To not understand why DH has like no pride in our home? And is a lazy fucker to boot

[Iusedtobecarmen]

Been with DH a long time and a DIY er he isn't. That's fair enough.

However, what isn't fair is the fact that he insists on trying to do any job himself. This involves him either doing it on the cheap, repairing things rather than replacing, with any old crap he finds lying around, or someone gives(dumps on) him.

These jobs he mostly doesn't finish properly or takes an extortionate amount of time to do. Has like an idea and will go all on it, until one day maybe it's raining and he can't do it , or he's too busy and it fizzles out.

I'm sick of it tbh. Our house is mostly a shambles. He doesn't seem bothered. Certain jobs we have no choice to pay tradespeople. Our house is old so it's never straightforward.
He gets very irritated for example, if I say "oh the bedroom needs plastering".
Either will say its fine, or offer to do some bodge up job himself. I will ignore him in these instances and get quotes and pay someone. He's often pretty disinterested or even arsed and doesn't get involved (in an arsey way).

I honestly think he would happily live in the house with no decorating or new things bought for the rest of his life.

We have had conversations about this millions if times and I'm at a loss of what to do.
Even a simple I thing like I will buy a new lamp is never simple, comes with 'nothing wrong with one we got, or my mum/random bloke at work has a spare/giving one away.

Photos posted on MN prove nothing, though.

I'd never share photos of my home on a public forum regardless of whether it was a dump or a show home. People can take any old photo on here and pretend it's theirs - it doesn't mean anything in reality.

And I'm actually very grateful when DH saves us money by bringing home "cast-offs". We've probably saved thousands over the years. Off the top of my head, we've had (for free/very cheap) a fridge freezer, an electric shower, two sets of garden furniture, a dining table and chairs, a sofa/sofa bed, a bookshelf, a wardrobe/dresser, at least one TV, a full-length mirror, a vacuum cleaner and a washer/dryer.

Did it all go with the house? No. But it worked and freed up money for us to spend on other things. Over the years some of that stuff has been replaced (once it broke), or has been done up if it just didn't match, but we still have some of those "tatty cast offs" and they've served us really well.

I'm 100% happy with cast offs or second hand furniture. I've said this lots of times.
Some stuff needs to be paid for though.
Old fashioned anaglypta wallpaper or artex painted over +++++
At some point needs.coming off and plastered. i can't plaster.
Plasterers cost money. He won't contribute unless it's something he's interested in(ie new TV).
So what do I do? Train to be a plasterer?
Live in a dump? Keep painting over old wallpaper forever?
Spend all of my money on OUR house?

I feel like this is just going round in circles a bit.

I suppose my point is that old-fashioned wallpaper and Artex ceilings aren't, in themselves a problem. You might not like how they look but they're not a health hazard or causing some kind of safety issue - they just don't (in your view) look very appealing. Which is fine and valid.

But on the other hand, they clearly don't bother your husband so he doesn't feel like he should spend money getting them replaced - and that's just as valid an opinion as yours is.

Ultimately, you're the one who wants to make changes here. But I think, going by all your responses, you need to decide whether you want to change how the DIY is organised or your relationship in general, as you just sound pissed off and unhappy.

Yes you're right. Im pissed off and unhappy that I just want a bit more than I've got. I'd hoped some other mumsnetters might have understood or experienced the same(think only about 2 did).
Or at least been sympathetic.

I suppose I see most people i know(generalisation I know) buy a house, redecorate, buy things, do some things themselves . This is just hard work.
But OK, i get I must be wrong.

But, again, you haven’t done anything about it either, you won’t even build the IKEA furniture. Why, if it matters so much are you no better than your DH when it comes to actually getting something done?

Perhaps I'd hoped after 20 odd years we be on same page. Or at least some compromise.
Not having to rather pay myself for our house to be nice, comfortable and cosy

Accept some cast offs
Expect him to at least finish jobs , not leave half done .

I cant afford to do it all alone

the point folks are making op is you’re not doing any of it. Your statement would stand if you’d done a shit load and were sick of it. But you’ve done nothing other than buy bits and bobs, in your own words. He on the other hand is out there painting the shed and he brings home stuff he thinks is useful

out of the two of you the image you’re projecting is he does the most. It’s Not what you want fair enough but it’s way more than you do.

no one is saying you should do it all, the issue is you’re doing nothing.

Again, missing the point. Yeah I will build it. And leave the cooking , cleaning washing to him but he won't do that either. I'm at least fairly good at those things and he's more savvy with building flat packs.
It doesn't Matter anyway. I'm clearly wrong.

Of course I've done some of it! In 20 yrs I'd have had to.
I paid for bathroom
Hall
3 bedrooms to be decorated. New doors etc

You've lived together in this house for twenty years.

If you wanted to make changes then you as a couple need to save up together and do it.

The same as going on holiday.
A new car
Computer etc

And big projects require saving up for them.

If one person in a couple isn't bothered at all about it then they should contribute much less, if at all.

But fundamental point is after 20 years why are you expecting your husband to change and have different priorities.

If you want a shiny new house then maybe you should move house to a new build which doesn't need any work.

And then sell your house to someone who wants to do work

Ah ok then that’s a drip feed. That’s a lot right if you’ve done th4 bedrooms hallway, new bathroom, new floors etc and it’s really shitty if he won’t contribute.

Yep - marriage and home ownership is hard work. You're never going to agree on everything no matter how compatible you are.

And of course you're allowed to want more but I do think there comes a point where you need to be realistic. You know from experience that your DH isn't great with DIY and that he doesn't care about how the house looks - you being pissed off and unhappy isn't going to change who he is.

If a nice "done up" house with matching furniture and freshly plastered and painted walls is really that important to you then yes, to an extent I do think you need to be prepared to "put your money where your mouth is" so to speak.

It's not about being wrong, but maybe about changing your perspective a little. You can't fundamentally change who your DH is - so focus on what you can change. You could learn how to do the basics on your own. You could trade services with a handy friend - they could come and help you, and you could do something for them instead of payment - tip runs, or cooking or walking the dog etc.

Ultimately if a nicely done-up house is that important to you, you need to be the one to make it happen, even if that means saving up and forfeiting other nice things for a while. We've all been there.

DH and I have very different priorities and I'm happy to spend more of "my" money doing up the house as it makes me happy. It doesn't make him happy so as long as the place is safe and not falling apart, he doesn't care and I can't force him to care either.

You aren’t wrong. I think it’s the way it’s written. If you had said he won’t do anything and I’ve already had to personally pay for the bathroom, bedrooms, new doors etc it would have got very different answers.

but you wrote it as he’s out there doing diy, brings stuff home, and I don’t do anything, I won’t even build flat pack the house Is a shit Hole etc.

I feel your pain OP. My husband was like this, he even fell through the ceiling once from the loft and just taped a bin bag over the enormous hole and left it like that. It was only when I told him I would leave him about 6 months later if he didn’t let me sort out the repair of it that he finally agreed. It would have stayed like that forever I believe if I hadn’t pushed him into a corner. I was mortified as it was in our hallway and so obvious whenever anyone came to the front door. In fairness I did do all the decorating in the house myself but my time was fairly limited as had 4 children so always seemed to have a toddler under my feet.

I ended up divorcing him, not for that reason but it was an added bonus 😉 and now I have a beautiful home. If something needs doing I either do it myself or I save up and get a professional in to do it. I’ve taught myself how to do flat pack and I don’t know why I was so scared of ir for so long (IKEA stuff really is the easiest to do).

Ex husband, however, now lives in a static caravan that looks like it’s been burgled…

I'm not sure it's a drip feed.
I don't think ive said I've never done anything. Just old house that needs everything done from scratch. And yes bathroom been done (once in 20 yrs)but prob 10 years ago and really needs work again!
I guess yeah , I have to accept I have to cough up as not important to him.
The bit I hate most though, is him trying to repair everything to a shit standard. I'd rather just accept I have to pay than accept that.

Example, hall bannister was broken . Old fashioned and tatty to begin with. Handrail wobbly. Wanted to patch up with old wood he found at work.

I'm not a tramp. I can have some bloody acceptable standards. I had to pay for hall to be done properly. I'm not a carpenter so I couldn't do that.

@Iusedtobecarmen - I feel for you, I really do. I think your mistake was to post in AIBU instead of Relationships. The problem isn't you being unreasonable, but the two of you being incompatible.

FWIW, my husband is similarly frugal and inclined to carry frugality to extremes, but he has the sense to be reasonable. Plus, and this is very important, we've always shared finances, and he is always willing to listen and discuss my plans. Plus, if push comes to shove, I just go ahead and get things done. And he virtually always ends up agreeing that I was right.

Your husband, on the other hand, simply doesn't seem to care about your needs and feelings.

Yeah he does do DIY. Not on his own accord . Only if I say for example bannister broken think time for a new one as 20 yrs old. Then he will say "oh I can fix that".

Cue me thinking "oh fuck".

Sometimes, randomly like today ,he will decide to paint the shed. Probably as quite a nice day. But seemingly not noticing other things around him falling apart.

YY
Agree. Posted here as thought more traffic than relationships, but I guess with that, comes less sympathy!!!😁

Actually I don't think this is about DIY or the house.

This is about you not being a team or having a common life plan.

Do you ever sit down and go what are the family priorities this year and next? Shall we save for holiday, home improvements, car, children's activities etc.

Cost of living is going up we need to put more in the household account, and actually that needs to cover boiler repairs etc

We do a little bit. He would agree on things like boiler(to a degree) and bills and some stuff. Everything else he would not be remotely interested in. Woukdnt care if no holidays, no nights out, no presents(except dc),no redecorating(obviously).
Would just save for a rainy day I guess.
No plan to buy anything unless absolutely no other option.

I suppose I quickly noticed all of this when we first lived together but we were younger than (20s) and wasn't such a deal breaker. Bit more light-hearted. He's got worse though not better.

Oh here we go, LTB coming up....

If I left the decor to the fella in this house there would be straw on the floor and black Ash furniture from the 1985 Argos Catalogue.

I do understand what you’re saying , as said my husband was or is similar, but he does pay half. I just say right I’m having the hall decorated and get th4 dude in and then say it’s x so this is how much you pay and he does. We do have a joint account but this sort of stuff comes from our disposable income.

I do spend a lot more on the house than he does though, I buy a lot of antiques, quirky stuff, artwork etc but I’m happy to do so and it’s my choice.

we have totally renovated this place but I think had it been left to him it would still be as it was. Just stuff repaired.

as said he loves it now, but it’s been like pulling teeth at times. He simply could not comprehend why I’d want to do any of it.now it’s done, or as it was about 2/3rds done he started to get it and was all oh that’s lovely and became more enthusiastic.

i think a lot of men just can’t see it, just book it and tell him this is the cost and he’s paying half. If he refuses say you are not putting up with his shite handiwork and it’s been done right snd hes fucking paying.

Well, yes, it does seem so. You are on here slagging your husband off despite being at the very least as bad as he is when it comes to getting the house done.

If I am reading right then in twenty years you haven’t so much as painted a wall or re-papered a room.