Wedding guest drop outs

[MrMrsJones]

So we are 6 days from our wedding and have 5 people drop out.

Everytime someone says they aren't coming it costs us £85 plus the evening buffet cost pp

We didn't want two tier guests so everyone is invited to the whole day and evening.

Invited a year a go and invites sent out 6 months ago.

I feel like sending them an invoice.

AIBU, you don't drop out 6 days before the whole thing happens

It's horrible @MrMrsJones if someone is like a Dad to you but couldn't be bothered. The others can't be helped.

My friends ds was getting married last year and the government cut the numbers allowed attend weddings because of Covid. The couple had to disinvite 35 people.
They were so embarrassed.
DH and I were amongst those cut but we fully understood.

Also, I know with my depression/anxiety there can be times when I accept an invitation and really want to go, but when it does actually come down to it I can’t. So the one who said they can’t face it, it might be their health has taken a downturn with the fact they are now a carer

but it's bloody frustrating and a bit rude,

You've lost me here @MrMrsJones :
2 people ill, + one of them a partner to one of the ill people
1 person who can't get the time off.

And you think they're RUDE? You seriously think that someone should lose wages to attend your wedding???? Or that ill people should endanger their well-being/health to attend your wedding???

The thing is, your guests hadn't committed to an £80 per head event. That was your choice and sometimes, unfortunately, not everyone can attend your event. It's not their fault they're ill/have a job that won't allow the time off.

It's costing you what you've already paid and if you really were number crunching and couldn't have things you wanted, you could have invited less guests. People are flakey. Humans are human!

However, the "don't fancy it" person might be rude. Or, as you've said he's elderly, I would probably check in on him and make sure he's okay.

My husband has also decided to not go as it will cost him £200 for the hotel for the night, plus travel from the midlands to London (say another £60ish in petrol), plus drinks (£30-40?) and then some food on the following day.

And he’s only just realised this now????

Midweek wedding? Very common for people to drop out.

Well half of those are pathetic excuses. I hate people who drop out last minute for the flimsiest of reasons. A dinner I'd arranged went from 8 to three the morning of - one had an argument with her daughter so couldn't face it, one had her son come home from uni unexpectedly (so she couldn't spare a couple hours away from him? He doesn't live that far away and comes home every month), one felt a 'bit poorly'.
Frankly unless you're in the hospital or someone has died you honour your commitments.
The restaurant was furious (we did call and tell them) and said next time we booked they'd insist on a deposit.

🙄 Of course not. There was two of us splitting the cost.

its not costing you the £85, you would have paid that anyway? I understand what you’re saying, you still have to pay even though they’re not coming now but it’s not costing you more. Sometimes these things are unavoidable. Is your wedding midweek? 6 days from today is Tuesday, so that might be a reason why. They shouldn’t have accepted the invitation had they known they couldn’t come but people don’t always know that things might change 6 months ahead of time

People are being deliberately obtuse or very hard of thinking when they say 'iT's NoT cOsT yOu AnYtHiNg Op'. Quite clearly OP is aware that money is spent regardless of whether they come or not. The point is that she's now stuck spending a significant amount of money on wasted food/drink instead of on the people she invited to share her day. I'd love for those posters to pay for a £2000 dinner for twenty ahead of time, have half drop out and then be content because 'well, I already spent the £2000!'. So boring.

Totally understand your frustration and upset OP, that's quite a few people to drop out. Honestly, only once have I had to 'drop out' of a wedding invitation due to being in hospital, and I offered to pay for my meal so they weren't out of pocket. I think that's just basic manners. They didn't accept it but I'd have happily paid it, it's really rude to drop out and not offer when something like a wedding can cost so much per head.

Some people are so bloody flaky and unreliable honestly. Unless it's a genuine serious reason like a close relative has just died or they're struck down with something terrible I'd be really pissed off and reconsider the friendship. Unfortunately with big events like this I think you have to just assume you'll have an attrition rate and suck it up but you've every right to be annoyed/think differently of them.

That's shocking. Some people are just so disrespectful of other people's times. I don't put up with that nonsense in my close friendships honestly. Over time I've naturally graduated towards people who share my values around this stuff: if you say you're going to do something with someone, you bloody do it unless you absolutely can't. As a result when things do end up being pulled out of it's fine because you can trust that person and know them well enough over time to recognise it's genuinely out of character and must be serious. But friends who've been proven to be flaky/unreliable I've dropped like hot potatoes. It's just not how I treat people so I don't want it in return.

I understand your frustrations with this but,

I have to admit to agreeing with what someone said above, it is a midweek wedding, and it is pretty common for people to drop out.

Don't take it personally.

Did the 'back up' guests respond?

You've already chosen and paid for the catering. It's done. A few people can't come as expected, so all the more food and drinks for everyone else, or you can include some last minute guests. How lovely!

If you've spent more on the wedding than you wanted to - that was your choice. If you left people out to save money, rather than waiting, or cutting costs elsewhere - that too was your choice. Don't turn annoyance at your own choices into resentment at the guests who have cancelled.

Illness and a new job are legitimate reasons. The one who didn't fancy it is very rude.

I understand you are annoyed but I think you are being unreasonable if you expect unwell people to turn up, or someone to lose their new job for you.

Wishing you a wonderful day and a happy married life- this is just a minor blip in the scheme of things.

Not only was it extra money spent, but it meant that a couple of tables had loads of empty spaces at the meal, which made me feel sorry for the people who were there.

Poor wee guests, alone and adrift, glued to their seats, in fear of thwarting the bride's seating plan. If only they were adults with agency who could sit wherever they wanted to. Why are weddings so often devoid of intelligent thought, both in planning and execution?

How do the ill people know they're not going to be well in 6 days time!

So two have dropped out as not feeling very well.

How do they know they won't be fine in 6 days? That's a bit odd.

We had a few last minute drop outs. Several due to marital breakups in the week leading up to the wedding (so half of each couple came although one then brought their children instead so we actually gained a guest and luckily the caterers could accommodate).

The other was due to a broken leg the day before which meant they could no longer travel.

These things happen, sometimes annual leave gets cancelled or people get sick. I wouldn't be happy with someone not attending due to not feeling like it anymore though.

Of course they had committed to an eighty pound per head event because they committed to the event and that's how much it cost! They might not have known the exact amount but everyone knows how expensive weddings are - nobody invited as a full day guest with 2 meals included thinks it only costs a fiver per guest or that venues don't charge if you don't turn up!

The sickness excuse depends varies hugely on what was meant by "not feeling very well" and the person's usual health, the distance they have to travel etc. A healthy 30 year old who had a stomach bug would be weird to assume they wouldn't be fine a week later, an 80 year old in remission from cancer who'd have to make a long journey to the event and would be dependent on someone giving them a lift is understandable.

100% agree with @alwaysthebride....
Everyone saying you've already spent it - if you'd taken out 100 quid to buy something to treat yourself but it got stolen on your way to the shops you wouldn't be annoyed and would just say "ah well I'd taken the money out anyway."

Plus those saying it just means more food for everyone else - a) not 85 quids worth per person! As that covers everything, factors in seats at the wedding etc and b) maybe the venue would put out the same amount of food for the evening buffet (so those there can have more) but I've never seen them bring out the spare meals to the table. Same with wine for the toasts they fill the glasses of people who are there, and don't put out the extra bottles for those that aren't!

I don't get the posters saying it's a midweek wedding so to expect dropouts - the guests replied yes to that specific date, its not like they agreed to a Saturday wedding and it was suddenly changed last minute! If you don't think you can make a midweek wedding just don't say yes! Plus apart from the 1 person who is working none of the excuses op has been given thus far are related to the fact its midweek anyway!

I always think mid week weddings come off as a bit presumptuous to be honest - sorry but I have to say. Even more so if it involves a long drive/overnight stay so one or two days of annual leave are used up

We went to a midweek wedding a couple of years ago, and I honestly begrudged the demand on my precious holiday time. As it was family, it was pretty much expected that we had no problem with it - however during the reception there was one relative who was drunk and complained rather loudly about it - and a couple of others joined in....and i just quietly agreed - I would have never said

And we all know why people get married mid week, it is so they can save a few quid - but its at the expense of every single guest

Sorry I know that sounds grinch like, but when you work full time and get a standard annual leave entitlement, id rather be doing things that I actually want to do

I had 4 drop outs. Two were due to illness so that was fine. One decided she'd rather go to a baby shower, one was too scared to come alone 🙄

I think too, sometimes a wedding invite feels like a summons, it is hard to say NO to, if it is family and people can get totally wrapped up in it

I was a last minute addition to a wedding due to declines. My colleague was worried people would be offended to be invited late on. I was just delighted to join her wedding (evening only) it wasn't far from home for me (walkable!) and I had a fab evening, very happy for the bride and groom. The kind of people who would be offended aren't worth bothering about.

100% agree with @alwaysthebride....
Everyone saying you've already spent it - if you'd taken out 100 quid to buy something to treat yourself but it got stolen on your way to the shops you wouldn't be annoyed and would just say "ah well I'd taken the money out anyway."

Exactly, much better way of putting it!

I was invited to a friend’s evening do as she had limited space . The day before the wedding someone dropped out . I was delighted to be asked to replace them. Not in the least offended. After a mad panic to find an outfit I had a lovely day despite being sat with a table of people I didn’t really know .