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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to invite SIL

346 replies

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 08:20

We are planning on having a big family party on the 26th December in our home. None of us actually like SIL ( my DHs brothers wife). She had an affair a few years ago and we have never forgiven her. I have tolerated her since but last year MIL wasn't getting along with her and blocked her so I took that as my opportunity to not be in touch either . I haven't text her in a year. I seen her yesterday whilst out and about and said hello, didn't stop to engage in conversation. My other SIL and BIL ferl the same as me. Is it really awful not to invite them when everyone else will be there?

OP posts:
MsRosley · 28/09/2022 11:16

Given that OP is exposing herself as more and more unreasonable with every post, I'm beginning to think this whole thread is made up.

ScurryfungeMaster · 28/09/2022 11:16

I understand how you feel but if you invite him and not her that's really shitty and ultimately it's not your choice whether to forgive her or not for the affair, it's his.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 28/09/2022 11:17

MsRosley · 28/09/2022 11:16

Given that OP is exposing herself as more and more unreasonable with every post, I'm beginning to think this whole thread is made up.

And if not, it will soon be removed due to “privacy concerns”…

Abi86 · 28/09/2022 11:17

I’m in strong agreement with the majority here. In summary, your bil can forgive your sil, but you can’t? Given the circumstances, I think both you and your mil have treated your bil and sil disgracefully.

SemperIdem · 28/09/2022 11:18

I’m fairly confident your SIL feels happier that you’ve not spoken to her in a year as well.

You all sounds like a bunch of over-invested weirdos.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/09/2022 11:18

Your sil nearly died and was very ill for a year. This caused severe mental health issues.

I think your sil very probably had survivors guilt. It is well known people, who feel this way sabotage their lives and the affair was a symptom of this guilt.

So your sil, not knowing where to turn and with a husband under immense pressure, tore her life apart.

It sounds as if your sil has been to hell and back, almost died and instead of being allowed to celebrate this, she is being bullied.

Can you not see how inappropriate it is to punish someone for nearly dying until they die for real?

As for her being great fun before, she is changed irrevocably. This feels more like a family not wanting a damaged person around and using the affair (and the photos) as an excuse.

Poor woman. Poor husband. Poor children.

Rainbowdrops2021 · 28/09/2022 11:18

I’m going to be honest. Judging by your replies you really don’t seem like a very nice person at all. I’m guessing if she isn’t invited then your BIL isn’t invited either? So he’s being outcast and punished for her cheating by his own family? I don’t condone cheating at all but it’s sounds like she has gone through an awful time an your BIL decided to forgive her, it is between them not the rest of you. You sound really dramatic and like you enjoy picking on someone. I think you should grow up.

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2022 11:20

@Lauraleight , it sounds as though she had a breakdown. So what you are all judging is someone developing poor mental health. She isn't the 'sort of person I thought she was' do you think that only some sort of people develop mental health issues? I hope none of you do the 'be kind', 'support mental health' rhetoric in real life, because you've all badly let down close relatives. So now your BIL and DNs are also being punished for their Mother's breakdown. Pray that your Dad's don't get PND, or depression and have a lack of judgement, because they will be cut off.

Bahhhhhumbug · 28/09/2022 11:21

She also had a near death tragic experience and was physically unwell for a year. This is true as I visited her in the high dependency unit and seen how unwell she was.
Bet she was thrilled see you at bottom of her bed clutching your pearls.

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2022 11:22

And your MIL sounds about 14, blocking someone over a photo.

Original poster
Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 11:22

To the posters who said the thread is made up, it's not and I have not asked for it to be removed due to privacy concerns.

I suppose I was expecting to be told that my SIL was wrong and that I had a right to not want her in my life.

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 28/09/2022 11:22

You seem to have decided that there is no possible way you are being unreasonable, so do what you want to do.

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 11:22

SAW, OP. Not seen. You;re not 5.

Your posts get worse. You're not going to listen to anyone so why post?

inappropriateraspberry · 28/09/2022 11:23

It all seems very childish. Move on, be the bigger person and invite them. You don't have to be best friends, just tolerate her for the sake of your BIL and family.

Sciurus83 · 28/09/2022 11:23

And now you haven't been told that what will you do?

GloriousGlory · 28/09/2022 11:24

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 11:22

To the posters who said the thread is made up, it's not and I have not asked for it to be removed due to privacy concerns.

I suppose I was expecting to be told that my SIL was wrong and that I had a right to not want her in my life.

She has a right to not want you in her life and to also protect her children from toxic relatives, which you are.

She should walk away from the family and stop the children having contact.

She has a affair, she was Ill.

She did an awful thing.

What's your excuse for being so awful?

Hearthnhome · 28/09/2022 11:25

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 11:22

To the posters who said the thread is made up, it's not and I have not asked for it to be removed due to privacy concerns.

I suppose I was expecting to be told that my SIL was wrong and that I had a right to not want her in my life.

You CAN do what you want.

You asked opinions and most people think yours and your husbands families actions are cunty .

We can think what we want about it to.

You are one of these people who take traumatic situations that happen to other people and make it all about you and how it’s hurt you.

Just wait until there’s a miscommunication between you and mil and it’s you that’s black sheeped.

pinkyredrose · 28/09/2022 11:26

Lauraleight · 28/09/2022 10:14

My BIL was working very hard to financially support his family. He wasn't out drinking,gambling or cheating. He's a good person.

Sounds like he went to work and did fuck all else. You said yourself Sil had 3 young kids and no support.

birder · 28/09/2022 11:26

OP has been influenced by other family members and is now getting outsiders points of view. It's probably a difficult read, but she's still here.

MayThe4th · 28/09/2022 11:30

Incidentally, your mil almost certainly bitches about you too.

People don’t bitch in isolation, if they can bitch about someone to you then they’re almost bitching about you to someone else.

No499 · 28/09/2022 11:32

Just wow. I thought your original post was distasteful but reading through your updates, what a piece of work the family is. It's not for you or anyone else to forgive her, it's between her and her DH. She is better off without such judgemental people in her life so yeah dont invite her.

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/09/2022 11:33

@Lauraleight you say you don't know how to get on with her now.

You could have done what most adults would have done. Ask her to meet up for coffee and chat about your children, or what's good on TV, or go for a walk. They'd say it was nice to have them back with BIL (because it's what he wants).

What you actually need to do is apologise for being to judgemental, because otherwise she'll probably tell you to f* off.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/09/2022 11:34

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/09/2022 08:21

Yabu. If her husband has chosen to forgive her and move on then surely you support him in his decision?

Whilst I would never condone an affair, it's for the husband and wife to sort between themselves.

This
You don't really know what went on between them. it sounds like you've all joined in to punish and exclude her. Why can't you just invite her, be civil and rise above it.

SunshineLoving · 28/09/2022 11:35

Wtf? Can't believe this. Poor woman. I am surprised your BIL still speaks to you when you have all treated his wife so horribly.

It's not about you forgiving her. If her husband has forgiven her, then it's nothing to do with you. Can't believe you have all treated her like this.

Trulyweird1 · 28/09/2022 11:36

Marriages work both ways. If she had an affair, yes it was the wrong thing to do, but clearly there was something that was missing between SIL & BIL.

As many, many posters have said, BIL has accepted it, they have put it behind them. Despite that you and MIL want to cut off the cousins, and brothers from each other.

You are being unreasonable. Just bear in mind, if anything goes wrong in your life, you know what to expect from your in-laws.