To ask if DC actually become adults on their 18th birthday

[EttieWarbler]

It's often said on here "they're an adult, it's their choice/decision" in response to someone asking about something daft or dangerous their DC is doing.

Now I know that in the eyes of the Law they're adults (except for uni funding of course) but how do you deal with them waking up on their 18th birthday an adult?

DD turns 18 in October and I'm pondering ...

I was very much still under my parents wing until about 21 🤷🏻‍♀️ even though I was living in another country 😂 so some things were my decision, others I relied on my parents (housing, health insurance....). It was a slower breakaway.

There's no real actual control, there doesn't need to be. I have raised a great human being. She studies because she wants too and she helps out because she's not a twat. She could maybe get a job but is an important school year and I'd rather she didn't, she's better off studying more
I'm just pointing out that I could, should I need to.

I'd be more worried that you had an 18 year old you stopped parenting on his birthday and you imagine they were suddenly adults and free as birds.

@KassandraOfSparta Similar here, both DH (50) and DD (17) abide by the same house rules. 😂

My take is that when DD has her birthday, not much will change in terms of her behavior at home, but I recognize that legally, I’ll no longer have the same responsibility for her, IYSWIM. So if, for example, she was arrested, the police wouldn’t automatically call me ring me as the parent, it’ll be her decision. Same if she was transported to hospital, they’d only ring me with her permission, right?

It’s all abit scary, but fingers crossed, DD is pretty sensible so I think she’ll be OK.

DD (17) texted me on Saturday night to say that she’s decided to stay over at her friend’s house (whom we’ve known for years). That’s all I expect at this point and when she’s 18, I suppose she can stay over at anyone’s house (scary but true!)
I’d still appreciate the courtesy of letting me know so I’m not staying up worrying.

We are very Yes parents and have been lucky that ours are sensible and get on with their school and college work without our involvement.

They still come to us for advice or to confide in us at times.

Our only big No was underage drinking and we got them to 3 months of their 18th's, when friends started having 18th birthdays, and were happy enough for them to have a beer and celebrate.

We are strongly against underage drinking and fortunately their friends parents were similar in wanting to get them as close to 18 as was possible.

For us that was important and they understood and respected our opinion.

We have always said yes to any socialising they wanted to do and are happy to collect.

We shared collections which was great

”You can meet woman who are 18 and girls who are 40”

I read that somewhere before and think this is very true

Whatever the legalities, I think that they seem more properly grown up by the age of 21.

I suppose that the fact that the transition often coincides with going to college or starting a new job means that they are having to deal with taking decisions independently, in the case of choosing their own meals and budgeting at college, and having to accept a new centre of authority, in the case of entering the workplace. These changes make the concept of adulthood seem more concrete.

I treat my 16 yo DS very much like an adult currently, they should be learning independence etc from early teens so I don't really think much will change. He is relatively mature now and has a reasonable amount of freedom, eg sets his own curfew and sorts his own college work out. He did the same in Y11 for GCSEs as the motivation had to come from him IMO.

I don't buy into your house your rules as a whole, I think it is a lazy way of parenting for some, I know some people decide its an easy way of not allowing DCs freedom and controlling their DCs. For me it will always be around consideration, eg not coming home at 3am and waking the whole house up etc. I will also continue to give advice but ultimately its down to them to make decisions. That should be happening way before 18 anyway.

I think legally they become adults at 18 and the job we have as parents is to recognise that, treat them as adults and allow them to start learning how to be adults.

I'm a bitch but most cases I have seen in friends where young people aren't adulting, it is the fault of the parents still treating them like kids... and that process starts way before the magical 18th birthday....

I should have read this before I posted. Spot on.

I cannot believe a pp has said they would remove their 18 yos XBox controller if they are on too long/not studying. Although I have read on MN about those who enforce 10pm bedtimes on 18 yos and remove their phones at night so nothing should surprise me.

I also find it very hard to believe that DCs stuck to the no underage drinking rule until 3 months after they turned 18 but I think it's quite nice they were respectful enough to ensure they weren't caught given how much it meant to their parents. Maybe they did actually stick to the rules.

I have been pondering this too. I think the only difference for us is going to be I am going to stop waiting up for ds to come in - although that is easier said than done.

If you accept your child is of legal age and having sex then I don't know why a parent would be against it happening in their house anyway.

I can't believe you wouldn't, should a thing be necessary. Seems very much like some parents simply stop caring about their children as they are suddenly adults...
I don't have to actually do it, but my kid knows I could and would if I had to.

And beleive it, re alcohol. Loads of teens these days have little interest in alcohol, and think its a waste of money. My DS was very almost 18 when he had his first drink (having tried many things at home and disliking it all), and so were most of his friends. Now in their early 20's half don't drink at all and the rest are moderate.

I don't know why people insist on here all teens are binge drinking anf hiding it, I can only assume its a British thing

My daughter is 23 next week, is a Masters graduate, has a proper grown up job with a company car that involves living away from home in the week and she still doesn't feel like an adult!

My son turned 18 last December. He still had to go to school, do his jobs around the house, go to bed on time etc. I even grounded him. Plus I gave him pocket money till he started working.
Since he left school we've been a bit more lax but he still needs a lot of support adulting. e.g. I help him budget his money and have to remind him to do his laundry etc.
He is a very young 18 years old compared to how myelf and his dad were at that age.
Probably our fault for the way we've raised him.

@PugInTheHouse I think people are allowed to have house rules if they wish. For example, if no one is allowed to smoke in your house, that's a "rule," isn't it?
Same with no drug taking in the house.

But I agree that it boils down to respect and consideration for others.

How can you ground an 18 year old? I mean, how? My parents had given up grounding me by the time I was about 15 because if I was going to go out, they weren't going to be able to stop me. I climbed out the window on several occasions. If my mum had try to ground me at 18, I'd have laughed in her face.

I actually have a brilliant relationship with her these days btw!

Easily. You raise a child who doesn't climb out of windows and run off, is the trick.

@Cameleongirl absolutely, it's the my house my rules stance I dislike, basically posters say I don't care if my DCs are 19 yo, I don't allow phones upstairs or bedtimes later than 10pm and it's my house my rules so thats that. I don't feel that is a good way of setting young adults up for life and doesnt give any respect to those DCs who are able to hopefully make their own reasonable decisions. Teaching independence, learning from mistakes and respect is what I want to do if possible. House rules should be around respect and consideration for others such as no smoking or drug taking absolutely, not about controlling DCs. DH and I wouldn't be allowed to smoke indoors either of course.

@LongLivedQueen I'd be seriously concerned if my children at 18 would accept being 'grounded'. That's not the norm for anyone I know.

I'd be careful of assuming such superior parenting skills if you have a docile, compliant with everything teenager who wouldn't push the boundaries. I don't think much of it is to do with how they are raised and has much to do with their personality and character instead.

I absolutely wouldn't remove an xbox off an adult. When are they going to learn from their mistakes if they are micro managed. Surely by 18 if you have raised your children well they should be able to self regulate themselves with regards to bed times, study time, social time. I would feel like I have failed if they got to 18 and I was controlling them in that way. What will they do at Uni when I'm not there to remove their devices or ground them when they haven't studied enough.

@PugInTheHouse Yes, I'm usually asleep before DD so I have no idea when she goes to bed. 😂As you say, as long as they're considerate and reasonably quiet while others are sleeping, that's fine.

Agree with everything you have said @PugInTheHouse. Some of the rules imposed on young adults that I read on here are really alarming; if someone posted that their husband were taking their phone away from them at night and imposing curfews etc, it would be rightly labelled as controlling.