To ask if DC actually become adults on their 18th birthday

[EttieWarbler]

It's often said on here "they're an adult, it's their choice/decision" in response to someone asking about something daft or dangerous their DC is doing.

Now I know that in the eyes of the Law they're adults (except for uni funding of course) but how do you deal with them waking up on their 18th birthday an adult?

DD turns 18 in October and I'm pondering ...

Of course they do. They are legally adults, that is the definition of being an adult. Doesn’t mean they are mature. That doesn’t happen for most until early-mid twenties when they’ve had a bit of life experience and learnt to make their own way.

What do you mean, how do you “deal” with it? Deal with what?
I didn’t expect my child to go from 100% mollycoddled to no support on one birthday… but then I’d spent 18 years encouraging her personal growth, she hadn’t been 100% mollycoddled for over 16 years 🤷🏻‍♀️
I cannot work out what it is you’re even asking!

As Testina says above. They don’t magically turn into adults with fully formed adult attitudes, capabilities and skills. But if you’ve taught and trained them right throughout their childhood and through to teenagehood, and ensured as much as possible that they take on responsibilities appropriate to their age at each step along the way, then they should be well on the way to being wholly independent by the time they get to 17-18 (at least in theory - doesn’t mean you kick them out on the day or never again do anything to help or support them).

I know what you mean, OP, it is quite a shock to realise they are free to live their life without any input or permissions from you, and you are technically not needed after 18 intense years of parenting. The person is no more sensible and mature than when they went to bed the night before, and realistically many will still need a lot of guidance.

I'll be facing this soon and it is a very strange prospect.

It sounds like OP is thinking more along the lines of boundaries, rules, parental authority etc.

You get around issues by a) picking your battles and not getting involved in their adult lives/choices/actions unless it’s serious and warrants your input. If it’s just unwise or silly decisions then you step back and let them learn. b) you can still have house rules within reasonable perimeters, respectfully set and expecting respect from her in return. c) you keep lines of communication open and let them know that if they ever get themselves into trouble they can come to you and you’ll help them sort it.

When they turn 18 they have autonomy over their lived. You can advise them, support them, guide them but no longer allow them(or not) to do anything.
You hope like hell that the things you've tried to teach them stay with them.

This is true.

But you don't just switch off being a parent on their 18th birthday. So often you see threads on here about 18/19/20 year olds who have got into a right mess with something or other and the parent is asking for advice about what steps to take to make it right. And other posters are all "But they are an ADULT!!!!!! Why are you involved in your ADULT offspring's business????" Very few real life parents operate like that, switching off all advice and support on the 18th birthday and just letting their kids fend entirely for themselves.

That’s not true though. Not overnight when they wake up 18. Sure, if they all also move out on the same day. But house rules don’t disappear because a child becomes an adult. Take overnight partners and sex… the law around that is 16 anyway, not 18. You don’t have to allow a boyfriend to stay in a daughter’s bed in your just because they’re 18 now. For other decisions - you don’t have them all until literally the day they’re 18. I’ve got one daughter and two stepsons who have turned 18 - it wasn’t a thing. Except for lots of presents!

If you post on here about a young adult posters seem to tell you to kick them out of your home.
My 20 year old is completely different than when she was 18, so much more mature and my 18yo is still immature so needs a couple more years to mature I think

Tbh I considered myself an adult at 16 and certainly started treating my kids a lot more like adults from age 14/15.

Surely it shouldn’t be a cliff edge. We’ve encouraged gradual independence for years, and just carry on doing more of the same, until they are eventually fully independent. That said we would still help them out if they need us.

Separate in your mind your roles as parent, and your role as home owner/landlord.

So he may decide to be promiscuous and all you can do is remind him about consequences and staying safe.

However you don't have to allow a succession of hook ups to come and go at all times. That's a home owner issue, not a parenting one.

Ditto staggering in drunk and vomiting up the stairs.

I have both a 17 and a 19 year old. They are allowed to do pretty much as they please in terms of going out, but as they are both still living here under my roof I expect the courtesy of them letting me where they;re going, when they expect to be home, and HOW they are planning on getting home if it's late. TBH I expect the same from DH and he's 50.

Legally yes. Brain development no. Brains still develop upto age 25 or so.

I think I understand what you mean OP.

The biggest thing for us was coming to a realisation that no, I can't actually stop them from doing anything anymore. By my own admission I've been a bit of a helicopter parent in the past (often for good reason due to some SEN issues).

I can advise but any consequences are on them now not me.

For example: I'd prefer them not to drink too much so don't buy excessive alcohol but now have to accept they can go and buy their own if they want and there's nothing I can do about it! It's hard when it's been something you have previously controlled - for want of a better word.

I find they need just as much 'parenting' as when they were little but more emotional rather then physical.

My darling Dad sat me down and told me that as an adult I should make my own decisions. He hoped I would seek their advice, given their extensive life experience, and he would always attempt to catch me if I fell, or at least help me back up, but as an adult it was important to stretch my wings.

I remember our random and varied discussions about all sorts of things very fondly indeed.

Yeah I’m not of that mould. Of course I was still going to house, feed and support my children, even if they were technically adults. They went off to university anyway so had to be quite independent of me as a natural consequence. My youngest who didn’t move away to study took a little longer to grow up but that’s only natural.

However my attitude towards them and my expectations of them did change - they were adults and they were expected to contribute as adults to our household. Whether that was a (nominal amount, tbf) towards rent/bills or in other ways depending on their circumstances. I didn’t want them to live in some strange limbo of being an adult but still being treated like a child.

Like everyone else says - it's a transition.

DD1 17 - she can and does get herself about - she also now dealing with dentist and GP appointments - making them going to them by herself - but we're there if she needs us.

I think counter to DH initial thoughts he is going on Uni open days with her - something my parents did in mid 90s and his didn't - and she is finding him useful.

She's not financial independent and I do wish she was more determined about future plans.

We don't say no to things - its much more a discussion why it may be a bad idea or not really possible like that or why they think it needs to happen.

MN is odd though teen before 18 there are many posts you are the adult tell them how it's going to be - then at 18 they are nothing to do with you - along side many more balanced posts.

I do agree though that helicopter parenting does young people no favours at all. Micro-managing things they should be sorting out for themselves takes away from their potential achievements and encourages them to think they can’t do things for themselves, that they’re not capable. That’s not a nice way to feel about yourself.

Nothing changes overnight. You will have been making gradual changes in the way you interact, teaching them independance and guiding them to make their own decisions. Trust is still earned.
At 18 they are convinced they are fully mature and will never change but in fact I noticed a huge difference between 18 and 21 in my two DC.

Had an interesting conversation with DS26 last week. He has always liked cars and driving. He said he now fully agreed that insurers are right to weight premiums on 18 year old drivers as he has noticed a difference in himself and his attitude to risk as he has got older, noticably after age 24.
I couldn't resist pointing out that when he was 18 he was convinced insurers were wrong to make his premiums so high as he was the safest, most skilled driver in the world and would have dismissed anyone who said otherwise.

Yes they are all adults but, like all adults, their level of dependancy will vary.

Well my youngest son is 17. I don't 'allow' him or 'forbid' him to do anything but I do coach him. I regularly say to him 'well, you're nearly an adult so you do need to make the decision for yourself but have you considered x, y and z?' Generally I find this helps them make rounded decisions but he's still at home for me to help him mop up any mess he creates by making dodgy decisions if needed. I think you need to do it in a gradual way.

At 18 they become legal adults. It doesn't mean they mature overnight.

I've met quite a number of "adults" in their 30s and 40's who still hadn't grown up.... childish, immature and irresponsible.

Nope. Obviously they have much more autonomy than a fourteen year old. Also we can no longer have access to their medical records, educational supervisors etc. But they still need more support than a 30 year old, of course they do.

They don't have full cognitive maturity until they're around 25 for a start. Their support network consists of other 18 year olds, so not a massive pool of experience and knowledge.

If my 18 year old was struggling at university I'd probably go and see them to give some support. With a 25 year old I'd more likely be on the end of the phone. It's about a gradual reduction of support not falling off a cliff.

I don’t think is an overnight change… more a giving them less “parenting rules” as they approach adulthood and more “advice”
you cannot legally stop them from doing stupid stuff, but you can encourage them to think on what they do
but as others have said, it’s still your happy se your rules, so you can still have house rules