I'm an embarrassment and ashamed of who I am

[Echobeachfarawayintime]

I'm 31 and don't drive because I've failed a grand total of 9 driving tests.
I'd like to try automatic but can't afford it atm, plus I'm just scared of failing yet again. I failed due to nerves mainly and so making silly mistakes, I have propranolol now on prescription which helps with these symptoms but as I said I can't afford the lessons atm.
Nowhere near to owning a house, most people do by my age (except for the people I know in London) but it's another thing that makes me ashamed.
I have a Degree and Postgraduate qualification, they're one of the few things I'm proud of.
I earn 23.5k currently, I do enjoy my work but I always compare myself with people my age who are all on at least 30k ish and have been promoted. I'm applying for 30k jobs so hopefully I'll be successful.
Again many people by my age are married or at least engaged. I've got a partner who I've been with for 2.5 years, but he's 27 so I know it won't be Happening anytime soon, if ever.
I've got 1.8k credit card debt which I know is my own fault. I feel pressure to pay this off as well as save for a deposit, driving, pension and everything else.
I don't have many friends anymore or hear from many people. I have moved around jobs a lot which doesn't help. I will do, I've just started a Meetup, it will just take time.
I'm too into my looks, I am happy with how I look but feel a constant pressure to maintain myself. I'm very sensitive and take things to heart sometimes, but I'm really trying to build a thicker skin.
I just feel this huge sense of shame and like I'm a joke. I don't know where to start to improve things.

Anyway I'm planning to ring a GP tomorrow. My mental state is so poor. I find societal expectations hard and feel that people are always judging you in life.

Sorry to hear this OP 🌺 have you tried counselling at all? Do you think that’ll help?

You’re learning to drive, renting (?) a house, earning money from your job, clearly intelligent, in a relationship and happy with your looks.

Sounds pretty good to me!

I am so sorry to hear this

i can relate

I used to drive but now can’t due to mental health issues which cross into physical.

I hope you get some help and a solution.

I also have this anxiety that I should have tens of thousands of savings in the bank, which I don't. I'm now accounting for every penny I spend and doing some financial planning for the next couple of months, I hope it will help.
I would like counselling but not sure how easy it is to get this on the nhs? It must be a long waiting list?

Omg, don't worry! It's just driving. I don't drive and get by fine. Nobody tells me I should spend a fortune running a car.

Being kind to yourself. You don't owe it to anybody to drive.

No one is judging you as harshly as you judge yourself. Most folk are busy getting through the day with their own challenges to worry too much about what you earn, who you’re with etc.

The way to move forward is to stop comparing yourself to others, and to trust they’re not comparing you unfavourable either.

Thank you everyone. I keep crying and I have had dark thoughts. I also go through phases of having obsessive and intrusive thoughts that I don't want, they can take over my life for days and they're irrational, I guess it's a symptom of ocd.
We have a nice city centre flat that I do really like living in. And utility bills included so in this time of life we're incredibly lucky!! But there's constant pressure to buy, buy, buy.

I did have therapy (not in the uk) and she really helped me be more self compassionate to myself.
Kirsten neff phd and christopher germer phd have a really good work book.
I am easier on myself now. Being easier on yourself doesn't meant that your standards fall! I think it makes you braver cos you feel you can cope if things don't go smoothly.

Some friends have made jokes about me not being able to drive.
One made a sly dig "I guess you'll know transport better than anybody"
And one said "Oh wow, I don't know how you cope with trains." Like we're some sort of peasants slumming it.
There are endless threads on here about how it's a 'basic life skill' and that you're essentially a loser if you don't drive.

Yeah. It's hard. Social media has a lot to answer for. 50 years ago you wouldn't have had much of a clue what all the people you went to school with ended up doing and how successful they were. You wouldn't get people staging their houses, their meals, their cars etc for everyone to look at, but you do now there's Instagram! Nothing you see there is as real as it seems. And I bet you that all your school friends who got married and bought houses have so much debt!

As for the driving, some people can't drive. It's not something to feel deep shame over. Some people's brains just don't work that way. Some people are too anxious to test and so they keep failing. Those people are so brave to keep trying to beat their anxiety. My close friend took her driving test 12 times before she passed because she is such an anxious person. It's not uncommon, but you won't see loads of people posting about it, because that's not something that's going to get them followers.

You've nothing to be embarrassed about. The majority of people your age don't own homes and many never will. I don't think you're focusing on the right things. There are successes scattered all through your life, I bet. Don't let your opinion of what you should be doing ruin your perception of the things you have done already.

So sorry to read this. You sound lovely. I think counselling might help, but (I'm so sorry if this sounds patronising, it's only meant with good intentions) I wonder if you might think about volunteering for a charity, helping others, etc. It might help you get things in perspective. Think about something you might feel passionate about, homelessness, young people, refugees, etc...

Thank you, I'll take a look at them. I keep feeling like I'm a bad person.

Nobody is judging you. I’m 42 and I only learned this recently. People only really think about themselves. They might have a passing thought on the things you’re paranoid about or being them up as conversation starters but it’s not something that keeps them up at night. The important thing about having a partner is not age it’s being with the right person. If they’re wrong you’re both better single. It’s not so bad to care about your looks. You have qualifications and a job and cars are bloody expensive. Gigantic hugs op, I have a lot of the same thoughts as you and I’m married to my better half with 4 kickass kids! I go the long way about everything, I mess stuff up and all my instincts are wrong except with the kids. I can’t cook and today we drove around forever because I can’t parallel park. BUT, I’m positive, try my best and I’m funny (I think!!) . I’ve also written 6 books that I slate but am secretly so proud of! Again huge hugs, hope you figure yourself out. Go easy on yourself

I can’t drive (failed 3 times) and given up as my confidence is gone! I have now accepted I’m a non driver for environmental and financial reasons! 😉it’s different obvs if you feel you would benefit from driving but don’t feel like you should drive as it’s an expectation in life. The planet would thank you!

Hugs one bit at a time get §h§el- with anxiety etc first break your debt into manage chunks. Forget the driving for now you’re not a failure at all.

Yes maybe, I've done volunteer work before and it's a good idea really, it could also be a way for me to meet new people.
You should see the looks I get when I tell people I've failed 9 times. Just stood there with their mouths wide open and trying not to laugh (or even just laughing). I just don't volunteer that info now.

You're doing absolutely fine.

Ps, I've listened to a lot of books about shame on audible, I do think shame is so imbued in to us that it took about 5 books on shame before I began to naturally reject shame.

The Only pressure and judgement is coming from you - be kinder to yourself

I’m 5 years your senior, got married not very long ago. Have no degree or postgrad: or anything post GSCE - so much so I’m currently studying a level 3 to get something on paper:
We have 30k debt between us, plus mortgage. I do not lose sleep over any of these things, they just ‘are’ they don’t define me or us as people.

I keep feeling like I'm a bad person.

How was your childhood?

Thank you. It's certainly better for the environment and running a car would be expensive for me.
With regard to owning a house, I'm basically expecting to be working until I'm 80 and then out on the streets as I'll be unable to pay rent.

You're doing better than me OP, try and not compare yourself to others your age (even though I just did exactly that 😂). Honestly although it would be nice to make a lot of money, I think you've won the lottery if you enjoy your job. That's half the battle. You have a degree and a post grad, you are obviously very intelligent. Don't even give the driving another thought until you are in the position to start driving lessons again, as many times as it takes and it is very normal to be nervous in these situations. If you are able to access any type of therapy then please do. If you are not able to access therapy then could you buy a few self help books for building self esteem? I'm very much like you from what you've wrote and one of the things I found that helped me was being kind to myself in all situations. I ask myself, 'would I say this to my friend?' If my friend failed a test or made a mistake would I say to her, 'you are so fucking stupid, no wonder no one likes you, fucking idiot'...eh no I would not, so why in the world would I speak to myself like that? It really helped me. Good luck op

This might not help but I can't drive either, not everyone can. Its a pretty complex skill that involves multiple decisions and good reflexes, and I just don't have the right skill set. There are other things I can do well, and thats true for you too.
I try to focus on developing skills, and not worrying on what other people think.

Is it social anxiety? That can be helped with CBT.

What do YOU want from life? Not what you think other people think you should do or have , but you personally.