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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if DC actually become adults on their 18th birthday

139 replies

EttieWarbler · 27/09/2022 09:08

It's often said on here "they're an adult, it's their choice/decision" in response to someone asking about something daft or dangerous their DC is doing.

Now I know that in the eyes of the Law they're adults (except for uni funding of course) but how do you deal with them waking up on their 18th birthday an adult?

DD turns 18 in October and I'm pondering ...

OP posts:
sóh₂wl̥ · 27/09/2022 09:57

I didn’t want them to live in some strange limbo of being an adult but still being treated like a child.

I do think that's a trap our own parents fell into - on plus side we got support well into our 20s downside few year later we were married and few years after that we were parents - and our own parents did struggle with that.

But my DP were forbidding things while I was at University and DH DP weren't as blatant they did expect him to fall into line even after our marriage.

Original poster
EttieWarbler · 27/09/2022 09:58

It sounds like OP is thinking more along the lines of boundaries, rules, parental authority etc

Yes, that's it. So my friend's DS was 18 last month and he now wants his girlfriend to stay over "but not in the spare room." They've only been dating 3 months but he's an adult now ...

My DD has a well paid part time job and I give her spending money too on the condition she saves X% of her wages. Can I continue to stipulate this when she's an adult?

By the way, I'm here for a chat not an argument!

OP posts:
ancientgran · 27/09/2022 10:02

I don't think it should be a sudden change, I think if they have gradually been given more responsibility and accountability over several years it won't be an earth shattering event on their 18th birthday.

I don't know if that works for everyone but it seemed to with my 4.

Radiatorvalves · 27/09/2022 10:03

I’d say (as parent of a new 18 yo) that it’s evolution not revolution. He’s carried on going to school, doing homework, working on personal statement. He’s come home at 1.30 am too. And he obviously gets a say in things. But if I’m cooking dinner, I expect him to eat it. And usually he does, greens and all. I’m conscious that I probably have it pretty easy.

sóh₂wl̥ · 27/09/2022 10:04

Some of that's going to be living under your roof rules.

You own the house if you don't want the girl friend over - well you can say no - but consequences might be you see DS less - or might not or dealing with fact they may try swap rooms trying to do it under your nose which you have to respond to.

My parenst had that rule - so I spent more time at DH parents house - he didn't understand my parents rule but I had much younger sibling they were also considering.

As you are giving DD money you can set rules again - though if she won't abide you can say fine - your spending money is what you earn and I'll save what I used to give you - though that's one is much more a discussion how to proceed.

x2boys · 27/09/2022 10:05

Outside of the mumsnet bubble where all 18 year old do Alevels and go to university, many 18 year old have no choice but to be an adult ,my niece, was just four months past her 18 th birthday when her mum died suddenly and she was left to look after her two younger siblings and was considered adult enough by the courts to do so ,she's 24 so not that long ago

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 27/09/2022 10:07

L1ttledrummergirl · 27/09/2022 09:26

When they turn 18 they have autonomy over their lived. You can advise them, support them, guide them but no longer allow them(or not) to do anything.
You hope like hell that the things you've tried to teach them stay with them.

Well, that rather depends on where they want to live & how much financial support they require.

I don't care how old someone is, it's still my house.

ancientgran · 27/09/2022 10:08

EttieWarbler · 27/09/2022 09:58

It sounds like OP is thinking more along the lines of boundaries, rules, parental authority etc

Yes, that's it. So my friend's DS was 18 last month and he now wants his girlfriend to stay over "but not in the spare room." They've only been dating 3 months but he's an adult now ...

My DD has a well paid part time job and I give her spending money too on the condition she saves X% of her wages. Can I continue to stipulate this when she's an adult?

By the way, I'm here for a chat not an argument!

I think the sleeping over things is very individual to the family, their beliefs and circumstances. As an example when one of mine was 18 he had a younger sibling who was 3 so I had to consider what the 3 year old was seeing and hearing. My biggest worry was a 3 year old who liked his girlfriends and then the girlfriend would disappear. In the end I had to say I didn't want girls round until he thought they'd be around for a while as it was unsettling for the 3/4/5 year old.

The saving, well I'm in this position now with 17 year old GC I'm raising about to turn 18. What I've done is talk to him about why it is a good idea to save, what a difference it will make to what he can do next summer when lots of stuff is being organised and how useful it will be to have money when he is at uni. We agreed a plan of spending money/short term saving (for fun next summer with first holiday abroad with friends to celebrate the end of school/long term saving. So for him it is a third for each. It will be interesting to see how that goes.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 27/09/2022 10:11

TheFeistyFeminist · 27/09/2022 09:39

My darling Dad sat me down and told me that as an adult I should make my own decisions. He hoped I would seek their advice, given their extensive life experience, and he would always attempt to catch me if I fell, or at least help me back up, but as an adult it was important to stretch my wings.

I remember our random and varied discussions about all sorts of things very fondly indeed.

He sounds lovely ❤️

I miss my Dad too xx

Menora · 27/09/2022 10:12

I allow DD’s boyfriend to stay over. She’s 18.
She has known him for quite some time and if they were living away at uni, I would have no say at all of who was asleep with her! Also I would rather she’s at our house than some car park or something 😑 and I like her being at home

He helps out round the house doesn’t make a mess, even buys and cooks food. He is kind of part of the family now

our house is close quarters, a new build so I doubt there is any sex going on at night, her door handle is broken and the door doesn’t even close properly. Also I do trust her she’s sensible about being safe. I think they are actually just sleeping at night and if they have sex they more likely sneak in the house when I am at work and this would happen anyway if I banned overnights

BadNomad · 27/09/2022 10:12

What goes on in your house has nothing to do with his age. If you don't want his girlfriend staying over in his bed, you can say no. But it's not going to stop him having sex with her elsewhere. That is not something you get a say in. You can only hope you've raised him well enough to be safe and respectful.

WillPowerLite · 27/09/2022 10:13

EttieWarbler · 27/09/2022 09:58

It sounds like OP is thinking more along the lines of boundaries, rules, parental authority etc

Yes, that's it. So my friend's DS was 18 last month and he now wants his girlfriend to stay over "but not in the spare room." They've only been dating 3 months but he's an adult now ...

My DD has a well paid part time job and I give her spending money too on the condition she saves X% of her wages. Can I continue to stipulate this when she's an adult?

By the way, I'm here for a chat not an argument!

Bf/gf staying overnight in their bedroom: that's one for the homeowner to decide. (I mean, I can't see why you would object- seems all sorts of counter productive- but if you do, it's your house, your rules.)

Your dd's money - you can make sensible suggestions, but of course she can do what she likes with the money that she earns.

mam0918 · 27/09/2022 10:50

legally adults in most respects however I was having this convosation yesterday about how you cant tar all people by age.

Some geniuses have graduated uni before 13 (has happened) and can live independent adult lives, some adults have low IQs and the mentality of small children and some young teen girl can and do raise their own babies, yet some adults I know still dont know how to even hold a baby.

Thing are much more complex than just the date you where born on however unless your DS has notable learning difficulties etc... then in the eyes of the law he will now be held responsable as an adult to make his own choices/decisions and any consiquences as a result (crime, investiments/finaces, children, career etc... all on him now).

RampantIvy · 27/09/2022 10:52

It's great to see a load of sensible and balanced answers on this thread.

Who are these mumsnetters whose DC miraculously become mature, confident, self assured and sensible adults at 18?

NiqueNique · 27/09/2022 10:56

Well some do! My eldest was like that.

But it’s not like you flip a switch from awkward, grumpy, entitled teenager who’s never done a chore or cooked a meal to fully fledged, mature and responsible adult who knows how to clean and cook! A lot of people seem to think that’s how it works, whereas actually you’ve got to have already taught and trained them, from quite a young age actually.

Original poster
EttieWarbler · 27/09/2022 11:43

Thank you for the thoughtful replies.

I think I'll be happy to let DD's bf stay over when she asks, we're not there yet. But hook ups won't be allowed 😀

We live in a rural area with poor transport. She meets bf in town but I ask her to get the midnight bus home as I have to drive to next village to pick her up around 1a.m.

It's not a curfew, more being considerate of me and even when she's 18 I want to stick to this - with exceptions of course.

OP posts:
NiqueNique · 27/09/2022 12:02

Yes that’s a great example of a reasonable expectation.

Respect works both ways and you are still the woman of the house; as Judge Judy says...’as long as you live in my house I own the air you breathe’... Wink

Blossomtoes · 27/09/2022 12:06

melchim · 27/09/2022 09:23

I know what you mean, OP, it is quite a shock to realise they are free to live their life without any input or permissions from you, and you are technically not needed after 18 intense years of parenting. The person is no more sensible and mature than when they went to bed the night before, and realistically many will still need a lot of guidance.

I'll be facing this soon and it is a very strange prospect.

The answer is not to “intensely parent”. My parenting became increasingly light touch from around 15 onwards. By 18 he was capable of thinking through the potential consequences of his decisions. Obviously he still did the occasional bonkers thing but who doesn’t - at any age?

LongLivedQueen · 27/09/2022 12:09

L1ttledrummergirl · 27/09/2022 09:26

When they turn 18 they have autonomy over their lived. You can advise them, support them, guide them but no longer allow them(or not) to do anything.
You hope like hell that the things you've tried to teach them stay with them.

That's complete bullshit though, isn't it? I have an 18 year old, she's still in school, she lives in my house, she does not in any real sense have autonomy over her life. I absolutely can allow her or not allow her to do anything. I've raised her pretty well so I don't have to very much, but I can, and do.

Why do people have this bizarre notion that on their 18th birthday they are a fully fledged adult who can do whatever they want?

AlwaysTheBrideNeverTheBridesmaid · 27/09/2022 12:12

Of course they do. You have no legal responsibility or say over them anymore and they can do as they please without your say-so.

How do you deal with it when your DD turns eighteen? Well, if you've put the groundwork in and parented her appropriately it shouldn't really be a massive issue/change tbh.

LongLivedQueen · 27/09/2022 12:55

AlwaysTheBrideNeverTheBridesmaid · 27/09/2022 12:12

Of course they do. You have no legal responsibility or say over them anymore and they can do as they please without your say-so.

How do you deal with it when your DD turns eighteen? Well, if you've put the groundwork in and parented her appropriately it shouldn't really be a massive issue/change tbh.

Rubbish! How can they do as they please without my say so? They live in my house, they eat my food, they get driven about it my car or use the bus pass that I pay and make their plans on the phone I pay the bill for. The only money they have is what I give them. Every practical aspect of my 18 year olds life is in my hands.

They can do as I please, in actual fact.

Luckily my 18 year old is a very sensible one and understands how life actually works, and knows this notion of sudden full adulthood is a lie.

BadNomad · 27/09/2022 13:01

@LongLivedQueen if your 18-year-old didn't want to do something, how could you make her do it? How could you physically stop her doing something she wants to do? You actually aren't making her do anything. She's doing it because she wants to. Your 18-year-old could walk out of your life tomorrow and you couldn't stop her.

RampantIvy · 27/09/2022 13:14

Like @EttieWarbler we live in a rural area with poor public transport. When DD is at home she either stays at a friend's house or I collect her at a pre-arranged time, or she comes home early.

LongLivedQueen · 27/09/2022 13:19

BadNomad · 27/09/2022 13:01

@LongLivedQueen if your 18-year-old didn't want to do something, how could you make her do it? How could you physically stop her doing something she wants to do? You actually aren't making her do anything. She's doing it because she wants to. Your 18-year-old could walk out of your life tomorrow and you couldn't stop her.

Lol. And go where? With what? She wouldn't get further than the end of the road

I don't generally need to make her do or not do anything, but I have the last word. If she's too long on the X Box and not long enough on studying, the XBox controllers would be gone. IF she wants money to go out on Friday, she will do her chores, or no money.

IT's not difficult. They don't get some kind of key to the city on their 18th birthday!!

Blossomtoes · 27/09/2022 13:24

They can get jobs, though. Frankly I’m astonished that an 18 year old is so compliant to that degree of control, mine certainly wouldn’t have been and I’d have been worried if he had.