To not understand why double barrel surnames are so wrong/bizarre to some people?

[CarsonViolet]

So I recently registered the birth of my first child and gave him a double barelled surname. His name layout is Daniel Eric (My surname) (DHs surname). (None of these are actually my son's name just an example!)

In laws were visiting yesterday and were having a look at his birth certificate and were disappointed to see the surname. We did tell them that my name would be in there but apparently they just assumed it was a middle name 🙄

Cue all the 'concerns' and old fashioned twaddle about "It's just nicer and easier" and "what happens when he marries someone with a double barrel name" blah blah blah.

Am I being silly to have assumed that this crap was dead? Sure people have their own opinions on what they would personally do but to tell other people off about it?

Wanted a rant more than anything tbh but I just find it so bizarre that women wanting to share a surname with the child they carried and birthed is still contentious to some people 🤔

This view has been repeated a few times on this and other similar threads. A woman has her father’s name in the same way as a man has his father’s name. Nobody has suggested that women don’t have their own names, it’s just an explaining where they came from.
Its true that traditional British surnames are patrilineal, but to extrapolate that women don’t own their own names, because you have failed to grasp the basic semantic process of the English language, is either disingenuous or stupid.

Nobody has suggested that women don’t have their own names.

A few pages back, a poster wrote:
My surname is just my dad's name. And his dad, and his grandads. The name doesn't belong to any females, like my mum or grandma.

How would you interpret the message here then, not to be stupid or disingenuous?

M my dh and I are both double barreled, this was both our choice on marriage, he is the last of his name line and I am the last of mine what our dds do with their surname is totally up to them, we have carried it and that was our choiceand it will be theirs (there will be no hard feelings on our part on what they decide.... dh and I discussed this when we chose our name)

I agree with palmfrond
Personally I didn’t change my surname (to the immense chagrin of MIL) but have zero problems with our DD taking her father’s name.
I also don’t care about double barrelling - each to their own - but think it’s faintly ridiculous to claim that this is a stance against the patriarchy

For me it is about family and giving children an identity and sense of belonging. Women are certainly still treated unfairly across the world but a child is part of two people. A child who was hopefully born out of love. A name is not more warranted because of who physically birthed the child, it's loved jointly into a family and a family name is important, not old fashioned or anti feminist. It is a part of culture and society and belonging. I love that my children have their fathers name because I love him and I chose to create a family with him.

I mean, doesn't your husband love you?

There's really nothing wrong with people wanting the whole family to share a surname and not double barrel but that doesnt mean that women who chose to do so are any less connected to their family. They just don't want to give up their name.for the sake of a patriarchal tradition.

There's no good reason why the men can't be the ones to give up their name. That's been an option for quite some time now and yet most still choose not to. I wonder why?

As an I.T. person that makes NO sense. You never have any way of guaranteeing with common names like John Smith that they won't be john.2 smith or john.smith 2 or -2. Ditto people that have same names as previous employees. You are supposed to avoid account re-use for security reasons. If you're in a workplace using Outlook, Active Directory you make double checking names a common practice. I have even mentioned colleagues who insist on their common name being the listed name but their email us their legal employee name. Tony but anthony.xxx or Roy Bloggs but their legal name is Anthony.Roy.Bloggs@.... If you're a small business you damn well check communications to see what the email address is or ask someone to confirm an email. Doing neither of these thing is just lazy and guaranteed to go wrong. And so that invalidates it's relevance to this topic blaming names instead of corner-cutting and lazy business practices.

child is part of two people.

so therefore, let's give them the man's name only?

I have double barrelled my surname. I wanted dhs surname and the same name as our kids but also in my family I am the last family member who will have this surname. We could have given it to our kids too but we just didn't want to. So I have kept it in my surname for now. We have very distant relatives on Australia so it's not going to completely die with me. My uncles didn't have children and my dad passed away and I was his only child. So here I am. Plus some very distant cousins from my grandads side who we have never met but know about. ( could also possibly turn out that we aren't related....) who knows! There's some confusing family history on my dads grandads side and we don't quite know where he cake from!

Also possible its not our Heritage surname due to my great grandfather being a bit strange and he may have changed it before meeting my great grandmother. Accept ko one knew much until he passed away at 80 years old and my great grandmother casually mentioned a few things... so I'm not sentimental about it. But a bit of respect to my family too

I kept my last name when I married the manshape, and ds actually has both surnames. The in-laws hate it. When they send cards to ds, they only put his father's part of the surname on the envelope, and when they send to me, they only use my first name! It's like they just can't bring themselves to accept that I, and ds have perfectly good names and fully intend to keep them. Manshape himself was a bit off about our son's last names, but as I pointed out, I carried, laboured and birthed him. I also invited Manshape to share my last name (from the look of horror on his face, you'd have thought I'd invited him to use dog crap as a facepack, but I guess he inherited that reaction from his parents 😂)
We are no longer possessions of our husband, so why should we and our children forgo the right to bear or name?

Double barrelled mine on marriage, worked my tits off under my maiden name in my industry locally for years and years so I am known for that in my trade and people actually search for me by name so, of course, when I married I was double barrelling it rather than losing my surname entirely (I am main earner, not that that matters to us, but for context). Equally my dad died before we could marry, although I am truly blessed that my father loved my (now) husband so didn’t want to lose the name. MIL double barrelled hers on marriage to my FIL too as hers is a well known name so they don’t think it’s ‘weird’. DH doesn’t give a monkeys and totally understands why I double barrelled. My mother thought it was a weird notion to start, but seems to have accepted it as she seems to be the only person with the issue 😂.

one of my BFFs had a child with her partner and double barrelled and it’s a lovely combination, but, pretty sure when her DD marries she will make a sensible decision she is happy with around her own surname.

is this really an issue?????

I have a doubled barrelled name because I am absolutely not comfortable giving up my name. Of course my name came from my father but here is where that stops. It is my name now. I don't really understand what the alternative is. Either take your husband's name or your father's. To me, the one I was born with is the one to go forward with. Where else do I get a name from?
I didn't think of it at the time but I would have liked to have a brand new name when we got married. My husband had an abusive father and so hated his name. But, in a move I don't really understand, his mother wanted to keep her husband's name when she left him. Maybe it is because they are quite posh but she was fairly insistent that I have her abusive husband's name. It has taken ten years for her to address things to me at my name. For the first few years I literally had no first name either. I was Mrs (Husband's name) (husband's second name). I could bear it.

I have a doubled barrelled name because I am absolutely not comfortable giving up my name. Of course my name came from my father but here is where that stops. It is my name now. I don't really understand what the alternative is. Either take your husband's name or your father's. To me, the one I was born with is the one to go forward with. Where else do I get a name from?

Well said.

Names are important and are a part of our identity. If they weren't important, men would happily give up theirs.

It was a big decision for me to take my husband's surname but has been simpler. My daughters have both taken their husband's surname as have their children which I am quite pleased about but had they not I would certainly not have said anything. It is just easier but everyone of course can do what they like. I do a lot of family tree work and research and I quite like that we maintain the tradition. Mmy surname isn't my mother's anyway - it's my father's so not necessarily anything more special than my married surname. My uncle and brother and great uncle all had the original surname of one of my great grandfather's as a middle or first name so someone was clearly keen to keep that surname going strong I suppose as a middle name back in those days.

Tell the in-laws that I'd they don't think a double barrelled surname is right, then you'd be happy to change it to just your surname.

That should shut them up!

I've never had an issue with having a double barrelled surname.

I genuinely don’t understand women changing their name on marriage. There’s no other life event which means you change your name. (Don’t come at me with PhDs - that’s a title change). A number of my friends were all ‘we want the same name’, then ended up divorced, so they are now in a situation where they want to go back to their own name, but their kids have the husband’s name. A massive mess.

i wasn’t able to have kids, but if I had, they would be double barrelled. I wouldn’t change my name, and, as we have a very unusual surname, I would have liked it to continue. My sister kept her own name, and their kids are double barrelled too.

I like the Norwegian/Icelandic approach, with the - Dottir & -son names. I’d be quite happy with that as an approach.

I have two children from my first relationship that are DB. My choice was not based on class, just that I wanted to share a name with my kids. As they have got older they have both chosen which name they prefer and opted to change it themselves. I have gone on to another relationship where we are married and have a daughter together. She is also DB. I kept my name and he kept his. She is a child of both of us so has both of our names. My decision to keep my name was based on feminism. I don't understand the outdated view that implies patriarchal property. But also because I like my name. It's a beautiful name. It's my Fathers name but he raised me (mum left when I was 5). I have his name because I want it. I keep it because I love it. I passed it to my children because they are half my family. Dh is fine with it, in laws hate it and won't use my name with her. I had NO idea that DB names had any negative associations either way until I came to Mumsnet. I will be honest, DB can be a pain when filling in forms or asking at the rdoctors who are looking up two initials, but not a massive deal. My 2 older girls have decided which name to use and one has legally changed, the other will when she can. My youngest will decide in time. I have read this whole thread in shock. I genuinely thought DB was generally okay and not judged in either way

Me neither....except for the time when I ordered some wallpaper in John Lewis and told the sales person my (double barrelled) name. She looked blankly at me so I said it again, slowly, this time saying "it's Mrs Liberty hyphen Lily" (obviously using my real name!). When my parcel arrived it was addressed to exactly that - she'd written the word 'hyphen' instead of putting a dash between the two parts of my name, lol!

DH and I double barrelled ours on getting married. His surname is awful and i didn't want to be called that. Mine is fairly long but together our two names sound interesting. He was happy to take my name too. When we had DS he obviously was given the double barrelled name but now he's an adult he often calls himself by my original surname, mainly because his first name is long and it can be a pain in the arse explaining/writing the whole thing....

It’s the child’s early years teacher I feel sorry for first!

doubtless going to be given a full explanation of how and why this is DC’s full name & how it must be written.

im also guessing it’s a long name & most boys hate writing, so he’ll resent it (when jack jones has mastered his nine letters your DC will only be half way through)

THEN the poor DC is going to be repeating that for the rest of their lives, until they get chance to change it!

what a way to ruin someone’s character and personality at birth without giving them opportunity to shine for who they are. They’ll always be the person with the name they have to spell and explain!

sometimes feminism goes beyond feminism and becomes a step to far and looses the point in the process.
teach your child to understand and respect women’s rights by making them normal and not extraordinary. By highlighting something separately you are saying it once was acceptable that women were inferior (applies also to race, religion, sexual orientation etc) and can be again.

your real actions in parenting can be so much more (than a name) to bringing a strong well rounded and accepting person into the world for yours, theirs and the worlds benefit.

but he’ll be the kid explaining his name.

I can see him making a stand (or being arrested) at a protest and the while newspaper article would be an explanation of his name rather than the point trying to be made!!

m also guessing it’s a long name & most boys hate writing, so he’ll resent it (when jack jones has mastered his nine letters your DC will only be half way through).THEN the poor DC is going to be repeating that for the rest of their lives, until they get chance to change it!

I know! Poor little Smith-Jones, struggling with his stupid name, see how easy life is for a properly single named Featherstonehaugh.

This post is nonsensical.

I’ve thought about what I’m saying and it’s pretentious. It’s also annoying and sounds ridiculous. I feel sorry for kids having to deal with it. They’ve become so common these days that you actually see people rolling their eyes when they hear one!

I get the feeling that a lot of these "think of the.children" posts are coming from people with very little faith in their child's abilities which is saddening.