I'm an embarrassment and ashamed of who I am

[Echobeachfarawayintime]

I'm 31 and don't drive because I've failed a grand total of 9 driving tests.
I'd like to try automatic but can't afford it atm, plus I'm just scared of failing yet again. I failed due to nerves mainly and so making silly mistakes, I have propranolol now on prescription which helps with these symptoms but as I said I can't afford the lessons atm.
Nowhere near to owning a house, most people do by my age (except for the people I know in London) but it's another thing that makes me ashamed.
I have a Degree and Postgraduate qualification, they're one of the few things I'm proud of.
I earn 23.5k currently, I do enjoy my work but I always compare myself with people my age who are all on at least 30k ish and have been promoted. I'm applying for 30k jobs so hopefully I'll be successful.
Again many people by my age are married or at least engaged. I've got a partner who I've been with for 2.5 years, but he's 27 so I know it won't be Happening anytime soon, if ever.
I've got 1.8k credit card debt which I know is my own fault. I feel pressure to pay this off as well as save for a deposit, driving, pension and everything else.
I don't have many friends anymore or hear from many people. I have moved around jobs a lot which doesn't help. I will do, I've just started a Meetup, it will just take time.
I'm too into my looks, I am happy with how I look but feel a constant pressure to maintain myself. I'm very sensitive and take things to heart sometimes, but I'm really trying to build a thicker skin.
I just feel this huge sense of shame and like I'm a joke. I don't know where to start to improve things.

I’m sorry to hear this. I think you sound like you’ve achieved a lot…you have a job, a partner, are living independently in your own place. That’s more than some people your age and although you won’t feel it, you are actually still young! I basically doubled my earnings in my mid 30s after a lot of set backs, and a lot of other positive changes happened in my life. I’m not saying that’ll happen to you, just that you don’t really know what’s around the corner….try to enjoy what you have and live in the moment. If friends make remarks about you not driving they don’t sound like great people….it’s a bit immature!

Is it the same few people who are laughing at you not having passed your test and at your job? If so, cut them out of your life, seriously. They are not friends.

At 30 most of my friends were not married. Maybe half owned their own homes. But I barely thought about this.

Take it easy wee love! I'm 37 and just starting lessons! Met my DP at 34 and quickly got pregnant, had my first at 35 and my second 3 months ago. Still don't own my own house or have a full time job. Never been happier! Give yourself a break X

Don’t worry about the driving, loads of people can’t drive. It sounds like you just need nicer friends to be honest and to distance yourself from the mean girls who laugh at you.

fWIw I passed my driving test at 37, I’m 50 now and still don’t love driving. I switched to an automatic car a few years ago and it’s loads easier, I’d never go back to a manual. Wasn’t a huge adjustment either to switch, you probably would only need a couple of lessons in an automatic before trying the test again.If you want to, of course!

You sound very accomplished and thoughtful. I'd be very proud if you were my daughter. Your debt is not excessive and some people do take ages to pass their test. You should realise that the ability to drive is not an indicator of personal or professional success.

It's always good to have goals, but you're doing just fine.

I can't tell you how many times I failed my driving test, I genuinely lost count. I passed in the end but it took me 3 years, thousands of pounds and a lot of perseverance to get there. Now I enjoy driving which I could never have imagined.
Anyway.
As I was telling my son earlier tonight, who at age 10 told me he never feels good enough, it's really really normal to feel that way. He said he just wants to be the best at something. Well there's only a few people in the world who can be 'the best' and its usually a fleeting moment even for them. People who appear confident and successful are often full of self doubt. You sound like you're being way too hard on yourself, you've achieved things very few people do but you focus on the things you feel disappointed about. I'm a SAHM and I feel like I have to justify it all the time, and I also feel a bit disappointed that I didn't somehow become an award winning journalist (even though I made zero effort to make that happen). I sometimes think at my funeral will they just say I was a mum because there won't be anything else to say. But I recognise that these are normal feelings and you'd have to be a sociopath to never have any negative thoughts about yourself. What helps me is to look for little things to enjoy each day - eat nice food, walk my dog, watch something good on TV, spend time with family. Then have some bigger plans to look forward to so there is always something on the horizon. I could be dead tomorrow what a waste if I spent my last day being mean to myself!
One last thought I do think about other people and I suspect you do too, which is why you assume others are thinking about and judging you. Not everyone is like us and most genuinely don't analyse other people to death or obsess over every social interaction!

OP I'm 64 and have never learned to drive. Have always lived near a city centre or a short bus ride into town and for longer journeys infinitely prefer train then taxi.

Do I care if anyone judges me for it?

Behold this empty field. It is where I grow my fucks.

Your carbon footprint is lower by not driving. Polish your halo. There's too many cars on the road as it is. Sure give it another go if it is something you really want to do. If it's because you think you should but don't want to give it up. Besides maybe driverless cars will be here in ten or so years.

Your post screams neurodiversity to me! I’ve been diagnosed with Autism and more recently ADHD. I was haunted by a sense of failure, compulsive behaviour, severe anxiety at times that paralysed me. Diagnosed with depression but really it was Autistic burnout. I learned to drive but it took a lot of lessons with a very patient teacher. I’ve started on ADHD meds now and it’s like going from trying to get around with a torch with fading batteries to someone turning all the lights on! Suddenly I realise all of my “failures” and letting myself down were in fact due to my neurodiversity. I got diagnosed via GP referral to a clinic. They suggest you complete a form to take to your GP and also when they do the assessment, I think it would be worth you having a look at it (scroll down): www.adhd-360.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/Document-94-Letter-to-GP-Patient-Right-to-Choose-V5-Feb-223.docx

Sorry you are feeling rubbish. If it makes you feel any better I didn't pass my driving test until I was 39. I switched to an automatic and suddenly I was a decent driver! When you have some cash, give it a go. I love driving now. Love being in my car. I never thought that would be me.

You are doing fine. In a few years time we’ll either all be in self drive cars or alternatively Shanks’ pony as there will be no affordable fuel. Have a look at shared ownership or Housing Association and see if you can get support / help there. See if your GP / Health trust or board do online self help courses. Ours does they have a course for stress, depression, OCD, anxiety etc. Be kind to yourself, I bet you are lovely.

A,Lao non driver due to registered blind, how dare people laugh about your driving tests? That lot need dumping for a start. Meant gp earlier.

OP I mean this in a lovely way. When I read your first post my first thought was the social pressure that you put on yourself and a keeping up with the Jones mentality.

Your life is unique to you 💐 live it your way and how you want.

The pressure you have put on yourself is immense and must be really tiring 💖

31 is still young.

Thanks everyone, this has already made me feel so much better, so thank you. I'll keep reading the replies.

Sorry you are having a hard time. Try turning your negatives into positives just give it a try it’s changed me so much having a different outlook on life.

@Echobeachfarawayintime do you use your bike?

what other strong opinions does your DP hold? I'm not sure he's doing you any good.

I passed my driving licence, first time, overseas at 15. I've been driving a few (ahem) years now and I'd HATE to have to resit my licence. Does DP drive? Or a family member/friend? What you need is practice, not expensive lessons!

your friends are probably just joking with you, pay no heed. Tell. Them that living in the city centre, walking & public transport are FAR better than a car.

as for all the other crap, take some time out to think about what you WANT, & work towards that.

you like your job, be very selective what jobs you apply for. A job you like is worth a lot! A job paying a bit more might not be worth the change.

if you want marriage/kids etc, really think about your relationship- it's all to easy to waste years in a relationship tgats 'ok' but not the 'forever' one, it hurts to separate, but it won't hurt less in a few more years, you'll just be older!

you sound like a nice person, just think more about what you want & kess about what's 'expected'. Life's too bloidy short!!

Oh sweetheart, you sound just like me 20 years ago. I took 7 attempts to pass my test at 27, I felt like the biggest idiot in the world. The thing is, Ive driven for the past 20 years, but have never been comfortable. Always been an extremely anxious driver - especially when it came to parking. I'd commonly get super stressed, lost, and quite honestly always felt a danger on the road. I have had decades of anxiety and feeling 'different'. Earlier this year I had some testing done, and I was diagnosed with ASD, ADHD, and dyspraxia. I now have a blue card. It was like this huge relief that I wasn't just odd or stupid, I actually had been pushing myself so hard when I needn't have done! I have decided to give up driving now - it was like the permission I needed, and now I dont have the stress anymore its a massive relief.

You sound to me like you are way too hard on yourself - and you need better friends! Take it from an old gal, you should surround yourself with people who lift you up, make you feel wonderful just as you are, not people who make you feel ashamed and drag you down. You sound fabulous to me!

Don't let your partner's anxiety get to you. He needs to manage that himself and not try to change you orbthe way you do things as a way to make himself feel more in control of his life.

I would think twice about selling your electric bike. It's not going to generate enough money to pay off the debt. You'll still have the debt but no bike to get around on if you sell it.

Ignore the pressure to buy. Mortgage lenders are not going to be lending to first time buyers for a good while, until the pound stabilizes. You're not the only person renting, and by the sound of it you have a nice flat, so sit tight and tune out the BUY message.

Lots of people fail the driving test. My mummpassed when she was in her 60s and is still driving at 88.

Remember this too:
Comparison is the thief of joy.

I highly recommend the five minute journal for developing a sense of appreciation for who you are and what you have.

When you can afford it definitely try automatic. I was exactly the same as you in terms of nervousness on tests but passed 9th time, first test in an auto, and haven’t looked back for over 15yrs. You’ve invested so much time and money - don’t give up now!

You've got a job. It pays welllll over minium wage. You've got a partner.
You've got the tiniest debt out of anyone I know except my grandma.
You've got a degree AND postgrad.

I'm 32 and don't know anyone similar age who owns a house.

And at £23500 your income is higher than 60% of the country.

Be KINDER to yourself, you are doing REALLY WELL! you just must have some irritatingly, unusually 'perfect life' friends!

You should be proud of speaking other languages, having lived overseas, your degree & postgrad.

Im an accountant. I worked for one of the big companies, but I didn't enjoy it. I left & went temping I loved it, loved the variety, loved meeting new people, loved the freedom! Knowing I just had to work the period of the contract then could have a break if I wanted (though I didn't as I was saving to travel! Just knowing I could was great!!) I got lots of negativity from family/friends giving up a 'prestigious' job to 'temp' but 💁🏻‍♀️My life!!

Now I do something entirely different, far less 'respected' than being an accountant, and I lived it for years. I've worked all over Europe, I've travelled, I've had fun. Now I'm getting back into accounting because it's easier to do (physically) and something I can keep up for more years, but I'll never get back to the top of the game where I was originally headed. But that's ok, I've lived my life well, if not financially brilliantly!!

you do you!!

Thank you so much. Yes I have a lot of 'perfect life' friends..
I'll make sure I follow this advice, writing down things I'm proud of and what I'm grateful for and doing what I can to alleviate the pressure I've been feeling.

"Comparison is the thief of joy".

You are 31, you can pass your driving test, you'll get there. You've plenty of time to climb the ladder in your career and earn more. £1800 can be paid back over time. You have plenty of time to settle down etc, same for buying a house, most people i know were over 30, closer to 40 those in the south east before they got onto the property ladder. You make new friends at each stage of life, there's no reason you can't find your people. Don't compare to other people, life isn't a race or a bunch of tick boxes!! You are 31, there's so much ahead of you, so many things to look forward to, you aren't meant to have done it all by now!!

Aw sausage. There's a very harsh voice going on in your head. Would you speak to a loved one or a friend in that way? You so are good enough. You are more than good enough.

Look on the bright side, we are heading into a currency crisis, house prices are looking more likely to crash than they have since 2008, and a lot of smug people are going to see their monthly payment for the car and bling house go through the roof, LOL, there are going to be a LOT less smug people going about calling people losers because they don`t sit in traffic for four hours a day in a bling car.

Read The Law and the Promise by Neville Goddard , or similar, and be grateful for the little joys in life (like the above) LOL