I'm an embarrassment and ashamed of who I am

[Echobeachfarawayintime]

I'm 31 and don't drive because I've failed a grand total of 9 driving tests.
I'd like to try automatic but can't afford it atm, plus I'm just scared of failing yet again. I failed due to nerves mainly and so making silly mistakes, I have propranolol now on prescription which helps with these symptoms but as I said I can't afford the lessons atm.
Nowhere near to owning a house, most people do by my age (except for the people I know in London) but it's another thing that makes me ashamed.
I have a Degree and Postgraduate qualification, they're one of the few things I'm proud of.
I earn 23.5k currently, I do enjoy my work but I always compare myself with people my age who are all on at least 30k ish and have been promoted. I'm applying for 30k jobs so hopefully I'll be successful.
Again many people by my age are married or at least engaged. I've got a partner who I've been with for 2.5 years, but he's 27 so I know it won't be Happening anytime soon, if ever.
I've got 1.8k credit card debt which I know is my own fault. I feel pressure to pay this off as well as save for a deposit, driving, pension and everything else.
I don't have many friends anymore or hear from many people. I have moved around jobs a lot which doesn't help. I will do, I've just started a Meetup, it will just take time.
I'm too into my looks, I am happy with how I look but feel a constant pressure to maintain myself. I'm very sensitive and take things to heart sometimes, but I'm really trying to build a thicker skin.
I just feel this huge sense of shame and like I'm a joke. I don't know where to start to improve things.

I've been diagnosed autistic and also waiting on adhd diagnosis, what meds did they prescribe you?

You sound like a really lovely and thoughtful person. I'm just a little bit older than you and I don't/can't drive either. I live in London and nobody I know drives, even if they have a licence! I might look into more lessons one day (I never even attempted a test because I really couldn't get my head around it) but it's not a priority for me at all. It's not that big a deal.

You sound like you are surrounded by people who have quite a narrow, tick-box mentality about life. I know it sounds a bit flippant to say 'just move and make new friends', but perhaps you'd be happier and have a better chance at finding your people in a big city setting. Cities are also a lot less pressured in terms of settling down - loads of people in London are still casual dating and loving it at 30/31. Have you considered where you want to live long term?

Best of luck with everything, and do see the GP in case your brain needs a bit of support to get things back in perspective :)

I passed on my 15th time OP!🙈
Also suffer with anxiety and would go to pieces on my tests and hated the lessons, I'd dread them. When I found an instructor who was relaxed and made me feel relaxed i started to enjoy my lessons and I passed first time 😉 - might be worth changing instructors? Don't give up!

Hi op. I have a couple of amazing friends who can’t drive. Another couple who won’t drive on the motorway. They’re intelligent and accomplished just not with driving. And that’s ok.

Dont compare yourself to others. Your worth isn’t linked to how much you earn.

you sound like you have a great life so enjoy it. Scratch the surface and most people have issues. Stay in your lane. You’re doing really well.

Also don't tell anyone you are going for a test, just puts more pressure on you. You will be a fab driver deep down it's just the anxiety and pressure you are under. Honestly I'm a really good driver now, I have to drive into central London and on motorways all the time for my job and I never get nervous or stressed with it- it's just second nature now and it will be for you too

37 here, Nope dont drive, it terrifies me. Will not learn, and thats ok! You cant fit into a mold thats not made for you. Not everyone will own a house or have huge savings. As long as your doing ok, have food, clothing and shelter... Its all good. You gatta do what YOU want and need! Big hugs!

Do your friends not care about the environment in their stupid comments about public transport? I am much much older than you but I do not have what society says I should and yes it is hard sometimes as this was not how I necessarily planned it but I am trying not to buy into stereotypes.I am not sure that having all the right things would necessarily make me happy but more money would have helped I am not going to lie.However I still think that it is society that is wrong not me and i try to value myself whatever.It is a battle. But you do not have to have millions saved, you do not have to get married or consume endlessly or have kids if you do not want.Work out what you really want as an individual and what you are craving only because society says you should.In some countries what you have would be beyond many many people's dreams.If people think the world of buying houses, holidays, cars etc is going to go on forever they are very mistaken as diseases, wars, cost of living, climate change pile up .You may need new friends but you are not worthless or that nasty name a 'loser'.

a society that values its public transport is a good one.that has always been my view.

I have a few things to say here, but you should keep in mind that I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my own life, so it may well be the blind leading the blind.

Firstly, the driving thing - seriously, it doesn't matter at all. If you feel that you really need to be able to drive for practical reasons then, of course, keep plugging away at it until you get your licence, but the fact that you can't drive really does not matter and says nothing about you as a person. It's only on Mumsnet that I've ever heard people to get so worked up over it.

Secondly, you might need some better friends. People making digs at you is unkind. Do you feel better about yourself after spending time with friends? Or do you feel worse? I don't know your friends so I can't say much more than this, but it's certainly something to think in.

Thirdly, stop comparing yourself to other people. There are always going to be people who are better off in some areas of life. That's just how it is. Focus more on yourself and what is important to you. If buying a house really is what you want, rather than just what you think you should do because others have done it, then focus on that. Clear down the debt first and then start saving.

If it matters, I am the same age as you and I do not own a house. Everytime I have a bit of money saved up, something happens and it all disappears. Often I slide back into debt, and then have to clear that down and start all over again. It doesn't make me a failure and it doesn't make you a failure!

Be nice to yourself. You deserve it 🙂

Can I ask what books you read. I'd like to read up on this too. Thx

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It's clearly not an easy problem to solve. But perhaps you're focussing on what you don't have, rather than what you do? You have a partner, a home, a job - these are all good things and really, it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing or how happy they portray themselves to be.

I'm 41, earn 18k a year, have no savings, I do drive but it took me 11 tests to pass (!) and I have a partner I love very much but no intention of getting married as I don't see the need. And I am very content with my lot.

Maybe I have low expectations of life, but comparing yourself to others is not going to help.

I’ve been prescribed Elvanse (Lisdexamfetamine). I’m on the lowest dose so far and already feeling it’s impact after a few days! Side effects have been loss of appetite/sugar cravings (weird for me, used to eat and crave sugar all the time. Now I’m eating because I feel genuine hunger), dry mouth (manageable). First few nights I couldn’t get to sleep but that’s started to improve.

OP just realised I commented at the start of the thread but never said I failed 4 times and am pretty sure I only passed because I did my last test in the snow and conditions were horrendous so he had to pass me. I’m a much better driver now, years on but if I lived in a city I’d ditch the car and put ‘petrol money’ into the bank! Tests kill your confidence and the biggest hug to you!

Oh and as for your languages- I bow to you!!!

OP I've failed my driving test 10 times. Now learning automatic and wished I'd done it years ago. I've also started taking a driving test anxiety course on an app called test buddy by dianne hall. I thought it was a load of tosh but honestly the negative feelings of being useless have really faded. I feel like a good competent driver. Test is tomorrow so we'll see. I too, have been the butt of jokes for years but the course has helped me get rid of the shame and embarrassment at failing so many times. I took my DH for a drive last week (with L plates and insurance) and he was so surprised at how good my driving is now.

Saving money and not spending it (obviously when you can) is a source of self-esteem. It took me a long time to learn this. A word document with a table for paying off debts can be very satisfying. Be suspicious of any marketing/advertising.

Comparison is a habit that can ruin achievements - so even when you pay off your debt, you'll feel bad because you're "only" debt-free now, when others have savings etc. Or when you buy a flat, others will have bigger flats or bought earlier so have paid off a lot of their mortgage. When you pass your driving test, you might focus on the number of failures before that. You need to break that habit to feel good about progressing; you need to feel good about progressing to keep progressing. It's difficult and not a one-time lesson, in my experience.

So your well educated, take pride in your appearance and are ambitious. Op you have a load of great things going for you. See the gp and hopefully you can begin to realise them soon.

Thank you so much everyone. I am really grateful for your kindness and support.

Oh god there is nothing wrong with you, you are fine. Maybe you just need more down to earth, less snobby 'friends'.
Im in my 30s no degree, no amazing career (on less than you), single mum after string of failed relationships, council house, can't drive - the possibility of ever being able to is not confirmed right now but I certainly can't take lessons anytime soon and it's not financial reasons either.
And guess what I'm happy! Too some people this will look like absolute shit/no ambition. But the challenges I've had to face in my life just to still be stood here today, getting to be a good mother to my kids I am so grateful for what I have.

i know you don’t feel like it but from where I’m sitting you’re doing great at life. At your age I was single, earning fuck all, living in a flat share, with several failed driving tests to my name. You are better qualified than me and I bet you look beautiful too. Ten years on I’m a boring married mum of 3 and a homeowner with a Big Important Job. I still can’t drive and when people question me I explain that technically I can drive, I’m just not safe enough to be on the road. It’s tough when every other bastard seems perfect but do try to focus on what makes you happy not what other people expect.

You're a bloody hero in my eyes for trying 9 times!! Listen I would have had no hope in hell of passing in a manual, not a bloody chance but I passed first time in an automatic (failed a few manual tests). It's a whole different world. You WILL pass in an auto. Try self hypnosis tapes to bring up your confidence as well.

Everything else sounds fine to me. You have the whole world at your feet and you're doing great, but you can't see it right now as your self esteem sounds like it's on the floor. Whatever you can do to work on your confidence would be great so you can see clearly how much you have going for you.

If you live in a city driving isn't a necessary. I know people from London who don't drive because transport links are good.
Just because you might not be good at some things doesn't mean you won't be amazing at others.

I used to feel quite down about myself and have found getting rid of social media has helped. No more looking at everyone's "perfect" only show the good bits lives. I distanced myself from anyone that caused me stress, not necessarily cut them off but just less

As a non driver I just live in places with great public transport and avoid jobs that involve driving!

Do you know what I find more impressive than passing a driving test first try? Not passing it multiple times, but keeping on trying. I'm really impressed that you keep putting yourself out there regardless. That shows strength of character.