Husband wants to take time off to meet my friend.....it this reasonable?

[Suzi69]

Me and my husband have a couple of what I thought were really good old friends. We've been on holiday with them and their kids when the children were younger, and all enjoyed it.
Last holiday though, pre-covid, I wasn't so happy as I felt DH was paying my female friend a lot of attention; I felt a little put out and excluded.
Fast forward a few years and my friend comes to stay the night about once a year; she lives about 5 hours from my house but she makes a bit of a detour on the way back from visiting her parents; I think she goes about an hour and a half out of her way.
This was nice the first couple of times she did it but I noticed that she was eager to check if DH was there first; he wasn't as he travels a lot. So last time he was at home and oh my goodness she was extremely pleased to see him; positioned herself so she was only facing him while chatting, thus excluding me, asked very in-depth questions about how he's been the last couple of years; I felt quite uncomfortable about it, it was too personal and I was not really a part of a lot of it.

Now she plans to come again in a couple of months and DH is contemplating taking a days holiday while she's here!
I feel quite angry about this as I feel that any holiday he plans to take should be spent with me and our children. I feel as if he's poaching my friend. I'm also suspicious about the relationship; it's platonic and he obviously gets on with her but is it really reasonable for my husband to take a days vacation to be with my friend? ( and me, admittedly).
I'm a bit uncertain as to whether I should just drop her as a friend; I don't really want to do this as we've been friends for more than then years. But I don't like the way she's behaving.
I'd appreciate your thoughts before I speak to him.

Just realised me example above is completely different. There's no way on hell myself or my friend's husband would have every taken a day off work to see each other. No way and yes, it would be weird if we did.

Sounds like they like each other as friends and you're jealous. You seem a little possessive. I think that's perhaps natural when two people know each other through you but seem happy to get along with each other without your involvement. They've done nothing wrong though.

If there's nothing more to it than you've written here, yabu.

I'm in the minority here - I'm a bit surprised at the replies.

Your friend and DH get on really well, she's only around once a year and so he'd like to make sure he's around to see her?

I have a wonderful friend, who is married to a wonderful man. Me and friend's DH have tons of interests in common and have loooong geeky conversations about one or two of these things.

It's always great when he's around as well as my friend - I enjoy his company so much. It's both separate and entirely entwined with my love for my friend.

We're all very happily married - my DH is excellent friends with both of them as well.

We don't fancy each other, we have never flirted - I don't flirt at all, ever and never seen him do it either - he's a friend, and me and DH feel absolutely blessed with both of them.

This isn't quite the situation you describe, but I'm just chucking it out there, as it seems still have some relevance. In fact, friendships between friends and partners in my circle is really not unusual at all and definitely not suspicious.

So I guess it sounds like both of them might be culpable. In which case both ought to be penalised. If neither is innocent.

Please understand she is NOT your long standing friend! Friends don’t openly and disrespectfully flirt with your husband, if you go to bed and leave them alone with a few drinks they will 100% cheat! I’d drop her like a brick she will absolutely know why.

I’m afraid that if a man makes friends with a woman, it is extremely unlikely to be platonic - in his mind at least. And by the way your friend treated you, it isn’t one-sided.

I have several male friends and they never give up hope of something more. Often the ask for ‘friends with benefits’ to which I say that wouldn’t benefit me in any way!

Get rid!! She wouldn’t be staying at mine if I was u x

I actually wouldn't mention to DH as I would worry it risks fuelling the attraction. As it stands you are aware of an inappropriate attraction between them - that is enough grounds to cease inviting her into your home and the mere act of doing so will be enough to show both parties that you are well aware of the inappropriate nature of their interactions and where your boundaries lie. By not addressing it explicitly however you allow all parties to save face and with the minimum of embarrassment when you all inevitably see each other again at functions etc. If you call him out on it now you are making something that at the moment is imaginary into a real thing - it is an invitation for him to deny and minimise and rail against you for being controlling and jealous, all of which raises the seriousness of his infraction, and by acknowledging the attraction between them in that way I worry you could actually fuel it

You're overthinking. Just tell him that there is absolutely no need for him to take a day off. It will be your time with her. Plan to go out and gave a girlie day. Lunch, maybe nails, a bit of shopping etc. Are there any other friends from your 'school gate' days that you might be able to invite along so that he will get the message that he is not welcome.

This, I also wouldn't mention it to DH.

If he feels he's being cut off from her, he may seek her out on social media etc and try to force his way back to her in some form as some way to 'get back at you'.

Tread very very carefully. This has a flame burning under it. Don't stoke the fire.

Just be breezy and say her husband is taking her on a wonderful romantic holiday and they're thinking of renewing their vows. Something to take the wind out of his sails.

Isn’t this just politeness?

If I’m with DH and one of his friends, out of politeness (and also because he’s rubbish at it) I show a lot of interest in them and their life. I do it with anyone who I think might be outside of the group dynamic by nature of their relationship with the other people there

Good god, woman, get a grip. She liked you but has clicked with your husband as friends. There’s plenty of people where I’ve ended up getting on with their partners, male or female, better than with them.

You’re sure it’s platonic so your nose is out of joint that she likes him better than you, basically. And that he likes her.

That doesn’t mean your husband likes her better than you, it‘s just they’re well suited to be friends.

I wouldn’t waste the time worrying about it, let them develop their friendship and grow your own with her in the meantime too. Otherwise it’s just unnecessary draaaama!

What makes you think she's a "very good friend" OP?
Very good friends don't act disappointed if your husband is not around, don't deliberately plonk themselves in front of him, & don't monopolise the conversation while excluding you to focus entirely on your H.

It doesn't matter whether you think she "understands" or not.
If she doesn't understand, she's thick, lacking in empathy & self-centred.
If she does understand (& is therefore poaching your H's attention while taking you for granted/dismissing you) - she's all those things & worse.

Have you asked DH why he wants a day off to see this woman, instead of booking one to spend exclusively with you/the DC? I think he's just flattered & enjoys the feeling of being chatted up - annoying for you, but no need to castigate him for it. How would you feel about asking him to book a day off to spend exclusively with you, so you can give each other the kind of focus he's enjoyed from this woman - the kind that busy parents often lose out on?

She wasn't just being polite; she's overstepped some boundaries in wanting to know every minute detail of his life and excluding me.
Yeah - not a good friend.

She did talk to me until DH came back from work. Then she didn’t really talk to me at all so in total she spent much more time talking to DH.
I had also had difficult times since her last visit which she knew about by a brief text message. But she didn’t ask about it; I was almost completely ignored once DH came on the scene.
In fact - not much a friend at all really, is she?

@Suzi69

I’m so sorry Op this isn’t normal no matter what the other mumsnetters say
She is a dangerous woman to keep in your marriage, get rid of her now !

If hubby doesn’t agree, you need to handle this too because you are his wife and your feelings should be his number 1 priority.

I agree.

I am finding your friend's behaviour more disturbing than your DH wanting to take time off when she is here (and I use the word 'friend' loosely). She isn't even hiding that she is giving him extra attention, etc. If this is as it looks, she is no friend and I'd be cancelling her visit. To be honest, I would also be rethinking the entire friendship.

As for your DH, that sounds off to be so willing to take a day off for her visit, however I think there is every chance he thought it might be nice. You need to speak to him, and be as open and honest about how you are feeling about this.

Random thought, could there be any other motive for her wanting to see your DH and giving him all the attention? Is his job in an area she might be wanting to get into and she is being all over him and wanting to see him to either find out stuff or get her foot in the door? Totally random thought I know, but I just wondered if there could be another motive except what we are all thinking.

Not RTFT but red flags are waving..

Has your friend read Dale Carnegie how to win friends and influence people, as this seems almost textbook psychology.

Are you different perspectives because you don't need to put as much effort with your dh as your friend does ?

They are. About a wife who wants to control who her husband can talk to!

I think some of what the OP describes is dodgy, but I was at this statement -
She made it very clear she's very interested in his life; I don't expect anyone to be like that other than me or his mum; I feel threatened by it.
Why on Earth wouldn't a close friend - or even just someone being polite! - ask for details about the life of someone who's a good friend, rarely seen in person?

They don't have to be having an affair for OP to be justified in feeling uncomfortable with the direction their relationship seems to be headed. She feels disrespected by both of them and threatened by her friend's blatant flirtation.

Let's say OP is of a jealous nature (though she says this has never been a problem for her before). So what? People can be jealous from time to time. A loving spouse will accept the rare jealousy. It's not that big of a deal, from his perspective, just a friend he sees rather rarely. Not as though she's saying he can't see his lifelong best friend. If OP isn't happy with the way this friendship is going, she's entitled to put an end to it and explain to her husband why she's unhappy. It's just a friendship (so far). He has other friends and will get over the loss of this one.

There's trouble. I wouldn't keep her on for a moment.

Sounds like a Platonic friendship I would be pissed off because he can make you feel put out because you are his wife and she’s your friend in fact she is his friend to and he is allowed female friends no? I think it’s a bit drastic for him to take the day off As leave for her, But he is spending time with you there as well he probably just really enjoys her company And as you said the relationship is platonic ask him what he take a day off to spend time with you? I will chat to him about this without jumping to conclusions
If they are making you feel left out in the conversations and maybe it’s an insecurity on your part or Maybe they should include you more Hard to know because we were not there to see the conversations

@Oliverfunyuns It will be quite abusive of her part to tell him to not be friends with her anymore
thats just controlling behaviour
she should tell him how all this is making her feel
sounds like OP has some insecurities, OP stated nobody should be interested in his life other than her and his mother

errrr imagine her husband had said that about OP You would all be screaming emotional abuse
OP it’s okay to feel threatened and jealous but u need to let him know how u feel
As for her position in herself so she is facing him how do you know she did that and it wasn’t just where she was sitting?
Maybe suggest that you and her go out for the day instead and she come by in the evening to say hi To your husband before she leaves?

This