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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding card at work - am I being petty?

154 replies

Isitpetty · 28/09/2022 11:25

I've been asked and reminded twice (in group settings) to sign and donate to a colleague's wedding card. I did not know that he was getting married and have only ever had a small number of dealings with him - I pass him in the corridor and say hi every few days and that's it. His office is next door to mine but we rarely see one another. I've worked in the organisation for maybe 7 years and he's been here 3 or 4.

I got married in autumn 2020 and received no card, money or texts from these work colleagues so I am feeling a bit put out at the repeated requests for money. I don't want to give him money but would sign the card if that could be done without looking tight.

If someone asks me about it again should I admit that I got nothing for my wedding so I am not contributing or just kick to touch. Would I look petty to make the point about my wedding being ignored?

OP posts:

Original poster

Isitpetty · 28/09/2022 15:27

oobeedoobee · 28/09/2022 13:58

@mam0918

It's a moot point as the OP isn't in the UK, but the Autumn 'relaxing' you spoke of sin't how I recalled it ?

From Boris's speech 31 Oct 2020 ;
From Thursday until the start of December, you must stay at home.
You may only leave home for specific reasons, including:
For education; For work, say if you cannot work from home; For exercise and recreation outdoors, with your household or on your own with one person from another household; For medical reasons, appointments and to escape injury or harm; To shop for food and essentials; And to provide care for vulnerable people, or as a volunteer.
I’m afraid non-essential shops, leisure and entertainment venues will all be closed – though click and collect services can continue and essential shops will remain open, so there is no need to stock up.
Pubs, bars, restaurants must close except for takeaway and delivery services.
Workplaces should stay open where people can’t work from home – for example in the construction or manufacturing sectors.
Single adult households can still form exclusive support bubbles with one other household, and children will still be able to move between homes if their parents are separated

Ok, so I got married in August 2020 - I didn't want to be specific but I guess it's relevant now that some people are making a big deal about the date of my wedding. My original wedding was due to take place in April but was obviously cancelled. I live in a country that had good leadership and acted quickly so as I said previously, there was literally a handful of daily cases at that time and no deaths. Things were open, there were no mandatory masks or anything like that though we obviously had restricted numbers. There may have been mass deaths etc in Britain at the time, I don't know but there was none of that where I was.

OP posts:

ddl1 · 28/09/2022 15:32

viques · 28/09/2022 12:53

Just to make it clear, lots of people hated her/ were scared of her, she had made a lot of peoples lives misery for a good many years, I was writing for all of us.

When someone who'd been a notorious workplace bully retired, I remember someone coming in to a meeting of about a dozen of us, with a card and saying 'we haven't yet been able to collect much; could some of you sign and donate?' She handed the card to one of the bully's many victims, who kept the card in front of her for the remaining 15 minutes of the meeting, without signing, donating, or handing it round. Not one person asked for it to be handed round!

ddl1 · 28/09/2022 15:42

TinyTear · 28/09/2022 14:26

yes! £10 amazon voucher and an apology as there was a change of line manager and my birthday had been forgotten

I have one ending in 0 next year and they better make a fuss - after being fogotten in the last 0 ending one as well (summer birthday) when everyone else had a fuss made out of.

Show quote history

Well we're all different, but if anyone at work DARED to remind me of an age-milestone birthday, the next thing people might be collecting (or more likely not collecting) for might be legal costs for my trial for murder! I do not consider my age to be either something to celebrate, or any of my colleagues' business! Fortunately, we don't do birthday collections at work, though we do for leaving/ new job/ retirement; weddings if we're told about them; and thank-you cards if someone does something really helpful.

ancientgran · 28/09/2022 15:44

As you say a moot point as she wasn't in the UK but she didn't get married in the November/December so not sure what Boris speech about the 31October lockdown has to do with it. If she had been getting married in August 2020 in the UK it was when Rishi was promoting Eat out to Help out.

Boxowine · 28/09/2022 16:08

At one of my jobs we did a monthly collection/ party and whatever special thing happened that particular month was celebrated at that time. It was the last Friday of every month. Simple and fair.

HuzzahIndeed · 28/09/2022 16:19

I don't donate to collections for similar reasons OP. However, if I don't donate, I don't think it's right to sign the card either.

It IS petty but it's also upsetting to see a fuss made of other people when too many of my own occassions were ignored. It's easier to not get involved in any of it.

I ignore collections and emails but if someone asks me face to face I just say "I don't contribute to any collections" and change the subject. People get the message eventually. They probably mutter about me but whatever.

zingally · 28/09/2022 16:26

I got good at putting my (empty) hand in donation envelopes and rattling it around, to make people THINK I was putting cash in... I've worked in some hellish toxic places, and when it was someone I disliked, or actually hated, fuck am I donating to their random birthday/wedding/child birthing!

My messages in the card were usually "Enjoy the day, Zingally". I'm not even "best wishes"ing people I dislike!

HuzzahIndeed · 28/09/2022 16:35

@zingally be careful with looking like you're donating when you're not. A large amount of money went missing from a collection at my work and everyone involved in it had to be spoken to individually.

I think it was probably a sting as they couldn't have known otherwise but you are leaving yourself open by messing about with the collection.

RosieBartley · 30/09/2022 13:08

I used to work in an office where there was a collection for something WEEKLY. I’m poor. I made it very clear I wouldn’t contribute anymore. It just got too much and I genuinely couldn’t afford to contribute every time and a blanket no was easier than picking and choosing

Serenitymummy · 30/09/2022 13:26

Brefugee · 28/09/2022 11:36

I get lumbered with office collections. I write one mail, and gather what i get and that's it. No reminders, no bugging, no nothing after the initial mail.

In your shoes, OP, I'd say "stop reminding me, i heard you the first time. I barely know him so no thanks. But i thought we'd stopped with this since nobody collected for me"

and then forget about it.

This 100%

Doingprettywellthanks · 30/09/2022 14:38

KimberleyClark · 28/09/2022 14:55

All well and good in the private sector. But most people would be appalled by public money being used in this way.

Show quote history

Yes the idea that my tax money is paying for a birthday card and present for Jane in accounts working for a council hundreds of miles from me… would grate somewhat

Doingprettywellthanks · 30/09/2022 14:41

I’m aways a little 🤔 when a poster says that absolutely everyone in the office always receives a card / present but they don’t and “no one” ever bothers about them.

I suspect there may well be a very valid reason in such scenarios

Doingprettywellthanks · 30/09/2022 14:44

@TinyTear

I have one ending in 0 next year and they better make a fuss - after being fogotten in the last 0 ending one as well (summer birthday) when everyone else had a fuss made out of.

I will look forward to the thread you start next summer whinging about the lack of celebration at work. With an attitude you convey in this statement, I would relish not contributing and watching the shit show that follows 😂

Trollcity · 30/09/2022 14:48

If you don't want to contribute, then don't. But don't not do it just because you didn't get anything for your own wedding. We were in the middle of a pandemic, people were panicked, scared of losing loved ones, their jobs, trying to navigate the newly introduced tier system, still getting ill and losing family members, - I'm sure your special day was the last thing on their minds so cut them some slack. And anyway, who gives to receive??

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/09/2022 14:49

In your shoes, OP, I'd say "stop reminding me, i heard you the first time. I barely know him so no thanks. But i thought we'd stopped with this since nobody collected for me"

this. Sign the card but nothing else

people are struggling to heat and eat, no point paying money you begrudge

Arbesque · 30/09/2022 14:50

Daisychainsx · 28/09/2022 11:53

I cannot stand work collections. They're totally unfair and guilt people into spending money.

I'd suggest going with pp and saying that you didn't realise collections were still a thing, but maybe suggest starting a 'flower fund'. We had this in a previous place of work and it was fab. £2 a month per person or you can pay the whole lot up front, and when it's a big birthday the person gets flowers and a card signed by everyone. That way everyone gets the same and it's not a popularity contest.

At the end of the day, adults don't need to be showered with gifts by their work place, if they have particularly close colleagues they can buy them a present themselves.

In my last job I celebrated my 30th, engagement, wedding and leaving... I got so many collections done for me and felt so uncomfortable as some people didn't have a single event in the 5 years I worked there and I had loads. It's totally OTT and when the economy is as bad as it is I think a little token gift is enough for any grown up.

I think, in your case, I'd have requested no leaving collection as I'd already had 3 done for me in the past few years.

TinyTear · 30/09/2022 14:53

Doingprettywellthanks · 30/09/2022 14:44

@TinyTear

I have one ending in 0 next year and they better make a fuss - after being fogotten in the last 0 ending one as well (summer birthday) when everyone else had a fuss made out of.

Oh no one is asked to contribute so you can relish all you want

the managers have a budget for celebrations... the only issue comes when they are on a 3 week holiday and you have a summer birthday... im not the only one this has happened to, and the other person also raised it...

Don't worry dear, I have been well treated with gifts for my honeymoon and when the kids were born.. and no colleagues' bank balances were harmed for these gifts...

Doingprettywellthanks · 30/09/2022 15:03

TinyTear · 30/09/2022 14:53

Oh no one is asked to contribute so you can relish all you want

Don't worry dear, I have been well treated with gifts for my honeymoon and when the kids were born.. and no colleagues' bank balances were harmed for these gifts...

Show quote history

😂

Tillyboo123 · 30/09/2022 15:38

Can't stand the enforced gift collection. I started a new job and was told it was £10 for birthdays and £20 for retirements, weddings and births. I laughed, said even my family don't get that much therfore count me out.
Funnily enough once I had said no lots of people opted out and it kind of died a death.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/09/2022 15:41

Sign the card, ignore the request for a donation.

Surely no one will challenge you on that! If so you would be given the opportunity to say no one gave you anything. Plus you hardly know him.

The reminders are probably just automated.

Worthyornot · 30/09/2022 15:46

Verytirednow · 28/09/2022 11:32

I personally would contribute a fiver and sign the card …life is too short to be petty .

This. We we not in pandemic around your wedding day? Might have been overlooked then but no need to be so petty now.

Novum · 30/09/2022 16:12

mam0918 · 28/09/2022 13:33

Autumn 2020 was when the rules relaxed, lockdown ended, people returned to work, everything reopened and people where encouraged to return to normal AFTER the first wave... you couldnt actually get married during the time you are talking about so thats no excuse.

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People didn't all return to the office in Autumn 2020. Indeed, many haven't one so even now. I'm guessing that is why OP didn't get a present or anything.

Novum · 30/09/2022 16:12

Haven't done so, not "haven't one so".

Lucyshavingaparty · 30/09/2022 16:13

Sign it inappropriately 'shame you're off the market ;) ;)'

Doingprettywellthanks · 30/09/2022 16:42

Novum · 30/09/2022 16:12

People didn't all return to the office in Autumn 2020. Indeed, many haven't one so even now. I'm guessing that is why OP didn't get a present or anything.

Show quote history

Added to fact we were pretty much still in the eye of the pandemic storm in autumn 2020 so I reckon high possibility a number of colleagues really weren’t thinking about a whip around for a colleagues wedding

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