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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if DC actually become adults on their 18th birthday

139 replies

EttieWarbler · 27/09/2022 09:08

It's often said on here "they're an adult, it's their choice/decision" in response to someone asking about something daft or dangerous their DC is doing.

Now I know that in the eyes of the Law they're adults (except for uni funding of course) but how do you deal with them waking up on their 18th birthday an adult?

DD turns 18 in October and I'm pondering ...

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 28/09/2022 12:35

My DD (17) is pretty independent in terms of what she does with her time, She gets herself to school, organizes her own social life and gets herself to sports practices and her p-t job independently.

We’re here in the background for her to turn to, but I’m not at all worried about university next year, she’s ready to leave home. So I don’t think we’ll need to change anything when she turns 18, tbh. Lockdown, etc. doesn’t seem to have affected her development.

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 12:40

BadNomad · 28/09/2022 12:03

Are you new to MN? Have you missed all the threads from women posting about their gutless DHs running home as soon as their mother demand their attention? Dropping their wives and children in the process.

That is what "parenting" beyond childhood looks like. The rest of us call that controlling.

Many men might do that. But its not because they had loving kind parents who didn't drop their responsibilities like a hot shit on their kids 18th birthday!

Parenting doesn't end on the 18th birthday, and pretending that its controlling is just trying to make yuorself feel better for neglecting your nominally adult children.

Don't be jealous because I have lovely, independent, caring and considerate children. Putting the work in gets results.

BadNomad · 28/09/2022 12:43

They're not independent if they can't say "no" to you.

PugInTheHouse · 28/09/2022 12:48

Parenting beyond 18 is not controlling, of course it isn't, setting rules such as bed time and grounding them is. I was only referring to those posters. If you have parented right then your DCs will be independent and respectful and will come to you for advice without you telling them what to do. Surely that's the aim for 18 yos.

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 12:56

PugInTheHouse · 28/09/2022 12:48

Parenting beyond 18 is not controlling, of course it isn't, setting rules such as bed time and grounding them is. I was only referring to those posters. If you have parented right then your DCs will be independent and respectful and will come to you for advice without you telling them what to do. Surely that's the aim for 18 yos.

Perhaps tel that to the pp who said literally that parenting 18 year olds is controlling. And abusive!

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 13:07

Parenting beyond 18 is not controlling, of course it isn't, setting rules such as bed time and grounding them is.

Did you miss the second part @50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself 😬

PugInTheHouse · 28/09/2022 13:22

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 13:07

Parenting beyond 18 is not controlling, of course it isn't, setting rules such as bed time and grounding them is.

Did you miss the second part @50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself 😬

I think they possibly did! No good parent ever stops parenting really but you need to stop telling your DCs what to do once they become an adult. This thread is baffling. Babying adult children is disastrous, I have seen the results when recruiting at work. You can tell the difference in those who have clearly been allowed independence. Whenever there is a problem their mums phone up also. It's not good.

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 13:43

@PugInTheHouse agree completely. I'm mid 30s and my parents have supported me so much in the past couple of years after an awful separation. Don't think I'd still be alive without them. Any decent parent knows that when you become a parent it's basically a job for life, but one that changes over time.

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 13:48

Octomore · 28/09/2022 11:21

What has the law got to do with how parents treat their children in their own home?... What law says that I can't impose my rules on anyone living in my house?

Christ, would you listen to yourself? Those are the sorts of thing abusers say.

The law has quite a lot to say about how people treat other adults. Controlling and coercive behaviour is classed as abuse when it's between two partners.

You are perfectly entitled to have house rules, and to ask your child to leave if they don't agree to them. But you do not have the right to control the movements of another adult.

ODFOD

I absolutely do have the right to control the movements of my children. I don't do it as I don't need to, but it is beyond ludicrous to suggest that should my 18 year old not do what he's supposed to (make dinner, empty the dishwasher) that I can't tell him to do so. That one day after his birthday, I must ask politely and wait and see if he will choose to do it or not.

Is this why so many posts appear on here wailing about their adult children taking advantage of them, slobbing about in their house refusing to do anything? Because you are too timid to tell them to do stuff? Pathetic.

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 14:03

I absolutely do have the right to control the movements of my children.

You can't see the difference between asking an adult member of your household to help and contribute by emptying the dishwasher/making dinner, and telling them they're grounded and can't leave the house/imposing a bedtime?

One is completely normal, the other is controlling and abusive.

And 'I have the right to control the movements of my children'. Wow. Just wow.

BadNomad · 28/09/2022 14:07

I absolutely do have the right to control the movements of my children.

You mean "parent" the movements of your children, surely?

Looneytune253 · 28/09/2022 14:32

Wow can't believe what I'm reading here. People would really 'ground' and give bedtimes to an 18 year old. Dear me!! That stopped way before 18 for us and gradually they learned for themselves how to go to bed as they were given the freedom to do it. Now (almost 18) she goes to bed (after we do) when she's ready depending on what she's got on the next day. She does her homework in this time and also goes out and comes in independently when she chooses. We felt able to dictate the times before the age of 16 but after that it really is their life if they're sensible with it

Looneytune253 · 28/09/2022 14:34

@PugInTheHouse lol that's so funny. My dd works but I defo don't ever get involved in things that happen at work. Sometimes I will at college but only if she's in desperate need and she's tried herself. I don't think there's any scenario where I would call work for her lol

PugInTheHouse · 28/09/2022 14:40

@Looneytune253 we were even threatened with violence when an employee had been let go by their dad, they failed to tell them they had hardly ever turned up etc. College is a bit different, my DSs college email with Google classroom stuff each week, I am assuming that continues until they finish if the DCs agree. I would be happy to discuss issues at college if my DC wanted me to of course.

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