I'm an embarrassment and ashamed of who I am

[Echobeachfarawayintime]

I'm 31 and don't drive because I've failed a grand total of 9 driving tests.
I'd like to try automatic but can't afford it atm, plus I'm just scared of failing yet again. I failed due to nerves mainly and so making silly mistakes, I have propranolol now on prescription which helps with these symptoms but as I said I can't afford the lessons atm.
Nowhere near to owning a house, most people do by my age (except for the people I know in London) but it's another thing that makes me ashamed.
I have a Degree and Postgraduate qualification, they're one of the few things I'm proud of.
I earn 23.5k currently, I do enjoy my work but I always compare myself with people my age who are all on at least 30k ish and have been promoted. I'm applying for 30k jobs so hopefully I'll be successful.
Again many people by my age are married or at least engaged. I've got a partner who I've been with for 2.5 years, but he's 27 so I know it won't be Happening anytime soon, if ever.
I've got 1.8k credit card debt which I know is my own fault. I feel pressure to pay this off as well as save for a deposit, driving, pension and everything else.
I don't have many friends anymore or hear from many people. I have moved around jobs a lot which doesn't help. I will do, I've just started a Meetup, it will just take time.
I'm too into my looks, I am happy with how I look but feel a constant pressure to maintain myself. I'm very sensitive and take things to heart sometimes, but I'm really trying to build a thicker skin.
I just feel this huge sense of shame and like I'm a joke. I don't know where to start to improve things.

Thank you for that.
I know the debt isn't that high in the grand scheme of things, but my partner is really worried about it and thinks people shouldn't have more than about 200 quid on a card if possible. It's another thing that's making me feel ashamed so I'm trying to get it paid off asap. I'm selling my electric bike now if I can in order to hopefully gain a few hundred pounds.

John Bradshaw has some great very easy to listen to books about healing from shame. People sharing their stories, I found a lot of what I listened to very soothing.

Hey OP. So sorry you’re struggling. Just here to say you are still so young! I have OCD too, just diagnosed this year. There’s some great resources and books out there which are super cheap on kindle etc. the thoughts you’re having aren’t a reflection on you. You sound like you have lots going for you, and you still have years ahead of potential driving if that’s something you want.

forget anyone who gives you any kind of look when you tell them about not passing yet or how many times. It’s no one’s business but your own, I can’t stand any kind of pressure and I’ve found a coping strategy that works for me is I don’t tell anyone anything - if I’m up for a job, waiting for news etc. i tell my husband but that’s it, I find it takes the pressure off.

I agree with the previous posters; social media, I think, has screwed our generation and the generation below over, if I am honest. It's made us more than ever compared to everyone else. I'm a couple of years younger, but I do get it.

The thing is, I can see that you are determined to do all these things, but you need to take one step at a time. First, I would say it is to get rid of any debt before trying to save for a property; it's easier to keep for a house without having debt; make sure you don't let it default or have missed payments as they stay on your file for years.

Is there any chance of upskilling in the future with your qualifications? What do you do (if you don't mind me asking)?

Also, with driving, don't worry about how many tests it can take; maybe change to an automatic when you can afford it. You've come so far already; giving up is no point.

I have friends with children, and they're not in happy relationships, or they have broken up. Most are struggling; I have to wait for a couple of years, and whilst seeing the children makes me broody, I want to ensure I can provide.

Finally, you are making positive steps by getting help from the doctors, don't forget that, and things can get better 👍

Thank you, I'll have a look at him.
I do need to eliminate this feeling of shame.
I speak other languages and I've lived abroad, I should be proud of these things and I am.
My work isn't permanent, it's in agency settings and so I move around different places. This seems to give some people a giggle for some reason and I really don't get why! Just because it's not a conventional way of working.

These kind words and advice are really helping me and bringing me strength.

OP have you ever considered that you could have adhd? A quick online quiz can give you an indication.

Yes I have considered it, maybe I'll redo the quiz. My partner has it and has been diagnosed.

Oh sweetheart!!
No advice as such as lots of posters have commented, but I'm sure you're lovely! I don't drive either, only have a couple of A Levels, am on my own (widowed) and am sure we all have these 'I am useless' feelings at times.
You just need a little bit of help, that's all! Yes, contact your GP, there could be waiting lists, if so, consider hypnotherapy. I think that would suit you down to the ground. HUGE hugs! xx

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down. If it's any consolation, I genuinely failed my test around 12 times, I think I passed on my 13th attempt but I can't say for certain as I lost count. 😂 I used to get extremely nervous, it was the fear of being monitored/judged/assessed but I got to a point where I stopped caring as "I'm only going to fail again anyway" and that was the time I passed.

Also, I know it's much easier said than done, but so much of my own unhappiness (and it sounds like yours too) comes from comparing myself with others. If you always focus on what you don't have, you will never be happy. Have you thought about keeping a gratitude journal? I find it helpful, appreciating what I do have instead of lamenting what I don't and reframing negative thoughts into positive ones. So for instance:

1. You are a determined person, some people would give up after 2 or 3 failures, but you are resilient and that is an amazing quality to have.

2. You have a post grad qualification - that is amazing! You are clearly bright and fortunate to have access to advanced education.

3. You enjoy your work, that is such a blessing. Too many people are stuck in jobs they hate as they pay the bills, so to enjoy what you do is a real gift.

I won't waffle on any more but I hope this has helped even in a small way. Best of luck x

I passed on my 8th attempt 15 years ago.
Just keep going. You'll get there eventually.

Honestly the people around you sound very narrow minded, laughing about your job or you not driving. I live in London and barely anyone I know drives - I’m older than you and know people in their late 30s and 40s who haven’t passed their test. Speaking another language is a far more impressive skill than driving as far as I’m concerned! But other PP are right, nobody is really taking any notice or caring what you’re doing. If people are making comments they’re probably unhappy in their own life and projecting

OP, again if someone is giggling about you moving around with an agency then frankly they sound silly.
something I’ve learned so so much in the last few years is to have a small number of people you admire and only take work/ career advice from them. The others don’t know your skill set, area of work or career aspirations. Maybe get a mentor at work or someone aligned to your work area, that made a huge difference for me

OP, life isn't a series of tick boxes or Brownie badges to collect. Life is about trying to be happy and move towards the goals that are important to you.
Forget about what other people may or may not have achieved. If no one else could drive, owned a house or earned more than you, would you still care? Or would you be content to be an attractive young women in a happy relationship with a decent job and your future ahead of you? Because for many the life you already have is living the dream.
As for the driving, in your shoes I'd just own it as a quirk. So you don't find driving easy. So what? We all have things we struggle with. There are options in the future, intensive courses and so on. Or just be a non driver. Its not the end of the world. Just never admit it on here!😉

The more I read about your skill set , the more I realise how bloody talented you are
You speak other languages. Now that is very impressive

Think carefully before selling your electric bike. It’s probably a good alternative to driving for lots of journeys.

None of the things you’ve detailed are worthy of judgement. Sounds like you’re doing your best in a tricky world.

You are being incredibly hard on yourself and if you were my child I would want you to slow down and not to be so harsh on yourself

you have achieved a lot academically, there is no timeline for buying a house…is there?

See, I wished I could have learnt how to speak other languages! I mean, I have chances on my course, but at the same time, I have too much other stuff on.

Is there any chance you could monetise your skills online via Youtube or sell your services online? I don't know much about this sector, but I think having access to learning to upskill is something people would want to do, especially in this current crisis.

I want to give you the biggest hug.

You sound like the world is your oyster.and have everything you need to have a great life.

Please stop being so hard on yourself.

I used to suffer from terrible anxiety and feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

Hypnotherapy really helped me. I only needed a couple of sessions to realise that I am good enough.

Try and get the help you need to realise you are good enough too ❤️

I have a fairly eclectic group of friends with widely ranging incomes, jobs and positions in life. No one judges negatively anyones ability to drive, home rental vrs ownerships or appearance. Your friends don’t sound very nice if they are making comments about the train etc.

I passed mine on the 10th time. I just kept going. That was many years ago and I've been happily driving with no problems ever since.

Does your instructor think you can pass?

If its just test nerves, keep going.

Lots of people are in the same boat, or similar, there’s no ‘right way’ to live your life, there’s no competition. Someone at 31 might be married and you’re not, but at 40 that person could be divorced whist you’re engaged. The race is only with yourself.

I’m in my late twenties and I still rent, I don’t know how I’ll ever afford to buy, but I just can’t get the money together, and that’s okay, 99% of my friends own their own houses, but they’ve been given deposits by family members, whereas I haven’t, everyone is different and starts at a different point and learns from their own experiences.

Counseling that you have to save up for and join the waiting list isn’t very much good to you why don’t you try calling the Samaritans and just talking it through you don’t have to be a crisis point on the verge of ending it all to pick up the phone and talk to them.

Hi OP.

This is exactly how depression started out for me. Similar thought processes that you are describing. Really deep feelings of shame and inadequacy, coupled with anxiety and sadness. Being excessively hard on myself.

I didn’t reach out to my GP, or to anyone actually, and my depression got worse really quickly. I’m glad to read that you’ve made an appointment with your GP.

Many Londoners don’t drive at all, as public transport is so reasonable!
Many people aren’t confident drivers, the least confident in our family passed first go ( women) and the most confident ( Men) took up to three times.
An automatic sounds ideal-
I hate gears! But passed in a manual.
Haven’t really driven an automatic, but they are so say much better for nervous drivers.