My DC missing for 4 hours after school.!!

[Highfivemum]

had no intention of putting this up for discussion but after call today I am livid and would like some opinions
so my DC summer born started high school beginning of the month. Just 11 so young in year. He catches the coach from our village and has done this since he started. All fine up until yesterday when he was not on the coach when I waited for it after school. Tried his phone and it was turned off. Frantic drive to school with other DC and he was no where to be found. School did not have a clue where he was. Caretaker and head teacher called back into school ( they had both left premises when I got there) they both insisted he got the coach etc as all year 7 were taken to the coach stop at rear of school and escorted on the coach. For info it is a small high school. And only runs 3 coaches to surrounding villages.
Cutting a long story short that seemed like days for me my DC was discovered to be on another coach and was in another village, sitting by the coach stop. We eventually were reunited over 4 hours later.
my DC was distraught. He said his teacher let them out of lessons late and took three Dc to the back of the school and put them all on the same coach. This was the only coach left at school as the others had left. He said no time to collect their phones from the office. This was the wrong coach. When the coach arrived at its final destination my DC who was to upset to say anything got of the coach ,And there he sat till the error was discovered and we collected him.
the school today have said my son was at fault and he should have spoke to the driver and not got off the coach.,,, yes I get that but they have not admitted any mistake with the staff at all.
I am livid. Am I being unreasonable. What would anyone else think/ do. My DH took our DC to school today as they didn’t want to go.

Where school transport is provided for the majority or large numbers of children the staff would be escorting them to the bus and policing behaviour around the bus. Some secondary schools have an escort on the bust too.

I’m slightly bemused that they have to hand their phone into school at secondary. My DD’s school has a no phone in school policy but this means phones in bags and not to be seen used during the school day including the yard. My daughter leaves hers on silent as she has calendar alerts which go to her watch for various reasons (autistic and needs reminders). I am also able to track her on days I’m leave for work before she does and comes home when I’m still at work.

I’d be making a formal complaint. The teacher needs to not let kids out late if buses won’t wait. And then if staff must escort to buses then they should know which bus which children should get on. They’d have been better off collecting their phones and missing the bus. That way they could at least contact their parents for collection!! I suspect a formal complaint to the chair of governors would come back as it’s not their fault but you might find they change their system slightly. I once made a complaint and chair of governors escalated it to board of trustees who concluded their account wasn’t the same as our account and they were closing the matter. But then when the next scenario of this potentially happening again came around, the school system had changed to tighten up safeguarding.

I don't understand. You said he was dropped off in another village. Another village with no houses, just a country road. How is that a village?

I would be livid. He's a young 11, yes some kids would have spoken up but I can well believe my eldest wouldn't in this situation, she'd likely be confused. The lack of care is astounding! Must have been the longest 4 hours of your life.

I had a similar incident at dcs school but I was the one that found the missing children.
school adamant it’s not their responsibility, i believe they have an absolute duty of care regardless of them not being in physical care.

good luck with this your poor son and I hope the school prevent it happening again

Awful lack of care and safeguarding. Im
so sorry

Your poor boy! Those people saying you should have talked through possible scenarios and come up with contingency plans have obviously got amazingly superior crystal balls!

I'm usually fairly relaxed about things but I'd be absolutely incandescent about this. It's a gravely significant safeguarding issue which I'm sure you are all too aware could have had all too different consequences. I'm glad the school has finally realised the gravity of the situation and are going to put changes in place. And I think your child behaved in a mature and reasonable fashion. He didn't engage with strangers and showed smarts by waiting in the same place. It's all very well saying a child should know better but one can't legislate for the fact that all kids are different and I know my eldest DS would react in very much the same way. He behaved so maturely and calmly under the circumstances and you should be very proud of him. And huge hugs to you. 💕You've had a terrible shock. Thank goodness he is safe.

oh my god, poor boy .. This was 100% schools fault.. my DC would of done the same as he would of been too shy to approach the bus driver..
Buy him a cheap pay as you go phone for emergencies and tell him to keep it in his bag at all times. I don't agree with them handing in their phones, if they misuse it then the teacher can take it but see no reason for them to take them..
Please complain, you defiantly are not being unreasonable

Why do they have to hand their phones into the office? Can't they just put them in a box during class then get them at the end of the lesson?

I was a summer born young 11 and I once got distracted and got on the wrong bus - it wasn’t an official school bus. When I realised it was wrong I alerted the driver who dropped me off randomly in the middle of nowhere so I wouldn’t continue to go in the wrong direction. I remember I had a little panic and then got my shit together- walked to a nearby garden centre and told them I was lost. I politely asked if I could make a call- They just told me how to get to the closet phonebox 🤣
So I walked 2+ miles and realised I didn’t have the 10p for the call. So I reversed the charges and I still remember how proud I was to get through that adventure after quite a sheltered schooling in a small village primary.

Nowadays is different with mobiles but mesmerising numbers is still important!

You need to think of the skills you can give him now - remembering numbers, practising finding help, practise conversations he might have with people and build up his social confidence. But also stranger danger. Looking for a mum with children etc.
Also maybe write it down - step by step strategies to help and numbers and put in his bag.

Op why did it take four hours with no police called? I’ve asked this before but I genuinely cannot fathom.

That sounds like a good resolution, so far.
As for your DS being afraid to speak up I totally get that, I have 3 DS and 1 would never have said a word, where the other 2 at that age would have been the same as your DD.
As for me at that age, I travelled by 2 trains to school, I would have been in tears and would not have spoken out either.
I hope your DS is OK and nothing like this happens again.

@MolliciousIntent my 14 year old is extremely socially anxious and wouldn't speak up in that situation, expecting every child to be confident enough to say something is naive and they are NOT stupid!

Memorising*

That’s horrible, I would have been beside myself. Basically sounds like the teacher couldn’t be bothered to check and just wanted to get rid of the kids on any bus going. It’s incompetent not to check, teacher should have known better. I would have gone crazy at the school for this.

Absolutely right its a safeguarding issue - I would be furious too and I would not let it go

As the same children use the same bus maybe there could be a list given to the driver to a roll call could be done by the driver before the bus leaves the school. Although this will take 5 mins to call for thirty pupils, it’s what teachers have to do on school trips, better safe than sorry..

If your child is too socially anxious to keep themselves out of danger, then you (and OP) as parents should not be letting them travel without direct adult supervision.

If a secondary school age child is unable to navigate simple situations like this one (wrong bus, ask adult for help) then they should not be in those situations. Being socially anxious doesn't preclude your child from being at risk. They still need to know how to advocate for themselves and get themselves out of danger! If they can't, you shouldn't let them out of your sight.

All this "all kids are different and some wouldn't be able to speak up" is all well and good, but if you have a kid like that, you shouldn't be letting them travel home from school on the bus, you should be collecting them.

I was worried about my DCs phone running out of charge and then not having my number memorised so they've both got a bank card sized laminated list of numbers in their wallet.

You could do that perhaps?

That must have been so scary for yiu both. Why was his phone in the office.

I am absolutely shocked by your ignorance of what public transport is like outside of London!!

There is no bus or tube arriving in a few minutes to take you back the way you came, there are not thousands of people, businesses around to ask for help and there is absolutely no uber or even a cab.......

The children in London have it incredibly easy in comparison.

When you live rurally, you miss the bus home and you are stranded! You catch the wrong bus and you can end up quite a distance in a relatively short period (it may come as a shock but the bus doesn't crawl in nose to tail traffic in the countryside). Even when you do catch the correct bus, there is usually a pretty long walk home - no pavements and no street lights.

To find yourself in the middle of nowhere with no means to contact anyone or get home would be frightening for most adults let alone an 11 year old child.

Again, if there is a long walk home in rural areas with no street lights you would presume those children would be capable and robust?

No street lights means it's literally pitch black. my village is like that - I wouldn't go out myself without a torch in the dark, let alone a child!

This is appalling, I would be livid with the school , dc must have been terrified

Gosh OP that is absolutely awful!!! I can't imagine how scared you and DS were!