My DC missing for 4 hours after school.!!

[Highfivemum]

had no intention of putting this up for discussion but after call today I am livid and would like some opinions
so my DC summer born started high school beginning of the month. Just 11 so young in year. He catches the coach from our village and has done this since he started. All fine up until yesterday when he was not on the coach when I waited for it after school. Tried his phone and it was turned off. Frantic drive to school with other DC and he was no where to be found. School did not have a clue where he was. Caretaker and head teacher called back into school ( they had both left premises when I got there) they both insisted he got the coach etc as all year 7 were taken to the coach stop at rear of school and escorted on the coach. For info it is a small high school. And only runs 3 coaches to surrounding villages.
Cutting a long story short that seemed like days for me my DC was discovered to be on another coach and was in another village, sitting by the coach stop. We eventually were reunited over 4 hours later.
my DC was distraught. He said his teacher let them out of lessons late and took three Dc to the back of the school and put them all on the same coach. This was the only coach left at school as the others had left. He said no time to collect their phones from the office. This was the wrong coach. When the coach arrived at its final destination my DC who was to upset to say anything got of the coach ,And there he sat till the error was discovered and we collected him.
the school today have said my son was at fault and he should have spoke to the driver and not got off the coach.,,, yes I get that but they have not admitted any mistake with the staff at all.
I am livid. Am I being unreasonable. What would anyone else think/ do. My DH took our DC to school today as they didn’t want to go.

You think the bus was sitting next to him for three hours?

I'd have hoped responsible sixth formers would have done something, at least get the youngers ones to wait and go into the office and let them know there were a group of kids stranded outside.

No, I think knew he needed help but walked past an adult who was perfectly placed to help him, and for some bizarre reason didn't ask for help.

I'd be angry with the school, utterly furious, but I'd also be really pissed off with my kid. He could have mitigated the situation simply by speaking up but instead he put himself in a very dangerous situation that was completely avoidable.

No but presumably he knew he wasn't in his own village so could have asked the driver how to get home.

Did you practice some scenarios about what to do before school started? I definitely remember school buses missing stops and not turning up at times in secondary school.

I think a neurotypical 11 should have some preparation and resourcefulness to say " teacher, this isn't my coach" or "excuse me Drive this isn't my stop, can you help me get back to school so I can call my mum?"

In honesty I think I'd be annoyed at my almost 6 year old for not speaking up and just getting off the bus and just sitting there like a bump on a log. That level of quiet compliance would concern me- they've got to learn the confidence to navigate the world no matter how "scary" it is.

Surely an 11 year old would realise at some point that he wasn't on the normal route or at the very least notice that he wasn't in his own village when the bus terminated.

The bus carried on with the younger kids on with the driver having been given directions. If sixth form lad hadn’t spoken up then yes driver would have just stopped and told them to get off over a mile from school. Ok if you know where you are, you can walk, not if you are 11 and don’t know town (25% of places go to none catchment and it’s a huge catchment mostly rural)

I am also a little concerned about the seemingly large number of meek and obedient children on this thread. If they are unable to speak up about being on the wrong bus, what else will they be unable to speak up about?

I can easily imagine how he’s got off bus thought oh no this really isn’t my stop but by then the bus has gone, no phone. I personally don’t think that’s unusual for a just turned 11 yr old.

Sorry, when you said you had no idea what happened to the younger ones I didn't realise you knew the bus carried on to the school.

To be fair that wouldn't work because the bus driver is on a schedule and can't be held up. Plus. What about kids who are away to the dentist or going home with a friend ?

I definitely think some of it has origins in covid. All the rules, you must comply. Hearing on news about fines. Plus lots of schools are zero tolerance - no chance to say why late just automatic detention. Some especially go hard core first few weeks to set the tone - assemblies laying down the law, penalty points for forgetting a book when they are new.

Another one appalled at the school. No wonder you were tearful for so long, OP> Reading this I want to rush off and give my DS a big hug but that’s not practical because he’s 37 and at work!

I think the current cohort of Y6/7/8 is also extremely ‘young’ in a way that it is hard for those who have children older than this to fully appreciate. Because it is a whole cohort issue, due to Covid, it is also very hard for parents to understand how far outside the ‘long term norms’ their child’s overall independence and experience of the world is. Everyone has lived more restricted lives in the period from March 2020, with not only fewer direct experiences, but also fewer opportunities for them and their parents to observe the children a bit older and go ‘that’s what the next step looks like’.

This is even more the case in relatively rural places, where those ‘developmental steps’ have to be so much more actively sought and where the peer group is so much smaller that the ‘current restricted / protected norms’ are pretty much universal.

So I would have been really surprised by the total passivity of this child 5 years ago, but would see it as well within the norm today.

@Blackheath95
Oh...I can think of a million kids who don't or won't speak up about things where an adult is concerned and I'm perfectly sure that if YOU read the news and watch TV, you will also know that this happens. Children worried about speaking out in case they get a curt answer from an adult. It's not only children.

Thanks that is an interesting perspective and surprises me.
My children are 14 and 16 years old so I thought I knew what was the norm for 11 year olds, but looks like I was wrong.

Children need to be taught life skills though as being too afraid to talk to an adult in case they get a curt answer makes them very vulnerable.

I’ve got a 16 yr old but spend time with 11-12 age now (Guides) and there’s a definite difference.

Thanks that is an interesting perspective and surprises me

I have taught upper KS2 for many years, and looking at recent Y6s compared with those from 5 years ago is quite revealing.

In some ways, many seem more ‘adult’ - physically larger, much more use of sexualised and bad language, exposed to much more through social media etc - but in terms of real life skills and experiences, and in terms of independence and managed rusk taking, much much younger.

Parents are more protective, just as part if general international anxiety, and groups like Scoits/ Guides / Boys’ or Girls’ Brigade plus the host of other sports and hobby organisations that might organise short trips / residentials that require independence have all been restricted in what they can do. It’s really noticeable.

Sorry - another factor is that this cohort has really struggled to re-establish ‘school / learning behaviour norms’, through a combination if online learning with its opportunities for breaks etc, class bubbles leading to lack of opportunity to follow the model set by older peers and allowances being made - often by parents - along the lines of ‘poor things, they have missed out in so much, we have to be extra nice to them / make allowances’.

This means that receiving secondary schools have often gone in quite hard in terms of behaviour expectations after transition, hoping that by doing so as part of the ‘new start in secondary’, there will be a reset in terms of behaviour at the cohort level.

This may well mean that quieter, less confident children feel that secondary school adults are strict and unapproachable if a problem arises early in Y7.

thank you for all your thoughts on this. To the few who have said. My DC does know my mobile number off by heart, and before he started we went through all poss issues that could happen. I don’t hold my DC in any way responsible for any of this. He is just 11 and shy. That’s his personality. No amount of coaching will change the way he is.
My DH went into school today and spoke to Deputy head. The teacher who was responsibly for sending the children out late and putting them on the coach has been spoken to and admitted he was at fault. He is new to school and said he wasn’t aware that there was more than one coach 🤨at school. The deputy was very upset about the whole incident and has called an emergency staff meeting this lunch. He has arranged a meeting with my husband again on Monday.
the deputy apologised for the email I had yesterday and said it should not have been suggested my DC was at fault.
he is speaking to my DC this afternoon.

That's a really positive response from the school,I'm glad to hear it.

However I really think you need to have a word with your son. He put himself at a huge unnecessary risk and you need to very firmly speak to him about the decisions he made and what he should have done instead. He needs to learn from this.

Glad school are taking it more seriously.
To all those saying you should have gone through all scenarios first time mine went to city on train alone there was someone mentally ill saying they had a bomb - police boarded train at some sidings and made them all climb off and hide in bushes. She had her phone and called me but I couldn’t get through as the police had closed the roads in case a bomb exploded. We laugh now. I’d gone through scenarios like check screen on platform make sure it’s correct train, keep your phone and purse safe from pickpockets but bomb one I hadn’t thought of.
Hope your son is ok today.

You might not want to hold him accountable but I would certainly consider debriefing with him what he could and should have done to keep himself safe.

In all honesty I think I would personally begin to hold my child accountable for his actions at that age. Children learn through failure and mistakes so I'd talk it through/problem solving, role play a few scenarios, teach him how to check that he's on the right bus. Job done. Taking him out for pizza and tell him how well he did while getting on at the school is probably great for his ego but utter crap for his life skills! "I knew you'd find me eventually" isn't resourcefulness, it's learned helplessness.

If he's too shy to seek help and would rather sit by himself for 4 hours at a bus stop than to talk to a passing stranger and ask them to call you, is there not more going on here? It just seems utterly bizarre to be so helpless at his age. I'd be looking at myself as much as I looked at the school and thinking about ways to encourage his independence.