Husband wants to take time off to meet my friend.....it this reasonable?

[Suzi69]

Me and my husband have a couple of what I thought were really good old friends. We've been on holiday with them and their kids when the children were younger, and all enjoyed it.
Last holiday though, pre-covid, I wasn't so happy as I felt DH was paying my female friend a lot of attention; I felt a little put out and excluded.
Fast forward a few years and my friend comes to stay the night about once a year; she lives about 5 hours from my house but she makes a bit of a detour on the way back from visiting her parents; I think she goes about an hour and a half out of her way.
This was nice the first couple of times she did it but I noticed that she was eager to check if DH was there first; he wasn't as he travels a lot. So last time he was at home and oh my goodness she was extremely pleased to see him; positioned herself so she was only facing him while chatting, thus excluding me, asked very in-depth questions about how he's been the last couple of years; I felt quite uncomfortable about it, it was too personal and I was not really a part of a lot of it.

Now she plans to come again in a couple of months and DH is contemplating taking a days holiday while she's here!
I feel quite angry about this as I feel that any holiday he plans to take should be spent with me and our children. I feel as if he's poaching my friend. I'm also suspicious about the relationship; it's platonic and he obviously gets on with her but is it really reasonable for my husband to take a days vacation to be with my friend? ( and me, admittedly).
I'm a bit uncertain as to whether I should just drop her as a friend; I don't really want to do this as we've been friends for more than then years. But I don't like the way she's behaving.
I'd appreciate your thoughts before I speak to him.

I don't think it's abusive to tell your spouse one time in 20 years that you're unhappy about the way they're behaving towards someone. Yes, I'd expect my husband to agree to stop seeing someone if it bothered me. I'd do the same for him. If it's all the time, that's different. This, in my view, is not abusive or controlling. It's about respecting your spouse and caring for how they feel.

Just no. Way too much effort for a platonic friend. Taking a day off?? Is she THAT important to him?

She knows what she's doing... don't allow anyone into your life/home who gets this excited about your husband!

Seconded.

The idea that men can never have a platonic female friend without 'something going on' or the man WANTING something to 'go on' is bizarre and reductive in the extreme.

We have friend groups, men and women. It's civilised. In our circle, it's normal. No one's flirting or acting inappropriately - we're just...friends.

It sounds like half of MN live in a Carry On film.

Excellent advice in my opinion.

"felt a little put out and excluded."

All I can say is that my very much beloved late DH would have picked up on my feelings if I'd felt as you did, and immediately backed off from talking to the friend - an excuse like needing to take the dog out; help a neighbour with a project - anything to make a low key disappearance but reassure me that HE wasn't interested.

Your husband is either thick as mince or utterly insensitive not to have noticed your hurt and discomfort. Or - returns the interest 100%. Given that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it probably IS a duck, in your position I'd not only cut contact with your "friend" but also see a solicitor about what your financial and property position would be if you want a divorce in the near future.

Unless you're a very insecure person - and nothing you've said indicates that - your feelings of exclusion are better described as "my awareness of being excluded".

I don't know if you can forgive your husband for his lack of loyalty even if he hasn't had an affair yet. I'm not convinced that I could, not after being humiliated in my own home by the way the pair of them are behaving. I'd never respect the man again. And if I didn't respect him, our sex life would be dead in the water. But only you can decide on that sort of stuff.

You're both missing the point entirely. The OP didn't have a problem with friend and husband - until they started acting inappropriately. Which has fuck all to do with platonic friendship.

". In our circle, it's normal. No one's flirting or acting inappropriately - we're just...friends." which is very nice, and congratulations. But that's not the case re. the OP's situation, so maybe quit the "holier (and so much cooler) than thou" judgements.

If you don't enjoy her visits, there is no reason to have her there again. It's that simple.

Trust your gut instincts, OP - they’re there for a reason. Don’t doubt yourself. I would just say that it’s no longer convenient on that date and try to stay evasive as to why. Tell your husband that she cancelled. Good luck!

My DH had a crush on one of my friends. It was painfully obvious to me, but I'm pretty sure she was completely oblivious to it. We had words, he stopped immediately (I'm not even sure he had noticed his own behaviour) and we are all still friends. It doesn't have to end badly - I'm sure once you make your DH aware of how uncomfortable you feel he will make sure that situation doesn't happen again.

OP, I’ll bet you a steak dinner there’s something amiss here, at the very least some interesting phone messages between them.

It's a discussion thread, and I've put my experience to give balance, as it's a different opinion to many on the thread.

Your response is typical MN at the moment. Immediately rude, trying to offend, name calling etc.

Great social skills. Anyone with a different opinion, just tell 'em to fuck off, eh?

Jesus.

It would annoy me that my DH is trying to worm in on my friends and I’d find him very controlling to want to take time off just because my friend was coming around.

Is he like this with other friends?

What is he like if you went out in the evening with friends?

I would be telling him straight that there’s no way he’s having time off when it’s a chance for you and your friend to catch up.

The fact that you didn’t immediately say this is also concerning.

You are over thinking that they fancy each other - if he works away a lot there is nothing stopping them from meeting up on their own accord.

Pp wasn't judging a thing. Stop censoring opinions - it always stops any meaningful convo.

Your reply was immature and pointlessly pissy

Suzi, this woman is not a friend of your marriage. She doesn’t respect you or your marriage, and needs to be cut off.

She and your H are clearly intrigued with each other and enjoy a connection that is not platonic. They marginalized you, and pursued their mutual gratification right in front of you. Were they ever alone during her last visit? If so, I would assume they continued to indulge their crush.

Nip this pronto, Suzi. Cancel the visit. Speak to H about your extreme discomfort from witnessing their cozy validation bubble. He has much to lose if he doesn’t tighten up his boundaries in the face of flattery/temptation.

Men and women are not friends. I wouldn't say never, but close enough.

I completely disagree.

I have many male friends and we are not attracted to each other at all, we just have things in common and get on.

What the actual chuff?! This isn't about whether you're being unreasonable feeling miffed your husband wants to sacrifice a day off to spend it with her, but why on earth you'd ever let rude tone-deaf woman in your house again. Tell her you're both busy when she has plans to visit. Why on earth would you want to see her again?

Men and women are not friends. I wouldn't say never, but close enough.

That might be your opinion but that doesn't make it fact! I have a couple of male friends who I meet up with for lunch or dinner out. I've known them for years. No attraction. At all!! It's never been a problem for my relationship. My husband's welcome to come if he wants and occasionally does. Just like I'm happy to see my friends' partners.

Absolute rubbish. Some of my closest and longest standing friends are men and never ever would we go beyond that.

I feel sorry for people who choose friends based on what’s in their pants, rather than by personality.

So I've read the thread and various responses from the OP

1. You and DH have been friends for many years with this couple and gone on holiday with them with no issues previously

1. You and she stay in touch on phone/text etc so fairly invested in each others lives.

1. Her parents live nearby so although she has moved away so you don't see her DH and children, she makes the effort to pop in to see you all in person (your DC too?)

1. On the last occasion she visited she had not seen you or your DH In person for 2-3 years.

1. Unless I'm missing something this was some time ago but you haven't raised anything with DH or friend about the behaviour you observed on the night but have continued your friendship?

1. Friend spent time with you and when DH arrived back from work she had innocuous conversations with him to catch up with what had been occurring in his life first hand rather than via you?

1. During this last visit you didn't think she should be asking these type of questions firstly as no one should ask him other than you or your mum. And then said she was openly flirting (despite turning her back on you) don't see how she could be doing both at the same time.

A couple of questions to clarify please:
How long did this conversation go on with your DH and friend?

What are the plans when your friend comes on her visit? Ie how long would she normally stay or is there something special going on?

Do you trust DH normally as you say he works away a lot, so have you ever had cause to doubt him ??

This is exactly right; me and DH have been friends with my friend and her DH for many years and everything was great until relatively recently when the relationship between DH and my friend somehow changed to be one which I'm not comfortable with.
Me and DH often socialise in mixed groups, men and women, and yes that's completely civilized and feels normal. This is different. The body language and level of interest coming from my friend is not something I've really seen before and goes beyond what I'd consider a normal friendship.

How is your experience relevant to the OP's? If you bothered to RTFT you would understand that your situation has absolutely nothing in common with hers.

It's more like what your opinion is nor relevant to the OPs situation hence your "opinion" comes off as unhelpful and judgmental IMO.

On the last occasion she visited she had not seen you or your DH In person for 2-3 years.

No, on previous visits DH wasn't there, so that was first time seeing her in 3 years

*his first time