Husband wants to take time off to meet my friend.....it this reasonable?

[Suzi69]

Me and my husband have a couple of what I thought were really good old friends. We've been on holiday with them and their kids when the children were younger, and all enjoyed it.
Last holiday though, pre-covid, I wasn't so happy as I felt DH was paying my female friend a lot of attention; I felt a little put out and excluded.
Fast forward a few years and my friend comes to stay the night about once a year; she lives about 5 hours from my house but she makes a bit of a detour on the way back from visiting her parents; I think she goes about an hour and a half out of her way.
This was nice the first couple of times she did it but I noticed that she was eager to check if DH was there first; he wasn't as he travels a lot. So last time he was at home and oh my goodness she was extremely pleased to see him; positioned herself so she was only facing him while chatting, thus excluding me, asked very in-depth questions about how he's been the last couple of years; I felt quite uncomfortable about it, it was too personal and I was not really a part of a lot of it.

Now she plans to come again in a couple of months and DH is contemplating taking a days holiday while she's here!
I feel quite angry about this as I feel that any holiday he plans to take should be spent with me and our children. I feel as if he's poaching my friend. I'm also suspicious about the relationship; it's platonic and he obviously gets on with her but is it really reasonable for my husband to take a days vacation to be with my friend? ( and me, admittedly).
I'm a bit uncertain as to whether I should just drop her as a friend; I don't really want to do this as we've been friends for more than then years. But I don't like the way she's behaving.
I'd appreciate your thoughts before I speak to him.

To me, this is a conversation you have with you husband. Why is he so excited to see her? Does he see her as more than a friend? Does he understand how his interest in her makes you feel? Etc

If you’re sure he’s not having an affair then I can’t see why this won’t be resolved in a quick conversation. He enjoys the company of his friends and wanted to book the day off to relax with friends, he didn’t realise that your feelings were hurt, he reassures you.

Are you still referring to my post or have you meandered off the path with more made up stuff - because I can recall 50% of posters saying they ‘wouldn’t let’ their DH take the day off.

To me, this is a conversation you have with you husband. Why is he so excited to see her? Does he see her as more than a friend?

Pretty sure he's not going to say 'yes' to the second question!

Agree with PP this is a you problem. If she’s a long-standing friend of 20 years why wouldn’t your DH be interested in her and she him? If you think asking questions about his work crosses a boundary you have some some pretty extreme boundaries.

*can’t recall

Op it does sound dodgy I agree. When are u planning to speak with him about it?

TALK TO YOUR HUBBY. TELL HIM HOW YOU REALLY FEEL AND DO NOT HOLD BACK.

My best friends husband takes leave when I and my children visit. We have all known each other for years and years. I meet up with friend alone as well, but I enjoy the company of them as a couple too, and they seem to like spending time with me as a couple it seems. Definitely nothing going on! But also me and her husband would never exclude her from conversation.

Trust your instincts OP - I think this needs nipping in the bud

She did talk to me until DH came back from work. Then she didn’t really talk to me at all so in total she spent much more time talking to DH.
I had also had difficult times since her last visit which she knew about by a brief text message. But she didn’t ask about it; I was almost completely ignored once DH came on the scene.

"She wasn't just being polite; she's overstepped some boundaries in wanting to know every minute detail of his life and excluding me.

I'm pretty sure that he will be bothered if I decide she's not coming to my house again. And that bothers me."

"I felt as if she was very cheeky though; there was a real sense of entitlement over DH; that she had every right to know about every bit of his life. And she was very sympathetic over a couple of difficult positions my husband has been in; "Oh that was so tough for you, I'm so sorry sort of thing."Too close for my comfort."

Genuinely OP, your last few updates make you seem a bit controlling and OTT. Saying only you and his mother should be asking about his life? She hardly sounds like a stranger, you've said she's considered a family friend! Of course she's sympathetic about tough situations, that's what friends do?

Tbh I'd be bothered if my DH randomly cut off a friend of 20+ years with zero explaining, or some half baked idea about a potential affair. I'd be worried about him acting so strangely tbh.

I feel quite angry about this as I feel that any holiday he plans to take should be spent with me and our children. I feel as if he's poaching my friend

First post

I'm not convinced that this isn't any more than jealousy.

You've stated that your annoyed with him you feel he is poaching your friend and you are annoyed with her because you think she's giving him too much attention.

I have a friend whose husband I get on incredibly well with due to the fact we work in the same industry and have another mutual interest. I have never ever flirted with him nor him me. I never realised it was an issue until one night when she was tipsy she asked me if she thought me & her husband were better suited than her & him. It wasn't until that moment that I realised our friendship was an issue for her. I pulled back immediately suggesting to meet her in neutral venues or her all to mine rather than me call to theirs. I do miss my chats with him but her friendship is more important. It may be innocent and it's just a friendship. Neither of them realise how you feel.

It's strange that you can't actually talk to your husband about this casual in terms of you feel like he's stolen your bestie etc. That you felt you were the third wheel last time and that you feel even further pushed out as he's taking time odd to meet her etc. Tell him you would prefer to meet her solo. Don't mention you think there's attraction or anything. His reaction will tell you a lot.

Trusting your gut (as others are suggesting) isn’t always the best approach if you already have trust issues, OP. That’s more like self-sabotage.

None of us can know exactly what it’s like to be around your friend and DH so maybe it really is inappropriate, but from your posts all I can gather is that she was polite and interested in your husband, turned her back on you once, and other than that…seems to be a really close, old friend to both of you, not just one of you? I just can’t quite see what there is to be worried about. My own husband would probably take a day off to hang out with the kind of friend you describe, too!

Exactly. They're gonna end up shagging. I'd leave them to it @Suzi69 Ditch his ass - AND hers. They are waaaaay too invested in each other.

it's platonic and he obviously gets on with her but is it really reasonable for my husband to take a days vacation to be with my friend? ( and me, admittedly).

This is the OPs AIBU.

Nothing to do with fidelity.

OP states repeatedly that there is nothing going on. She just thinks that only she or his mum could possibly have an interest

I think she's not getting enough attention/sex from her husband, and she's now focusing on other men to fill the void.

I have had 2 friends like this. One was going through a divorce and started flirting outrageously with my DH. Bending down to show cleavage, wearing a see thru nightie when she stayed over. I was young at the time and afraid to challenge it. Later on, I discovered that my "D"H had been trying to sleep with anything that moved, so I am now 99% sure they were shagging, but can't prove it. My other "friend" did the same, and I know for sure that they slept together, because he got drunk and fell asleep with his phone open, and I saw their messages discussing the sex.

I left him and now have a DH who would not behave so inappropriately.

So, my take on it, is to not trust her and listen to what your inner self is screaming at you. Cancel the visit, without hesitation.

I'd also be very wary of your DH intentions. If it isn't her, it could be anyone else, if he is that way inclined. Think about it : he knows how flirty she was the last time, and how uncomfortable that made you feel, and he is quite happy to put you through that again, by having her visit and by taking vacation time to see her. What he should be saying is "Don't have Sarah over again, she was really weird last time and it made us uncomfortable" or "Text me when she's gone so I know it's safe to come home".......

He clearly fancies her as much as she fancies him.

So you've been family friends for years and have holidayed together etc.

Your friend lives more than 5 hours away and visits your home once a year, taking a detour from her parents house?

I can't see why you'd be threatened tbh. It's not like they'd be swanning off without you.

Nevertheless, talk to your husband.

This. My husband starting putting lots of effort into what I thought was a joint friend. I ignored my gut feelings of how they were together. They were having an affair and we broke up due to it. She was obviously never my friend. Don't ignore your gut.

Why are you afraid to lose this person as a friend? You’ve painted her out to be a man eater!! Get rid

Friends just don't do this op. No way.

I get on extremely well with my friends's dhs, and love them as friends almost like a brothers - would I sit there and exclude their wives, my dear friends, during an evening together?? Not a chance! It is so disrespectful. Yes they might get on famously, but it is a very blurred boundary and one I wouldn't be happy to explore or let rip.

Ditch the friend quietly, staying in low contact with no meet ups and just see her at shared gatherings as and when.

I would also discuss with dh that the situation, it is totally unacceptable to booking/wasting annual leave to see her 😬

So much od the advice here is low level coercive control.

I have a few male friends, we see often and hang out as have lots of things in common. Nobody wants to shag nobody and we have no intention to take our friendship a “step further”. Some of them have wives who are totally fine with husband having me as mate. They know I’m no threat. It’s all very transparent, civilised.

This said I find your husband attitude of taking days off tad strange and too much. The fact he’s prioritising this woman over his job has me concerned.

How do you know they aren’t in contact behind your back OP?