My DC missing for 4 hours after school.!!

[Highfivemum]

had no intention of putting this up for discussion but after call today I am livid and would like some opinions
so my DC summer born started high school beginning of the month. Just 11 so young in year. He catches the coach from our village and has done this since he started. All fine up until yesterday when he was not on the coach when I waited for it after school. Tried his phone and it was turned off. Frantic drive to school with other DC and he was no where to be found. School did not have a clue where he was. Caretaker and head teacher called back into school ( they had both left premises when I got there) they both insisted he got the coach etc as all year 7 were taken to the coach stop at rear of school and escorted on the coach. For info it is a small high school. And only runs 3 coaches to surrounding villages.
Cutting a long story short that seemed like days for me my DC was discovered to be on another coach and was in another village, sitting by the coach stop. We eventually were reunited over 4 hours later.
my DC was distraught. He said his teacher let them out of lessons late and took three Dc to the back of the school and put them all on the same coach. This was the only coach left at school as the others had left. He said no time to collect their phones from the office. This was the wrong coach. When the coach arrived at its final destination my DC who was to upset to say anything got of the coach ,And there he sat till the error was discovered and we collected him.
the school today have said my son was at fault and he should have spoke to the driver and not got off the coach.,,, yes I get that but they have not admitted any mistake with the staff at all.
I am livid. Am I being unreasonable. What would anyone else think/ do. My DH took our DC to school today as they didn’t want to go.

I'm absolutely shocked at the difference between all these kids on this thread who are clueless - and m
the London kids I know who navigate their own way across London every day from 11 years old on tubes / buses / trains without any problems..

Better response from the school OP. Well done.

I think that we very much get what we model. A London child will navigate public transport with adults from a very early age. For a rural child to get ANY experience of non-car transport will often require parents to seek out a very specific opportunity as a ‘teaching experience’.

My old village has had no public transport for over 7 years, so a child starting secondary from there would have to have been explicitly taken by a parent to somewhere with buses to go on a bus at all (except for school trips, which are obviously under the control of teachers). Yes, many parents WILL do this as part of giving their child life skills, but many will not.

Equally, a rural child might negotiate a field of cattle on a footpath where an urban child might not, or might be used to cycling miles as a form of transport where an urban child might not, so again a parent may have to explicitly teach those skills before they are needed.

’Urban’ skills are not ‘better’ than rural skills. They are just different.

Dd’s peers from our old village are horrified that she doesn’t drive. Amazed. Shocked. Every 17 year old there takes their test at the earliest possible opportunity. Dd can negotiate urban public transport systems in some of the world’s major cities. It depends what you need / have modelled for you.

My kids are rural - nearest shop is 5 miles away, nearest small village primary school 3 miles away (the village shop there closed permanently during the pandemic), secondary school is 10 miles. There is one bus a day to our village in each direction and one an hour to the village where the primary school is.

They can navigate public transport and have been responsible for getting on the right school bus since the age of 6 (no escort from school). At 16 my eldest started college 30 miles away in the nearest city and travels there independently.

Yes, you do have to prepare and model for children of course! Its important for rural and urban children to have all the independence skills they're capable of mastering.

Don't drive and can't drive aren't the same any more than don't use public transport and can't use public transport are and it's a useful skill to have - most people don't stay living in one place these days.

Porridge, I absolutely agree that ideally everyone would prepare, and model for, children every skill that they might need.

However, I can quite understand if some parents don’t or can’t equip their children with the skills that are rarely used in their current environment.

It is no more ‘shocking’ that an 11 year old rural child can’t navigate their way round a public transport system as confidently as a London child as it is that an 11 year old Londoner nay not be able to navigate their way through a field of cattle as confidently as a child who crosses that field every day on their way to school. Both are understandable products of their environment.

DD - 19 - can’t drive, not yet had lessons as not been her priority since lockdown. In an environment where she needs it, she’ll get it organised.

Yes, expectations in different areas are vastly different!

I taught primary in London for years and currently work in a small rural West Country town.

In London hardly any kids, even in Y6, walked home without adults. Down here, loads of kids from Y3 upwards have permission to go home alone/with friends. In one way the kids here are much more independent BUT my colleagues here are aghast when I tell them that in London virtually all our school trips were on the Tube (free school travel) and that when kids went to Y7 they navigated the Tube/London buses solo. They just can't get their heads round taking a Ks1 class on the Tube. So it's different expectations everywhere. (I'm at home with Covid BTW in case anyone wonders why I'm Mumsnetting at this hour!)

Glad the school in OP's case seem to have accepted responsibility but still think OP's son should have had the nous to speak to the bus driver.

Wow! How is this in ANY way your child's fault? He's barely 11! I'd be starting a formal complaint asap, it's a massive safeguarding issue!

The school have acknowledged their error, apologised and taken steps to ensure it doesn't happen again.

However, OP's son does bear some responsibility for how this turned out. Getting off the bus in the middle of nowhere and sitting by himself for 3 hours rather than asking the bus driver to call his mum was really very stupid. My 3yr old knows to ask a grown-up to call mummy if she gets lost!

That's a much better response. There are ample opportunities here to learn something. From coaches actually being identifiable to teachers making sure they are putting children on the right ones. But difficult when the coaches are identical and don't have numbers.

A far better response!

What an awful and scary experience, like you I would be livid! Your son was very brave. My son is the same age and very confident - that would scare him!!

I'm shocked by those that have commented that your son should have said something! Not all children are the same and it's naive to assume every 11 year old would speak up. My daughter is 12 and can be very socially anxious, she will totally avoid speaking to any strangers whatsoever to the point that it limits what she will and won't do! My son, just 15 months younger is the polar opposite, very confident and will speak to anyone.... my youngest at 7 is the same! All brought up exactly the same......

Good that school has taken responsibility.

I think you need to use it as a learning opportunity for your child - talking him through what he should do in different scenarios, speaking up being a VERY important one

Maybe if your son really is a that young 11 he’s not ready to have the responsibility of going to school solo?! He should have never have left the premises without his phone for definite. My son is 12 and bikes himself to school and back every day and has done since he started.

Definitely sounds like you might need to have a chat with your son and just try to get him to be a bit more assertive in certain situations if possible.

and yes definitely complain about the teacher who put them on the wrong bus as that was a really stupid mistake to make

my DC was called into deputy office today and he was assured by him to not worry and coaches will all be numbered as from Monday. Also the teacher spoke to him and apologised for not letting the class out late, not letting him get his phone and for telling them to all get on the bus. I feel better about it now as does DC and confident they are taking appropriate measures to assure it doesn’t happen to anyone else. As I said DH has a meeting with deputy again on Monday to explain new measures they will put in place. I spoke to my DC as to when he realised the coach was not going where he lived. He said it takes different routes some days ( I know this from the LEA transport team) we are very rural. He said it wasn’t until the driver said. That’s the last stop. See you all tomorrow that he thought it wasn’t right. He said he wished he had said something to the driver but felt scared he would get into trouble and embarrassed too. He knows now this wouldn’t happen. The stop was not near any houses either or passing people so he was stranded. Yes my DC is a young 11 that is the way he is. As I have said previous my DD who is 12 would have refused to get off and I know my DS who is 9 would have also spoke up. Children are all different. He is not handing his phone in now. It will stay with him. Hopefully he will be back on coach on Monday.

My son has just started secondary and was left to it from day 1, he has to walk across town but thankfully found a mate on the same bus early on to walk with. The safety net is their mobile phones and we messaged him regularly with advice/support to cheerlead him on and help him avoid mistakes. Your son was stuck on a bus to somewhere random without this vital lifeline. As an adult, stuck in the middle of nowhere with no phone, I'd feel vulnerable, so I don't understand how anyone can think an 11 year old can find a way out of it. I feel heartbroken for both of you.

Glad fault has been admitted.

I can understand your son, OP. When I was 11 and new in secondary school I was very shy and unsure of myself, and I'm not at all convinced that in this situation it would have occurred to me in time to talk to the driver, or that I would have been brave enough to do so. When you first go to secondary school everything is so very different and strange, it's a lot to navigate even before you throw being put on the wrong bus into the mix. Good for him for having the sense to stay put and wait to be found.

Good to see that the school has taken this lapse in safeguarding so seriously and are taking sensible steps to ensure it doesn't happen again.

TfL has huge departments dedicated to designing and delivering effective transport information. Even without the fact that most London children will have grown up using the network with their families, it’s just easier to use because the information is well provided. There are route maps and timetables on all the bus stops and information screens and stop reminder systems once you’re on the bus. It’s a much easier system to navigate without the back up of a phone than the situation in the OP.
Also, the London kids don’t navigate entirely without problems, it’s just that when they miss a bus, they can just catch the next one and still get home, so no one really notices.

Icouldbehappy

You are just the loveliest person ever xxxxx

The teacher who kept them back so late needs a stern talking to. That's absolutely not on.

In future I would suggest he keeps a switched off phone in his bag at all time. Fuck what the rules say.

But I your son made a bad decision by getting on a bus he knew was the wrong one. It's fine, kids make mistakes. And it's especially hard for quiet kids who don't like to question authority.

Hopefully this is a learning experience and he takes away that those in authority don't always know best.

The school is completely to blame for him missing the bus.

But your son is to blame for having to sit at the side of the road in a strange location with no one knowing where he was.

100% the school’s fault and they need to accept responsibility and put measures in place to ensure this doesn’t happen again to any other child. Your poor son, I hope he is ok and can move past this. I would be livid too OP. Definitely take this further.

Your poor son must have been so scared. I would ring and get the safeguarding governor's email address and put what happened in writing.

i would be livid. Document exactly what happened and the responses you received. Copy it to the board of governors and request a response within 7 days . My kids are summer born in yr 7 too, and would not have been able to deal with this either. They owe your son an apology.

If u read my posts my son did not know it was the wrong coach. They are not signed and his teacher told him to hurry up and get on.
once he got off the coach he had no choice but to sit and wait. This was a county road with no houses