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Original poster

To ask if DC actually become adults on their 18th birthday

139 replies

EttieWarbler · 27/09/2022 09:08

It's often said on here "they're an adult, it's their choice/decision" in response to someone asking about something daft or dangerous their DC is doing.

Now I know that in the eyes of the Law they're adults (except for uni funding of course) but how do you deal with them waking up on their 18th birthday an adult?

DD turns 18 in October and I'm pondering ...

OP posts:
50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 10:35

Blossomtoes · 27/09/2022 18:43

The state considers them adult on their 18th birthday. It’s completely immaterial how they’re spending their time.

Show quote history

Of course it's not immaterial, how daft.

An 18 year old living in their own place, working and paying bills is not at all the same thing as an 18 year old living at home, going to school, and getting pocket money.
The former is much more of an adult than the latter.

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 10:41

An 18 year old living in their own place, working and paying bills is not at all the same thing as an 18 year old living at home, going to school, and getting pocket money.
The former is much more of an adult than the latter.

They're exactly the same in the legal definition of an adult which is what blossomtoes was saying. There aren't many these days that are lucky enough to be in the position of the former in your example; it doesn't mean that 18 years should be treated any different legally to other adults.

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 10:47

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 10:41

An 18 year old living in their own place, working and paying bills is not at all the same thing as an 18 year old living at home, going to school, and getting pocket money.
The former is much more of an adult than the latter.

They're exactly the same in the legal definition of an adult which is what blossomtoes was saying. There aren't many these days that are lucky enough to be in the position of the former in your example; it doesn't mean that 18 years should be treated any different legally to other adults.

and what I'm saying is the legal definition is completely immaterial.

And I would argue that the latter are the far luckier ones.

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 10:50

and what I'm saying is the legal definition is completely immaterial

Not when it comes to their freedoms, whether they get grounded or not etc. Someone on this thread has said they ground their 18 year old. How can anyone ground someone who is legally an adult? I view that as the same as a person trying to 'ground' their spouse, or telling them what they are allowed to do. And that is controlling, and abusive. IMO anyway.

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 11:06

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 10:50

and what I'm saying is the legal definition is completely immaterial

Not when it comes to their freedoms, whether they get grounded or not etc. Someone on this thread has said they ground their 18 year old. How can anyone ground someone who is legally an adult? I view that as the same as a person trying to 'ground' their spouse, or telling them what they are allowed to do. And that is controlling, and abusive. IMO anyway.

What has the law got to do with how parents treat their children in their own home? What law says you can ground a 17 year old and not an 18 year old? What law says that I can't impose my rules on anyone living in my house?

It is not controlling or abusive to parent an 18 year old, in secondary school, living in my house who I provide everything for, and your ideas are beyond bizarre.

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 11:14

@50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself I wouldn't ground a 17 yr old either but that is how I feel. And I do feel that when someone is 18, given that legally someone is an adult, it goes from being 'parenting' to being control. If your spouse does something you aren't happy with, would you call it reasonable to control whether they can then leave the house?

We clearly feel differently, and I suspect you don't like that others like me may view it as controlling/abusive, but that's my opinion. I don't think you can tell an adult what they can do or whether they can leave the house. That's utterly bizarre to me.

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 11:20

And I do feel that when someone is 18, given that legally someone is an adult, it goes from being 'parenting' to being control

That's crazy. So y8ou spend 18 years parenting your child, then on their 18th birthday you say "no, you're an adult now, you can do whatever you want and if I say a word its controlling you". And then they go to school, come home and you make them dinner, same as any other day. So weird.

If your spouse does something you aren't happy with, would you call it reasonable to control whether they can then leave the house?

One would hope you can tell the difference between spouses and children, and know that this is a ridiculous comparison.

It is by no means controlling or abusive to parent an 18 year old. One could just as easily say it is cruel and neglectful to refuse to be a parent once your child reaches 18. I would not be so rude as to comment on your parenting in the same way you feel comfortable commenting on others though.

Octomore · 28/09/2022 11:21

What has the law got to do with how parents treat their children in their own home?... What law says that I can't impose my rules on anyone living in my house?

Christ, would you listen to yourself? Those are the sorts of thing abusers say.

The law has quite a lot to say about how people treat other adults. Controlling and coercive behaviour is classed as abuse when it's between two partners.

You are perfectly entitled to have house rules, and to ask your child to leave if they don't agree to them. But you do not have the right to control the movements of another adult.

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 11:22

@50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself your general tone really says a lot. I feel for your children. And echo @Octomore's comments.

Octomore · 28/09/2022 11:23

One would hope you can tell the difference between spouses and children, and know that this is a ridiculous comparison.

It's not a ridiculous comparison. You do not own your children, they are independent human beings in their own right, just like your spouse is.

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 11:24

My general tone says I care about my children and don't abandon them when the clock strikes on their 18th, so there is really no need to weep for them.

They'll be a lot better off than yours.

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 11:24

I would not be so rude as to comment on your parenting in the same way you feel comfortable commenting on others though.

Keep telling yourself that controlling a legal adult is 'parenting'. It's not what I would call it.

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 11:25

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 11:24

My general tone says I care about my children and don't abandon them when the clock strikes on their 18th, so there is really no need to weep for them.

They'll be a lot better off than yours.

Oh dear 😂 some people are able to 'parent', post 18 as well btw, without resorting to controlling behaviour?

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 11:25

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 11:24

I would not be so rude as to comment on your parenting in the same way you feel comfortable commenting on others though.

Keep telling yourself that controlling a legal adult is 'parenting'. It's not what I would call it.

I don't control them, and I haven't sais at any time I do.

You have so much time for conjecture when you given up on parenting, I guess?

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 11:26

What law says that I can't impose my rules on anyone living in my house?

Sounds quite controlling to me.

Octomore · 28/09/2022 11:27

So you spend 18 years parenting your child, then on their 18th birthday you say "no, you're an adult now, you can do whatever you want and if I say a word its controlling you".

No, you spend 18 years gradually building their independence, so that by the time they're 17 or so, they are only coming to you for guidance or advice rather than being dictated to by you. The day before they turn 18 should be much the same as the day after.

A parent who is still mainly telling their child what to do, rather than giving advice, at age 17 has probably fucked up pretty badly (obviously excluding SEN etc.)

Octomore · 28/09/2022 11:27

So you spend 18 years parenting your child, then on their 18th birthday you say "no, you're an adult now, you can do whatever you want and if I say a word its controlling you".

No, you spend 18 years gradually building their independence, so that by the time they're 17 or so, they are only coming to you for guidance or advice rather than being dictated to by you. The day before they turn 18 should be much the same as the day after.

A parent who is still mainly telling their child what to do, rather than giving advice, at age 17 has probably fucked up pretty badly (obviously excluding SEN etc.)

YennefersDress · 28/09/2022 11:29

*No, you spend 18 years gradually building their independence, so that by the time they're 17 or so, they are only coming to you for guidance or advice rather than being dictated to by you. The day before they turn 18 should be much the same as the day after.

A parent who is still mainly telling their child what to do, rather than giving advice, at age 17 has probably fucked up pretty badly (obviously excluding SEN etc.)*

This, surely?! Agree completely @Octomore

PugInTheHouse · 28/09/2022 11:45

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 11:24

My general tone says I care about my children and don't abandon them when the clock strikes on their 18th, so there is really no need to weep for them.

They'll be a lot better off than yours.

Not one person has said DCs are abandoned on their 18th birthday, I am 42 and my parents still offer advice and help me out. I am more than capable of being independent from them of course but that's what loving families do. What they haven't done from about 16 yo is control when I go out, when I go to bed, whether I have my phone at night, what I spend money on and they certainly didn't ground me. They spent the years teaching me how to become an independent adult meaning as an older teen they didn't need to control me.

I have hopefully been doing the same with my boys, so far so good.

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 11:49

Not one person has said DCs are abandoned on their 18th birthday

And I haven't said I control mine, but apparently people are just reading what they want to....

BadNomad · 28/09/2022 11:51

Spot the mothers who summon their 30-year-old sons home to move furniture and paint ceilings.

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 28/09/2022 11:53

BadNomad · 28/09/2022 11:51

Spot the mothers who summon their 30-year-old sons home to move furniture and paint ceilings.

More like spot the mothers whose sons move furniture happily without being summoned...good, caring, happy sons (and daughters, they can lift too you know) raised well by loving parents.

BadNomad · 28/09/2022 12:03

Are you new to MN? Have you missed all the threads from women posting about their gutless DHs running home as soon as their mother demand their attention? Dropping their wives and children in the process.

That is what "parenting" beyond childhood looks like. The rest of us call that controlling.

iolaus · 28/09/2022 12:10

To be honest when they turned 18 they were still in education so the 'be in by a certain time on school nights' was kept even without us saying it (if they had argued it I think I'd have let it go providing they were sensible - it was more you have to be up and out of the house at 7.30 tomorrow so make sure you get enough sleep)

The curfew otherwise was 'let me know when/if you are coming back so I don't worry and don't wake everyone up'

Things like dentist/doctor/haircuts it's more 'have you made an appointment?' rather than 'I've made you an appointment' - with their covid jabs etc it was 'do you want me to come? - but that was at 16/17+ I did that - and it was 'give me a lift but wait in the car'

Buzzinwithbez · 28/09/2022 12:15

Human brains aren't fully mature until around age 25.
Add to that that these 18 year olds had lockdowns aged 15-17 and missed out on a lot of the teenage stuff that happens then. They may have some catching up to do.
Mine feels old before his time but I'm really hoping he takes an extra year before uni rather than plunging himself into getting to juggle the finances of that.