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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding card at work - am I being petty?

154 replies

Isitpetty · 28/09/2022 11:25

I've been asked and reminded twice (in group settings) to sign and donate to a colleague's wedding card. I did not know that he was getting married and have only ever had a small number of dealings with him - I pass him in the corridor and say hi every few days and that's it. His office is next door to mine but we rarely see one another. I've worked in the organisation for maybe 7 years and he's been here 3 or 4.

I got married in autumn 2020 and received no card, money or texts from these work colleagues so I am feeling a bit put out at the repeated requests for money. I don't want to give him money but would sign the card if that could be done without looking tight.

If someone asks me about it again should I admit that I got nothing for my wedding so I am not contributing or just kick to touch. Would I look petty to make the point about my wedding being ignored?

OP posts:
Dollydea · 28/09/2022 11:46

I wouldn't donate even without the issue of you not getting anything for your wedding. If I didn't hold any bad feelings towards them then I'd happily sign the card but I don't agree with financially gifting someone you barely know just because they happen to work in the same place as you.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/09/2022 11:48

SansaStarkWolf · 28/09/2022 11:32

I refused to sign a wedding card for a guy at work or donate - because I thought he was a total c**t.

Work collections shouldn’t be enforced on people - especially in the current economic climate. I’ve had times I simply couldn’t afford to donate then told, no donation, you don’t get to sign the card - I mean really? Grow up!! Is it like this at your place? Where you have to donate to sign?

Nice username Sis 😂

SunshineLoving · 28/09/2022 11:49

I would sign the card but not give any money. They are being unreasonable for trying to force you to give money. No one knows why you might not want to.

I would feel the same as you. It would have taken a small bit of effort to arrange a collection by bank transfer and send you a card and gift voucher for your wedding.

FlowerArranger · 28/09/2022 11:50

Ignore.
Dare them to ask you a 3rd time...

DappledYork · 28/09/2022 11:51

You've got to weigh up the outcome and act accordingly.

If you don't give a donation, will there be bitching about you?
If the answer is no, then don't do it iif you don't want to.

If the answer is yes or probably, then can you live with that?
If the answer is yes, don't give anything if you don't want to.
If the answer is no, then give something.

Daisychainsx · 28/09/2022 11:53

I cannot stand work collections. They're totally unfair and guilt people into spending money.

I'd suggest going with pp and saying that you didn't realise collections were still a thing, but maybe suggest starting a 'flower fund'. We had this in a previous place of work and it was fab. £2 a month per person or you can pay the whole lot up front, and when it's a big birthday the person gets flowers and a card signed by everyone. That way everyone gets the same and it's not a popularity contest.

At the end of the day, adults don't need to be showered with gifts by their work place, if they have particularly close colleagues they can buy them a present themselves.

In my last job I celebrated my 30th, engagement, wedding and leaving... I got so many collections done for me and felt so uncomfortable as some people didn't have a single event in the 5 years I worked there and I had loads. It's totally OTT and when the economy is as bad as it is I think a little token gift is enough for any grown up.

NeedMoMoney · 28/09/2022 11:53

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 28/09/2022 11:27

would a message of "thought we'd stopped doing this as I didn't get a card" work??

This^^ sounds good to me!

Sprig1 · 28/09/2022 11:53

I would just sign the card but not contribute any money.

ReneBumsWombats · 28/09/2022 11:55

NeedMoMoney · 28/09/2022 11:53

This^^ sounds good to me!

Show quote history

I think it sounds horribly passive aggressive, will get everyone's backs up and cause awkwardness. Unless that's worth doing in your workplace, I wouldn't bother. Choose your battles.

AriettyHomily · 28/09/2022 11:55

Just decline if you don't want to BUT what was your work situation in Autumn 2020, leaving cards / baby cards / other excuses to give money had dropped of a cliff then.

And definitely don't sign without contributing!

feministqueen · 28/09/2022 11:55

I would also sign the card but not donate anything. Good wishes don't have to be accompanied by a financial donation

Isaidnoalready · 28/09/2022 11:57

Tell them you have you put the same message on his that he did on yours if they say they can't see it reply neither did I

BirdinaHedge · 28/09/2022 11:58

Couldn't you say, wide-eyed & naively, "Oh, I didn't know we did that in this office. There was no card when I got married, as far as I remember."

Is he a man in an office mainly of women colleagues?

ancientgran · 28/09/2022 12:06

Verytirednow · 28/09/2022 11:32

I personally would contribute a fiver and sign the card …life is too short to be petty .

Well that's OK but I think these things should either be done for everyone or not done.

I was always happy to give but I hated how some people had to have a huge fuss and a big collection and other were ignored. I was hurt when a colleague got flowers and card when her MIL died and I got nothing when my actual mother died.

Antarcticant · 28/09/2022 12:06

I've been asked and reminded twice (in group settings) to sign and donate to a colleague's wedding card.

By this, do you mean the whole group that you're in is being reminded, or that you are being singled out in the group setting as not having contributed?

If the former, I would ignore.

If the latter I would say 'Can I speak to you about that one-to-one?' and tell the colleague privately that you won't be contributing as you don't know him well and your own wedding wasn't acknowledged so you have no obligation to reciprocate anything; however you wish him well and would be happy to sign a card.

Tinkerbell2209 · 28/09/2022 12:08

Where I work when there is a collection there is a list. When you donate you get ticked off the list. If you haven't given you get chased. Drives me mental. My colleagues are all great (except for the head receptionist who is the keeper of the list and a complete cow) and I have no problem at all with the giving, it is the list monitoring that gets right up my nose. I purposely always wait until last just to wind her up.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/09/2022 12:10

Give him a card directly from you and wish him well.. its not his fault.

But DO say privately to the people that you've sent private good wishes to him but you find the repeat requests for donations hurtful, as your own wedding was ignored.

I don't think it's petty but I do think that you are allowed to say that its hurt your feelings. Because it has, so why pretend?

Brefugee · 28/09/2022 12:13

Where I work when there is a collection there is a list. When you donate you get ticked off the list. If you haven't given you get chased. Drives me mental.

blimey. I am always of the opinion that i am at work to work not make friends (being friendly with colleagues is a bonus) and people like this drive me crackers. So i would, once only, put in 1p and look her right in the eye while doing so while she crossed me off the list. And if that didn't stop her coming? I'd do it every time. (if i didn't want anything to be collected for me)

If the reminders come one-to-one, i would reply one-to-one that "thanks but no thanks". if the reminder comes as a group i would reply to all. With the same.

SillySausage81 · 28/09/2022 12:17

It'd sound petty if you brought up your lack of card, however, you could simply say "tbh I can't say I know the bloke so I don't really feel comfortable participating, thanks."

WimbyAce · 28/09/2022 12:17

Just sign it and don't contribute. I wouldn't make the comment about not getting anything.

KarenOLantern · 28/09/2022 12:18

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/09/2022 12:10

Give him a card directly from you and wish him well.. its not his fault.

But DO say privately to the people that you've sent private good wishes to him but you find the repeat requests for donations hurtful, as your own wedding was ignored.

I don't think it's petty but I do think that you are allowed to say that its hurt your feelings. Because it has, so why pretend?

Yes, do this. Perfect solution.

shivawn · 28/09/2022 12:18

We do collections where I work, everyone throws in a fiver for people who are leaving a or had a baby or whatever. It doesn't trouble me but all depends if you can afford it I guess.

WhenDovesFly · 28/09/2022 12:19

I wouldn't mention your own wedding. It was Covid times and was difficult to arrange collections then. I left my job at the same time, after 30 years and got zilch, not even a card. When I think of all the colleague cards and collections I contributed to over that time, it grates, I agree.

If they come round with a card and envelope then sign it and put £1 in. If they're after a bank transfer then you can get away with saying that finances are tight with the cost of living increases, and you can only afford to contribute to collections for really close friends/colleagues and will have to pass on this one.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 28/09/2022 12:19

Tinkerbell2209 · 28/09/2022 12:08

Where I work when there is a collection there is a list. When you donate you get ticked off the list. If you haven't given you get chased. Drives me mental. My colleagues are all great (except for the head receptionist who is the keeper of the list and a complete cow) and I have no problem at all with the giving, it is the list monitoring that gets right up my nose. I purposely always wait until last just to wind her up.

That's appalling. I'm another who hates work place collections.

Blahdeebla · 28/09/2022 12:20

You didn't get a collection during a pandemic. I think you're the only one who looks bad in this situation.

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