Don't want to invite SIL

[Lauraleight]

We are planning on having a big family party on the 26th December in our home. None of us actually like SIL ( my DHs brothers wife). She had an affair a few years ago and we have never forgiven her. I have tolerated her since but last year MIL wasn't getting along with her and blocked her so I took that as my opportunity to not be in touch either . I haven't text her in a year. I seen her yesterday whilst out and about and said hello, didn't stop to engage in conversation. My other SIL and BIL ferl the same as me. Is it really awful not to invite them when everyone else will be there?

What is the family dynamic like OP.

Because you clearly had a man working all hours and a woman struggling to the point where she ended up needing psychiatric care because she wasnt coping.

Where were you, your MIL, your SIL and BIL then. When they needed you. Instead she clearly had an affair (which no one is condoning but you can see how it may have happened).

Yes your BIL was devastated but it is his choice, he is aware of what happened and is prepared to forgive and move on.

Everyone seems to be about hating her and not speaking to her - rather than accepting the person they claim to love choice.

Please don't invite her; you would be doing her a massive favour. She does not need any of your toxic family in her life. You all sound like a bunch of nasty bullies.

If BIL hasn't gone NC with all of you over how you're treating his wife, the mother of his children, then that says a lot about him.

Well lets just hope that YOU never fuck up then OP. Because if you do, you'll be thrown under the bus aswell.

Perhaps you know this which is why you suck up to your narcissist MIL and your other BIL and SIL.

I think it says volumes about your in laws that your brother law stood by his wife after she had an affair, even though it meant essentially getting cut out of his family.

You are all toxic. Stop making it about yourselves. Your BIL forgave his wife, it was 6 years ago, get the fuck over it for his and their children's sake!!!!

He was devastated and managed to get past it. But you can’t for his sake?

You would rather cut him out as well, they get over it as well.

And you all think your mil was right to block her.

I am guessing bil and ail are glad you don’t bother with them.

Wow, your husband’s family sound utterly vile and toxic. She’s well shot if the lot of you - the poor woman having to deal with in-laws like this, she has my utter sympathy. To be honest it sounds like the empathy fairy missed you out - I only hope your kids have developed some and are kinder.

Dear god I feel sorry for your SIL and your husbands brother.

she had issues and had an affair many years ago. And that was between her and her DH. Not you. You all treating her like this does nothing to help or support her DH. You are ostracising him. And if her mental
health suffers - I’m sure that will be on his family’s treatment if her.

we all make mistakes. We all have regrets. Some worse than others. I had very bad PND as a teenage single parent and some of my actions still make me cringe now at 48. Imagine folks judging me on behaviour and things I did when I was at my lowest many years ago that had nothing to do with them. What a bunch of Cee U Next Tuesdays.

honest to god you, other SIL and the MiL sound toxic.

Am I reading a different post?
Her husband was working hard to support the family and you call that neglect.
Neglect would have been if he had of gone down the revenge route and gone out drinking, gambling and knocking off other women.
He could also have given up working and for all we know putting them into debt and given her more things to affect her mental health, but no he decided to forgive her, stay with her and work through the marital problems that she caused.

Just seen what mil argument was - ridiculous- yabu, invite them.

SIL didn't do anything she requires your forgiveness for and her marriage is between her and her DH. Fuck all to do with you. You sound incredibly spiteful.

"I'm close to my MIL and other SIL and BIL and I'd rather keep them happy than deal with her."

They'll drop you like a sack of shit if your husband leaves you.

Your kids were close, you were great friends, she was ill with 3 DC and no support but your bill was "working hard". Whoopie fucking do for him

You're all being horrid and this isn't her splitting the family. How could you drag your own kids through that? Awful.

Are you serious?

Working long hours and leaving all childcare to your wife who was struggling, had a near death experience and ended up having a mental breakdown is not being a supportive husband.

Being a husband and father is about more than bringing home the money.

That's between your bil and sil. They have sorted it out you continuing to be hostile is damaging their relationship and shows you do t actually care about him

Invite her , be nice and get over yourselves. This isn't to do with you

@Lauraleight where were you all when they both were struggling - did you offer any support at all?

You are all so quick to judge but did you actually try and help when they were going through this.

@Lauraleight But knowing that she had a breakdown, wasn’t herself, six years later you are still punishing her for her poor mental health and some bad choices made in difficult times. Your BiL has obviously got past this, so you need to find a way to do this too.

You said your BiL was working very hard to support his family. Maybe he was spending too much time at work and not giving enough time to his family. But you don’t actually know the whole story from the inside. Appearances can be deceiving - BiL seems like a good person, perhaps at that time he wasn’t.

Be the bigger person, reach out to SiL, you may not recapture the friendship you once had, but you could try. At the very least don’t continually punish her.

Your all toxic and judgemental you don't know the details of their relationship and who are you to judge. You come across as a spiteful mean spirited individual.

OP some years ago my BIL and SIL split up, they did get back together a few months after and I've recently found out it was because SIL had an affair, not that either of them told me so don't actually know I know.
It hasn't made me treat her any different, and TBH I wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable in any way just to please other family members.
It was between her and her DH and if anyone can get over that in a marriage good on them.

Wow, how spiteful are you!

It sounds as though you liked her and got along well before things went wrong. Is there any way you could be the bigger person and reach out, meet up for a coffee some time and have a chat? A bit of kindness can be rewarding in itself, who knows, perhaps you could influence the rest of the family to move on a bit for your BIL's sake.

I realise that this might not be possible, family dynamics being what they are.

Sounds to me like you are going along with the MIL because you know deep down you will be ousted too if you don't agree with her.
Either that or you really are that childish and pathetic.

YABU. They're family. It's not really any of your business what's happened in their lives and they've successfully worked through it by the sounds of it. Invite them and grow up a bit.

I'm amazed you can organize a party from that far up your MILs arsehole

Yes the 40th party was a bbq in her Aunts house. MIL thought they had a party and didn't invite her and was upset SIL sent a picture as she thought she was rubbing it in. Looking back it was a miscommunication.

And a woman who is presumably at least 60 years old decided that, rather than accepting she was wrong and saying “I’m sorry, I thought you’d deliberately excluded us; I hadn’t realised you didn’t organise the party yourself”, she would continue a feud that is guaranteed to make life difficult for her own son?

It's nothing to do with the rest of the family!