To ask if DC actually become adults on their 18th birthday

[EttieWarbler]

It's often said on here "they're an adult, it's their choice/decision" in response to someone asking about something daft or dangerous their DC is doing.

Now I know that in the eyes of the Law they're adults (except for uni funding of course) but how do you deal with them waking up on their 18th birthday an adult?

DD turns 18 in October and I'm pondering ...

My best friend was the only one not allowed out when we were 16/17. Her parents were so strict so she used to leave clothes at mine and climb out her window. They had no clue where she was at any time. If they had bothered to discuss it and compromise with her that would have been so much better. She was a lovely girl and really sensible so there was no reason to not let her out in the evenings.

This thread makes me feel ancient 🤣🤣
At 18 I was living in my own house with Dd1. She was 3 I was working full time 12 hour shifts. Paying all my own bills and saving to buy her clothes.

I'm sorry your children are so badly behaved and inconsiderate and would ignore you so badly.

and don't assume anything about my children just because they know how to behave properly, unlike yours

That's not the norm though, and not what any of us would want for our teenagers

How can you ground an 18 year old? I mean, how?

I’d like to know that too. I was a single parent and my son was 8” taller than me at 18. He’d have laughed if I said he was grounded. Obviously there was never any need to even think it because I was always a light touch parent and there were so few rules I can’t remember him ever breaking them.

He started doing his own laundry off his own bat at 15 and cooked his own vegetarian food at about the same age. I never looked inside his room but I’m sure it was a tip, I didn’t care because I didn’t have to live in it.

If you accept your child is of legal age and having sex then I don't know why a parent would be against it happening in their house anyway

Really? You don't get why a parent might be uncomfortable with their DC bringing a ONS home. Or a bf/gf they hadn't been seeing for long?

This! It's not as if you go from dictating everything a 17 year old does and then suddenly they're an adult and you have no say. Do you regularly forbid your 17 year old from doing things, or force them to do things?

Most 17 year old should be treated broadly as adults regardless - its a gradual process that starts from the moment they first start doing things independently as a small child.

@LongLivedQueen where did I even mention my own children? Perhaps read posts properly. I didn't bring them up, mine are 10 and 8. I was talking about my own behaviour as a teenager.

My parents were good parents, they cared a lot about me and made lots of sacrifices to give me a good life. They were also quite laid back but didn't just let me do whatever I wanted. They just weren't control freaks. And the problem is, when a teenager is determined and of a particular kind of character, it is impossible to stop them. Teenagers aren't toddler sized.

I don't know. I have 3dc, 21,20 and 18 tomorrow. I stopped telling the older 2 how to live their lives at 18 and we joke with dd that from tomorrow we have no right to interfere with her life.

We have taught them all to respect those around them though, so if anything is going to impact me, they check with me first, eg girlfriends/boyfriend coming home, staying out late, disturbing our routine etc. We communicate and trust them to do the right thing.
We also support them in their endeavours and act as a safety net and are always available for advice and support.

I can only say that it works for us.

you regularly forbid your 17 year old from doing things, or force them to do things?

Where did you read that?

And?

Young people are now in compulsory education at sixth form college/school until the end of the school year when they reach 18. Hence, most people are still in full time education, with parents receiving Child Benefit, until several months after reaching 18. You cannot consider them adult until the following summer when school/college finishes.

The state considers them adult on their 18th birthday. It’s completely immaterial how they’re spending their time.

I think the poster captured it beautifully in one sentence when she said:

"It's an evolution not a revolution"

The gradual transition approach worked well for us.

Grounding an 18 yo is the most ridiculous thing I've read on this thread. I'd be pretty disappointed if my 18 yos were immature enough to require grounding as adults. They are adults at 18 whether some people want to admit it or not. Even now at 14 and 16 we discuss things and compromise. They have never required grounding yet. They are not angels but we all have respect for each other, they get lots of freedom but if there is something I really don't want them to do we will discuss it. To say no just because I said so is not appropriate for teens if you want them to grow into respectful young adults.

There's plenty of time for them to prove me completely wrong still and maybe I'll take back everything I've said on here!

@PugInTheHouse I wonder whether it’s technically legal to ground an 18-year-old? I don’t know the answer, but I think it wouldn’t be?!

Seems daft to me anyway.

@Cameleongirl I imagine it's legal but seems ridiculous to do so.

Lots of variables there ,when birthdays lie etc and not everyone is in full time education some will be doing apprenticeship, s etc .

Still falls into the same category as someone trying to 'ground' their spouse, to me anyway.

My son is nearly 16 he's been sending himself to bed since he was about 10 ,if it's a school night I remind him not to stay up to late and he's always pretty sensible about it.

My darling Dad sat me down and told me that as an adult I should make my own decisions. He hoped I would seek their advice, given their extensive life experience, and he would always attempt to catch me if I fell, or at least help me back up, but as an adult it was important to stretch my wings.

Your Dad was a very wise man.

Why do people have this bizarre notion that on their 18th birthday they are a fully fledged adult who can do whatever they want?

Possibly because with earlier generations they were considered a fully fledged adult. I started work three weeks after my 16th birthday, and while I still lived at home for a while my parents did treat me as an adult and certainly didn't impose any rules on me. By 17 I was staying with a married friend (who had a baby just after her 18th birthday) and my parents didn't have a clue what I was doing. They were loving and caring, but presumably trusted me - and that's how it was in that era.

My dd is 18 in oct too and tbh the change has already happened. She's been working and at college for the past year, she's taking control of her own future now and she's slowly starting to appreciate us and change from 'teenager' mode. She has been extremely difficult as a teenager so it's nice to have a break from all the hell.

Just to add I think there's an element of parental change too. You have to recognise that you can't decide what they're doing with their life, or tell them what to do etc. that's happened here over the past year too.

I wonder if there is a correlation between helicopter parenting older teens and parents who post on the WIWIKAU Facebook page about sobbing all summer at the thought of their adult children leaving home to go to university.