He decided he's coming with us without even asking

[LeakyTapTap]

My sister and I are taking the kids to a pumpkin picking thing this weekend. Due to various things I don't get to spend much time with my nephews and it was meant to be a nice day out for all of us. I paid for the tickets for us four.

Sister mentioned it to her partner last night (who isn't the kid's bio dad!) and he's booked a ticket today and told her that he's coming. Never even asked if I minded.

I'm peeved because he always manages to spoil the day - he's quite grumpy/sullen and also expects coffee and stuff bought for him but never offers. It also means I'm going to have to unpack stuff I've got in my car so he can sit in the boot. I'm so annoyed I feel like cancelling the entire thing. I also don't know him very well and feel like I can't relax when he's around.

Aibu?

Well there you go. Boot’s full of stuff you can’t lift out. He’ll have to make his own way .

Id go number three too.

if u do decide to go with him, don’t buy him lunch etc. I’d be super upfront and say Dave, as I bought the tickets, could u get drinks/petrol/lunch. No biggie.unless you are well off and he really isn’t,.,

Or tonight, take out the boot seats completely. So he can’t sit there. Then lie (I’m not nice) tell him u needed them
out yesterday to move some garden furniture or. Something bulky. If he wanted to come and had given you more notice.., he could have helped and then you could both have put them back but.., sorry.

I guess it depends how much I want to keep the peace but seethe or say what you think but leave your sister with the repercussions.

There’s nothing you can do this time… unless you have a friend who you can borrow a smaller car off? Turn up and say ‘sorry I’ve got car trouble and there’s only room for us 4!

apart from that my suggestion is that in future you book something and don’t tell your sister where you’ve booked… only that you’ve booked for the 4 of you.. that way he can’t just invite himself by buying a ticket!!
I think you should have a quiet word in her ear and express your concerns… however having been in such a relationship I used to just believe it was because he cared so much about me… never see you’re being controlled till you’ve walked away!

maybe cancel the weekend and rearrange it?

I used to not tell my ex that I was going out till the day it was happening otherwise he’d sulk from the day I told him till the second I went out and used to make my life hell… I honestly think your sister isn’t being fair to her sons by being with this guy!

There are some serious red flags here. However you handle it be gentle with your sister in case there’s more going on behind the scenes. Some close observation of the dynamics, with your nephew and this guy too, might be in order.

Seriously? EIther say :

No, sorry he can't come, he'll just spoil it. If he wants to be a dick about it, with the best will in the world, that's between him and your sis. If you show you think she deserves better then maybe she'll start to believe it too and not put up with it.

Or say yes, let him come, but refuse to treat him to coffee or whatever (sorry I wasn't expecting you to come too, I budgeted for this and I only have enough for us and the kids) Then every time he acts like a twat, look at him sympathetically and ask him if he's ok. Can you do sarcasm? If so ask if he needs a snack or a hug. Like he's a hangry 6 year old.

I can never understand why people do this. Your sister should have just said to him it’s special for you two and the kids. My brother makes an arrangement and always has wife there as well even if you make it clear just him. It’s not nice for you but I’d cancel on the basis that your sister needs to get the message. Then try and get a just 4 of you arrangement in place for a future date

he sounds insufferable, I hope she doesn’t live with him

You shouldn't have to put up with him. If this guy will abuse your sister if she tells him "No," then YOU will have to tell him yourself. Tell him YOU don't want him for precisely the reasons you've spelled out, and that there is NO ROOM in your car for him.

Your sister may not like it now, but you will be doing her a HUGE favor, and perhaps it will help her deal with this control freak, and maybe even break loose from him.

Just my suggestion. I know everyone will say, "Oh, no, your sister has to learn to stand up to him," but what you really want is for him not to come, don't you? I think it will be easier for your sister to deal with if you do the talking. After all, YOU don't have to LIVE with the jerk.

This. Poor kids.

I really feel for you.
Is this guy a cocklodger that's moved into her home? He doesn't drive. Does he work?

I had this same situation with my sister but it's with her fuckwit DH.
I had planned a trip to Vegas for me and my sis as we haven't seen each other in over a decade. It was my treat.

I thought it was all settled and had already changed my flight to Vegas and was getting ready to book hers, when her she mentioned that he was online looking at tickets to vegas that he'd come along just to push her wheelchair.

I didn't come right out and say, I can't stand your cheating abusive twat spouse and this was to be a girl's sister weekend. I said that I was really wanting it to be us two as it's been ages since we've seen each other.
So a day passes and I hear nothing. Then she says she couldn't go as she remembered she had a doctors appointment on that day.
Translation: he told her she couldn't go.
So I cancelled.

So you have the advantage of the dirtbag only being around a year and not married. Maybe it's what she needs to tell him to FO.

I would cancel.

Sometimes someone needs to see from an outsider’s perspective how there partner’s behaviour affects them and their relationships with others.

You can’t walk on eggshells around her, otherwise you’re enabling this dynamic between her and her partner.

So I would tell her straight. “Sorry, as x wants to come I’ve decided that I don’t want to do it any more.

Borrow a smaller vehicle for the day.

I’d cancel and tell her why. Pumpkin picking is the exact kind of outing that’s a wonderful day with people you love but completely miserable if you’re there with a twat. He’ll take away every single moment of fun for all of you. Fuck that. Tell her the truth.

Easy, just tell him that you can't give him a lift and it's up to him to get himself there.

Honestly, Get a back bone!

' I've no room in car, you will have to meet us there'

Dont buy him anything if he does make it there and if you have before, why?

I’d make it as uncomfortable for him as possible so he thinks twice about coming again.

just clear one seat for him in the back for him to sit. If a bag of seeds —manure— falls on him then tough shit.

ask your sister to invite 2 really loud kids to come & seat them next to the twat.

put on loud music and encourage a sing a long.

As OP has said, she's not the one who needs to get a backbone.

If you make it uncomfortable for him or say anything to him. Your sister will pay the price. It’s not a game. It’s abuse. He will twist it that it’s ops fault.

Tell sister to tell him to bring his wallet… you’ve bought tickets and fuel and tell him he’s buying lunch and coffees !!
mid he starts stropping tell him with no holes barred that if he continues ruining the atmosphere he can fuck off and walk round on his own as you won’t tolerate his childish behaviour or him ruining the day that you’ve forked out for! Tell him this is why he wasn’t invited !
Your sister should’ve told him immediately that he needed to cancel the ticket as he wasn’t invited and had no right to barge in on her sister family time… He will keep doing this sort of thing… she needs to let him sulk… does she give in to her sons everytime they have a tantrum? She seriously needs to ignore his tantrums…
move read they’ve only been together a year?!….. is he living with her already???
Tell her in future not to mention where she’s going at weekends, just simply tell him she’s busy on this date … and never mention again where she’s going… if he sulks tell him out right not to be so childish and manipulative….
You say he’s not abusive?!….. THIS IS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR! only a year into a relationship and he’s controlling her like this, isolating her by not letting her go out without him….. being mentally abusive by then sulking to manipulate her to do what he wanted… huge red flags!
If they live together, she let him move in too fast and needs to change that… if she doesn’t then she simply needs to tell him she needs more space and set clearer boundaries!
he has no boundaries in their relationships and she needs to set them NOW… start by telling him he’s not coming the weekend and had no right to assume! If he was invited he’d have been invited!
if he does come make damn sure that it is him that travels in the boot and he doesn’t manipulate the situation so one of the boys ends up back there! And don’t buy him coffee… don’t tolerate his sulking… either totally ignore him sulking or tell him to F off till he can behave like an adult!
He might be deliberately doing this so you don’t book again .. isolating your sister!….
Don’t leave it too long before booking another outing, but tell her the date but not the destination…. Just that it’s a nice day out with just the 4 of you, and make it clear the reasons why you don’t want him coming!
I hope she dumps him and stays single for a while.. too many women jump into new relationships too quickly… vulnerable to men like this

How much were the tickets?
Take £5 hand it to him, tell him he was not invited, but your refunding his ticket so he isn't out of pocket.
When he wines, look him dead in the eye and say , No I am not taking you, it was a trip for the children , to have fun, your not out of pocket.
If he still wines, tell him he is welcome to find his own way there, or go another time, why is he so desperate to come on a child's adventure?

Take your sister & the kids but let her know you don’t have space for him - it’s not fair they’ll miss out for his tantrum (my bio dad was like that)
dont buy coffees etc and if he mentions it, in your ‘happiest’ voice ask if he’s offering to get some

at some point it might be wise to ask your sister how her kid reacts to him/his moods cuz kids do pick up on way more than most people realise - if she realises that he’s making her son miserable then maybe she’ll give him the boot or a stern final warning

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Your sister needs to do the online freedom programme and start to recognise red flags in the relationship. You can't tell her what to do but you can give her the tools to empower herself.

So your sister is annoyed that he’s coming but too scared of his reaction to tell him not to come?

You need to ask your sister why she’s putting up with this and why she’s moved a sulky, controlling, man child in with her children. She needs to put her kids first and chuck this man out of her house.

Totally agree. I’m currently divorcing my husband and there’s no way I’m moving another man in… EVER…. My daughter comes first and it’s really shitty that she’s putting this fool before her children and sister! Which is exactly what she’s doing by letting him come knowing he will ruin it for everyone! She also needs to tell him he’s buying his own lunch/coffees etc and that he’s rude to invite himself and then expect to be paid for too!
she’s making a rod for her own back and if this continues she’ll have no one… friends will stop arranging things. The sister will too… and as soon as boys are old enough they’ll buggar off