I'm an embarrassment and ashamed of who I am

[Echobeachfarawayintime]

I'm 31 and don't drive because I've failed a grand total of 9 driving tests.
I'd like to try automatic but can't afford it atm, plus I'm just scared of failing yet again. I failed due to nerves mainly and so making silly mistakes, I have propranolol now on prescription which helps with these symptoms but as I said I can't afford the lessons atm.
Nowhere near to owning a house, most people do by my age (except for the people I know in London) but it's another thing that makes me ashamed.
I have a Degree and Postgraduate qualification, they're one of the few things I'm proud of.
I earn 23.5k currently, I do enjoy my work but I always compare myself with people my age who are all on at least 30k ish and have been promoted. I'm applying for 30k jobs so hopefully I'll be successful.
Again many people by my age are married or at least engaged. I've got a partner who I've been with for 2.5 years, but he's 27 so I know it won't be Happening anytime soon, if ever.
I've got 1.8k credit card debt which I know is my own fault. I feel pressure to pay this off as well as save for a deposit, driving, pension and everything else.
I don't have many friends anymore or hear from many people. I have moved around jobs a lot which doesn't help. I will do, I've just started a Meetup, it will just take time.
I'm too into my looks, I am happy with how I look but feel a constant pressure to maintain myself. I'm very sensitive and take things to heart sometimes, but I'm really trying to build a thicker skin.
I just feel this huge sense of shame and like I'm a joke. I don't know where to start to improve things.

You sound very sorted OP. I didn't get married until 39 (hadn't met the right person) and didn't do my degree equivalent qualification until my 30s. I am older and was lucky enough to get on the property ladder when it was affordable - but right now I think many people will struggle with rising interest rates, and biding your time may not be a bad thing.

But please don't let the driving thing cause you angst! As PPs have said, many people never bother, especially if you live in a town or city with good public transport. Few Londoners have cars! But of course if you want to pass then I sympathise with your struggles - but you will get there. My brother is a great driver and has been driving up and down the country for decades - but for some reason he failed his test 7 or 8 times when he was young. There are so many variables - nerves, outside factors, the examiners mood, one-off incidents - I think there is a huge amount of luck involved. If you want to - keep trying, and you'll succeed in the end! Good luck!

At least you passed your theory test OP. I can't bring myself to do mine as I fear I'll fail.
Having had similar thoughts to you, I went to the doctor and she listened and sent me off to group therapy which is/was available on the NHS.
It absolutely saved my life.
A lot was happening at once and I'm the sort to keep going , which catches up with you.

The pther thing that helped my sanity was coming off Instagram and Facebook. Everyone seemed to have perfect lives and even though we all know no one is perfect, it's hard not to compare yourself when you have those images at your fingertips.

Be kind to yourself OP, you're doing much better than a lot ofpeople.

The serenity prayer was another big help.

There's light at the end of the tunnel. ((Hugs)).

I know someone who is 38, single, lives at home and in low paid work with very little hours. Also doesn't drive. Doesn't help you I know but could always be worse.
Also. What you describe is not really successs and can change very quickly. Nothing is set in stone. Just because someone has it all doesn't mean they always will.

I could have written this exact post this time last year. Turned out that a lot of it was down to undiagnosed OCD, which is now managed pretty well with citalopram and CBT.

I know that it doesn't feel like it now, but it's all down to your mindset. There's probably way more people around who are worse off than you, but you have tunnel vision and are placing your entire worth and self esteem on whether you match up to the minority who have the perfect IG life.

I'm incredibly jealous that you live in the city centre!

Pffft, it's really common to screw up a bit and have a bit of a messed up head in your twenties. You didn't fail your degree, you don't have a messy divorce in your past, no addictions. The cc debt is pretty small by today's appalling standards!

Take regular exercise - that REALLY helps sort your head out. C25k or swim every day in the morning, something like that.
Go to the GP too.
Be strict about bedtimes, screen time, three square meals with fruit and veg - if a chimp in the zoo were staying up watching cartoons until the wee hours and eating chips, they'd not be well - look after yourself like the mammal you are.
Make a budget and do a bit of planning. Task 1, pay off c/c, task 2, pension, savings etc.
Think of three possible avenues to make a bit more cash - extra hours? Promotion? Bit of dog walking/babysitting in the evenings / filling in surveys blah blah?

Revisit the driving thing when you're less stressed in a year or so (and have eased things financially). Book a few lessons then a test in an automatic somewhere in the back of beyond with no traffic.

Look, you may well feel a mess now. But you can, trust me, untangle it all and go on to live a solvent, happy, and self sufficient life.

In my mid 20s I had debt, depression, a bad situation, really not a happy bunny at all. By 30 I had a driving license, new location, new job, pension and savings started, head mainly sorted. Got better from then on.

Hang on in there kid, you can do it.

I think you need new friends! Friends are supposed to lift you up, not bring you down!

CBT would be a good option. Waiting lists depend on where you live. Definitely worth getting your name down.

You need a plan. Things that you want to change, why they bother you/why you want to change and how you can change them or at least change your thinking. Short and long term goals.

FWIW you sound really smart and lovely.

I'm 32 and can't seem to past my driving test either been trying on and off since 2018 but pregnancies and covid and many failures haven't helped. I'm taking some time away from it to try and forget the anxiety I have built around it and plan for it to be my focus in the latter part of 2023.

Totally get the feelings of failure because you are reminded whenever you have to go anyway that you can't drive!

Also think about what you would say to a friend who said all of the things that you have said. You wouldn’t call them a failure just because they don’t own a house or drive a car. What would you say?

Oh and agree that at least 50% of the people you meet are snarky about you not driving, I find it so embarrassing I have felt suicidal after failing I don't think people get it

I understand what it is to feel like this, OP! I feel like it quite often.
Alot easier said than done, but it It's not helpful to base your worth on outside gains.
You are worth something no matter what and your worth doesn't increase or decrease with achievements.
Therapy might help, but I've found that going to a local Buddhist centre helped me because we talk about our mental states and finding happiness within. No religion at all unless you want to take that.
I've had therapy too and that was incredibly helpful but I've needed in depth stuff because of my shitty attainment based childhood that was full of criticism.

You are being so hard on yourself. You have amazing qualifications. You have a job. You are in a good healthy relationship. You have a few friends. You look after your looks. You are expecting too much of yourself. Relax and enjoy your relationship. Driving is no big deal. Btw an automatic does make driving so much easier as no dreaded gears to negotiate. Keep focusing on your job applications. Try to make time for meeting up with friends. Take control of your anxiety level. Remember some people have no job, take drugs, abuse alcohol, have no relationship or no friends and no money to even feed themselves. Compared to some you are doing very well.

Stop giving a shit about what other people think of you OP, and work out what you really think of yourself.

Sort that out. If life has taught me anything it's that other people's opinions are worth absolutely jack shit.

Want to spend your life being poor and contended on a barge? Fine. Want to spend your life doimg diddly squat being well looked after by a bloke who earns loads of cash and worships you? Crack on. Want to spend your life doing cool shit other people will admire? Totally fair game.

Thing is, there'll always be someone who made a different choice and thinks your choice is wrong. You can't be everything. So pick your thing, and do it.

Me, I'm pushing 40, fat, live in the arse end of nowhere, have minimal friends and a slightly crap sex life.
On the other hand, I have a job I really care about, a garden that I like poking about in, a husband and son who do my head in but equally wouldn't change for the world, and get to stomp up mountains most weekends. Wouldn't float many people's boats, and its not perfect, but it suits me pretty well ta.

Its also worth mentioning that at 32 (so 7 years ago) I had a lovely boyfriend, a cheap flat in London, and bugger all else. A lot can change in a short time. Focus on your priorities, live your life for you, and the rest will come.

Oh wow you speak other languages too. You are very successful in my book.

OP it sounds to me like you have built up a well functioning adult life there for yourself. You have proper academic qualifications, a home (no matter about owning or renting - we're only on earth temporarily anyway so nobody really owns anything), a relationship, a job. And a wee bit of debt but ... meh. That's, what, a month's wage worth? I mean, do pay it off but it's not a calamity.

You are judging yourself most harshly though. This is quite a common thing but it's not a lot of fun to experience, as you are finding. Self checking can be a useful regulatory tool but with you it's getting in the way of enjoying all the very real good things that you have worked hard to put in place for yourself.

I wonder if it would help to keep a gratitude diary, just to try and nudge your thinking towards totting up all the many ways in which you take care of yourself and your life and the ways in which you keep it going.

You're doing great though OP, you really really are.

Delete social media !!! I know you don't mention it but I used to compare, compare, compare too and social media just fuels it all. Delete it.

You are putting yourself into a mental competition with other people in every aspect of your life eg clothes, housing, financial life. You may be comparing in real life or in social media. Once you understand you are "Putting yourself into a competition" you will learn to step back and accept yourself eg your weight, body shape, house, car, money, relationship. Others may be competitive and compare themselves to you and make horrid remarks and enhance their own self feeling eg the clothes they wear, the house they live in or the area they live in or life achievements, Comparing can make a person feel better or worse with self esteem.
As regards your driving there may be an underlying reason for failing eg dyslexia, dyspraxia, asd (difficulty comprehending particular info) or something along those lines where your anxiety becomes extremely exascerbated as you do not know where your weakness lies. Then you beat yourself up in your own about failing again.
I look at how other people have achieved higher promotions and often it is because of someone they engaged with higher up the social ladder or the group they mixed in. Hard work is important but others are using influence or social contacts to get higher up. Where you live and go out with may be expensive and the people you mix with may have more disposable frivoulous income unless they have dependencies or children.
Seeing an effective counsellor can change your outlook help you to deal with life.
Please let us know how things turn out in the future. Good luck. and a Hug.

I passed 3rd time. I changed the way I did the exam the third time in that the first 2 times I drove to the test centre and I didn't have my instructor in the car with me the first two times. The third time I got my instructor to drive there and he sat in the back as I took my test.
You will pass, may be you just need to make changes.
Keep going even if its just automatic. Xx

You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. I think it’s a good idea to ring the GP tomorrow like you’ve mentioned. Stop comparing yourself to others, you’ll be so much happier. You have a degree and a job you enjoy so you’re clearly doing well. Getting a 30k a year job won’t suddenly make you happy if you’re always comparing yourself to the next person. Im also bad at driving I haven’t passed a test yet, I get too anxious. You are not alone. You’re far from a joke. By what you’ve described you’re doing pretty well!

I'm over ten years older than you OP and can't drive. I genuinely admire your perseverance in trying to learn (I've only sat one test). That takes determination and courage. You should be proud of your efforts.

As for salary etc, I have a decent salary now but at your age I was a postgraduate student on a stipend and missed out on doing many things with friends that I just couldn't afford.

And I also used meetup to establish a new friendship group when I moved to a new city in my 30s. Met a lot of people in similar situation to myself.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that nothing you have described about yourself sounds unusual/bad at all. It's a cliche but life isn't a race.

Please don't feel bad about yourself. I failed my driving test four times in my twenties and thirties due to nerves. I thought I would never go back to it, as finances and bad health kept getting in the way. I eventually tried again three years ago and passed age 65, and I was so proud. Be kind to yourself, you're doing just fine!

@StillWearingJeans wow that's fantastic you went back to it and passed, you definitely should feel very proud!

Get of social media. It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

The day I stopped comparing myself to others was a a day of incredibly intense happiness

Accept yourself. It sounds cliche but do not compare. Everyone is human. No one is perfect and everyone has problems of some sort.

It sounds like a flaky response but - life is short!!!! Enjoy it while you get chance to.

Do things for others - volunteer at a charity etc.

This is from someone who struggled with self hate for years and years!!!

*incredible

You sound like you're doing great to me!

I own my own home (had help to start, have a big mortgage so still have to keep up with repayments), passed my driving test 4th time & earn less than £30k, been with my partner almost 20 years but not married... I certainly can't speak another language nor have a degree - amazing achievements to have!

Try not to compare yourself to others, we all achieve different things and at different times in our lives, what's right for one person may not be right for another. Some people word hard for it, some are lucky enough to have help, some do/have both - neither way is wrong nor does it matter.

Be proud of what YOU have achieved in life and focus on what YOU would like to do/be in life and how you want to get there, not what you think is expected of you.

I'm guilty of this, always thinking others have nice holidays (I hadn't been abroad for 10 yrs until this year!), nice homes (mine needs some tlc), better jobs etc etc but you know what, I have a home, I have a lovely family and I enjoy my job so I'm proud of those things already. We just have to keep looking forward & working hard to achieve what we want and we'll get there no matter how long it takes.

Definitely speak to your GP and if you have someone you can 100% trust then talk to them. There are also plenty of organisations who will listen.