Husband wants to take time off to meet my friend.....it this reasonable?

[Suzi69]

Me and my husband have a couple of what I thought were really good old friends. We've been on holiday with them and their kids when the children were younger, and all enjoyed it.
Last holiday though, pre-covid, I wasn't so happy as I felt DH was paying my female friend a lot of attention; I felt a little put out and excluded.
Fast forward a few years and my friend comes to stay the night about once a year; she lives about 5 hours from my house but she makes a bit of a detour on the way back from visiting her parents; I think she goes about an hour and a half out of her way.
This was nice the first couple of times she did it but I noticed that she was eager to check if DH was there first; he wasn't as he travels a lot. So last time he was at home and oh my goodness she was extremely pleased to see him; positioned herself so she was only facing him while chatting, thus excluding me, asked very in-depth questions about how he's been the last couple of years; I felt quite uncomfortable about it, it was too personal and I was not really a part of a lot of it.

Now she plans to come again in a couple of months and DH is contemplating taking a days holiday while she's here!
I feel quite angry about this as I feel that any holiday he plans to take should be spent with me and our children. I feel as if he's poaching my friend. I'm also suspicious about the relationship; it's platonic and he obviously gets on with her but is it really reasonable for my husband to take a days vacation to be with my friend? ( and me, admittedly).
I'm a bit uncertain as to whether I should just drop her as a friend; I don't really want to do this as we've been friends for more than then years. But I don't like the way she's behaving.
I'd appreciate your thoughts before I speak to him.

Me and DH often socialise in mixed groups, men and women, and yes that's completely civilized and feels normal. This is different. The body language and level of interest coming from my friend is not something I've really seen before and goes beyond what I'd consider a normal friendship.

As I said earlier, nip this in the bud, if you’re not happy then it’s not right

Right then. I literally added to my "opinion" (the inverted commas 🙄): This isn't quite the situation you describe, but I'm just chucking it out there, as it seems still have some relevance Basically, normal stuff.

You didn't find it helpful? Cool. But do you lash out and act like that every time you don't find a post helpful? Because that's a bit daft on an anonymous chat forum.

And judgemental? Go on. Tell me where I was judgemental. Tell me where I judged the OP.

I didn't lash out at anyone, merely shared my opinion just like you and FWIW I was referring more to this:
"The idea that men can never have a platonic female friend without 'something going on' or the man WANTING something to 'go on' is bizarre and reductive in the extreme."

This IS judgmental and deliberately misstating the situation, as OP has described it. It's truly wonderful you and your friend group are perfectly lovely and well behaved but that has nothing to do with what OP's situation.

When you say you socialise in mixed groups do you or your DH have any social events without each other with someone from the opposite sex? If you think men and women can't do that then I think that would make you think this is wrong even if it is normal. My DH didn't think anything of me hanging out with a friend's husband as I wouldn't him but some of DH's friends thought this man had ulterior motives when DH was chatting and joking about it with his friends at a party. Perhaps he would've felt more off about it if he felt threatened but I think he secretly didn't as DH is classically handsome and has a better job, he would never-say- this but probably secretly thought it. As it happens I think DH'S friends were right in the end about him but I am fairly good friends with men at work as my job has traditionally more men so I'm unsure about this instinct theory. Surely it is more

Context, if you are not used to male friends you will not feel comfortable about any woman beiin friends wiith your DH.

Name-calling? Maybe that's standard discussion for you, but it's not to me.

The quote that you cite was replying in patently general terms to another poster. It didn't refer to the OP, or any individual poster.

Also, that quote refers to an idea, an abstract. It was disagreement. There is literally no shadow of judgement in there.

We clearly hold different opinions. I'm absolutely fine with that. You have now called me names and called me judgemental (still waiting for you to point out where I judge someone), simply because I think men and women can be friends and you don't.

Basically, no idea what your problem is but I suggest we leave it there. Have a pleasant evening.

Um I am pretty sure I called your statement judgmental, not you specifically. I have also never stated that men and women can never be friends, you seem to be confused.

Oh ffs. Confused

Go on - what statement was judgemental then? Quote this judgemental statement right back at me.

THIS.

I have male friends so I am always fine with partner having female friends. I know it works. The OP however is having a "huff" (intuition?) that something, just something is not feeling "quite right" lately with that friendship and that is very respectable. I believe the balanced option (if I were in her shoes) would be to sit with hubby and calmly let him know that she feels this woman is coming out at him and that makes her feel uncomfortable and insecure. No drama, just plain simple being vulnerable couple talk. He absolutely needs to know this. If he dismisses and continues business as usual he's an asshole, if he doesn't and tries to do something about it that means he cares about his wife.

(I am understanding by the OP's updates that this woman is getting too close, too fascinated and intense with hubby and I can see why she wants to draw a line)

Do you love in a nunnery? A women-only commune? Do you imagine that because YOU are not able to countenance having male friends, that the same goes for 4 billion other females?

How about taking the blinkers off, & realising that your narrow experience is not universal?

OP how would you say your DH receives your DF attentions?
It's one thing your DF seemly drooling over your DH, which in my opinion is wrong and incredibly rude, but how does he behave by way of return?

I’d always gotten on well with a close friend’s husband. Most of the time I went over I was part of a couple or he wasn’t there. We would stay up chatting sometimes and he seemed to like me but just as friends I thought. The last time I went I was single and we stayed up chatting. He came onto me.

I'm pretty sure he's getting an ego boost and feels quite flattered or smitten by all her attention which is a pretty common human thing and doesn't necessarily make him "bad" but it's making the OP uncomfortable.

WTF is glog banting?!

I don’t find the type of questions she was asking weird. It sounds like they are also friends and therefore a completely normal interaction. I have friends that are couples in which I get on equally well with the husband. I think you need to chill out.

He was not a friend, he was just a guy wanting to get in your pants while he chatted you.You need to choose your friends more wisely.

🤣

Trust your gut xx

I'm going against the grain here - because I don't think this would bother me - of course your husband is allowed to have friendships with women.

They were catching up as she hadn't seen him for a while and they get on, she had seen you more recently and had the chance to do this with you already.

If he was male and your husband wanted to take time off work would it bother you?

I'm more curious about your seeming entitlement to dictate who you feel your husband is allowed to be friends with.

If you're jealous address that not your husbands friendships.

It's biology. Men are biologically driven to want to bed women. I'm not saying every time a man speaks to a woman he wants to jump her, but in the aggregate, there's sexual desire running in the background. Perhaps on a very low flame, but it's there.

Yeah, it really isn't. I can assure you my friends are not thinking of bedding me. 😂😂

I’m aware that they’re friends and were catching up; I suppose this is the central issue. That sounds fine and very reasonable and I don’t want to dictate who his friends are; I’m really not like that.
But in all our years of marriage he’s never taken a holiday to see any other friends. I can’t imagine him wanting to do this to see my friend’s husband for example. This puts her in a very special situation; she’s not any old friend.
And secondly, as I’ve said, last time they met their manner of talking and her body language was not just of friends catching up. It has been useful to me to think of the way in which the last catch up would have been different had it been her husband there. Her husband for example would not have excluded me for large parts of the conversation because obviously that’s rude. He wouldn’t have been hanging on my husbands every word, blushing sometimes. He wouldn’t have questioned my husband intensely over minute details of his job and activities because I don’t think he’d have been interested enough to do that; although they are very good friends and he’d have asked about those things in a normal friendly way. She has an overwhelming, very intense interest in what Dh has been doing; far more than in what I’ve been doing. I’m talking hundreds of questions, some of which I didn’t think were any of her business.
Yes I am jealous and a little angry because I think there’s cause to be .

Do the two of them have any direct contact with each other usually?

If you have a gut feeling you should follow it but I would be wise about it.
Can you see messages on your husband's phone? I'm not saying pry but it depends on your relationship eg if your husband is fine with you looking. If there is anything untoward then it will confirm your suspicion. Eg if they are texting beyond limits, and you don't know this but go and say to him you dislike her being overly friendly and don't want her to visit, he may resort to their chats and work behind your back.
If they aren't over the top friendly via texting and it's just when she comes to see you, then you know that your DH is being pulled and he's falling for it. You can put a stop to this by telling him how you feel or, I think is a really good suggestion by someone earlier which is to act normal to DH and cancel the visit and if he ever asks, just say you drifted apart.
One thing I've noticed with some women is that they feel they owe years of friendship to the person being disloyal to them by allowing them to come and trash their life just because they're an old friend. No. Friendships change. Overstepping boundaries means putting an end to it. Save yourself the misery.
I'd suggest taking these steps because if there really isn't anything going on then you won't look silly by if there is, you can make a decision to either leave your DH because he is taking you for a mug, work on your relationship and cut off the so called friend, or continue as is with boundaries.

I'm not sure why people call you names for seeing things with clear eyes. Even if eg I had a friend and we socialised as couples, however I talk to my friend all the time but not so much her DH and he came by. No way would be sitting there gushing there and running his fingers through his hair brushing it back and only focusing on me even if he had a catch up with DH earlier. It would be a 3 way conversation to respect everyone in the room, even if it was focused more on me and what I've been getting up to.

You aren't paranoid. It's basic respect. When you turn the tables it looks so odd for a friend's DH to be doing that so why does it give some women a pass to be like that?

Just move on from her and don't make a big deal of it at all. Seems the best way to go.

Also yes it is weird that precious holiday time he wants to use on her. What, for you to sit on the side and be ignored?

If you want peace of mind, find out what is their text/phone contact like? If nothing then the rest is easy. Pretend the friendship has fizzled out and move on. Make plans for when you expect her to be passing by or staying over. Don't allow yourself to be disrespected. Your DH also needs to learn his own boundaries. He should have felt uncomfortable and taken a few steps back and included you in the conversation. If three female friends were meeting up and 2 had spent the day together and talked on the phone all year, it doesn't give a pass to exclude one of them when the third friend with less contact comes along does it? It's as basic as that and nothing to do with your friend being female and your DH a male even. That's just basic respect.

No they don’t; although I’m sure they’d love to! It would be a very big thing for one of them to initiate that as historically she was my friend; they wouldn’t have had cause to contact each other and DH isn’t sneaky.

I’m not suspecting a physical affair but the potential for an emotional affair is clearly there. In wanting to use up holiday DH is already showing how important she is to him.