To think Mumsnet only tolerates a tiny age bracket for women to have children

[Crumpetandbutter]

Teens - Forget it.

Twenties - No. You should be partying, travelling and living the high life, preferably in London.

Early thirties (30-32) you should be building your career.

32-35 - probably acceptable. Many feel 32/33 on the young side.

35-38 - just tolerated. Many feel 37/38 is on the old side.

38+ no. You will die, have a child with disabilities and really how selfish. (If you can have one at all, that is.)

Disclaimer, I think the above is bollocks.

Have a baby when you want to have one.

Also I pretty much sailed through menopause with regard to hot flashes.

i am vegetarian/vegan and eat a lot of soya so not everyone has problems with temperature

I also don’t have elderly parents and dh’s parents were active right up to their late 80s when fil died of cancer and mil mid 90s when she died this year. In her 80s after fil passed mil was playing bridge and going on cruises with her younger man friend (late 70s)

Just because you get old doesn’t mean you automatically get ill. The food you eat, what you drink, exercise and less stress all count towards helping you stay fit.

MN isn’t homogenous. There’s more than one group. In part it’s a class thing.

I know girls who became pregnant as teenagers but I don’t know any who chose to continue their pregnancy. The norm in my group of friends and acquaintances is to have children from around 30+. Having children at 40-45 seems totally reasonable to me.

For those who, along with the rest of the people they know, have children in their teens or early 20s, 40+ must seem old to be having babies. They may well be grandmothers at 40-45 years old.

So if you post about having a baby at 18 or at 40 you’ll get people from each group thinking, ‘That’s insane!’

@Noviembre , a girl I went to school with (a few years younger) had an unplanned pregnancy at 16, had the baby at 17. She always was quite an old head on young shoulders and she and her partner married at 18 and decided to have their family as young parents, so started TTC and she had twins at 19! He worked, she stayed at home until they were all at school and then she went to university. She trained as a midwife actually

She was a great mum, very loving and kind, had lots of support from their wider families who were all still young and I think it worked really well for them. It’s funny as she’s now in her late 30s with young adult children and she must have enjoyed it as she’s pregnant again! She’s still with her husband, too.

For me a peak MN moment was a thread about the struggles of holiday childcare where it was said that you shouldn't even TTC until you've researched holiday club availability in your local area.

😂😂

Like childcare providers don't close and open every year.

@FlorettaB , I had my first and thus far only child at 40. I don’t think anyone who had theirs at say 23 is ‘insane’, funnily enough.I think … they had a baby at 23. That is about the beginning and the end of my thoughts on the matter.

I might have judged once, but I’ve grown up since school days and I know many awful mothers of all ages and many fantastic ones of all ages, too. And there tend to be reasons as to why people have their first child at the age they did which stretch further than class, although education levels come into it I suppose.

Even then you can't judge.

Some people on paper look like they would be a good parent but reality shows otherwise.

Why?

Planned pregnancy, no infertility issues

Friend really wanted another child, she and her Dh are fit and healthy They have a good income and she looked way younger than half the mums at the school gate and was probably healthier and fitter than nearly all of them.

I also know someone who had years of ivf and at 49 decided to stop. Went on a long holiday to come to terms with the fact that they were never going to be parents and a few weeks later found out she was pregnant. Perfectly healthy baby at 50

Not at 23 but at 18?

Have your family when it's right for you.

I am only a little bit judgmental for people who have their first at 40+... but this is because my dad was nearly 50 when I was born... he never met his grandchildren and I think it's sad because he would have made a gret grandad.

It is a shame @Ylvamoon but I’d rather have my son and know him and experience motherhood than not. And I think he’d rather be alive than not born at all. I hope, anyway.

@FlorettaB i don’t think eighteen year olds having babies are insane. I suspect the majority aren’t planned but I know a fair few who have done just fine, and life ends up looking different but not necessarily worse. I know on here your late teens and twenties are supposed to be all about parties and travel, but mine certainly weren’t. I look at photos from some of my friends and their eighteenth and twenty firsts were celebrated with family and friends and lots of laughing and fun. I can’t say the same for mine, baby or no baby. Life’s what you make it and all that.

I don’t doubt that 18 year olds can be great parents and go on to have successful careers. It’s that they’re taking on the responsibility of being parents when they’re so young. Yes, their children will be grown before they hit 40 but you’re only young once.

As I was peri menopausal by age 32 I am glad I had my children in my early 20s.

@FlorettaB so really it can be summed up with People Do Things I Personally Would Not - at both ends of the age extremes!

Personally I wouldn’t have wanted a baby at 18. I would have been lonely and isolated and miserable. I also wouldn’t want a 24 year old now I’m 42. I’m enjoying having a small child around the place.

But (and this isn’t aimed at you personally) it’s unbelievably pompous and irritating to be lectured about why you’ve lived your life all wrong by someone who isn’t living it.

’so really it can be summed up with People Do Things I Personally Would Not - at both ends of the age extreme’

Yes! More than that though it’s about how we tend to surround ourselves with/be surrounded by people who reaffirm those views by making the same choices.

Perhaps for some people. I have friends from many different backgrounds.

I think it’s reasonable to consider the future as well as the present when deciding to have a child.
Your fertility declines with age, your chances of having a child with disabilities increases (it can happen at any age but still more likely the older you are), more likely to have pregnancy complications with age. It’s up to an individual or a couple to decide what is right for them.
You mention being ableist, which reminds me of a friend I had as a teenager who had a few siblings close in age. The mother had a serious degenerative condition and the parents went on to have another baby. The pregnancy worsened the mothers condition. My friend was furious at her parents for deciding to have another baby. The teenagers became the ones who were expected to go to school, come home take over with the baby, housework, dinner and then their own homework. My friend and the older siblings all moved far away for university because it was only way of having their own independent lives. I can definitely see my friends perspective here and I don’t think she was being ableist. None of us can predict the future, life certainly throws us curveballs. We make decisions and hope it works out for the best.These decisions aren’t always easy and sometimes we don’t meet someone until we are older.

I'm Irish and my grandmother had her first at 23 and last at 45. 10 children in all. She was 40 when she had my dad and lived til she was 90. So many women had babies later in life, certainly here anyway, MIL was the last of 8 and her mother was 41 when she was born and she's 94 and still with us.

I was first out if my friends and was 28. 32 with my second and most friends have had kids now. Never felt too young to have kids by anyone on here

I got pregnant at 31 and 34 because it was right for me! Why compare yourself to other people?
And in any case, I know so many people who have had fertility issues, I felt very blessed to have two healthy children.

Friend really wanted another child, she and her Dh are fit and healthy They have a good income and she looked way younger than half the mums at the school gate and was probably healthier and fitter than nearly all of them.
The healthier and fitter part is probably not true.

Many 40 y.o believe they're healthier and fitter because they look good.

My friends were aghast when I disagreed 40 is the new 30.

Leaving it late is also ruling out DGP relationships for the DC and when they're adults if they also choose to wait until 40 they're DC will miss out on the relationship too.

Despite what people might believe there's very few 80's helping with the school run or kicking a ball with DGC.

Some people don't have the choice though. I suffered infertility all through my 30s, failed ivf etc. Then just as I was turning 39 I found myself pregnant. Ideally I would have been younger, I'd love to have had my daughter in my early 30s but I couldn't. These threads make women like me feel like shit. Though my mother was 37 when I was born and she's 77 and goes jogging and teaches yoga but I do worry she's the exception. Im hoping though I at least have good genes on my side. My grandmother was 40 when she had my dad and lived til 90 without any major health issues.

I definitely don't feel like a lab puppy, I'm fucking knackered.

So there should be a fitness test for parenting?

I’m guessing a fuck ton of judgement is also piled on to disabled parents. I know this does happen but it makes me very sad.

’Despite what people might believe there's very few 80's helping with the school run or kicking a ball with DGC.’

My parents worked full time until they were in their mid 60s. They wouldn’t have been able to do any school runs!

Sorry should qualify that I am sad for anyone who has people judging and pointing their fingers at their choices.