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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He decided he's coming with us without even asking

232 replies

LeakyTapTap · 27/09/2022 13:32

My sister and I are taking the kids to a pumpkin picking thing this weekend. Due to various things I don't get to spend much time with my nephews and it was meant to be a nice day out for all of us. I paid for the tickets for us four.

Sister mentioned it to her partner last night (who isn't the kid's bio dad!) and he's booked a ticket today and told her that he's coming. Never even asked if I minded.

I'm peeved because he always manages to spoil the day - he's quite grumpy/sullen and also expects coffee and stuff bought for him but never offers. It also means I'm going to have to unpack stuff I've got in my car so he can sit in the boot. I'm so annoyed I feel like cancelling the entire thing. I also don't know him very well and feel like I can't relax when he's around.

Aibu?

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 28/09/2022 08:09

BMW6 · 27/09/2022 13:44

Then you have a Dsis problem. Tell her you will NOT be giving him a lift to the event as you have no room and are not prepared to move stuff to accommodate him.

If he sulks, so what. If he gets arsey with her - it's up to her to take it or ditch the twat. Win win if she does.

Tell her straight you don't like him and are not going to spend time with him.

This

CuriousMama · 28/09/2022 08:12

Apart from the fact he sounds like a twunt. I can't get over having all that in the boot and how much it ups fuel usage.

Tiani4 · 28/09/2022 08:32

You booked these tickets as a sisters day out with children as you get little quality time together and you don't have room in your car for him.

That's what I'd say on Friday and also "it's weird you booked tickets to gate crash our rare girls and children day out tomorrow when you have no transport to get yourself there. Such a shame you wasted money on a ticket when you should have asked first. Anyway if you do sort out transport for yourself, we may bump into you there or not.. bye"

If he kicks up a fuss so she and children can't go, I'd reply "what kind of a dad tries to ruin his children's day out because he's not invited. That's selfish. Go do something else..."

NotLactoseFree · 28/09/2022 10:06

Sister knows she can come to me at any time for support or even just a vent. I don't think he's abusive, just an insecure idiot who can't entertain himself and so needs to be constantly entertained. It would drive me mad, and honestly if I'm reading things right, I don't think they'll be together for much longer.

Yeah, that's what we thought. <Hollow laugh>

Emotionalsupportviper · 28/09/2022 10:14

That's what I'd say on Friday and also "it's weird you booked tickets to gate crash our rare girls and children day out tomorrow when you have no transport to get yourself there. Such a shame you wasted money on a ticket when you should have asked first. Anyway if you do sort out transport for yourself, we may bump into you there or not.. bye"

You could add "Instead of wasting that money on a ticket you ca't use you could have given it to DSis to treat us to a coffee and a scone, and the kids to an ice cream. About time you stood your round in Tessa's Tearoom"

Doingprettywellthanks · 28/09/2022 10:17

LeakyTapTap · 28/09/2022 00:03

Sister and me are on the same page. I'm just planning on having a quiet word with her partner when I arrive on Fri.

Show quote history

How long has your sister been with him op?

Doingprettywellthanks · 28/09/2022 10:18

I don't think he's abusive, just an insecure idiot who can't entertain himself and so needs to be constantly entertained. It would drive me mad

but then you say that “I absolutely know his behaviour is a red flag”

so which is - insecure idiot or red flag for abuse

Original poster
LeakyTapTap · 28/09/2022 13:04

It can be both, surely? They've been together for about a year.

The stuff doesn't live in the boot permanently! 😂 I picked it up from the feed place the other day and it's been in the car since because I have a duff shoulder atm and can't lift it, and my partner has been away.

OP posts:
FuriousFurious · 28/09/2022 13:36

If sister and you are on the same page then why hasn't she told him that this trip is for you two and the kids only?
It should be simple enough if he's just a bit of a lame arse who's a tag along because he can't entertain himself.

Doingprettywellthanks · 28/09/2022 14:03

They’ve been together a year? A year! And already moved in with your sister and her children.

bloody hell.

User19876 · 28/09/2022 14:12

Forget him, you need to have a word with your sister. Moving some sulky manbaby into the home of her children is really shitty parenting. Poor little kids.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/09/2022 14:26

LeakyTapTap · 28/09/2022 13:04

It can be both, surely? They've been together for about a year.

The stuff doesn't live in the boot permanently! 😂 I picked it up from the feed place the other day and it's been in the car since because I have a duff shoulder atm and can't lift it, and my partner has been away.

I think that is an excellent reason for not emptying the car for him. and another reason to underline that you could have told him that if he had only asked. Its such bad manners assuming you will drive him.
That is quite apart from moving into a day out that he wasn't invited to... it was time for you to get together with just the two sisters and kids whilst your DH was away too.
Tonnes of reasons.

Doingprettywellthanks · 28/09/2022 14:29

User19876 · 28/09/2022 14:12

Forget him, you need to have a word with your sister. Moving some sulky manbaby into the home of her children is really shitty parenting. Poor little kids.

Agreed.

forget him - he’s a side issue

the fact is your sister is prioritising her love life by moving a man in within a year of a starting a rel with him and now “goes everywhere with him”.

Your focus op should be on your sisters selfish parenting

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/09/2022 14:46

Also I read that your sister told him that he shouldn't have booked without asking - that ought to have been enough for him to back down - but it sounds like he's still insisting.
Prince.

Sparkletastic · 28/09/2022 14:59

I honestly wouldn't let him come in car. He can get himself there, seek a refund or just lose the money through his own actions.

pinkyredrose · 28/09/2022 17:10

If you're pissed off and your sister's pissed off then why are you both allowing him to walk all over you?

What will he do if your sister tells him he can't come?

CakeMonster1 · 28/09/2022 17:43

Pixiedust1234 · 27/09/2022 13:46

Reading your last post. You don't say anything to him except perhaps saying you can't take him. Do not give a reason why.

AS for making your sister life a misery. You cannot protect her. She needs to see him as he really is. You can talk to her, you can offer her respite, you can support her leaving but you cannot protect her by giving in, it just gives him the green light to ramp it up

I agree!

MeridianB · 28/09/2022 18:00

It's hard to know from what you've shared whether he's an abusive arse or just an arse.

Either way, it would be great if she could get rid of him, with your support.

Moving some sulky manbaby into the home of her children is really shitty parenting. Poor little kids.

dcthatsme · 28/09/2022 18:16

Could you say to him it's a bit of a chance for you and your sister to catch up (a girl thing) and would he mind not coming? I'm assuming that your own partner wasn't coming on the outing?

cherish123 · 28/09/2022 18:24

Tell him you don't have room in your car and don't buy him coffee

threatmatrix · 28/09/2022 18:36

Can you cancel? It would be a shame but would show him he’s not wanted.

JosieHetty · 28/09/2022 18:37

I don’t think you can refuse to take him without upsetting your sister. As others said though, don’t pander to him. Next time you plan something tell her in advance that it’s not for him.

Greenshed · 28/09/2022 19:35

Oh let him sulk. It’s time he grew up - sounds like your sister has 2 kids plus one big one. She needs to stand up to him or kick him into touch - he sounds creepily controlling.

Bumblefuzz · 28/09/2022 20:13

Are you sure there hasn't been a safety recall on the boot seats? Can't possibly use them until they have been tested.

T1Dmama · 28/09/2022 20:59

Your sister obviously wants him there?
maybe you can take the kids off and allow your sister and her partner to wander around behind…
There isn’t really an alternative, you can’t say you don’t want him there without upsetting him or possibly your sister..
maybe next time you book something for the 4 of you, you need to tell her you want it to be quality time with just the 4 of you