and was in another village, sitting by the coach stop. We eventually were reunited over 4 hours later.
my DC was distraught. He said his teacher let them out of lessons late and took three Dc to the back of the school and put them all on the same coach. This was the only coach left at school as the others had left. He said no time to collect their phones from the office. This was the wrong coach. When the coach arrived at its final destination my DC who was to upset to say anything got of the coach ,And there he sat till the error was discovered and we collected him.
the school today have said my son was at fault and he should have spoke to the driver and not got off the coach.,,, yes I get that but they have not admitted any mistake with the staff at all.
I am livid. Am I being unreasonable. What would anyone else think/ do. My DH took our DC to school today as they didn’t want to go.

Ok so I still think the 11 year old should have said something rather than getting of the bus in the middle of nowhere. But coming from Oz I can appreciate school bus stops with nothing around. Which is why it’s imperative he should have been able to speak up for himself.

Bus stops in the middle of nowhere in the UK would not have many children getting off.

I dont know what is difficult to understand about how small villages work!

Main road runs past village not through the middle of it. The bus stop is on the main road. Village centre is accessed via road(s) off the main road. If you dont know the area then you may not know which roads lead to the village centre (which may have nothing in it anyway) and which just lead to private driveways/farm access.

The child is new in school. OP has said the bus he should have been on doesnt always take the same route so it may have taken a while to realise that this wasnt the correct route. In fact he may have not realised until near the end of the journey. By which point the driver tells him to get off as this is the last stop.

The lad may not have spoken up because no doubt he will have had drummed into him not to speak to the driver. Of course, in hindsight, he should have spoken up but that is hindsight where it is easy to see the consequence of not speaking up.

This is spot on. Thank you.

How did you manage to find him eventually? Did you just drive around or did you suspect he might have got on the wrong bus?

But in this scenario there are houses nearby.

And why would you drum into an 11 year old not to speak to the driver?

You are being ridiculous. At secondary school ,students are expected to get themselves to and from school.
I am very surprised that the teacher walks them to the coach and puts them on at all.But you seriously can't imagine he/she should remember whi h service every child catches. I don't believe she arrived, saw the other coaches had arrived and just lumped them all on the same bus regardless of where they lived.The coach would have had a sign at the front saying which service it was and your DS should have noticed it wS the wrong one and had all different students on it to usual. He should have spoken to the driver when he was on the wrong bus , or asked another, more capable student to phone you or tell the driver.
Finally you should have beought him up with more coping skills to know what to do when things don't go to plan

Nearby but not necessarily visible eg screened by trees (grown to screen noise from the main road. Over the years many villages have been bypassed. The village centre can easily be half a mile away. The bus stop is on the main road but is the stop for Little Codswallop, Upper Codswallop, Codswallop Major and Codswallop Minor, known collectively as The Codswallops.

Bus pulls up and the kids for The Codswallops all get off. In the time it takes for OP's lad to get his bearings and realise he is totally lost all the other kids have disappeared.

I live in Northamptonshire which is littered with such places. It is only when you are very familiar with a particular area that you know that it is, contrarily, Codswallop Minor which is the thriving metropolis blessed with a corner shop and a pub.

It's not the parents who drum in not to speak to the driver.

Most buses/coaches have signs up saying 'do not speak to the driver' or similar. Teachers on primary school trips also tell children the same. Some drivers are also quite aggressive in enforcing this rule.

@fUNNYfACE36 give over, you've not bothered to read the OP's posts.

The buses weren't marked. The teacher was unfamiliar with the bus system so just hustled the students onto the bus which was the last one still there as all the others had already left.

The lad is 11, in his first few weeks of secondary school. It is likely he isn't yet familiar with all the students who take 'his' bus. Not all students will take the bus every day.

The school has admitted it was at fault: the lesson finished too late, the teacher wasn't aware of how the bus system worked, the buses weren't marked. The school is taking steps to rectify all this.

It's on the school, appalling lack of safeguarding. Go through right channels re the complaint. Teacher needs to learn none of this is OK. YANB, total sympathy for you and your DC.

If an 11 year old can't say "I don't know where I am" at the terminus of a school bus journey I don't think he should be travelling unaccompanied.

Doesn't mean the teacher should have kept them in late but the child also has some responsibility here.

I think the "emergency meeting" is overkill. Just send a reminder round to teachers that last lesson of the day must end at x time.

I grew up in a rural area, I know how it works. But there will be houses nearby you can easily find.
And the signs about not talking to the driver is about not disturbing him or her when they are driving. This is why it is important to explain the reason for rules. I knew as a child not to talk to the driver while they were driving as it could distract them, I also knew it was fine to talk to the driver when getting on and off at a stop.
I was travelling alone at this age on two public buses and knew what to do if things go wrong.
I know someone upthread says just in the last few years this cohort act way younger than just a few years ago because of the pandemic. So I accept this may be normal for this cohort. But I think whenever children are going to be away from their parents, they do need to be taught what to do if things go wrong.

"Unknown boy knocked at my door claiming to be lost. I live on the outskirts of a small village and have never seen him before. WIBU to refuse to open the door?"

Sound like a familiar AIBU thread? Lots of posters would have said YANBU citing scam or distraction burglary.

The school's response has been entirely proportionate. This could have ended so much worse. The school's processes were not robust. They are now addressing this.

I live in a small rural village with a similar set up
The kid would know after a few days , let alone 3 weeks which children from his own class catch the same bus as him!,
He must have known something was wrong when he was shepherded on the same bus as them!
And then, having been daft enough to get on the wrong bus, not alert the driver, not asking the other students for help, sutely he ould have aked his classmatesd to go their house to use the telephone
This is the problem with babying children so much , and not giving them the skillset to cope with anything.

Most people do not behave like mumsnet.

If the bus was his friends bus but not his then surely he noticed straight away it wasn’t his bus as he wouldn’t usually get on with his friends.

I can only assume that he thought the wrong bus would still go near to where he needed. Lesson learned now, only the correct bus will get you home.

Thank goodness he was okay. But-God forbid-anything had happened to him, I wonder if an investigation would have accepted the school's contention that they were blameless? I think not.

Where does the op say the school has admitted they are at fault? She doesn't!!

He has been taking the same bus e v ery day for over 3 weeks !The kid must know by now which kids in his own class take the same bus as him, so why on earth didn't he speak up, why didn't he tell the driver at the end if the route, why didn't he ask his classmates for help, why didn't he seek help in the village? I honestly think the op needs to look at how she has parented this boy, the expectation is that children this age have at least a glimmer of common sense.
It seems as though the op hasn't prepared this boy at all for hw to cope when things don't go to plan.

@fUNNYfACE36 op said on Saturday that the deputy head apologised and admitted fault..

Some posters on this thread seem determined to make this incident the fault of the 11 year old.

So far as I can see the only thing he was 'guilty' of was doing as he was told!

No doubt OP will have told her DS 'Call me if there is a problem'. Except that wasn't easily possible because the phone was still locked up back at school.

So what was he supposed to do given the situation? He was on a main road, no visible houses, in an unfamiliar area. He stayed put which was the sensible thing.

Yes, he should have said something to the driver but that is only in hindsight. That convenient position of knowing what was the right decision.

No doubt this has been a 'learning experience' for everyone involved. For OP's DS it is okay to speak up. But the biggest learnings are for the school. They should be looking at their own procedures especially around communication amongst staff, between students and staff and between home and school.

The teacher messed up keeping them late, the 11 year old must have known he was getting on the bus with kids who didn't catch his bus. No one told him to sit in the middle of nowhere for 4 hrs.

The teachers actions started it but some of us feel the 11 year old should have spoken at some point even if that was when he saw he was being dropped off somewhere he didn't know.

I honestly think the op needs to look at how she has parented this boy, the expectation is that children this age have at least a glimmer of common sense

Maybe it is the parenting or maybe it is natural, but this little boy does not have very good problem solving skills.

The teacher failed to check that the coach was the correct coach for the children. He was obligated to ensure that the children got onto the correct coach. The children should also have been given their phones back before they were shunted onto the coach. The school acts in loco parentis ie as their parent until they are given back to their parents. I cannot imagine any parent shoving a child onto a bus just to get rid of them so that they could go home. I'm assuming that this is the UK in which case I would suggest getting legal advice if the school refuses to apologise, investigate and draw up guidelines to prevent it happening again. I would also involve the Head Governor who you can contact through the school office. The Governors are also legally responsible for the welfare of your child, and they ought to help with this.

@Gemcat1 Teachers are not responsible for ensuring children aged 11 get on the right bus to go home. At secondary they do not do registers of kids getting in coaches. A coach is provided and children get on or they do not get on.

Couldn't agree more. I am sorry you all got a fright but honestly an 11 year old should be able to get on a bus without a teacher's help! And, as for just sitting on it, when he knew it was the wrong bus! Why didn't he borrow one of the other kids' phones to let you know if he couldn't tell the driver? This is what helicopter parenting results in. When mine were 11 they were already using public transport to get around, even although I could have driven them. He needs to learn how to look after himself!