Wedding card at work - am I being petty?

[Isitpetty]

I've been asked and reminded twice (in group settings) to sign and donate to a colleague's wedding card. I did not know that he was getting married and have only ever had a small number of dealings with him - I pass him in the corridor and say hi every few days and that's it. His office is next door to mine but we rarely see one another. I've worked in the organisation for maybe 7 years and he's been here 3 or 4.

I got married in autumn 2020 and received no card, money or texts from these work colleagues so I am feeling a bit put out at the repeated requests for money. I don't want to give him money but would sign the card if that could be done without looking tight.

If someone asks me about it again should I admit that I got nothing for my wedding so I am not contributing or just kick to touch. Would I look petty to make the point about my wedding being ignored?

I never put this much. I always put £3, might increase the allowance to £5 😂There's 30 of us in the office, if everyone puts £3 you can still get a decent gift. That's my logic behind it.

I got married in autumn 2020 and received no card, money or texts from these work colleagues

and you’ve been there 7 years?

bloomin heck op!

I think its a good path OP to do what you feel comfortable with, when you are at work.
But actually, the fact that these things are organised by management, rather than by random colleagues makes it worse. They should treat everyone equally or this will keep happening.

Things like this will change now with the way things are financially. Chucking a fiver in a office whip-round for a colleague you barely know seems too much to ask of people. I wouldn’t donate.

If someone asks me about it again should I admit that I got nothing for my wedding so I am not contributing or just kick to touch. Would I look petty to make the point about my wedding being ignored?

good grief yes you would and fact you’re even considering this approach speaks volumes.

just a “thanks for arranging but I won’t contribute thanks and hardly know”

I dislike this sort of thing. There are too many people in most office settings, some of whom you probably don't even like, much less want to spend money on. If you "have" to donate every time someone has a birthday, wedding, baby, etc., it really starts to add up! The business should have a blanket policy of either doing something or not, and they should never put pressure on any employee to spend their own money on a gift or party.

I don't think it's petty to resent being asked to give money when your own special event was ignored. I'd go the innocent, "Oh, I thought we weren't doing this..." route, if I dared. Let them squirm!

I would sign the card but not donate anything. This shouldn't be expected of you since they never bothered their arses for you.

I would do this...

but then again I am a person who emailed my manager checking if they had sent me the voucher everyone else got for their birthday in case it was 'lost in the post'

Work collections seem to have gone crazy of late . I happily gave £20 towards a close colleagues wedding gift , but put my foot down at one where the person involved had never bothered to step inside the office to introduce herself in the 2 years she worked “with” us . Everyone else in her role mixed office and working from home , but I couldn’t see why I was contributing to someone I had never met .

but then again I am a person who emailed my manager checking if they had sent me the voucher everyone else got for their birthday in case it was 'lost in the post'

excellent. Did you get one?

This happened to me, I had a baby and didn't get a card or present. I then had to buy thing for someone else who got £75 collected for her and bubs. I still contributed because I like her and it wasn't her fault I didn't get the same treatment. Mine was during lockdown so many that made a difference but it definitely hurt me a bit. Forget about the fact you didn't get a card and ask yourself would I contribute if what happened to me hadn't happened.

yes! £10 amazon voucher and an apology as there was a change of line manager and my birthday had been forgotten

I have one ending in 0 next year and they better make a fuss - after being fogotten in the last 0 ending one as well (summer birthday) when everyone else had a fuss made out of.

I feel for you. In one week shortly after my return from mat leave I was asked to sign two birthday cards and a get well soon card (there were less than a dozen of us working there). I hadn't received any sort of card for my recent significant birthday or when I had the baby. As an organisation they also ignored my return from mat leave - there wasn't even an email from my line manager acknowledging I was back. I am very glad I work there no longer.

I wouldn't contribute towards a present to someone I barely know; it's ridiculous. I don't think you can sign the card if you don't contribute - so be it. Don't worry about it.

At the risk of sounding miserable (which I'm not, I promise!) I wish all work cards and collections would be scrapped. There are so many threads from people stuck in awkward work card/collection situations. In large teams it can be relentless and puts a lot of pressure on. If there was a blanket policy on not doing them, no one would feel left out or pressured into contributing. Then, if the person whose birthday or wedding it was wanted to make a thing of it they could bring in some cakes. You also get the people who spend so much time fussing about organising collections as a ruse for getting out of doing any actual work.

I like a good celebration but would usually just focus on my friends and family. Any colleagues I am actually close to I would normally celebrate with outside of work in the same way as a non-work friend. No need to have 'Dave from accounts' sign your card when you barely know each other.
The only cards/gifts that could be warranted in the workplace are for when people leave, as that is an event very specific to the workplace and is nice for people to get that acknowledgement. But even that brings pressure when you are new/skint/don't know or like the person.

I understand how you feel as something similar happened to me. In my WI group, the committee organise flowers and a card for any member when a close relative ( child, husband, parent) dies, I was President for six years until last November so arranged several such gifts. When my mother dies in June, I did not get a card or flowers, nothing! I was upset enough a few weeks later to mention it to a friends who is still on the committee to be told that as I don’t like flowers, they decided not to bother! What, I’ve never said I don’t like flowers and anyway, they could have done something else like a card and a home made cake but no, just silence.

To add to my hurt feelings, last month I was asked to donate a couple of pounds to a birthday present for a WI member who is in one of our small groups that I also go to! Obviously I gave it as I didn’t want to be petty but I find it hard to forget how I was ignored.

I think you should sign the card but not give any money, not because you did not get a wedding gift but because you don’t know the guy very well so don’t consider him a close friend.

Autumn started over a month October 31st and OP was likely engaged for a very long time before that too, not like the date would have been a huge secret that snuck up on them.

In my experience, these types of collections happen because more down to the personality of the 'organiser' than the popularity of the person getting married.
If Jane Super Organiser happens to be in good form that month, then she'll arrange the collection - or is she happens to be best buds with whoever's getting married.

I hate work collections too.

That said I'd just sign and include a token amount. It's galling but you never know when little things like this can reverberate in the future. Grin and bear it.

I wouldn’t sign a card unless I was contributing money for the gift. But I don’t contribute if I don’t really know the person. I wouldn’t mention that you didn’t get something for your wedding. Just don’t sign/contribute.

All well and good in the private sector. But most people would be appalled by public money being used in this way.

work places are so cliquey unfortunately? Usually only the popular ones get the cards and the gifts.

Just to point out everyone saying you look 'petty' if you say anything, the definition of 'petty':

1. of little importance; trivial.
2. of secondary or lesser importance, rank, or scale; minor.

OP is not in the wrong for pointing out exactly that they treat her of lesser importance and treat her equal event as trivial... they where by definition 'petty' in behavor but its NOT petty to point out inequality and unfairness.

She would just be pointing it out and if they are 'offended' then its because THEY where rude and got called on it.

Sign the card at least.

Can you not spare some words of congratulations?

That's just polite.

Personally I'd stick a £5 in too.

The last company I worked for it was CONSTANT. Every week it was someone's Birthday/Retirement/Leaving/Baby honestly it gets ridiculous and I felt awkward not contributing but it grated on me. It's nice if it's someone you work closely with, but if it's John in I.T. who you speak to once a month it's not right imo. More people need to stand up and say no.