I'm an embarrassment and ashamed of who I am

[Echobeachfarawayintime]

I'm 31 and don't drive because I've failed a grand total of 9 driving tests.
I'd like to try automatic but can't afford it atm, plus I'm just scared of failing yet again. I failed due to nerves mainly and so making silly mistakes, I have propranolol now on prescription which helps with these symptoms but as I said I can't afford the lessons atm.
Nowhere near to owning a house, most people do by my age (except for the people I know in London) but it's another thing that makes me ashamed.
I have a Degree and Postgraduate qualification, they're one of the few things I'm proud of.
I earn 23.5k currently, I do enjoy my work but I always compare myself with people my age who are all on at least 30k ish and have been promoted. I'm applying for 30k jobs so hopefully I'll be successful.
Again many people by my age are married or at least engaged. I've got a partner who I've been with for 2.5 years, but he's 27 so I know it won't be Happening anytime soon, if ever.
I've got 1.8k credit card debt which I know is my own fault. I feel pressure to pay this off as well as save for a deposit, driving, pension and everything else.
I don't have many friends anymore or hear from many people. I have moved around jobs a lot which doesn't help. I will do, I've just started a Meetup, it will just take time.
I'm too into my looks, I am happy with how I look but feel a constant pressure to maintain myself. I'm very sensitive and take things to heart sometimes, but I'm really trying to build a thicker skin.
I just feel this huge sense of shame and like I'm a joke. I don't know where to start to improve things.

Shame is something sensitive people internalise a lot. You need to actively face your shame. Tell people in real life you’ve failed your test. I failed four times and was also ashamed - felt as though there was something wrong with me. But of course there isn’t. Keep sitting your test until you pass.
and activately love yourself more - affirmations etc. You are still starting out on life and you can’t do everything. Make a list of three things you would like over the next 12 months and focus on those. I think you sounds like you are doing really well in life and I bet all those who you compare yourself to do too.
Run your own race, life is not a competition against but to live your life for you on your terms.
and yes things go wrong but that’s okay. Good luck!

Good luck with the test.

OP, of at first you don't succeed, keep trying. You'll get there eventually.

OP you’ve had lots of good advice and support from PPs and I just want to say they are right - setting challenges for yourself is laudable but basing them on the alleged “should have” done / achieved xyz by “arbitrary stage of life” is often a ride to disappointment…..

FWIW I’m 53 and by MN standards I’m a complete mess - mostly due to circumstances beyond my control and partly because I am a creature of extremes.

I’m currently single for the first time in 25 years due to bereavement - and a lifetime of trying to achieve satisfaction through relationships which, bar the last one, were unhealthy and the product of an unstable childhood. I am trying to figure out who the hell I am now and honestly, terrified as I am, I’m trying to embrace it as an opportunity - obviously unwanted - as falling into old patterns is repugnant to me.

Home ownership ? Never had a cat in hells chance and probably never will - I’ve embraced the positives of renting and don’t think about it any more.

Work? I have my own business which in the current economic climate is like sliding down a razor blade every day but it’s mine and it’s my DPs legacy so I’m grimly determined to do the best I can with it to stick two fingers up to naysayers…..

Driving? Tried 3 times - never got as far as a test so from my perspective you’re streets ahead of me in determination and resilience. When eyebrows are raised on the subject, I nonchalantly shrug and say “Well, they do say we should keep death if the roads…..” which seems appropriate given I’m still a lifestyle Goth ( which I allegedly should have grown out of but bite me lol)

So I’ve committed the cardinal sin of “me me me” in this post, but like others here I just wanted to say you are already amazing and I know it’s hard not to look at the artificially curated world we see through our screens all the time and feel lacking - but so much of it is an illusion created simply to keep our economy rolling…..

If I may, I’ll just leave you with a Bill Hicks thought…… “life is just a ride….” - for sure it’s often a white knuckle experience but when you pause between thrills and spills, marvel that you’re still here, unique, beautiful, with all your accomplishments and with new rides to try when the opportunity arises…..

I wish you well….. xxx

Comparison is the thief of joy!

You have so much already - 2 degrees, a DP, and a job that you enjoy - so that is proof you work hard, are persistent, loveable, good company ... the rest will come in time. Live more in the now, fully enjoy and be thankful for what you already have acheived, and plan for the future. Don't wish your life away trying to keep up with what you see on social media. A lot of it is people bragging and putting on their best face whereas their reality is sometimes quite different!

Can I just ask - are you kind, loving, generous, a good friend, a hard worker? Because these are 'who you are' and if you are these things then how could you be ashamed of who you are?

Driving a car, owning a house or having savings are not who you are. They are things you do.

And if you are a good, kind, generous person to others then in my opinion you are doing really well in life!

You need to change your mindset. You have a job! You have a partner! You have the ability to drive! And guess what if you put your mind to it you can save and get lessons or save for a house!

Try treating yourself better, be kinder to yourself!

It sounds like you are doing fine. I'm older than you and don't drive (failed once and planning more lessons at some point). I don't own a house cos I dont earn enough and there is no inheritance or family money which is how a lot of people do it. I earn under 30K and have no career, just a job. I don't have a big fun group of friends.

But I'm certainly no loser and neither are you.

From a different perspective: I don't have a car but I drive a scooter. I don't own a house but I've never really chosen where I want to settle anyway. I don't have a career but neither have I tied myself to climbing a ladder I dont want to climb. Sure I don't earn much but I'm comfortable enough and my job (remote) gives me the freedom to be myself and travel. I don't have a big banging social circle but I have a small amount of good friends.

It's all swings and roundabouts really. Honestly you are doing great. Depression will make you feel shit no matter how good things are so if you can address that, it will likely help.

A lot of people seem to have a crisis like this in their early 30s. I think it's because you become more aware of how quickly time passes and that you're not a young person anymore.
But you're not old either, and you have plenty of time to make whatever changes you want in your life. Some things will be beyond your control e.g. the cost of living means it's really hard to save money at the moment.
I also think you need to reframe how you think about your life- you seem very driven by how things appear to the other people. Focus on what's good about your life. You may not be a high earner but do you enjoy your job? You may not own your own home but do you like where you live?

Also be careful what you read on here as well because while the comments here are supportive, just read some of the threads on adult kids still living at home and it's enough to send anyone already worried into a spiral.
I know you don't live at home but my point is MN can be very critical at times and remember the majority of women on here are high earners, middle class and not really representing the majority.

I've got to be honest, you sound like you've achieved a lot in life. You have a degree and a postgrad which immediately puts you in a minority of intelligent and accomplished people. You have a job that you enjoy and you're good enough at it that you're able to apply for jobs which at significantly more. You're in a loving relationship, you have very little debt, and you take pride in your appearance.

Very many 31 year olds haven't accomplished all of these things and you should be proud.

Did you know that the average age of a first time buyer in the UK who doesn't have parental help, is 38.

I didn't learn to drive til I was in my 40s. I'm not a very good driver and I try to avoid it.

I do think you need to work on your self-esteem a bit and that should be your first starting point as viewed from an outside perspective you have a lot of great things going for you.

Wow you are amazing, steady relationship, lovely job, taking steps to get a better job. Keep going OP, stop worrying and things will get into place at your own pace. Fingers crossed for you new job

Thanks, I've already been feeling better today thanks to all this.
I think social media and the group of friends I have does play a role. I need more like minded friends really, not ones who think owning a house, being married and having a car is everything in life.

I think you do. Frankly your friends sound unambitious and boring if they think that’s all life’s about. The fact you do things differently probably threatens them because it reminds them their insular lives aren’t the only way, and they feel a mixture of jealousy and offence. It’s very silly. I’m very impressed at your language skills - I’m just starting to learn another language at 33! Wish I’d started sooner.

If that's all your friends care about then they do sound very shallow and small minded. They are also in for a nasty shock as life doesn't always go the way you planned or stay how you want it to. I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone like that.

Frankly your friends sound unambitious and boring if they think that’s all life’s about.

Agree with that completely. I mean, these are good things, no doubt, but they happen or don't because of what you're up to, or not. Eg you get married because you meet someone you want to marry, you buy a house because you have enough money to buy the house you want , you drive because you've got money and and you want to go particular places. You don't do these things to prove you're an adult. If you're over 18 you're an adult anyway, just show your ID when asked.

It sounds to me like you are doing great but have low self esteem and FOMO.

Work on boosting your self esteem & stop comparing yourself to others.

Getting involved with feminism can be a great way to boost yourself & gain confidence. (Not the man centering kind though)

WOW......that was a lot to read and take in.
What I got from that, was that you are not in a very good relationship.
Your partner is boring and expects you to slave over him.
You say you are happy with your looks and take care of yourself.
But, you have debts that without a good income financially you will always get debt collectors at your door.
Why isn't your partner helping?......let me guess, he is on benefits and is either a alcoholic or a drug abuser?.....I have been in the same situation.
Stand your ground and get rid of bad filth from your life. Thow him out!